CARDS OF COMPLIMENT, COURTESY, CONDOLENCE, AND CONGRATULATION.
A distinguished lady of New York, on recovering from a severe
illness, issued a card which is a new departure. In admiring its
fitness and the need which has existed for just such a card, we
wonder that none of us have before invented something so compact
and stately, pleasing and proper--that her thought had not been
our thought. It reads thus, engraved in elegant script, plain and
modest: "Mrs. ____ presents her compliments and thanks for recent
kind inquiries." This card, sent in an envelope which bears the
family crest as a seal, reached all those who had left cards and
inquiries for a useful and eminent member of society, who lay for
weeks trembling between life and death.
This card is an attention to her large circle of anxious friends
which only a kind-hearted woman would have thought of, and yet the
thought was all; for after that the engraver and the secretary
could do the rest, showing what a labor-saving invention it is to
a busy woman who is not yet sufficiently strong to write notes to
all who had felt for her severe suffering. The first joy of
convalescence is of gratitude, and the second that we have created
an interest and compassion among our friends, and that we were not
alone as we struggled with disease. Therefore we may well
recommend that this card should become a fashion. It meets a
universal want.
This may be called one of the "cards of compliment"--a phase of
card-leaving to which we have hardly reached in this country. It
is even more, it is a heartfelt and friendly blossom of etiquette,
"just out," as we say of the apple-blossoms.
Now as to the use of it by the afflicted: why would it not be well
for persons who have lost a friend also to have such a card
engraved? "Mr. R____ begs to express his thanks for your kind
sympathy in his recent bereavement," etc. It would save a world of
letter-writing to a person who does not care to write letters, and
it would be a very pleasant token to receive when all other such
tokens are impossible. For people leave their cards on a mourner,
and never know whether they have been received or not.
Particularly is this true of apartment-houses; and when people
live in hotels, who knows whether the card ever reaches its
destination? We generally find that it has not done so, if we have
the courage to make the inquiry.
Those cards which we send by a servant to make the necessary
inquiries for a sick friend, for the happy mother and the new-born
baby, are essentially "cards of compliment." In excessively
ceremonious circles the visits of ceremony on these occasions are
very elaborate--as at the Court of Spain, for instance; and a lady
of New York was once much amused at receiving the card of a superb
Spanish official, who called on her newly arrived daughter when
the latter was three days old, leaving a card for the "new
daughter." He of course left a card for the happy mamma, and did
not ask to go farther than the door, but he came in state.
In England the "family" were wont to send christening cards after
a birth, but this has never been the fashion in this country, and
it is disappearing in England. The complimentary card issued for
such events is now generally an invitation to partake of caudle--a
very delicious porridge made of oatmeal and raisins, brandy,
spices, and sugar, and formally served in the lady's chamber
before the month's seclusion is broken. It will be remembered that
Tom Thumb was dropped into a bowl of fermity, which many
antiquarians suppose to have been caudle. Nowadays a caudle party
is a very gay, dressy affair, and given about six weeks after
young master or mistress is ready to be congratulated or condoled
with on his or her entrance upon this mundane sphere. We find in
English books of etiquette very formal directions as to these
cards of compliment. "Cards to inquire after friends during
illness must be left in person, and not sent by post. On a lady's
visiting-card must be written above the printed name, 'To
inquire,' and nothing else should be added to these words."
For the purpose of returning thanks, printed cards are sold, with
the owner's name written above the printed words. These printed
cards are generally sent by post, as they are despatched while the
person inquired after is still an invalid. These cards are also
used to convey the intelligence of the sender's recovery.
Therefore they would not be sent while the person was in danger or
seriously ill. But this has always seemed to us a very poor and.
business-like way of returning "kind inquiries." The printed card
looks cheap. Far better the engraved and carefully prepared card
of Mrs. ____, which has the effect of a personal compliment.
We do not in this country send those hideous funeral or memorial
cards which are sold in England at every stationer's to apprise
one's friends of a death in the family. There is no need of this,
as the newspapers spread the sad intelligence.
There is, however, a very elaborate paper called a "_faire part_,"
issued in both England and France after a death, in which the
mourner announces to you the lamented decease of some person
connected with him. Also on the occasion of a marriage, these
elaborate papers, engraved on a large sheet of letter-paper, are
sent to all one's acquaintances in England and on the Continent.
Visits of condolence can begin the week after the event which
occasions them. Personal visits are only made by relatives or very
intimate friends, who will of course be their own judges of the
propriety of speaking fully of the grief which has desolated the
house. The cards are left at the door by the person inquiring for
the afflicted persons, and one card is as good as half a dozen. It
is not necessary to deluge a mourning family with cards. These
cards need not be returned for a year, unless our suggestion be
followed, and the card engraved as we have indicated, and then
sent by post. It is not yet a fashion, but it is in the air, and
deserves to be one.
Cards of congratulation are left in person, and if the ladies are
at home the visitor should go in, and be hearty in his or her good
wishes. For such visits a card sent by post would, among intimate
friends, be considered cold-blooded. It must at least be left in
person.
Now as to cards of ceremony. These are to be forwarded to those
who have sent invitations to weddings, carefully addressed to the
person who invites you; also after an entertainment to which you
have been asked, within a week after a dinner (this must be a
personal visit), and on the lady's "day," if she has one; and we
may add here that if on making a call a lady sees that she is not
recognized, she should hasten to give her name. (This in answer to
many inquiries.) Only calls of pure ceremony are made by handing
in cards, as at a tea or general reception, etc. When cards have
been left once in the season they need not be left again.
Under the mixed heads of courtesy and compliment should be those
calls made to formally announce a betrothal. The parents leave the
cards of the betrothed pair, with their own, on all the
connections and friends of the two families. This is a formal
announcement, and all who receive this intimation should make a
congratulatory visit if possible.
As young people are often asked without their parents, the
question arises, What should the parents do to show their sense of
this attention? They should leave or send their cards with those
of their children who have received the invitation. These are
cards of courtesy. Cards ought not to be left on the daughters of
a family without also including the parents in courteous
formality. Gentlemen, when calling on any number of ladies, send
in only one card, and cards left on a reception day where a person
is visiting are not binding on the visitor to return. No separate
card is left on a guest on reception days.
When returning visits of ceremony, as the first visit after a
letter of introduction, or as announcing your arrival in town or
your intended departure, one may leave a card at the door without
inquiring for the lady.
Attention to these little things is a proof at once of
self-respect and of respect for one's friends. They soon become
easy matters of habit, and of memory. To the well-bred they are
second nature. No one who is desirous of pleasing in society
should neglect them.
A lady should never call on a gentleman unless professionally or
officially. She should knock at his door, send in her card, and be
as ceremonious as possible, if lawyer, doctor, or clergyman. On
entering a crowded drawing-room it may be impossible to find the
hostess at once, so that in many fine houses in New York the
custom of announcing the name has become a necessary fashion. It
is impossible to attempt to be polite without cultivating a good
memory. The absent or self-absorbed person who forgets names and
faces, who recalls unlucky topics, confuses relationships, speaks
of the dead as if they were living, or talks about an unlucky
adventure in the family, who plunges into personalities, who
metaphorically treads on a person's toes, will never succeed in
society. He must consider his "cards of courtesy."
The French talk of "_la politesse du foyer_." They are full of it.
Small sacrifices, little courtesies, a kindly spirit,
insignificant attentions, self-control, an allowance for the
failings of others--these go to make up the elegance of life. True
politeness has its roots very deep. We should not cultivate
politeness merely from a wish to please, but because we would
consider the feelings and spare the time of others. Cards of
compliment and courtesy, therefore, save time as well as express a
kindly remembrance. Everything in our busy world--or "whirl," as
some people call it--that does these two things is a valuable
discovery.
A card of courtesy is always sent with flowers, books,
bonbonnieres, game, sweetmeats, fruits--any of the small gifts
which are freely offered among intimate friends. But in
acknowledging these gifts or attentions a card is not a sufficient
return. Nor is it proper to write "regrets" or "accepts" on a
card. A note should be written in either case.
A card of any sort must be scrupulously plain. Wedding cards
should be as simple and unostentatious as possible.
The ceremony of paying visits and of leaving cards has been
decided by the satirist as meaningless, stupid, and useless; but
it underlies the very structure of society. Visits of form, visits
of ceremony, are absolutely necessary. You can hardly invite
people to your house until you have called and have left a card.
And thus one has a safeguard against intrusive and undesirable
acquaintances. To stop an acquaintance, one has but to stop
leaving cards. It is thus done quietly but securely.
Gentlemen who have no time to call should be represented by their
cards. These may well be trusted to the hands of wife, mother,
daughter, sister, but should be punctiliously left.
The card may well be noted as belonging only to a high order of
development. No monkey, no "missing link," no Zulu, no savage,
carries a card. It is the tool of civilization, its "field-mark
and device." It may be improved; it may be, and has been, abused;
but it cannot be dispensed with under our present environment.