_Sport Writer_: Is the big colored boy in shape for the fight tonight?
_Trainer_: Yes, suh, Boss--he’s in the ink of condition.--_Life._
* * * * *
_Young Thing_: I have brought this book back; mother says it isn’t fit
for me to read.
_Librarian_: I think your mother must be mistaken.
_Young Thing_: Oh, no, she isn’t. I’ve read it all through.--_John
Bull’s Summer Annual._
* * * * *
Said the flapper, after she had introduced her new boy friend to her
parents: “What side of the family do you think I take after?”
“Well, you have your father’s eyes, nose and mouth,” the B. F. replied,
“but you got your legs from your mother.”--_Country Gentleman._
* * * * *
_Street Orator_: Nah! Any more interruptions and I finishes up--leavin’
yer ignorant of the ’orrible times in wich yer lives.--_London Opinion._
* * * * *
_Father_: I understand that young man of yours travels in rather speedy
company.
_Daughter_: Thanks for the compliment, old dear.--_American Legion
Monthly._
* * * * *
_He_: Do you believe in free love?
_She_: Yes, but let’s go to the movies first.--_Iowa Green Gander._
* * * * *
_The Cop_: HEY! Pull over to the curb!
_She_: But this isn’t where I live.--_Life._
* * * * *
“What did you do when you worked at the sawmills?”
“I came, I saw, and I sawed and sawed.”--_Washington Columns._
* * * * *
“Who were the two women you and Jack were out with last night?”
“A pair of convent girls.”
“How.”
“Oh, it was nun o’ this and nun o’ that.”--_Columbia Jester._
* * * * *
_Old Boy_ (laying out another chip):--Guess I’ll have to raise you,
sweetie!
_Young Thing_: Guess I’ll have to call you daddy.--_Stanford Chaparral._
* * * * *
_Auto Tourist_: I clearly had the right of way when this man ran into
me and yet you say I am to blame.
_Local Cop_: You certainly was.
_Autoist_: Why?
_Local Cop_: Because his father is Mayor, his brother is Chief of
Police, and I go with his sister.--_Buffalo Bison._
* * * * *
“And what do you think of the Grand Canyon, Hokku?”
“Just gorges, Anaximander, just gorges.”--_Nebraska Awgwan._
* * * * *
_Crawford_: These Red outrages should be stopped.
_Crabshaw_: They’re bringing the country to a terrible pass. The other
night when I was going home with a bottle of Scotch a cop stopped me to
see if I was carrying a bomb.--_Life._
* * * * *
_Hot_: My woman is a regular siren.
_Dog_: She must be handy to have around when it’s foggy.--_Columbian
Jester._
* * * * *
_Mrs. Methuselah_: Did you have anything in the mail, dear?
_Methuselah_: Nothing but another brochure from the
“Book-of-the-Century” people.--_Life._
* * * * *
“Will your husband accompany you to Paris?”
“Hardly. Taking a husband to Paris would be like carrying coals to
Newcastle.”--_Judge._
* * * * *
“You should be driving a truck instead of playing on a basket-ball
team.”
“This ain’t the time for you to be offensive.”--_Notre Dame Juggler._
* * * * *
_Grocer_: A thief entered my store last night and took every thing but
a box of soap.
_Judge_: The dirty crook.--_Lehigh Burr._
* * * * *
“I think I’ll commit suicide.”
“Good, but turn off the gas when you’re through.”--_Oregon Webfoot._
* * * * *
_Prof._ (in class before quiz):--The quiz questions are in the hands of
the printer. Now are there any questions anyone has to ask?
_Bright Stude_:--Who is the printer?--_Iowa Frivol._
* * * * *
_Doctor_: There must be something radically wrong with your system;
I’ll have to find out what it is.
_Patient_: But, Doctor, it can’t be too bad; I backed three winners
last Saturday.--_Aussie._
* * * * *
To a Jewish ex-service man an acquaintance remarked: “So you were in
the army, Ikey?”
“Oh, I vas in the army,” was the proud response.
“Did you get a commission?”
“No; only my vages!”--_Tit Bits._
* * * * *
_Terry_: Isn’t your friend Clark pretty slow?
_Jerry_: I should say not--it took him four hours to drive his new
sweetie fifteen miles home from a dance last night.--_Life._
* * * * *
“I don’t like the look o’ that there ’addick.”
“Well, if it’s looks yer arter, why don’t yer buy GOLDFISH?”--_Gaiety._
* * * * *
_He_: When you promised to obey at the altar you waived certain rights.
_She_: Yes, but it wasn’t a permanent waive.--_Answers._
* * * * *
_Assistant_: Have you an account with this house, madam?
_Customer_: No, but maybe I can arrange matters with your manager.
_Assistant_ (to manager): A lady of no account to see you,
sir.--_Passing Show._
* * * * *
If writers and poets starve in attics it’s their own fault. There’s
much more inspiration to be found in cellars.--_Judge._
* * * * *
_Teacher_: What great law is Newton credited with discovering?
_The Class_ (in unison): The bigger they are the harder they
fall.--_Carnegie Puppet._
* * * * *
“You probably don’t remember me,” began the self-made man proudly, “but
twenty years ago when I was a poor, humble boy, you gave me a message
to carry.”
“Yes, yes,” cried the busy man, “where’s the answer?”--_Buffalo Bison._
* * * * *
“Would you be good enough to look after my car?”
“Sir! I am the mayor of this town!”
“That doesn’t matter. You look to me to be an honest man!”--_Buen
Humor_ (Madrid).
* * * * *
_Percy_: What do you think of Brown?
_Patrick_: He is one of those people that pat you on the back before
your face and hit you in the face behind your back.--_Answers._
* * * * *
_Freddy_: Father, what is an egotist?
_Father_: An egotist, my son, is a man who tells you those things about
himself which you intended to tell him about yourself.--_Tit Bits._
* * * * *
“Your daughter seems devoted to tennis.”
“No, she detests it. But she has such wonderful legs for jumping over
the net.”--_Life._
* * * * *
“What, lady, not fresh? Eggs from the country?”
“What country?”--_Le Rire_ (Paris).
* * * * *
“How did the Smith wedding come off?”
“Fine until the preacher asked the bride if she would obey her husband.”
“What happened then?”
“She replied, ‘Do you think I’m crazy?’ and the groom, who was in a
sort of a daze, replied, ‘I do.’”--_Cornell Widow._
* * * * *
_Youth_: I just tore up that sonnet I wrote last week.
_Damsel_: Tore it up? Why, that was the best thing you ever
did.--_Wisconsin Octopus._
* * * * *
“My dear I am afraid that poor Lady X has had a sad disappointment
over her Memoirs. Why, the book wasn’t even withdrawn from
publication!”--_Putnam Book News._
* * * * *
“My girl is divine.”
“Yours may be de vine, but mine’s de berries.”--_Carnegie Tech. Puppet._
* * * * *
_Taxi Driver_ (after patron pays fare)--Here’s your receipt, sir.
_Patron_--Ah, I see. Did I buy the car?--_Denison Flamingo._
* * * * *
“What’s plural for whim?”
“Women.”--_Pitt Panther._
* * * * *
_Cop_--Who was driving when you hit that car?
_Drunk_ (triumphantly)--None of us; we was all on th’ back
seat.--_Virginia Reel._
* * * * *
_Padre_--Do you take this woman for butter or for wurst?
_Hardre_--Oh, liver alone, I never sausage nerve!--_Virginia Reel._
* * * * *
Are you old enough to remember when some of the stores advertised
“Yankee Notions?”--so you dye your hair, do you?--_The Kansas City
Star._
* * * * *
_Charlady_: She wanted me to have a finger in the pie, but I smelt a
rat an’ nipped it in the bud.
_Cook_: Lor’, Mrs. Jones, ’ow you do mix your semaphores.--_Ohio State
Journal._
* * * * *
“Has Connie left for the dance?”
“I think she must have, I see her clothes on the bed.”--_The Pink ’Un._
* * * * *
_She_: Do you think that Princeton man really meant to hurt you when he
hit you with that seal ring?
_Harvard Veteran_: Well, he certainly gave me that impression.--_Life._
* * * * *
The most profligate occupant of a sublet apartment has been located. He
uses the player piano rolls to wrap up his laundry.--_The New York Sun._
* * * * *
“How much do you pay a week for room?”
“Well, some expressmen charge me a dollar, others seventy-five
cents.”--_Western Reserve Red Cat._
* * * * *
Alas, poor Blimson, I know him well. He is in the Hospital. The doctors
mildly term it “acute alcoholism.” If he dies, I suppose it can be
charged to supersociability. I thought he had more sense than to drink
from a stranger’s flask.
“Why didn’t you offer him some of yours first?” I asked, as I sat by
the bed and held his hand.
“I did intend to,” he moaned. “But he beat me to the draw.”--_New
Orleans Times-Picayune._
* * * * *
“What is a detour?”
“The roughest distance between two points.”--_Christian Science
Monitor._
* * * * *
“Let’s go to the theatre.”
“Haven’t a thing to wear.”
“Then what say we take in an opera?”--_Western Reserve Red Cat._
* * * * *
Louisa, the colored kitchen maid, was from the country but she was
energetic and learned fast. Part of her duties was to water the fern
and change the water in the goldfish bowl. Her mistress asked her on
the second day:
“Did you remember to empty the water under the refrigerator?”
“Yes, ma’am, I emptied it and put in fresh water.”--_Charleston News
and Courier._
* * * * *
_Mistress_ (to departing Maid who has asked for reference): Of course,
Mary, I shall have to tell Mrs. Brown of your uncontrollable temper.
_Mary_: Thenk you very much, Mum. It’ll p’raps make ’er mind ’er p’s
and q’s.--_Punch._
* * * * *
_Edith_: I saw Helen yesterday and we had the loveliest confidential
chat together.
_Ethel_: I thought so; she wouldn’t speak to me today.--_The Boston
Transcript._
* * * * *
_Social Worker_--Do you believe in the transmigration of souls?
_Fisherman_--Well, no, sir. I likes ’em fried in the ordinary
way.--_Kokomo Humorist._
* * * * *
“Tommy, how many wars was Spain engaged in during the seventeenth
century?”
“Seven, sir.”
“Seven? Enumerate them.”
“One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.”--_Tit Bits._
* * * * *
_Kitty_--Jane has had her face lifted.
_Katty_--What did they use, a windlass?--_Penn State Froth._
* * * * *
_Alla_--What is so rare as a day in June?
_Gazzam_--A charity bazaar in Scotland.--_Ohio State Sun Dial._
* * * * *
_Tramp_--“Have you a piece of cake, lady, to give a poor man who hasn’t
had a bite for two days?”
“Cake? Isn’t bread good enough for you?”
“Ordinarily, yes ma’am, but this is my birthday.”--_Pitt Panther._
* * * * *
_Her_--So your father lost all his fortune in the peanut industry?
_Him_--Yes, someone stole the stand.--_North Carolina Buccaneer._
* * * * *
_Stranger_--I represent a society for the prevention of profanity. I
want to take profanity entirely out of your life and--
_Jones_ (calling to his wife)--I say, Mary; here’s a man who wants to
buy our car!--_Tit Bits._
* * * * *
“Great news, old man. I’m engaged to a beautiful woman and an
intelligent one.”
“Fine! Which one are you going to marry?”--_Northwestern Purple Parrot._
* * * * *
_Voice on Phone_--John Smith is sick and is unable to attend classes
today. He requested me to notify you.
_Dr. Wilhelm_--All right. Who is this speaking?
_Voice_--This is my roommate.--_M. I. T. Voo Doo._
* * * * *
“Did you barely escape from that fire last night?”
“No, I had my pajamas on.”--_N. Y. U. Medley._
* * * * *
“What’s a college professor?”
“He’s the person who gets the money that’s left after the athletic
coaches are paid off.”--_Carnegie Puppet._
* * * * *
_She_--I lost my gold pencil.
_He_--You should have had a string on it.
_She_--I did. I lost that, too.--_Dennison Flamingo._
* * * * *
“Your name?”
“Miss Smith.”
“Here, have one of your old man’s cough drops.”--_Rutgers Chanticleer._
* * * * *
“Last night a man at the hotel wanted to bet he could whip anybody in
the lobby.”
“My word!”
“The elevator boy took him up.”--_Louisville Satyr._
* * * * *
“I understand there is a ban on the new Oxford bags?”
“Yes, they say several men have gone crazy trying to find their legs so
that they could pull up their socks.”--_Northwestern Purple Parrot._
* * * * *
“I think that girl over there dislikes me!”
“Why?”
“She’s just pulled down her skirt!”--_The Pink ’Un._
* * * * *
_The Lady_--What d’yer mean by insultin’ my sister?
_The Gent_--I never insulted ’er. All I sez was that if ’er face was
’er fortune, she ought ter be arrested for tryin’ to pass counterfeit
money.--_Passing Show._
* * * * *
“My boy,” said the patronizing man, as he handed around the Flor de
Toofas, “that’s something of a cigar!”
“So it is,” responded the victim, after he had taken a puff or two;
“what is it?”--_Tit Bits._
* * * * *
“Marie doesn’t go out as often as she used to.”
“Ah, settled and become a nice, quiet stay-at-home, eh?”
“No, I mean she carries her liquor better.”--_Judge._
* * * * *
_Jim_--Why don’t you go home?
_Will_--My wife’s mad at me and locked me out.
_Jim_--What’s she mad about?
_Will_--Because I don’t come home.--_Toronto Goblin._
* * * * *
“Say, what’s that building there?”
“Where?”
“You looked too late. It’s gone.”--_Yale Record._
* * * * *
_Fan_--How about your team? Are they good losers?
_Coach_ (after a disastrous season)--Good? Hell, they’re
perfect.--_Oklahoma Whirlwind._
* * * * *
_He_--How about a little ride, Cutie?
_She_--Are you going north?
_He_--Yes, I am.
_She_--Give my regards to the Eskimos.--_Toronto Goblin._
* * * * *
_Living Skeleton_--What’s become of the India rubber woman?
_Dwarf_--The boss just bounced her.--_California Pelican._
* * * * *
A plumber was recently given a fortune by one of his customers.
We seem to remember having paid one or two little bills like
that.--_Everybody’s Weekly._
* * * * *
“I was shocked to hear that Peter had eloped with your wife. I thought
he was your best friend.”
“He is, but he doesn’t know it yet.”--_Toronto Goblin._
* * * * *
_Customer_--Chicken croquettes, please.
_Waiter_--Fowl ball!!!--_Amherst Lord Jeff._
* * * * *
_Benevolent Visitor_: Do any of your friends ever come here to see you?
_Convict 131313_: No, mam, they’re all here wit’ me.--_M. I. T. Voo
Doo._
* * * * *
_One With Cigarette_--Dick went on another wet party last night.
_One Without_--Well, do we have to bail him out again?--_V. M. I.
Sniper._
* * * * *
“Not happy! With so beautiful a bride? Why, man, you got the girl who
was the talk of the town.”
“So I discover.”--_Cornell Widow._
* * * * *
_Lecturer_--Can anyone give the derivation of the word auditorium?
_Listener_--Yes--from the word AUDIO--hear, and TAURUS--bull. A place
where you--
_Lecturer_--That will do.--_Washington Dirge._
* * * * *
_Proud Mother_--Do you know, only yesterday Baby threw all her clothes
out the nursery window.
_Fatuous Visitor_--By Jove! Rather a stroke of luck she wasn’t wearin’
them at the time, what!--_Humorist._
* * * * *
_Ruth_--Don’t ’e let fayther see ’e kissin’ me.
_Reuben_--I bain’t kissin’ ’e.
_Ruth_--Oh, well, I thought I’d tell ’e in case.--_London Opinion._
* * * * *
_Golfer_--Can you give me a caddie who doesn’t giggle all the time?
_Caddie Master_--Well--there’s old Mac over there hasn’t smiled for
forty years--but of course, I can’t guarantee him!--_Passing Show._
* * * * *
“We have a new home.”
“Well, when did this happen?”
“This vacation. You see, mother brought the loveliest door knob from
Europe, so we built a house to go around it.”--_California Pelican._
* * * * *
“Ella attracts the men, doesn’t she?”
“Yes, her father is a steel magnate.”--_Tit Bits._
* * * * *
_Semite_--Some burglars got into the Sem last night, bound me to a
chair and gagged me.
_Frosh_--Then what did you do?
_Semite_--Why, I sat around all night and chewed the rag.--_Bucknell
Bell Hop._
* * * * *
“Why does the woman prisoner call herself an ex-wife?”
“X marks the spot where her husband’s body was found.”--_Stanford
Chaparral._
* * * * *
(In the cinema)--“Excuse me, madam, but do you mind coughing more
quietly so that I may be better able to hear your friend read out the
sub-titles?”--_London Opinion._
* * * * *
_The Wife_--I think we’d better go now, George, now you’ve started
cracking grapes with a nut-cracker.--_Sketch._
* * * * *
“I say, old chap, didn’t I borrow five pounds of you last week?”
“No, you didn’t.”
“How careless of me! Could you let me have it now?”--_Tit Bits._
* * * * *
“Will you kindly exchange this currant bun for one of more recent
currency?”--_Passing Show._
* * * * *
“Is he intelligent?”
“Well, he has one of the best collections of suppressed books that I
know of.”--_Judge._
* * * * *
A college student arose from his table in a fashionable dining-room
and walked toward the door. He was passing the house detective at the
entrance when a silver sugar bowl dropped from his bulging coat.
The guest glanced calmly at the officer, then turned toward the
occupants of the room. “Ruffians,” he said, “Who threw that?” and
walked out.--_Stanford Chaparral._
* * * * *
“My goodness!” exclaimed the old lady on the bus, “isn’t the traffic
thick?”
“It’s not the traffic,” grunted the conductor, “it’s the cops.”--_Brown
Jug._
* * * * *
_Briggs_--Why have you got the end wall of your garage on hinges?
_Griggs_--My wife can’t always stop the car.--_Answers._
* * * * *
“Father, what is a suicide?”
“A suicide, my son, is a person who has reached college without finding
that there was no Santa Claus.”--_Cornell Widow._
* * * * *
“I wish I had lived three hundred years ago.”
“Why?”
“I shouldn’t have had so much history to learn.”--_Buen Humor_ (Madrid).
* * * * *
_Judge_--The policeman says you were traveling at a speed of sixty
miles an hour.
_Prisoner_--It was necessary, Your Honor; I had stolen the car.
_Judge_--Oh, that’s different. Case dismissed.--_Carolina Buccaneer._
* * * * *
“Do you girls really like conceited men better than the other kind?”
“What other kind?”--_London Opinion._
* * * * *
It is said that radio broadcasting will eventually lead to the
acceptance of English as the international language. Not, however,
without the strenuous opposition of Mayor Thompson.--_A. C. R._
* * * * *
“Talking about little burgs,” said the traveling man, “reminds me of
the time I was in the smallest town I know of. Why, that town was so
small that they painted ‘Come Again’ on the back of the ‘Welcome’
sign.”--_Western Reserve Red Cat._
* * * * *
_Joe_--Is he stuck up?
_Moe_--Is he stuck up! Why he even put Hyatt bearings in his
car!--_Stevens Tech Stone Mill._
* * * * *
“Use the word ‘Texas’ in a sentence.”
“To hell with Income Texas.”--_Ohio State Sun Dial._
* * * * *
“How’s huntin’ out Chicago way?”
“Purty good. Got a nice mounted policeman in my trophy room.”--_Ohio
Hobo._
* * * * *
_First Tragedian_: Zounds, Horace, why aren’t you working? Aren’t you
with the road show of “Macbeth”?
_Second Nut_: Correct, Knave, but they’re repairing the road.--_Ohio
State Sun Dial._
* * * * *
An old countryman, who had been to London for the first time on
business, returned in a bad temper.
“At that hotel,” he complained, “they kept the light in my bed room
burning all night. I couldn’t get a wink of sleep.”
“Why didn’t you blow it out?” asked his wife.
“Blow it out?” said the old man. “I couldn’t. It was in a
bottle!”--_Pearsons._
* * * * *
“Have you had any trouble in meeting your expenses?”
“Not a bit. I’m always running into them.”--_London Opinion._
* * * * *
“Did you know I was a life-saver last summer?”
“Really, what flavor?”--_Columbia Jester._
* * * * *
_Host_: What do you think of these cigars? I got them from an airplane
pilot.
_Guest_: What does he use them for--sky-writing?--_London Opinion._
* * * * *
“Yes,” said the visitor from Boston, “I just came down for a few days
to read a book.”--_New York Evening Post._
* * * * *
_Evelyn_: Is Betty left handed?
_Doris_: No, engaged.--_Boston Transcript._
* * * * *
_R. O._: Galli Curci sings high.
_T. C._: Yeah; three plunks too much for a concert.--_Washington
Columns._
* * * * *
“The preacher used very poor discretion Sunday.”
“How’s that?”
“His text was, ‘A Fool and His Money Are Soon Parted,’ and soon after
the sermon he passed the collection plate.”--_Western Reserve Red Cat._
* * * * *
_He_--Name the five senses.
_Abie_--Nickels.--_Tennessee Mugwump._
* * * * *
_Stu_--What is Jack so pleased about?
_Dent_--Why he’s got an idea that will make him a millionaire.
_Stu_--An idea worth millions! What is it?
_Dent_--A cake of flying soap for shower-baths.--_Virginia Reel._
* * * * *
Our idea of a lazy collegiate is the one who pretends he’s drunk so his
fraternity brothers will put him to bed.--_Ohio Hobo._
* * * * *
_Stout Theatrical Person_ (engaging room)--Window’s a bit small in case
of emergency!
_Landlady_--There ain’t goin’ to be any sich emergency! My terms to
actors is weekly in advance!--_London Opinion._
* * * * *
Two fathers of college seniors were discussing their sons:
“Why, my son is so lazy that he wants to open an ice factory in Alaska.”
“Why, man, my son would like to get a job with your son as a
bookkeeper.”--_V. M. I. Sniper._
* * * * *
The latest wedding-ring is to be very thin and narrow. The
old-fashioned, cumbersome affair, of course, was made to last a
lifetime.--_Passing Show._
* * * * *
“Isn’t Mary old-fashioned?”
“Oh, how?”
“She thinks she’ll have to go to heaven to see the angels her husband
talks about in his sleep.”--_Everybody’s Weekly._
* * * * *
_Friend_--I just saw a young man trying to kiss your daughter.
_Modern Mother_--Did he succeed?
“No.”
“Then it wasn’t my daughter.”--_Answers._
* * * * *
_Actor_--The first night I played there, sir, the town stormed the
ticket-office!
_Cynic_--Rotten luck! And, of course, you had to give ’em their money
back?--_Sydney Bulletin._
* * * * *
_Doc_--Give me a short definition of a polygon.
_Pupil_--A polygon is a dead parrot.--_Buffalo Bison._
* * * * *
_Tax Collector_ (to young man who has just asked for daughter’s
hand)--Young man, how can you possibly keep my daughter on the salary
that you return?--_London Opinion._
* * * * *
_Harold_--Which would be worse, for me to be run over by a bus or tram,
or to tear my knickers?
_Mother_--Why, to be run over by a bus, of course.
_Harold_--That’s good. I’ve just torn my knickers.--_Passing Show._
* * * * *
_First Parent_--Ain’t college wonderful? Thaddeus is majoring in
bootlegging and Boadicea in sex appeal.--_Judge._
* * * * *
_Singer_--Do you know, “I’m Just Breezing Along With the Breeze”?
_Player_--No, but I’ll follow you on the piano.--_Brown Jug._
* * * * *
“Give me a sentence using ‘kith’ and ‘kin.’”
“I’ll kith you as often as I kin.”--_Utah Humbug._
* * * * *
A conductor fears no one--he tells them all where to get off.--_Ohio
State Sun Dial._
* * * * *
_Judge_--You admit you ran over this man, drove around the block and
ran over him again?
_Driver_--Yes, your honor.
“What have you to say in your defense?”
“I didn’t know I got him the first time.”--_Stevens Stone Mill._
* * * * *
_He_--D’ya know fish is brain food?
_Haw_--Naw, how come?
“It takes knowledge to open a can of sardines.”--_Penn Punch Bowl._
* * * * *
“Jack’s always up to date, isn’t he?”
“I’ll say so! He’s trying to put four-wheel brakes on his bicycle
now.”--_Texas Ranger._
* * * * *
_He_--I do hope you will pardon my dancing on your feet--I’m a little
out of practice.
_She_--I don’t mind your dancing on them. It’s the continual jumping on
and off them that aggravates me.--_Alleghany Alligator._
* * * * *
_Drunk_--Shay, where does Tom Maloney live?
_Friend_--Why, you’re Tom--old boy.
“Shure, but where does he live?”--_Carnegie Puppet._
* * * * *
_First Student_--Good gosh! They’re advertising shoe shines for five
cents, let’s get one.
_Second Student_--Aw, they’re probably no good, and besides I’ve got on
my room-mate’s shoes.--_Alabama Rammer Jammer._
* * * * *
“Waiter--pleash brig me a dish prunish.”
“Stewed, sir?”
“Shut your mouth and get the prunish.”--_Illinois Siren._
* * * * *
_Judge_--How did you get in this condition?
_Prisoner_--I wash putting shome hair reshtorer on m’ moustache an’ th’
bottle shlipped!--_Judge._
* * * * *
“Do you mean to tell me that you have lived here ten years and cannot
tell me the quickest way to the station?”
“I’ve been a taxi driver all these years.”--_Notre Dame Juggler._
* * * * *
_Guide_ (to tour party at the Ford plant)--Do you know what would
happen if that man on the right side ever missed a day at work?
_Interested Onlooker_--No, what would happen?
“Two thousand two hundred and sixty-one Fords would go out of the
factory without springs.”
“Say, Mister, that fellow has been sick a lot, hasn’t he?”--_Minnesota
Ski-U-Mah._
* * * * *
“What is the past tense of marry?”
“Divorce.”--_Utah Humbug._
* * * * *
_He_--Is that girl a prude?
_Him_--I’ll say. She’s such a prude that when she dines out she orders
bosom instead of breast of chicken.--_Penn Punch Bowl._
* * * * *
“Yes,” said the oculist, “he had a peculiar affliction; everything he
looked at he saw double.”
“Poor fellow. I suppose he found it hard to get a job?”
“Not at all. The gas company snapped him up, and now he’s reading
meters.”--_Tit Bits._
* * * * *
_Applicant_ (to magistrate)--I want some advice about my husband, sir.
He left me twenty-five years ago and I ain’t seen him since.
_Magistrate_--Well?
“What about me having a separation?”--_Tit Bits._
* * * * *
The skin of the human palm is seventy-six times as thick as that of the
eyelid. Nevertheless it is so sensitive that the touch of a piece of
paper the size of a treasury note will cause a waiter’s hand to clench
convulsively.--_Passing Show._
* * * * *
_Office Boy_--Lady to see you, sir.
_Busy Employer_--Tell her I’m engaged.
“That’s what she’s come to see you about, sir. You were to have married
her today.”--_Tit Bits._
* * * * *
_Laundry Manager_: Morning, sir!
_Customer_: Ah, good morning! I--er--don’t want to complain. I
would like a little more shirt on my cuffs when they come back next
time.--_Answers._
* * * * *
“Now, then, what should a polite little boy say to a lady who has given
him a penny for carrying her parcels?”
“I am too polite to say it, madam.”--_Table Talk_ (Melbourne).
* * * * *
_Dorothy_--Why are you beating Willie like that?
_Willie’s Father_--You see, tomorrow afternoon he will bring home
his school report and I have to go away before breakfast in the
morning.--_Passing Show._
* * * * *
_Dear Old Gentleman_--Inspector, I told you last week that my
pocketbook had been stolen. It was a mistake, I have found it.
_Inspector_--You have come too late, sir, much too late. We caught the
thief yesterday.--_Passing Show._
* * * * *
“Why didn’t you answer the elevator man when he said ‘up’?”
“I thought he was having indigestion.”--_Vassar Vagabond._
* * * * *
_Customer_--You said this blanket is all wool, and it is plainly marked
“cotton.”
_Clerk_--Well, you see, we marked it that way to fool the
moths.--_Tenn. Mugwump._
* * * * *
“Bill’s nowhere near the fool he was.”
“Has he reformed?”
“No, he’s dieting.”--_Dartmouth Jack O’ Lantern._
* * * * *
_Rockne_--Athletics are becoming very general in America.
_Stagg_--Yes. Take football games for instance. Twenty-two men play the
game while 50,000 stage a drinking bout.--_Carnegie Puppet._
* * * * *
“Her mind is essentially modern.”
“How do you mean?”
“She never seems to have much on it.”--_Everybody’s Weekly._
* * * * *
“The trouble with many men,” says the West End tailor, “is that
they don’t know what to do with their hands.” Our bridge partner is
invariably one of them.--_Humorist._
* * * * *
_Mrs. Newrich_ (looking over house plan)--What’s this thing going to be?
_Architect_--That is an Italian staircase.
“Just a waste of money. We probably won’t ever have any Italians coming
to see us.”--_Answers._
* * * * *
_Clairvoyant_--Your path is beset. Soon you will have to choose between
a beautiful woman and a fortune.
_Puerile Person_--Well, the money won’t matter. I inherited half a
million!
“That is the fortune to which I am referring.”--_London Opinion._
* * * * *
“Never borrow money from that man, he’s a Shylock. In winter he takes
fifty per cent and in summer sixty.”
“But why does he take more in the summer?”
“Because the days are longer.”--_Pele Mele_ (Paris).
* * * * *
_Long Suffering Tailor_--You recently inherited money. Why not pay me
what you owe me?
_His Client_--I wouldn’t like people to think that inheriting money has
changed my habits.--_Answers._
* * * * *
“Hank jest got married.”
“Wot? An’ him jest outa jail, too!”--_Judge._
* * * * *
_Customer_ (in haberdashery)--I would like to see a tie in which blue
predominates.
_Clerk_--Here’s one in which blue predominates, but the purple in it
predominates even more, I think.--_Boston Transcript._
* * * * *
Laundries charge because they have to hire extra help for pulling off
buttons.--_Kansas Sour Owl._
* * * * *
A tourist who had stopped at a mountaineer’s cabin down in the Ozarks,
noticed four holes in the door.
_Tourist_--Friend, I do not like to be inquisitive, but what are the
four holes in your door for?
_Mountaineer_--Wal, yo’ see, I has four cats.
“But wouldn’t one good-sized hole do for all the cats?”
“H--l, when I say ‘Scat!’ I mean ‘Scat!’”--_Kansas Sour Owl._
* * * * *
“I wonder if you could tell me where I could get a drink?”
“Sir, I am only a street car conductor. You are the fourth man to
mistake me for a policeman this afternoon.”--_Wesleyan Wasp._
* * * * *
She was only a telephone girl, but she severed my connection with the
university.--_Alabama Rammer Jammer._
* * * * *
A certain man was suspected by his wife of receiving phone calls from
other women. About twelve o’clock one night the following conversation
could be heard:
_Husband_--Hello, Elmer.
“Is this you, Elmer?”
“You are Elmer?”
“Yes, I would, Elmer.”
“Certainly, I will, Elmer.”
“No, Elmer. All right, Elmer.”
“Of course I will, Elmer.”
“Well, goodby, Elmer.”
Then the man turned to his suspicious wife and said: “That was Elmer,
dear.”--_Missouri Outlaw._
* * * * *
“Hear about Jack? Went out too far in the ocean and drowned.”
“It surfs him right.”--_Pennsylvania Punch Bowl._
* * * * *
_First Housewife_--Yes, I heard the noise and got up, and there, under
the bed I saw a leg.
_Second Ditto_--Good heavens! The burglar’s?
“No; my husband’s. He had heard the noise, too.”--_Answers._
* * * * *
A new airplane is equipped with a kitchen. When the cook wants to
toss a pancake, he simply stands still and asks the pilot to loop the
loop.--_Humorist._
* * * * *
_Globe Trotter_: I’ll have to give it to your race, Mr. Goldstein. In
every land I have visited I have found Hebrews with the exception of
Alaska.
_Mr. Goldstein_: Alaska? Vell, I don’t know, but Iceberg ain’t no
Presbyterian name, y’know.--_Capper’s Weekly._
* * * * *
_Doorkeeper_--Sorry, sir, one ticket won’t admit two of you.
_Reveler_--But hang it, I’m dressed up as a Siamese twin, and my friend
is merely a part of the costume.--_Humorist._
* * * * *
“My carburetor is out of order, but I think I can put it right.”
“Have you a mechanical bent?”
“No, but perhaps my neighbor has one. I’ll borrow it.”--_Answers._
* * * * *
_He_--Darling, I’ve made up my mind to stay at home.
_She_--Too late, dearest, I’ve made up my face to go out.--_Judge._
* * * * *
_Captain_ (to Irishman applying for job on board a ship)--Have you ever
been to sea before?
_The Son of Erin_--Do you think I came over from Oirelin in a
cab?--_Answers._
* * * * *
_Jimmy_--For two cents I’d knock your block off.
_Junior_--So you’ve turned professional!--_Life._
* * * * *
“I don’t believe in the obligation of the state to find work for its
citizens.”
“Neither do I, but why are you so strong about it?”
“My brother’s just got six months’ hard labor.”--_Dublin Opinion._
* * * * *
“When Betty got married we girls gave her a shower.”
“Yeah? I’ll bet her husband was glad to get her nice and clean.”--_Penn
State Froth._
* * * * *
_Ethel_--And do you think he will love me even more when we are married?
_Mabel_--Oh, sure! Why he is just crazy about a married woman, my
dear.--_Life._
* * * * *
“Mr. Druggist, is this lipstick kissproof?”
“Yes, miss. Will you have a test?”--_Louisville Courier Journal._
* * * * *
_Professor_ (to frosh)--Mr. Holstein, spell banana.
_Frosh_--B-a-n-an-a-n-an-a-n-a ... darnit, professor, I know how to
spell it, but I don’t know when to stop.--_Northwestern Purple Parrot._
* * * * *
_Bridegroom_--As soon as our wedding was over we drove away in our car.
_Friend_--Where did you spend the honeymoon?
_Bridegroom_--In the hospital.--_Lustice Koelner Zeitung._
* * * * *
“You told me that horse you sold me would never give me any trouble.”
“Yes.”
“Well, he dropped dead while I was taking him home.”
“I only said he wouldn’t give you trouble; now I guarantee
it.”--_Judge._
* * * * *
“Excuse me, but this is your opera hat. I find I’ve been sitting on it.”
“Yes, it’s mine all right, but it’s not an opera hat.”--_Passing Show._
* * * * *
“Mamma, are you going to get that fur coat from daddy for your
birthday?”
“No, darling.”
“Have you tried throwing yourself on the floor and kicking like I
do?”--_Everybody’s Weekly._
* * * * *
“That girl gave me her phone number and it was certainly a descriptive
one.”
“What was it?”
“8888.”--_Judge._
* * * * *
_Lady_--Are you sure these lobsters are fresh?
_Fishmonger_--Madam, they are positively insulting.--_Iowa Frivol._
* * * * *
“Look here, Rastus, I am paying you to cut that wood? What’s Mose doing
it for? Did you hire him?”
“Yassuh, Ah is gwine to pay him $1.25 for the job.”
“But I was to pay you only a dollar.”
“Yassuh, but it’s wuth a quatah jus’ to be boss foh once.”--_Capper’s
Weekly._
* * * * *
_Angel_--I’m so sorry, we’ll have to stop. The car has run out of gas.
_Chlorine_--Oh, that’s all right. I brought a flask of gasoline
along.--_Pitt Panther._
* * * * *
_Chicago Mother_--And, now, my dear, go in and shoot father good
night.--_Virginia Reel._
* * * * *
_Husband_--Luella, I have a confession to make!
_Wife_--Oh, goody! Now I can try out my new revolver!--_Judge._
* * * * *
_New Patient_--For weeks I’ve been fighting a terrible desire to kill
myself, doctor.
_Medico_--Tut tut!
“But I’ve decided that suicide is a sin; so I’ve come to
you.”--_Answers._
* * * * *
“I had a ‘telephone date’ tonight.”
“A wiry guy?”
“No, a local operator.”--_M. I. T. Voo Doo._
* * * * *
In Vienna an operatic tenor has been shot.