VISITING.
No term admits of a wider interpretation than this; no subject is
capable of a greater number of subdivisions. The matter of formal
visiting has led to the writing of innumerable books. The decay of
social visiting is a cause of regret to all the old-fashioned
people who remember how agreeable it was; but our cities have
grown too large for it, and in our villages the population changes
too quickly. The constant effort to make the two systems shake
hands, to add cordiality to formality, and to provide for all the
forced conditions of a rapidly growing and constantly changing
society, these are but a few of the difficulties attending this
subject.
The original plan of an acquaintance in a formal city circle was
to call once or twice a year on all one's friends personally, with
the hope and the remote expectation of finding two or three at
home. When society was smaller in New York, this was possible, but
it soon grew to be impossible, as in all large cities. This
finally led to the establishment of a reception day which held
good all winter. That became impossible and tiresome, and was
narrowed down to four Tuesdays, perhaps, in one month; that
resolved itself into one or two five-o'clock teas; and then again,
if a lady got lame or lazy or luxurious, even the last easy method
of receiving her friends became too onerous, and cards were left
or sent in an envelope.
Now, according to the strict rules of etiquette, one card a year
left at the door, or one sent in an envelope, continues the
acquaintance. We can never know what sudden pressure of calamity,
what stringent need of economy, what exigencies of work, may
prompt a lady to give up her visiting for a season. Even when
there is no apparent cause, society must ask no questions, but
must acquiesce in the most good-natured view of the subject.
Still, there must be uniformity. We are not pleased to receive
Mrs. Brown's card by post, and then to meet her making a personal
visit to our next neighbor. We all wish to receive our personal
visits, and if a lady cannot call on all her formal acquaintances
once, she had better call on none.
If she gives one reception a year and invites all her "list," she
is then at liberty to refrain from either calling or sending a
card, unless she is asked to a wedding or dinner, a ladies' lunch
or a christening, or receives some very particular invitation
which she must return by an early personal call--the very formal
and the punctilious say within a week, but that is often
impossible.
And if a lady have a day, the call should be made on that day; it
is rude to ignore the intimation. One should try to call on a
reception day. But here in a crowded city another complication
comes in. If a lady have four Thursdays in January and several
other ladies have Thursdays, it may be impossible to reach all
those ladies on their reception day. There is nothing for it,
then, but to good-naturedly apologize, and to regret that calling
hours are now reduced to between four and six in large cities.
Some people have too many acquaintances. If they hope to do
anything in the world but drive about and leave cards, they must
exonerate themselves from blame by giving a reception, having a
day or an evening for receiving, and then trust to the good-nature
of society, or its forgetfulness, which is about the same thing,
to excuse them.
Happy those ladies who can give up an evening a week to their
friends; that rubs out the score on the social slate, besides
giving a number of people a chance to spend a very agreeable hour
in that society which gathers around a hospitable lamp.
The danger of this kind of hospitality is that it is abused by
bores, who are too apt to congregate in numbers, and to wear out
the lady of the house by using her parlor as a spot where they are
safe from the rain and cold and free to bestow their tediousness
on anybody, herself included. Then a lady after committing herself
to a reception evening often wishes to go out herself. It requires
unselfishness to give up an evening to that large circle, some of
whom forget it, some go elsewhere, some come too often, and
sometimes, alas! no on e calls. These are the drawbacks of an
"evening at home." However, it is a laudable custom; one could
wish it were more common.
No one can forget the eloquent thanks of such men as Horace
Walpole, and other persons of distinction, to the Misses Berry, in
London, who kept up their evening receptions for sixty years. But,
from the trials of those who have too much visiting, we turn to
the people who have all the means and appliances of visiting and
no one to visit.
The young married woman who comes to New York, or any other large
city, often passes years of loneliness before she has made her
acquaintances. She is properly introduced, we will say by her
mother-in-law or some other friend, and then, after a round of
visits in which she has but, perhaps, imperfectly apprehended the
positions and names of her new acquaintances, she has a long
illness, or she is called into mourning, or the cares of the
nursery surround her, and she is shut out from society until it
has forgotten her; and when she is ready to emerge, it is
difficult for her to find her place again in the visiting-book. If
she is energetic and clever, she surmounts this difficulty by
giving a series of receptions, or engaging in charities, or
working on some committee, making herself of use to society in
some way; and thus picks up her dropped stitches. But some young
women are without the courage and tact to do this thing; they
wait, expecting that society will find them out, and, taking them
up, will do all the work and leave them to accept or refuse
civilities as they please. Society never does this; it has too
much on its hands; a few conspicuously beautiful and gifted people
may occasionally receive such an ovation, but it is not for the
rank and file.
Every young woman should try to make at least one personal visit
to those who are older than herself, and she should show charity
towards those who do not return this visit immediately. Of course,
she has a right to be piqued if her visit be persistently ignored;
and she should not press herself upon a cold or indifferent
acquaintance, but she should be slow to wrath; and if she is once
invited to the older lady's house, it is worth a dozen calls so
far as the intention of civility is concerned.
It is proper to call in person, or to leave a card, after an
acquaintance has lost a relative, after an engagement is
announced, after a marriage has taken place, after a return from
Europe, and of course after an invitation has been extended; but,
as society grows larger and larger, the first four visits may be
omitted, and cards sent if it is impossible to pay the visits
personally. Most ladies in large cities are invisible except on
their days; in this way alone can they hope to have any time for
their own individual tastes, be these what they may--china
painting, authorship, embroidery, or music. So the formal visiting
gets to be a mere matter of card-leaving; and the witty author who
suggested that there should be a "clearing-house for cards," and
who hailed the Casino at Newport as a good institution for the
same, was not without genius. One hates to lose time in this world
while greasing the machinery, and the formal, perfunctory
card-leaving is little else.
Could we all have abundant leisure and be sure to find our friends
at home, what more agreeable business than visiting? To wander
from one pleasant interior to another, to talk a little harmless
gossip, to hear the last _mot_, the best piece of news, to see
one's friends, their children, and the stranger within their
gates--all this is charming; it is the Utopia of society; it would
be the apotheosis of visiting--if there were such a thing!
Unfortunately, it is impossible. There may be here and there a
person of such exalted leisure that he can keep his accounts to
society marked in one of those purple satin manuals stamped
"Visites," and make the proper marks every day under the heads of
"address," "received," "returned visits," and "reception days,"
but he is a _rara avis_.
Certain rules are, however, immutable. A first call from a new
acquaintance should be speedily returned. These are formal calls,
and should be made in person between the hours of four and six in
New York and other large cities. Every town has its own hours for
receiving, however. When calling for the first time on several
ladies not mother and daughters in one family, a card should be
left on each. In the first call of the season, a lady leaves her
own card and those of her husband, sons, and daughters.
A lady has a right to leave her card without asking for the lady
of the house if it is not her day, or if there is any reason--such
as bad weather, pressure of engagements, or the like--which
renders time an important matter.
If ladies are receiving, and she is admitted, the visitor should
leave her husband's cards for the gentlemen of the family on the
hall table. Strangers staying in town who wish to be called upon
should send their cards by post, with address attached, to those
whom they would like to see. There is no necessity of calling
after a tea or general reception if one has attended the
festivity, or has left or sent a card on that day.
For reception days a lady wears a plain, dark, rich dress, taking
care, however, never to be overdressed at home. She rises when her
visitors enter, and is careful to seat her friends so that she can
have a word with each. If this is impossible, she keeps her eye on
the recent arrivals to be sure to speak to every one. She is to be
forgiven if she pays more attention to the aged, to some
distinguished stranger, or to some one who has the still higher
claim of misfortune, or to one of a modest and shrinking
temperament, than to one young, gay, fashionable, and rich. If she
neglects these fortunate visitors they will not feel it; if she
bows low to them and neglects the others, she betrays that she is
a snob. If a lady is not sure that she is known by name to her
hostess, she should not fail to pronounce her own name. Many
ladies send their cards to the young brides who have come into a
friend's family, and yet who are without personal acquaintance.
Many, alas! forget faces, so that a name quickly pronounced is a
help. In the event of an exchange of calls between two ladies who
have never met (and this has gone on for years in New York,
sometimes until death has removed one forever), they should take
an early opportunity of speaking to each other at some friend's
house; the younger should approach the elder and introduce
herself; it is always regarded as a kindness; or the one who has
received the first attention should be the first to speak.
It is well always to leave a card in the hall even if one is
received, as it assists the lady's memory in her attempts to
return these civilities. Cards of condolence must be returned by a
mourning-card sent in an envelope at such reasonable time after
the death of a relative as one can determine again to take up the
business of society. When the separate card of a lady is left,
with her reception day printed in one corner, two cards of her
husband should be left, one for the lady, the other for the
master, of the house; but after the first call of the season, it
is not necessary to leave the husband's card, except after a
dinner invitation. It is a convenience, although not a universal
custom, to have the joint names of husband and wife, as "Dr. and
Mrs. J. B. Watson," printed on one card, to use as a card of
condolence or congratulation, but not as a visiting-card. These
cards are used as "P. P. C." cards, and can be sent in an envelope
by post. Society is rapidly getting over its prejudice against
sending cards by post. In Europe it is always done, and it is much
safer. Etiquette and hospitality have been reduced to a system in
the Old World. It would be much more convenient could we do that
here. Ceremonious visiting is the machinery by which an
acquaintance is kept up in a circle too large for social visiting;
but every lady should try to make one or two informal calls each
winter on intimate friends. These calls can be made in the morning
in the plainest walking-dress, and are certainly the most
agreeable and flattering of all visits.