MY father had such a skirmishing, cutting kind of a slashing way with
him in his disputations, thrusting and ripping, and giving every one a
re were twenty people in company—in less than half an hour he was sure
to have every one of ’em against him.
What did not a little contribute to leave him thus without an ally,
was, that if there was any one post more untenable than the rest, he
would be sure to throw himself into it; and to do him justice, when he
was once there, he would defend it so gallantly, that ’twould have been
a concern, either to a brave man or a good-natured one, to have seen
him driven out.
_Yorick_, for this reason, though he would often attack him—yet could
never bear to do it with all his force.
Doctor _Slop_’s VIRGINITY, in the close of the last chapter, had got
him for once on the right side of the rampart; and he was beginning to
blow up all the convents in _Christendom_ about _Slop_’s ears, when
corporal _Trim_ came into the parlour to inform my uncle _Toby_, that
his thin scarlet breeches, in which the attack was to be made upon Mrs.
_Wadman_, would not do; for that the taylor, in ripping them up, in
order to turn them, had found they had been turn’d before——Then turn
them again, brother, said my father, rapidly, for there will be many a
turning of ’em yet before all’s done in the affair——They are as rotten
as dirt, said the corporal——Then by all means, said my father, bespeak
a new pair, brother——for though I know, continued my father, turning
himself to the company, that widow _Wadman_ has been deeply in love
with my brother _Toby_ for many years, and has used every art and
circumvention of woman to outwit him into the same passion, yet now
that she has caught him——her fever will be pass’d its height——
——She has gained her point.
In this case, continued my father, which _Plato_, I am persuaded, never
thought of——Love, you see, is not so much a SENTIMENT as a SITUATION,
into which a man enters, as my brother _Toby_ would do, into a
_corps_——no matter whether he loves the service or no——being once in
it—he acts as if he did; and takes every step to shew himself a man of
prowesse.
The hypothesis, like the rest of my father’s, was plausible enough, and
my uncle _Toby_ had but a single word to object to it—in which _Trim_
stood ready to second him——but my father had not drawn his conclusion——
For this reason, continued my father (stating the case over
again)—notwithstanding all the world knows, that Mrs. _Wadman affects_
my brother _Toby_—and my brother _Toby_ contrariwise _affects_ Mrs.
_Wadman_, and no obstacle in nature to forbid the music striking up
this very night, yet will I answer for it, that this self-same tune
will not be play’d this twelvemonth.
We have taken our measures badly, quoth my uncle _Toby_, looking up
interrogatively in _Trim_’s face.
I would lay my _Montero_-cap, said _Trim_——Now _Trim_’s _Montero_-cap,
as I once told you, was his constant wager; and having furbish’d it up
that very night, in order to go upon the attack—it made the odds look
more considerable——I would lay, an’ please your honour, my
_Montero_-cap to a shilling—was it proper, continued _Trim_ (making a
bow), to offer a wager before your honours——
——There is nothing improper in it, said my father—’tis a mode of
expression; for in saying thou would’st lay thy _Montero_-cap to a
shilling—all thou meanest is this—that thou believest——
——Now, What do’st thou believe?
That widow _Wadman_, an’ please your worship, cannot hold it out ten
days——
And whence, cried _Slop_, jeeringly, hast thou all this knowledge of
woman, friend?