THE ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS.
Scarcely a week passes during the year that the fashionable
journals do not publish "answers to correspondents" on that
subject of all others most interesting to young ladies, the
etiquette of weddings. No book can tell the plain truth with
sufficient emphasis, that the etiquette at a grand wedding is
always the same. The next day some one writes to a newspaper
again,
"Shall the bridegroom wear a dress-coat at the hour of eleven
A.M., and who pays for the wedding-cards?" The wedding of to-day
in England has "set the fashion" for America. No man ever puts on
a dress-coat before his seven-o'clock dinner, therefore every
bridegroom is dressed in a frock-coat and light trousers of any
pattern he pleases; in other words, he wears a formal morning
dress, drives to the church with his best man, and awaits the
arrival of the bride in the vestry-room. He may wear gloves or not
as he chooses. The best man is the intimate friend, sometimes the
brother, of the groom. He accompanies him to the church, as we
have said, follows him to the altar, stands at his right hand a
little behind him, and holds his hat during the marriage-service.
After that is ended he pays the clergyman's fee, accompanies, in a
coup by himself, the bridal party home, and then assists the
ushers to introduce friends to the bridal pair.
The bridegroom is allowed to make what presents he pleases to the
bride, and to send something in the nature of a fan, a locket, a
ring, or a bouquet to the bridesmaids; he has also to buy the
wedding-ring, and, of course, he sends a bouquet to the bride; but
he is not to furnish cards or carriages or the wedding-breakfast;
this is all done by the bride's family. In England the groom is
expected to drive the bride away in his own carriage, but in
America even that is not often allowed.
The bride meantime is dressed in gorgeous array, generally in
white satin, with veil of point-lace and orange blossoms, and is
driven to the church in a carriage with her father, who gives her
away. Her mother and other relatives having preceded her take the
front seats. Her bridesmaids should also precede her, and await
her in the chancel of the church.
The ushers then proceed to form the procession with which almost
all city weddings are begun. The ushers first, two and two; then
the bridesmaids, two and two; then some pretty
children--bridesmaids under ten; and then the bride, leaning on
her father's right arm. Sometimes the child bridesmaids precede
the others. As the cortege reaches the lowest altar-step the
ushers break ranks and go to the right and left; the bridesmaids
also separate, going to the right and left, leaving a space for
the bridal pair. As the bride reaches the lowest step the
bridegroom advances, takes her by her right hand, and conducts her
to the altar, where they both kneel. The clergyman, being already
in his place, signifies to them when to rise, and then proceeds to
make the twain one.
The bridal pair walk down the aisle arm-in-arm, and are
immediately conducted to the carriage and driven home; the rest
follow. In some cases, but rarely in this country, a bridal
register is signed in the vestry.
Formerly brides removed the whole glove; now they adroitly cut the
finger of the left-hand glove, so that they can remove that
without pulling off the whole glove for the ring. Such is a church
wedding, performed a thousand times alike. The organ peals forth
the wedding-march, the clergyman pronounces the necessary vows to
slow music, or not, as the contracting parties please. Music,
however, adds very much to this ceremony. In a marriage at home,
the bridesmaids and best man are usually dispensed with. The
clergyman enters and faces the company, the bridal pair follow and
face him. After the ceremony the clergyman retires, and the wedded
pair receive congratulations.
An attempt has been made in America to introduce the English
fashion of a wedding-breakfast. It is not as yet acclimated, but
it is, perhaps, well to describe here the proper etiquette. The
gentlemen and ladies who are asked to this breakfast should be
apprised of that honor a fortnight in advance, and should accept
or decline immediately, as it has all the formality of a dinner,
and seats are, of course, very important. On arriving at the house
where the breakfast is to be held, the gentlemen leave their hats
in the hall, but ladies do not remove their bonnets. After
greeting the bride and bridegroom, and the father and mother, the
company converse for a few moments until breakfast is announced.
Then the bride and groom go first, followed by the bride's father
with the groom's mother, then the groom's father with the bride's
mother, then the best man with the first bridesmaid, then the
bridesmaids with attendant gentlemen, who have been invited for
this honor, and then the other invited guests, as the bride's
mother has arranged. Coffee and tea are not offered, but bouillon,
salads, birds, oysters, and other hot and cold dishes, ices,
jellies, etc., are served at this breakfast, together with
champagne and other wines, and finally the wedding-cake is set
before the bride, and she cuts a slice.
The health of the bride and groom is then proposed by the
gentleman chosen for this office, generally the father of the
groom, and responded to by the father of the bride. The groom is
sometimes expected to respond, and he proposes the health of the
bridesmaids, for which the best man returns thanks. Unless all are
unusually happy speakers, this is apt to be awkward, and
"stand-up" breakfasts are far more commonly served, as the French
say, _en buffet_. In the first place, the possibility of asking
more people commends this latter practice, and it is far less
trouble to serve a large, easy collation to a number of people
standing about than to furnish what is really a dinner to a number
sitting down.
Wedding presents are sent any time within two months before the
wedding, the earlier the better, as many brides like to arrange
their own tables artistically, if the presents are shown. Also,
all brides should write a personal note thanking each giver for
his gift, be it large or small.
All persons who send gifts should be invited to the wedding and to
the reception, although the converse of this proposition does not
hold true; for not all who are asked to the wedding are expected
to send gifts.
Wedding presents have now become almost absurdly gorgeous. The old
fashion, which was started among the frugal Dutch, of giving the
young couple their household gear and a sum of money with which to
begin, has now degenerated into a very bold display of wealth and
ostentatious generosity, so that friends of moderate means are
afraid to send anything. Even the cushion on which a wealthy bride
in New York was lately expected to kneel was so elaborately
embroidered with pearls that she visibly hesitated to press it
with her knee at the altar. Silver and gold services, too precious
to be trusted to ordinary lock and key, are displayed at the
wedding and immediately sent off to some convenient safe. This is
one of the necessary and inevitable overgrowths of a luxury which
we have not yet learned to manage. In France they do things
better, those nearest of kin subscribing a sum of money, which is
sent to the bride's mother, who expends it in the bridal
trousseau, or in jewels or silver, as the bride pleases.
So far has this custom transcended good taste that now many
persons of refined minds hesitate to show the presents.
After giving an hour and a half to her guests, the bride retires
to change her dress; generally her most intimate friends accompany
her. She soon returns in her travelling-dress, and is met at the
foot of the stairs by the groom, who has also changed his dress.
The father, mother, and intimate friends kiss the bride, and, as
the happy pair drive off, a shower of satin slippers and rice
follows them. If one slipper alights on the top of the carriage,
luck is assured to them forever.
Wedding-cake is no longer sent about. It is neatly packed in
boxes; each guest takes one, if she likes, as she leaves the
house.
Wedding-favors made of white ribbon and artificial flowers are
indispensable in England, but America has had the good taste to
abjure them until lately. Such ornaments are used for the horses'
ears and the servants' coats in this country. Here the groom wears
a _boutonniere_ of natural flowers.
A widow should never be accompanied by bridesmaids, or wear a veil
or orange-blossoms at her marriage. She should at church wear a
colored silk and a bonnet. She should be attended by her father,
brother, or some near friend.
It is proper for her to remove her first wedding-ring, as the
wearing of that cannot but be painful to the bridegroom.
If married at home, the widow bride may wear a light silk and be
bonnetless, but she should not indulge in any of the signs of
first bridal.
It is an exploded idea that of allowing every one to kiss the
bride. It is only meet that the near relatives do that.
The formula for wedding-cards is generally this:
Mr. and Mrs. Brown
request the pleasure of your company
at the wedding of their daughter Maria to John Stanley,
at Ascension Church,
on Tuesday, November fifteenth,
at two o'clock.
These invitations are engraved on note-paper.
If friends are invited to a wedding-breakfast or a reception at
the house, that fact is stated on a separate card, which is
enclosed in the same envelope.
Of course in great cities, with a large acquaintance, many are
asked to the church and not to the house. This fact should never
give offence.
The smaller card runs in this fashion:
Reception at
99 B Street, at half-past two.
To these invitations the invited guests make no response save to
go or to leave cards. All invited guests, however, are expected to
call on the young couple and to invite them during the year.
Of course there are quieter weddings and very simple arrangements
as to serving refreshments: a wedding-cake and a decanter of
sherry often are alone offered to the witnesses of a wedding.
Many brides prefer to be married in travelling-dress and hat, and
leave immediately, without congratulations.
The honey-moon in our busy land is usually only a fortnight in the
sky, and some few bridal pairs prefer to spend it at the quiet
country house of a friend, as is the English fashion. But others
make a hurried trip to Niagara, or to the Thousand Islands, or go
to Europe, as the case may be. It is extraordinary that none stay
at home; in beginning a new life all agree that a change of place
is the first requisite.
After the return home, bridal dinners and parties are offered to
the bride, and she is treated with distinction for three months.
Her path is often strewed with flowers from the church to her own
door, and it is, metaphorically, so adorned during the first few
weeks of married life. Every one hastens to welcome her to her new
condition, and she has but to smile and accept the amiable
congratulations and attentions which are showered upon her. Let
her parents remember, however, in sending cards after the wedding,
to let the bride's friends know where she can be found in her
married estate.
Now as to the time for the marriage. There is something
exquisitely poetical in the idea of a June wedding. It is the very
month for the softer emotions and for the wedding journey. In
England it is the favorite month for marriages. May is considered
unlucky, and in an old almanac of 1678 we find the following
notice: "Times prohibiting marriage: Marriage comes in on the 13th
day of January and at Septuagesima Sunday; it is out again until
Low Sunday, at which time it comes in again and goes not out until
Rogation Sunday. Thence it is forbidden until Trinity Sunday, from
whence it is unforbidden until Advent Sunday; but then it goes out
and comes not in again until the 18th of January next following."
Our brides have, however, all seasons for their own, excepting
May, as we have said, and Friday, an unlucky day. The month of
roses has very great recommendations. The ceremony is apt to be
performed in the country at a pretty little church, which lends
its altar-rails gracefully to wreaths, and whose Gothic windows
open upon green lawns and trim gardens. The bride and her maids
can walk over the delicate sward without soiling their slippers,
and an opportunity offers for carrying parasols made entirely of
flowers. But if it is too far to walk, the bride is driven to
church in her father's carriage with him alone, her mother,
sisters, and bridesmaids having preceded her. In England etiquette
requires that the bride and groom should depart from the church in
the groom's carriage. It is strict etiquette there that the groom
furnish the carriage with which they return to the
wedding-breakfast and afterwards depart in state, with many
wedding-favors on the horses' heads, and huge white bouquets on
the breasts of coachman and footman.
It is in England, also, etiquette to drive with four horses to the
place where the honey-moon is to be spent; but in America the
drive is generally to the nearest railway-station.
Let us give a further sketch of the duties of the best man. He
accompanies the groom to the church and stands near him, waiting
at the altar, until the bride arrives; then he holds the groom's
hat. He signs the register afterwards as witness, and pays the
clergyman's fee, and then follows the bridal procession out of the
church, joining the party at the house, where he still further
assists the groom by presenting the guests. The bridesmaids
sometimes form a line near the door at a June wedding, allowing
the bride to walk through this pretty alley-way to the church.
The bridegroom's relatives sit at the right of the altar or
communion rails, thus being on the bridegroom's right hand, and
those of the bride sit on the left, at the bride's left hand. The
bridegroom and best man stand on the clergyman's left hand at the
altar. The bride is taken by her right hand by the groom, and of
course stands on his left hand; her father stands a little behind
her. Sometimes the female relatives stand in the chancel with the
bridal group, but this, can only happen in a very large church;
and the rector must arrange this, as in high churches the
marriages take place outside the chancel.
After the ceremony is over the clergyman bends over and
congratulates the young people. The bride then takes the left arm
of the groom, and passes down the aisle, followed by her
bridesmaids and the ushers.
Some of our correspondents have no good asked us what the best man
is doing at this moment? Probably waiting in the vestry, or, if
not, he hurries down a side aisle, gets into a carriage, and
drives to the house where the wedding reception is to be held.
October is a good month for both city and country weddings. In our
climate, the brilliant October days, not too warm, are admirable
for the city guests, who are invited to a country place for the
wedding, and certainly it is a pleasant season for the wedding
journey. Travelling costumes for brides in England are very
elegant, even showy. Velvet, and even light silks and satins, are
used; but in our country plain cloth and cashmere costumes are
more proper and more fashionable.
For weddings in families where a death has recently occurred, all
friends, even the widowed mother, should lay aside their mourning
for the ceremony, appearing in colors. It is considered unlucky
and inappropriate to wear black at a wedding. In our country a
widowed mother appears at her daughter's wedding in purple velvet
or silk; in England she wears deep cardinal red, which is
considered, under these circumstances, to be mourning, or proper
for a person who is in mourning.
We should add that ushers and groomsmen are unknown at an English
wedding. The sexton of the church performs the functions which are
attended to here by ushers.
Note.--The young people who are about to be married make a list
together as to whom cards should be sent, and all cards go from
the young lady's family. No one thinks it strange to get cards for
a wedding. A young lady should write a note of thanks to every one
who sends her a present before she leaves home; all her husband's
friends, relatives, etc., all her own, and to people whom she does
not know these notes should especially be written, as their gifts
may be prompted by a sense of kindness to her parents or her
_fianc_, which she should recognize. It is better taste to write
these notes on note-paper than on cards. It is not necessary to
send cards to each member of a family; include them all under the
head of "Mr. and Mrs. Brown and family." It would be proper for a
young lady to send her cards to a physician under whose care she
has been if she was acquainted with him socially, but it is not
expected when the acquaintance is purely professional. A
fashionable and popular physician would be swamped with
wedding-cards if that were the custom. If, however, one wishes to
show gratitude and remembrance, there would be no impropriety in
sending cards to such a gentleman.