* * * * *
_Voice_ (outside door)--Here’s a message from your friend in the next
room, sir.
_Gentleman_ (in bed)--Push it under the door.
_Voice_--I can’t, sir; I should spill it.--_Tatler._
* * * * *
_Wife_--I think I’ve seen this play “Asbestos” before.
_Hubby_--Wife, don’t show your ignorance. That is a Latin word meaning
“Welcome.”--_Stevens Tech. Stone Mill._
* * * * *
_Jones_--Well, you’re married now, aren’t you?
_Smith_--Yes. I’ve been married two years. Two long years. Two long
years too long.--_Pennsylvania Punch Bowl._
* * * * *
“Father got so tough we had to kill him.”
“Ah, he died hard.”--_Cornell Widow._
* * * * *
“Am I the kind of a girl you would give your name to?”
“Yes, but not my real name.”--_Texas Ranger._
* * * * *
_He_--I’ve come to St. Louis to make an honest living.
_Hee_--Well, there’s not much competition.--_Washington Dirge._
* * * * *
_Mrs. Grub_ (after a tiff)--When I married you I didn’t know you were
such a coward. I thought you were a brave man.
_Grub_--So did everybody else.--_Answers._
* * * * *
“The nerve of that guy offering me ten dollars a week. What does he
think I am--a college graduate?”--_Cynic._
* * * * *
“Hallo, what are you doing here, old fellow?”
“I am on my honeymoon.”
“Where’s your wife?”
“Well, somebody must stay at home and look after the shop.”--_Prague
Press._
* * * * *
_Mrs. Greene_--Mary, how can you tell an old chicken from a young one?
_Mary_--By the teeth, ma’am.
“How silly! A chicken has no teeth.”
“No; but I have.”--_Answers._
* * * * *
“Baby’s getting on wonderfully--I’m sure she’ll be able to walk soon.”
“D’you think it’s worth the trouble of teaching her--hardly anybody
walks much nowadays.”--_Prague Press._
* * * * *
It was a cool, clear evening in June. They were drifting slowly over
the placid surface of the little mountain lake. Conversation had
languished. The weather and the rest of the guests at the hotel had
been discussed. At last a thought struck him.
“Have you heard our echo?” he asked; “it’s quite famous.”
“Oh, no; I’d love to,” she responded breathlessly.
“All right. Here goes; now listen--Halloo!”
“_Halloo._”
“What are you doing?”
“_None of your d--n business._”--_Stevens Tech Stone Mill._
* * * * *
“What do you feed your dog on--table scraps?”
“Yes’m, and believe me, he gets an earful.”--_Judge._
* * * * *
“My pen is my upkeep.”
“Are you an author?”
“Gosh, no. I raise hogs.”--_Oklahoma Whirlwind._
* * * * *
_Landlady_--I think you had better board elsewhere.
_Boarder_--Yes, I often have.
_Landlady_--Often had what?
_Boarder_--Had better board elsewhere.--_M. I. T. Voo Doo._
* * * * *
“Lay down, pup; lay down!” ordered the man. “Good doggie--lay down, I
say.”
“You’ll have to say ‘Lie down,’ Mister,” declared a small bystander.
“That’s a Boston terrier.”--_M. I. T. Voo Doo._
* * * * *
Two stuttering blacksmiths had finished heating a piece of pig iron,
and one placed it upon the anvil with a pair of tongs.
“H-h-h-h-hit it,” he stuttered to his helper.
“Wh-wh-wh--where?” asked the other.
“Ah, h-h-h-h-hell, we’ll have to h-h-heat it again now.”--_Oklahoma
Whirlwind._
* * * * *
“Dost know the Beer Dance, Shikh-Salah?”
“Nay, Ceghier-Ben-Alah, nay.”
“Oh, surely thou dost know. The one with all the hops in
it.”--_Virginia Reel._
* * * * *
_First Drunk Man on Street Car_--Shay, wot time ish it?
_Second Ditto, pulling out knife_--Ish Wednesday.
_First Drunk_--Shtop the car, ash where I get off.--_Buffalo Bison._
* * * * *
“What has become of Schmidt?”
“He went to America and has made a name for himself there.”
“How?”
“He calls himself Smith now!”--_Nebelspalter_ (Zurich).
* * * * *
_Traveler_--Why didn’t they build this hotel more than three stories
high?
_Hop_--Well, they figured to build it higher, but their elevator cable
wasn’t long enough to reach four stories.--_Oregon Orange Owl._
* * * * *
“Do you believe in dreams, daddy?” asked Jink’s little son.
“I used to,” replied Jinks, “until I married one.”--_Tid-Bits._
* * * * *
_Bobby_--Pa, what is status quo?
_Pa_--Something that comes in over the radio, I think.--_Judge._
* * * * *
_Billings_--What, didn’t you duck when she threw that case at you?
_Barnum_--I did; but she allowed for the duck.--_Judge._
* * * * *
“Is Mable’s new evening dress in style?”
“Well, it might have been in Adam and Eve’s time.”--_Texas Ranger._
* * * * *
_Fan_--Look! Harvard is going to kick off.
_Cynic_--Heck!! They’ve been dead for years.--_Wisconsin Octopus._
* * * * *
“There goes that ivy girl.”
“Ivy?”
“Yeah, clinging to that old ruin.”--_Judge._
* * * * *
“Who is better to have around than a yes man?”
“A yes woman?”
“Right.”--_Wisconsin Octopus._
* * * * *
“Verily, Hector did you hear the latest Scotch joke.”
“Proceed, Alcibiades.”
“A Scotchman just offered $25,000 for the first person to swim the
Atlantic.”--_Columbia Jester._
* * * * *
She was frightfully near-sighted and couldn’t recognize things more
than a yard away. Her lover didn’t know of it yet and she was going to
make sure he didn’t find out. Before he called this evening, she placed
a pin in a tree about fifty feet from a bench where she was certain
they would sit.
Sure enough, they strolled for some time in the garden and then he
suggested sitting on the bench.
“Oh, look at the pin in that tree over here!” she exclaimed.
“Don’t be foolish! You couldn’t possibly see a pin in that tree over
there. Why, it’s over fifty feet away.”
“You come with me and I’ll prove there’s a pin in that tree.”
She grabbed him by the hand and they started for the tree.