CHAPERONS AND THEIR DUTIES.
It is strange that the Americans, so prone to imitate British
customs, have been slow to adopt that law of English society which
pronounces a chaperon an indispensable adjunct of every unmarried
young woman.
The readers of "Little Dorrit" will recall the exceedingly witty
sketch of Mrs. General, who taught her young ladies to form their
mouths into a lady-like pattern by saying "papa, potatoes, prunes,
and prism." Dickens knew very little of society, and cared very
little for its laws, and his ladies and gentlemen were pronounced
in England to be as great failures as his Little Nells and Dick
Swivellers were successes; but he recognized the universality of
chaperons. His portrait of Mrs. General (the first luxury which
Mr. Dorrit allowed himself after inheriting his fortune) shows how
universal is the necessity of a chaperon in English society, and
on the Continent, to the proper introduction of young ladies, and
how entirely their "style" depends upon their chaperon. Of course
Dickens made her funny, of course he made her ridiculous, but he
put her there. An American novelist would not have thought it
worth mentioning, nor would an American papa with two motherless
daughters have thought it necessary, if he travelled with them, to
have a chaperon for his daughters.
Of course, a mother is the natural chaperon of her daughters, and
if she understand her duties and the usages of society there is
nothing further to be said. But the trouble is that many American
mothers are exceedingly careless on this point. We need not point
to the wonderful Mrs. Miller--Daisy's mother--in Henry James,
Jr.'s, photograph of a large class of American matrons--a woman
who loved her daughter, knew how to take care of her when she was
ill, but did not know in the least how to take care of her when
she was well; who allowed her to go about with young men alone, to
"get engaged," if so she pleased, and who, arriving at a party
after her daughter had appeared, rather apologized for coming at
all. All this is notoriously true, and comes of our crude
civilization. It is the transition state. Until we learn better,
we must expect to be laughed at on the Pincian Hill, and we must
expect English novelists to paint pictures of us which we resent,
and French dramatists to write plays in which we see ourselves
held up as savages.
Europeans have been in the habit of taking care of young girls, as
if they were the precious porcelain of human clay. The American
mamma treats her beautiful daughter as if she were a very common
piece of delft indeed, and as if she could drift down the stream
of life, knocking all other vessels to pieces, but escaping injury
to herself.
Owing to the very remarkable and strong sense of propriety which
American women innately possess--their truly healthy love of
virtue, the absence of any morbid suspicion of wrong--this rule
has worked better than any one would have dared hope. Owing, also,
to the exceptionally respectful and chivalrous nature of American
men, it has been possible for a young lady to travel unattended
from Maine to Georgia, or anywhere within the new geographical
limits of our social growth. Mr. Howells founded a romance upon
this principle, that American women do not need a chaperon. Yet we
must remember that all the black sheep are not killed yet, and we
must also remember that propriety must be more attended to as we
cease to be a young and primitive nation, and as we enter the
lists of the rich, cultivated, luxurious people of the earth.
Little as we may care for the opinion of foreigners we do not wish
our young ladies to appear in their eyes in a false attitude, and
one of the first necessities of a proper attitude, one of the
first demands of a polished society, is the presence of a
chaperon. She should be a lady old enough to be the mother of her
charge, and of unexceptionable manner. She must know society
thoroughly herself, and respect its laws. She should be above the
suspicion of reproach in character, and devoted to her work. In
England there are hundreds of widows of half-pay
officers--well-born, well-trained, well-educated women--who can be
hired for money, as was Mrs. General, to play this part. There is
no such class in America, but there is almost always a lady who
will gladly perform the task of chaperoning motherless girls
without remuneration.
It is not considered proper in England for a widowed father to
place an unmarried daughter at the head of his house without the
companionship of a resident chaperon, and there are grave
objections to its being done here. We have all known instances
where such liberty has been very bad for young girls, and where it
has led to great scandals which the presence of a chaperon would
have averted.
The duties of a chaperon are very hard and unremitting, and
sometimes very disagreeable. She must accompany her young lady
everywhere; she must sit in the parlor when she receives
gentlemen; she must go with her to the skating-rink, the ball, the
party, the races, the dinners, and especially to theatre parties;
she must preside at the table, and act the part of a mother, so
far as she can; she must watch the characters of the men who
approach her charge, and endeavor to save the inexperienced girl
from the dangers of a bad marriage, if possible. To perform this
feat, and not to degenerate into a Spanish duenna, a dragon, or a
Mrs. General--who was simply a fool--is a very difficult task.
No doubt a vivacious American girl, with all her inherited hatred
of authority, is a troublesome charge. All young people are
rebels. They dislike being watched and guarded. They have no idea
what Hesperidean fruit they are, and they object to the dragon
decidedly.
But a wise, well-tempered woman can manage the situation. If she
have tact, a chaperon will add very much to the happiness of her
young charge. She will see that the proper men are introduced;
that her young lady is provided with a partner for the german;
that she is asked to nice places; that she goes well dressed and
properly accompanied; that she gives the return ball herself in
handsome style.
"I owe," said a wealthy widower in New York, whose daughters all
made remarkably happy marriages--"I owe all their happiness to
Mrs. Constant, whom I was so fortunate as to secure as their
chaperon. She knew society (which I did not), as if it were in her
pocket. She knew exactly what girls ought to do, and she was so
agreeable herself that they never disliked having her with them.
She was very rigid, too, and would not let them stay late at
balls; but they loved and respected her so much that they never
rebelled, and now they love her as if she were really their
mother."
A woman of elegant manners and of charming character, who will
submit to the slavery--for it is little less--of being a chaperon,
is hard to find; yet every motherless family should try to secure
such a person. In travelling in Europe, an accomplished chaperon
can do more for young girls than any amount of fortune. She has
the thing they want--that is, knowledge. With her they can go
everywhere--to picture-galleries, theatres, public and private
balls, and into society, if they wish it. It is "etiquette" to
have a chaperon, and it is the greatest violation of it not to
have one.
If a woman is protected by the armor of work, she can dispense
with a chaperon. The young artist goes about her copying
unquestioned, but in society, with its different laws, she must be
under the care of an older woman than herself.
A chaperon is indispensable to an engaged girl. The mother, or
some lady friend, should always accompany a young _fiance_ on her
journeys to the various places of amusement and to the
watering-places.
Nothing is more vulgar in the eyes of our modern society than for
an engaged couple to travel together or to go to the theatre
unaccompanied, as was the primitive custom. This will, we know,
shock many Americans, and be called a "foolish following of
foreign fashions." But it is true; and, if it were only for the
"looks of the thing," it is more decent, more elegant, and more
correct for the young couple to be accompanied by a chaperon until
married. Society allows an engaged girl to drive with her _fianc_
in an open carriage, but it does not approve of his taking her in
a close carriage to an evening party.
There are non-resident chaperons who are most popular and most
useful. Thus, one mamma or elderly lady may chaperon a number of
young ladies to a dinner, or a drive on a coach, a sail down the
bay, or a ball at West Point. This lady looks after all her young
charges, and attends to their propriety and their happiness. She
is the guardian angel, for the moment, of their conduct. It is a
care which young men always admire and respect--this of a kind,
well-bred chaperon, who does not allow the youthful spirits of her
charges to run away with them.
The chaperon, if an intelligent woman, and with the sort of social
talent which a chaperon ought to have, is the best friend of a
family of shy girls. She brings them forward, and places them in a
position in which they can enjoy society; for there is a great
deal of tact required in a large city to make a retiring girl
enjoy herself. Society demands a certain amount of handling, which
only the social expert understands. To this the chaperon should be
equal. There are some women who have a social talent which is
simply Napoleonic. They manage it as a great general does his
_corps de bataille_.
Again, there are bad chaperons. A flirtatious married woman who is
thinking of herself only, and who takes young girls about merely
to enable herself to lead a gay life (and the world is full of
such women), is worse than no chaperon at all. She is not a
protection to the young lady, and she disgusts the honorable men
who would like to approach her charge. A very young chaperon, bent
on pleasure, who undertakes to make respectable the coaching
party, but who has no dignity of character to impress upon it, is
a very poor one. Many of the most flagrant violations of
propriety, in what is called the fashionable set, have arisen from
this choice of young chaperons, which is a mere begging of the
question, and no chaperonage at all.
Too much champagne is drunk, too late hours are kept, silly
stories are circulated, and appearances are disregarded by these
gay girls and their young chaperons; and yet they dislike very
much to see themselves afterwards held up to ridicule in the pages
of a magazine by an Englishman, whose every sentiment of
propriety, both educated and innate, has been shocked by their
conduct.
A young Frenchman who visited America a few years ago formed the
worst judgment of American women because he met one alone at an
artist's studio. He misinterpreted the profoundly sacred and
corrective influences of art. It had not occurred to the lady that
if she went to see a picture she would be suspected of wishing to
see the artist. Still, the fact that such a mistake could be made
should render ladies careful of even the appearance of evil.
A chaperon should in her turn remember that she must not open a
letter, She must not exercise an unwise surveillance. She must not
_suspect_ her charge. All that sort of Spanish _espionage_ is
always outwitted. The most successful chaperons are those who love
their young charges, respect them, try to be in every way what the
mother would have been. Of course, all relations of this sort are
open to many drawbacks on both sides, but it is not impossible
that it may be an agreeable relation, if both parties exercise a
little tact.
In selecting a chaperon for a young charge, let parents or
guardians be very particular as to the past history of the lady.
If she has ever been talked about, ever suffered the bad
reputation of flirt or coquette, do not think of placing her in
that position. Clubs have long memories, and the fate of more than
one young heiress has been imperilled by an injudicious choice of
a chaperon. If any woman should have a spotless record and
admirable character it should be the chaperon. It will tell
against her charge if she have not. Certain needy women who have
been ladies, and who precariously attach to society through their
families, are always seeking for some young heiress. These women
are very poor chaperons, and should be avoided.
This business of chaperonage is a point which demands attention on
the part of careless American mothers. No mother should be
oblivious of her duty in this respect. It does not imply that she
doubts her daughter's honor or truth, or that she thinks she needs
watching, but it is proper and respectable and necessary that she
should appear by her daughter's side in society. The world is full
of traps. It is impossible to be too careful of the reputation of
a young lady, and it improves the tone of society vastly if an
elegant and respectable woman of middle age accompanies every
young party. It goes far to silence the ceaseless clatter of
gossip; it is the antidote to scandal; it makes the air clearer;
and, above all, it improves the character, the manners, and
elevates the minds of the young people who are so happy as to
enjoy the society and to feel the authority of a cultivated, wise,
and good chaperon.