* * * * *
“This tonic is no good.”
“What’s the matter?”
“All the directions it gives are for adults, and I never had
them.”--_Iowa Green Gander._
* * * * *
“Give me an example of incongruity.”
“A football team at Wellesley.”
“And another.”
“One at Harvard.”--_Notre Dame Juggler._
* * * * *
“What’s an operetta?”
“Don’t be dumb--it’s a girl who works for the telephone
company.”--_Texas Ranger._
* * * * *
“My wife ran the car into the fence the other day and knocked some
paint off.”
“Off what, the car or the fence?”
“Neither; off my wife.”--_George Washington Ghost._
* * * * *
_Teacher_--Conjugate the verb “to swim.”
_Pupil_--Swim, swam, swum.
_Teacher_--Now conjugate the verb “to dim.”
_Pupil_--Say, are you trying to kid me?--_Southern California Wampus._
* * * * *
_Sue_--What’s the point in calling your friend “Hesperus” all the time?
_Lou_--’Cause I always have to ride in that wreck of his.--_Nebraska
Awgawan._
* * * * *
“Is Claud still mopping floors at the hotel?”
“Yes, he’s the same old floor flusher.”--_Western Reserve Red Cat._
* * * * *
_Valencia_--I feel certain that crullers are being made hereabouts.
_Barcelona_--Yes, smells extremely like a bakery doughnut?--_West Point
Pointer._
* * * * *
“What,” queries the fashion department of the Omaha Bee, “has become of
the old-fashioned sash?” It still abounds, dearie, only nowadays it is
called a skirt.--_New York World._
* * * * *
Two Scotchmen went bathing.
_One said_:--I’ll bet you sixpence I can stay under water longer than
you.
_The Other said_:--All right.
Both submerged. The police are still looking for the bodies.--_Tit
Bits._
* * * * *
_Lucy_--Did you hear that Joan’s grandmother was married yesterday?
_Nancy_--Well, it’s about time!--_West Point Pointer._
* * * * *
_Professor Beach_--Name eleven of Shakespeare’s plays.
_Waldo Dickman_--“Ten Nights in a Barroom” and “The Merchant of
Venice.”--_Marietta Olio._
* * * * *
_She_--Aren’t you happy, now that the furniture people are willing to
let you pay for the furniture by installments?
_He_--I would be if they’d let me pay the installments by
installments.--_Dublin Opinion._
* * * * *
_He_ (blushing)--Do you play croquet?
_She_ (fiery red)--No, mamma says it’s wicket.--_Carnegie Puppet._
* * * * *
_Nitt_--What do you think of these talking pictures?
_Witt_--Don’t like ’em; they wake me up.--_Judge._
* * * * *
“Do you know how to make a peach cordial?”
“Sure; send her some candy.”--_Ohio State Sun Dial._
* * * * *
A lady ran away from her husband and went to live in a hotel.
After several days she went back to him. She said she couldn’t
stand looking at the sign on the hotel door every time she went
out; it troubled her conscience. The sign was: Think; have you left
anything?--_Judge._
* * * * *