ETIQUETTE FOR ELDERLY GIRLS.
A brisk correspondent writes to us that she finds our restrictions
as to the etiquette which single women should follow somewhat
embarrassing. Being now thirty-five, and at the head of her
father's house, with no intention of ever marrying, she asks if
she requires a chaperon; if it is necessary that she should
observe the severe self-denial of not entering an artist's studio
without a guardian angel; if she must never allow a gentleman to
pay for her theatre tickets; if she must, in short, assume a
matron's place in the world, and never enjoy a matron's freedom.
From her letter we can but believe that this young lady of
thirty-five is a very attractive person, and that she does "not
look her age." Still, as she is at the head of her father's house,
etiquette does yield a point and allows her to judge for herself
as to the proprieties which must bend to her. Of course with every
year of a woman's life after twenty-five she becomes less and less
the subject of chaperonage. For one thing, she is better able to
judge of the world and its temptations; in the second place, a
certain air which may not be less winning, but which is certainly
more mature, has replaced the wild grace of a giddy girlhood. She
has, with the assumption of years, taken on a dignity which, in
its way, is fully the compensation for some lost bloom. Many
people prefer it.
But we must say here that she is not yet, in European opinion,
emancipated from that guardianship which society dispenses with
for the youngest widow. She must have a "companion" if she is a
rich woman; and if she is a poor one she must join some party of
friends when she travels. She can travel abroad with her maid, but
in Paris and other Continental cities a woman still young-looking
had better not do this. She is not safe from insult nor from
injurious suspicion if she signs herself "Miss" Smith, and is
without her mother, an elderly friend, a companion, or party.
In America a woman can go anywhere and do almost anything without
fear of insult. But in Europe, where the custom of chaperonage is
so universal, she must be more circumspect.
As to visiting an artist's studio alone, there is in art itself an
ennobling and purifying influence which should be a protection.
But we must not forget that saucy book by Maurice Sand, in which
its author says that the first thing he observed in America was
that women (even respectable ones) went alone to artists' studios.
It would seem wiser, therefore, that a lady, though thirty-five,
should be attended in her visits to studios by a friend or
companion. This simple expedient "silences envious tongues," and
avoids even the remotest appearance of evil.
In the matter of paying for tickets, if a lady of thirty-five
wishes to allow a gentleman to pay for her admission to
picture-galleries and theatres she has an indisputable right to do
so. But we are not fighting for a right, only defining a law of
etiquette, when we say that it is not generally allowed in the
best society, abroad or here. In the case of young girls it is
quite unallowable, but in the case of a lady of thirty-five it may
be permitted as a sort of _camaraderie_, as one college friend may
pay for another. The point is, however, a delicate one. Men, in
the freedom of their clubs, recount to each other the clever
expedients which many women of society use to extort from them
boxes for the opera and suppers at Delmonico's. A woman should
remember that it may sometimes be very inconvenient to young men
who are invited by her to go to concerts and theatres to pay for
these pleasures. Many a poor fellow who has become a defaulter has
to thank for it the lady who first asked him to take her to
Delmonico's to supper. He was ashamed to tell her that he was
poor, and he stole that he might not seem a churl.
Another phase of the subject is that a lady in permitting a
gentleman to expend money for her pleasures assumes an obligation
to him which time and chance may render oppressive.
With an old friend, however, one whose claim to friendship is well
established, the conditions are changed. In his case there can be
no question of obligation, and a woman may accept unhesitatingly
any of those small attentions and kindnesses which friendly
feeling may prompt him to offer to her.
Travelling alone with a gentleman escort was at one time allowed
in the West. A Kentucky woman of that historic period, "before the
war," would not have questioned the propriety of it, and a Western
man of to-day still has the desire to pay everything, everywhere,
"for a lady."
The increase in the population of the Western States and the
growth of a wealthy and fashionable society in the large towns
have greatly modified this spirit of unwise chivalry, and such
customs are passing away even on the frontier. Mr. Howells's
novel, "The Lady of the Aroostook," has acquainted American
readers with the unkind criticism to which a young lady who
travels in Europe without a chaperon is subjected, and we believe
that there are few mammas who would desire to see their daughters
in the position of Miss Lydia Blood.
"An old maid," as our correspondent playfully calls herself, may
do almost anything without violating etiquette, if she consents to
become a chaperon, and takes with her a younger person. Thus an
aunt and niece can travel far and wide; the position of an elder
sister is always dignified; the youthful head of a house has a
right to assert herself--she must do it--therefore etiquette bows
to her (as "nice customs courtesy to great kings").
There is very much in the appearance of a woman. It is a part of
the injustice of nature that some people look coquettish who are
not so. Bad taste in dress, a high color, a natural flow of
spirits, or a loud laugh have often caused a very good woman to be
misinterpreted. Such a woman should be able to sit in judgment
upon herself; and remembering that in a great city, at a crowded
theatre, or at a watering-place, judgments must be hasty and
superficial, she should tone down her natural exuberance, and take
with her a female companion who is of a different type from
herself. Calm and cold Puritanical people may not be more
respectable than the fresh-colored and laughing "old maids" of
thirty-five, but they look more so, and in this world women must
consult appearances. An elderly girl must ever think how she
looks. A woman who at a watering-place dresses conspicuously,
wears a _peignoir_ to breakfast, dyes her hair, or looks as if she
did, ties a white blond veil over her locks and sits on a hotel
piazza, showing her feet, may be the best, the most cultivated
woman in the house, but a superficial observer will not think so.
In the mind of every passer-by will lurk the feeling that she
lacks the first grace of womanhood, modesty--and in the criticism
of a crowd there is strength. A man passing such a person, and
contrasting her with modestly dressed and unobtrusive ladies,
would naturally form an unfavorable opinion of her; and were she
alone, and her name entered on the books of the house as "Miss"
Smith, he would not be too severe if he thought her decidedly
eccentric, and certainly "bad style." If, however, "Miss" Smith
were very plain and quiet, and dressed simply and in good taste,
or if she sat on the sands looking at the sea, or attended an
invalid or a younger friend, then Miss Smith might be as
independent as she pleased: she would suffer from no injurious
comments. Even the foreigner, who does not believe in the
eccentricities of the English _mees_, would have no word to say
against her. A good-looking elderly girl might say, "There is,
then, a premium on ugliness;" but that we do not mean. Handsome
women can conduct themselves so well that the breath of reproach
need not and does not touch them, and ugly women may and do
sometimes gain an undeserved reproach.
There are some people who are born with what we call, for want of
a better name, a pinchbeck air. Their jewellery never looks like
real gold; their manner is always bad; they have the _faux air_ of
fashion, not the real one. Such people, especially if single,
receive many a snub which they do not deserve, and to a woman of
this style a companion is almost necessary. Fortunately there are
almost always _two_ women who can join forces in travelling or in
living together, and the independence of such a couple is
delightful. We have repeated testimony in English literature of
the pleasant lives of the Ladies of Llangollen, of the lives of
Miss Jewsbury and Lady Morgan, and of the model sisters Berry. In
our own country we have almost abolished the idea that a companion
is necessary for women of talent who are physicians or artists or
musicians; but to those who are still in the trammels of private
life we can say that the presence of a companion need not destroy
their liberty, and it may add very much to their respectability
and happiness. There is, no doubt, a great pleasure in the added
freedom of life which comes to an elderly girl. "I can wear a
velvet dress now," said an exceedingly handsome woman on her
thirtieth birthday. In England an unmarried woman of fifty is
called "_Mrs._," if she prefers that title. So many delightful
women are late in loving, so many are true to some buried love, so
many are "elderly girls" from choice, and from no neglect of the
stronger sex, that to them should be accorded all the respect
which is supposed to accrue naturally to the married. "It takes a
very superior woman to be an old maid," said Miss Sedgwick.