INVITATIONS, ACCEPTANCES, AND REGRETS.
The engraving of invitation-cards has become the important
function of more than one enterprising firm in every city, so that
it seems unnecessary to say more than that the most plain and
simple style of engraving the necessary words is all that is
requisite.
The English ambassador at Rome has a plain, stiff, unglazed card
of a large size, on which is engraved,
Sir Augustus and Lady Paget
request the pleasure of ______ company
on Thursday evening, November fifteenth, at ten o'clock.
The favor of an answer is requested.
The lady of the house writes the name of the invited guest in the
blank space left before the word "company." Many entertainers in
America keep these blanks, or half-engraved invitations, always on
hand, and thus save themselves the trouble of writing the whole
card.
Sometimes, however, ladies prefer to write their own dinner
invitations. The formula should always be,
Mr. and Mrs. Henry Brown
request the pleasure of
Mr. and Mrs. Jones's company at dinner.
November fifteenth, at seven o'clock,
132 Blank St. West.
These invitations should be immediately answered, and with a
peremptory acceptance or a regret. Never enter into any discussion
or prevision with a dinner invitation. Never write, saying "you
will come if you do not have to leave town," or that you will "try
to come," or, if you are a married pair, that you will "one of you
come." Your hostess wants to know exactly who is coming and who
isn't, that she may arrange her table accordingly. Simply say,
Mr. and Mrs. James Jones
accept with pleasure the polite invitation of
Mr. and Mrs. Henry Brown for dinner
on November fifteenth,
at seven o'clock.
Or if it is written in the first person, accept in the same
informal manner, but quickly and decisively.
After having accepted a dinner invitation, if illness or any other
cause interfere with your going to the dinner, send all immediate
note to your hostess, that she may fill your place. Never
selfishly keep the place open for yourself if there is a doubt
about your going. It has often made or marred the pleasure of a
dinner-party, this hesitancy on the part of a guest to send in
time to her hostess her regrets, caused by the illness of her
child, or the coming on of a cold, or a death in the family, or
any other calamity. Remember always that a dinner is a most formal
affair, that it is the highest social compliment, that its happy
fulfilment is of the greatest importance to the hostess, and that
it must be met in the same formal spirit. It precludes, on her
part, the necessity of having to make a first call if she be the
older resident, although she generally calls first. Some young
neophytes in society, having been asked to a dinner where the
elderly lady who gave it had forgotten to enclose her card, asked
if they should call afterwards. Of course they were bound to do
so, although their hostess should have called or enclosed her
card. However, one invitation to dinner is better than many cards
as a social compliment.
We have been asked by many, "To whom should the answer to an
invitation be addressed?" If Mr. and Mrs. Brown invite you, answer
Mr. and Mrs. Brown. If Mrs. John Jones asks you to a wedding,
answer Mrs. John Jones. Another of our correspondents asks, "Shall
I respond to the lady of the house or to the bride if asked to a
wedding?" This seems so impossible a confusion that we should not
think of mentioning so self-evident a fact had not the doubt
arisen. One has nothing to say to the bride in answering such an
invitation; the answer is to be sent to the hostess, who writes.
Always carefully observe the formula of your invitation, and
answer it exactly. As to the card of the English ambassador, a
gentleman should write: "Mr. Algernon Gracie will do himself the
honor to accept the invitation of Sir Augustus and Lady Paget." In
America he would be a trifle less formal, saying, "Mr. Algernon
Gracie will have much pleasure in accepting the polite invitation
of Mr. and Mrs. Henry Brown." We notice that on all English cards
the "R.S.V.P." is omitted, and that a plain line of English script
is engraved, saying, "The favor of an answer is requested."
In this country the invitations to a dinner are always in the name
of both host and hostess, but invitations to a ball, "at home," a
tea, or garden-party, are in the name of the hostess alone. At a
wedding the names of both host and hostess are given. And if a
father entertains for his daughters, he being a widower, his name
appears alone for her wedding; but if his eldest daughter presides
over his household, his and her name appear together for dinners,
receptions, and "at homes." Many widowed fathers, however, omit
the names of their daughters on the invitation. A young lady at
the head of her father's house may, if she is no longer very
young, issue her own cards for a tea. It is never proper for very
young ladies to invite gentlemen in their own name to visit at the
house, call on them, or to come to dinner. The invitation must
come from the father, mother, or chaperon.
At the Assembly, Patriarchs', Charity ball, or any public affair,
the word "ball" is used, but no lady invites you to a "ball" at
her own house. The words "At Home," with "Cotillion" or "Dancing"
in one corner, and the hour and date, alone are necessary. If it
is to be a small, informal dance, the word "Informal" should be
engraved in one corner. Officers of the army and navy giving a
ball, members of the hunt, bachelors, members of a club, heads of
committees, always "request the pleasure," or, "the honor of your
company." It is not proper for a gentleman to describe himself as
"at home;" he must "request the pleasure." A rich bachelor of
Utopia who gave many entertainments made this mistake, and sent a
card--"Mr. Horatio Brown. At Home. Tuesday, November fourteenth.
Tea at four"--to a lady who had been an ambassadress. She
immediately replied: "Mrs. Rousby is very glad to hear that Mr.
Horatio Brown is at home--she hopes that he will stay there; but
of what possible consequence is that to Mrs. Rousby?" This was a
piece of rough wit, but it told the young man of his mistake.
Another card, issued with the singular formula, "Mrs. Ferguson
hopes to see Mrs. Rousby at the church," on the occasion of the
wedding of a daughter, brought forth the rebuke, "Nothing is so
deceitful as human hope," The phrase is an improper one. Mrs.
Ferguson should have "requested the pleasure."
In asking for an invitation to a ball for friends, ladies must be
cautious not to intrude too far, or to feel offended if refused.
Often a hostess has a larger list than she can fill, and she is
not able to ask all whom she would wish to invite. Therefore a
very great discretion is to be observed on the part of those who
ask a favor. A lady may always request an invitation for
distinguished strangers, or for a young dancing man if she can
answer for him in every way, but rarely for a married couple, and
almost never for a couple living in the same city, unless newly
arrived.
Invitations to evening or day receptions are generally "at home"
cards. A lady may use her own visiting cards for five-o'clock tea.
For other entertainments, "Music," "Lawn-tennis," "Garden-party,"
"Readings and Recitals," may be engraved in one corner, or written
in by the lady herself.
As for wedding invitations, they are almost invariably sent out by
the parents of the bride, engraved in small script on note-paper.
The style can always be obtained of a fashionable engraver. They
should be sent out a fortnight before the wedding-day, and are not
to be answered unless the guests are requested to attend a
"sit-down" breakfast, when the answer must be as explicit as to a
dinner. Those who cannot attend the wedding send or leave their
visiting-cards either on the day of the wedding or soon after.
Invitations to a luncheon are generally written by the hostess on
note-paper, and should be rather informal, as luncheon is an
informal meal. However, nowadays ladies' luncheons have become
such grand, consequential, and expensive affairs, that invitations
are engraved and sent out a fortnight in advance, and answered
immediately. There is the same etiquette as at dinner observed at
these formal luncheons. There is such a thing, however, as a
"stand-up" luncheon--a sort of reception with banquet, from which
one could absent one's self without being missed.
Punctuality in keeping all engagements is a feature of a well-bred
character, in society as well as in business, and it cannot be too
thoroughly insisted upon.
In sending a "regret" be particular to word your note most
respectfully. Never write the word "regrets" on your card unless
you wish to insult your hostess. Send a card without any
pencilling upon it, or write a note, thus: "Mrs. Brown regrets
that a previous engagement will deprive her of the pleasure of
accepting the polite invitation of Mrs. Jones."
No one should, in the matter of accepting or refusing an
invitation, economize his politeness. It is better to err on the
other side. Your friend has done his best in inviting you.
The question is often asked us, "Should invitations be sent to
people in mourning?" Of course they should. No one would knowingly
intrude on a house in which there is or has been death within a
month; but after that, although it is an idle compliment, it is
one which must be paid; it is a part of the machinery of society.
As invitations are now directed by the hundreds by hired
amanuenses, a lady should carefully revise her list, in order that
no names of persons deceased may be written on her cards; but the
members of the family who remain, and who have suffered a loss,
should be carefully remembered, and should not be pained by seeing
the name of one who has departed included in the invitations or
wedding-cards. People in deep mourning are not invited to dinners
or luncheons, but for weddings and large entertainments cards are
sent as a token of remembrance and compliment. After a year of
mourning the bereaved family should send out cards with a narrow
black edge to all who have remembered them.
Let it be understood that in all countries a card sent by a
private hand in an envelope is equivalent to a visit. In England
one sent by post is equivalent to a visit, excepting after a
dinner. Nothing is pencilled on a card sent by post, except the
three letters "P.P.C." No such words as "accepts," "declines,"
"regrets" should be written on a card. As much ill-will is
engendered in New York by the loss of cards for large receptions
and the like, some of which the messenger-boys fling into the
gutter, it is a thousand pities that we cannot agree to send all
invitations by mail. People always get letters that are sent by
post, particularly those which they could do without. Why should
they not get their more interesting letters that contain
invitations? It is considered thoroughly respectful in England,
and as our people are fond of copying that stately etiquette, why
should they not follow this sensible part of it?
It is in every sense as complimentary to send a letter by the post
as by the dirty fingers of a hired messenger. Very few people in
this country can afford to send by their own servants, who, again,
rarely find the right address.