Yumin nachure is a kurius thing. I dunno whether this thort 'as okkurred
to other peeple, but I sees the truth of it more clearly every day. You
may studdy a man fer weeks and think as 'ow you know 'im inside out, and
then, when you try to make some use of 'is pecooliarities, they ain't
working that day, or else some little hannoying trifle spiles your well
lade skeems. Sich was the sad case of Mister Hoctavius Glenwistle and my
friend Chawley Martin.
Mister Glenwistle is an oldish jentleman now, but in 'is day 'e 'as been
a famus eggsplorer. Jeograffy never being my strong point, I dunno
egsackly where 'e went eggsploring, or why 'e did it. Chawley Martin,
'oo's jenerally 'is caddie, is my hinformant, and some days 'e will 'ave
it that Mister Glenwistle would once 'ave reached the Pole if 'is boots
'adn't guv out, and at other times 'e hinsists that it was Africer that
'e visited. I dunno, meself; per'aps the old jentleman 'as been to both
them regins in 'is time. But any'ow all is agreed that once 'e lived for
nearly three weeks upon an oldish poodle dawg--which is an orfull
thort.
Sich an eggspeerience must leeve its mark upon any man, 'owever strong.
It 'as left its mark upon Mister Hoctavius Glenwistle. Every blade of
'air 'as vannished from 'is skalp, and 'is face is a sort of dark brick
colour wif light eyebrows. 'E still suffers from sunstroke, and Chawley
Martin 'as to carry a large red umbereller round the links to pertect
'is 'ead.
I dunno whether it's the sunstroke, or whether it's 'is ondying remorce
for that pore faithfull poodle, but Mister Glenwistle suffers terrible
from absentmindedness. 'E 'as been known to swing up 'is great, red
umbereller upon the tee and try to drive wif that, and Chawley Martin
allus 'as to watch 'im keerfull to see what 'e'll be up to next. 'E
'ates to be disturbed when in one of 'is mooning fits, and is apt to
swear terrible in some forrin' langwidge, which Chawley thinks is
Eskimo; but still 'e's a jentleman all over, is Mister Hoctavius
Glenwistle. 'Is tips is 'andsome, and it don't give 'im no pleshure to
repport an 'armless lad.
One Sunday lately 'e came down wif a frend for an 'ole day's golf.
Chawley Martin, as yusual, was 'is caddie, and I ondertook the
manidgement of the frend. All went well in the morning, excep' that
Mister Glenwistle fell into a sort of dream upon the seventh green and
'ad to be rarsed by Chawley. It may 'ave been Eskimo that 'e spoke to
the boy when 'e'd touched 'im jently on the arm, but it sounded
wuss--much wuss.
'Owever, we comes back at one to the club-'ouse, red umbereller and all,
like _Robbinson Crewso_, and they goes into lunch. Whilst they're still
laying into the grub like winking, I and Chawley Martin, 'aving eaten
our own frugil meal, sit down near the 'club-'ouse and begin to polish
up their clubs. We fell a-talking about the great science of golf,
getting quite 'eated in a little while, and at last Chawley, to
illerstrate 'is own mistakin theery, gets upon 'is 'ind legs. 'E takes
Mister Glenwistle's best driver from 'is bag and shows me what 'e calls
"a full swing, wif every ounce of weight and rist and mussel crammed
into it."
I was afeard 'ow it would be. The length of the club mastered 'im. 'E
'it the onoffending turf a crewel blow, and there was a narsty crack. 'E
sits down beside me wif a garsp, and we looks at Mister Glenwistle's pet
driver wif the 'ead 'arf off.
"What's to be done, 'Enery?" 'e ses, after a sort of sickly pawse.
Fer my part I'd been thinking 'ard, me brain being better than most.
"There's three courses open to you, Chawley, me lad," I ses quietly.
"You can do a guy at once, and not come back--that's one; or you can
tell Mister G. as you've been fooling wif 'is clubs--that's another," I
ses, and waited fer 'is risponse.
"Let's 'ear the third," he ses gloomily.
"Deceat is aborrent to my nachure," I ses. "But you're made diferent,
Chawley. You could make use of 'is absentmindedness and let 'im think as
'e broke it 'isself. 'Old it out to 'im wif a sort of winning smile,
when 'e comes, and say as 'ow you're afrade it will 'ave to be mended
after all. It's a fair sportin' chawnce," I ses.
"'Enery, you're a fair marvel!" 'e ses, after pondering fer a minute.
"I'll try it on," he ses. And so we left it.
I didn't see the meeting between Mister Glenwistle and 'is well-meaning
caddie, becos my klient sent me to get him a ball, but when I came back
I seed as 'ow Chawley was sniffing slightly, and 'is large outstanding
ears was reddened. 'Is manner was coldish like to me, but when the two
'ad drivin, I asked 'im what 'ad 'appened.
"'E just boxed me ears," Chawley ses, "and told me as 'ow 'e'd repport
me if I lied to 'im agen," 'e ses.
Fer once I was reely taken aback.
"I can't make it out, Chawley," I ses. "Where was 'is yusual
absentmindedness? It just shows as 'ow you can't depend on nuthing in
this world! Did you do as I told you, winning smile and all?" I asks
'im.
"Yuss, I did," 'e ses, snappish like. "But it seems as 'ow 'is
interfeering frend 'appened to look out of the club-'ouse when I was
showing you that swing, and seed it all. Anuther time you can keep your
winning smiles and your fat-'eaded hadvice to yourself, 'Enery Wilks!"
'e ses.
I didn't answer 'im, remembering 'ow 'is 'uge progecting ears was
tingling, but I ses to meself, "So much, 'Enery Wilks, for yumin
gratitood!"
* * * * *
[Illustration:
Mr. Mothdriver, the famous, yet absent-minded, golf-naturalist,
invariably carries a butterfly-net in his golf-bag--for he agrees with
Mr. Horace Hutchinson that some of the best entomological specimens can
be captured in the course of playing the royal and ancient game.]
* * * * *
[Illustration:
_Brer Rabbit._ "I suppose you haven't seen such a thing as a golf-ball
about anywhere, have you?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration:
_First Enthusiast._ "I say, will you play another round with me on
Thursday?"
_Second Enthusiast._ "Well, I'm booked to be married on that day--_but
it can be postponed_!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration:
THE GOLF STREAM.--Flows along the eastern coast of Scotland during the
summer and autumn.
(Vide _Report of British Association--Section V._).]
* * * * *
[Illustration:
REAL ENJOYMENT.--_Non-Golfer_ (_middle-aged, rather stout, who would
like to play, and has been recommended it as healthy and amusing_).
"Well, I cannot see where the excitement comes in in this game!"
_Caddie._ "Eh, mon, there's more swearing used over golf than any other
game! D'ye no ca' that excitement?"]
* * * * *