ON INTRODUCING PEOPLE.
A lady in her own house can in these United States do pretty much
as she pleases, but there is one thing in which our cultivated and
exclusive city fashionable society seems agreed, and that is, that
she must not introduce two ladies who reside in the same town. It
is an awkward and an embarrassing restriction, particularly as the
other rule, which renders it easy enough--the English rule--that
the "roof is an introduction," and that visitors can converse
without further notice, is not understood. So awkward, however,
are Americans about this, that even in very good houses one lady
has spoken to another, perhaps to a young girl, and has received
no answer, "because she had not been introduced;" but this state
of ignorance is, fortunately, not very common. It should be met by
the surprised rejoinder of the Hoosier school-mistress: "Don't yer
know enough to speak when yer spoken to?" Let every woman
remember, whether she is from the backwoods, or from the most
fashionable city house, that no such casual conversation can hurt
her. It does not involve the further acquaintance of these two
persons. They may cease to know each other when they go down the
front steps; and it would be kinder if they would both relieve the
lady of the house of their joint entertainment by joining in the
conversation, or even speaking to each other.
A hostess in this land is sometimes young, embarrassed, and not
fluent. The presence of two ladies with whom she is not very well
acquainted herself, and both of whom she must entertain, presents
a fearful dilemma. It is a kindness to her, which should outweigh
the dangers of making an acquaintance in "another set," if those
ladies converse a little with each other.
If one lady desires to be introduced to another, the hostess
should ask if she may do so, of course unobtrusively. Sometimes
this places one lady in an unlucky position towards another. She
does not know exactly what to do. Mrs. So-and-so may have the gift
of exclusiveness, and may desire that Mrs. That-and-that shall not
have the privilege of bowing to her. Gurowski says, in his very
clever book on America, that snobbishness is a peculiarity of the
fashionable set in America, because they do not know where they
stand. It is the peculiarity of vulgar people everywhere, whether
they sit on thrones or keep liquor-shops; snobs are born--not
made. If, ever, a lady has this gift or this drawback of
exclusiveness, it is wrong to invade her privacy by introducing
people to her.
Introducing should not be indiscriminately done either at home or
in society by any lady, however kind-hearted. Her own position
must be maintained, and that may demand a certain loyalty to her
own set. She must be careful how she lets loose on society an
undesirable or aggressive man, for instance, or a great bore, or a
vulgar, irritating woman. These will all be social obstacles to
the young ladies of her family, whom she must first consider. She
must not add to the embarrassments of a lady who has already too
large a visiting list. Unsolicited introductions are bad for both
parties. Some large-hearted women of society are too generous by
half in this way. A lady should by adroit questions find out how a
new acquaintance would be received, whether or not it is the
desire of both parties to know each other; for, if there is the
slightest doubt existing on this point, she will be blamed by
both. It is often the good-natured desire of a sympathetic person
that the people whom she knows well should know each other. She
therefore strives to bring them together at lunch or dinner, but
perhaps finds out afterwards that one of the ladies has particular
objections to knowing the other, and she is not thanked. The
disaffected lady shows her displeasure by being impolite to the
pushing lady, as she may consider her. Had no introduction taken
place, she argues, she might have Still enjoyed a reputation for
politeness. Wary women of the world are therefore very shy of
introducing two women to each other.
This is the awkward side. The more agreeable and, we may say,
humane side has its thousands and thousands of supporters, who
believe that a friendly introduction hurts no one; but we are now
not talking of kindness, but of etiquette, which is decidedly
opposed to indiscriminate introductions.
Society is such a complicated organization, and its laws are so
lamentably unwritten, yet so deeply engraved on certain minds,
that these things become important to those who are always winding
and unwinding the chains of fashion.
It is therefore well to state it as a received rule that no
gentleman should ever be introduced to a lady unless her
permission has been asked, and she be given an opportunity to
refuse; and that no woman should be introduced formally to another
woman unless the introducer has consulted the wishes of both
women. No delicate-minded person would ever intrude herself upon
the notice of a person to whom she had been casually introduced in
a friend's drawing-room; but all the world, unfortunately, is not
made up of delicate-minded persons.
In making an introduction, the gentleman is presented to the lady
with some such informal speech as this: "Mrs. A, allow me to
present Mr. B;" or, "Mrs. A, Mr. B desires the honor of knowing
you." In introducing two women, present the younger to the older
woman, the question of rank not holding good in our society where
the position of the husband, be he judge, general, senator, or
president even, does not give his wife fashionable position. She
may be of far less importance in the great world of society than
some Mrs. Smith, who, having nothing else, is set down as of the
highest rank in that unpublished but well-known book of heraldry
which is so thoroughly understood in America as a tradition. It is
the proper thing for a gentleman to ask a mutual friend or an
acquaintance to introduce him to a lady, and there are few
occasions when this request is refused. In our crowded ballrooms,
chaperons often ask young men if they will be introduced to their
charges. It is better before asking the young men of this present
luxurious age, if they will not only be introduced, but if they
propose to dance, with the young lady, else that young person may
be mortified by a snub. It is painful to record, as we must, that
the age of chivalry is past, and that at a gay ball young men
appear as supremely selfish, and desire generally only
introductions to the reigning belle, or to an heiress, not
deigning to look at the humble wall-flower, who is neither, but
whose womanhood should command respect. Ballroom introductions are
supposed to mean, on the part of the gentleman, either an
intention to dance with the young lady, to walk with her, or to
talk to her through one dance, or to show her some attention.
Men scarcely ever ask to be introduced to each other, but if a
lady, through some desire of her own, wishes to present them, she
should never be met by indifference on their part. Men have a
right to be exclusive as to their acquaintances, of course; but at
a lady's table, or in her parlor, they should never openly show
distaste for each other's society before her.
In America it is the fashion to shake hands, and most women, if
desirous of being cordial, extend their hands even on a first
introduction; but it is, perhaps, more elegant to make a bow only,
at a first introduction.
In her own house a hostess should always extend her hand to a
person brought to her by a mutual friend, and introduced for the
first time. At a dinner-party, a few minutes before dinner, the
hostess introduces to a lady the gentleman who is to take her down
to the dining-room, but makes no further introductions, except in
the case of a distinguished stranger, to whom all the company are
introduced. Here people, as we have said, are shy of speaking, but
they should not be, for the room where they meet is a sufficient
guarantee that they can converse without any loss of dignity.
At large gatherings in the country it is proper for the lady to
introduce her guests to each other, and it is perfectly proper to
do this without asking permission of either party. A mother always
introduces her son or daughter, a husband his wife, or a wife her
husband, without asking permission.
A gentleman, after being introduced to a lady, must wait for her
to bow first before he ventures to claim her as an acquaintance.
This is Anglo-Saxon etiquette. On the Continent, however, the
gentleman bows first. There the matter of the raising the hat is
also important. An American gentleman takes his hat quite off to a
lady; a foreigner raises it but slightly, and bows with a
deferential air. Between ladies but slightly acquainted, and just
introduced, a very formal bow is all that is proper; acquaintances
and friends bow and smile; intimate male friends simply nod, but
all gentlemen with ladies raise the hat and bow if the lady
recognizes a friend.
Introductions which take place out-of-doors, as on the lawn-tennis
ground, in the hunting field, in the street, or in any casual way,
are not to be taken as necessarily formal, unless the lady chooses
so to consider them. The same may be said of introductions at a
watering-place, where a group of ladies walking together may meet
other ladies or gentlemen, and join forces for a walk or drive.
Introductions are needful, and should be made by the oldest lady
of the party, but are not to be considered as making an
acquaintance necessary between the parties if neither should
afterwards wish it. It is universally conceded now that this sort
of casual introduction does not involve either lady in the
net-work of a future acquaintance; nor need a lady recognize a
gentleman, if she does not choose to do so, after a watering-place
introduction. It is always, however, more polite to bow; that
civility hurts no one.
There are in our new country many women who consider themselves
fashionable leaders--members of an exclusive set--and who fear if
they should know some other women out of that set that they would
imperil their social standing. These people have no titles by
which they can be known, so they preserve their exclusiveness by
disagreeable manners, as one would hedge a garden by a border of
prickly-pear. The result is that much ill-feeling is engendered in
society, and people whom these old aristocrats call the "_nouveaux
riches_," "parvenus," etc., are always having their feelings hurt.
The fact remains that the best-bred and most truly aristocratic
people do not find it necessary to hurt any one's feelings. An
introduction never harms anybody, and a woman with the slightest
tact can keep off a vulgar and a pushing person without being
rude. It is to be feared that there are vulgar natures among those
who aspire to be considered exclusive, and that they are gratified
if they can presumably increase their own importance by seeming
exclusive; but it is not necessary to dwell on such people.
The place given here to the ill-bred is only conceded to them that
one may realize the great demands made upon the tact and the good
feeling of a hostess. She must have a quick apprehension; she may
and will remember, however, that it is very easily forgiven, this
kind-heartedness--that it is better to sin against etiquette than
to do an unkind thing.
Great pains should be taken by a hostess to introduce shy people.
Young people are those whose pleasure must depend on
introductions.
It is well for a lady in presenting two strangers to say something
which may break the ice, and make the conversation easy and
agreeable; as, for instance, "Mrs. Smith, allow me to present Mr.
Brown, who has just arrived from New Zealand;" or, "Mrs. Jones,
allow me to present Mrs. Walsingham, of Washington--or San
Francisco," so that the two may naturally have a question and
answer ready with which to step over the threshold of conversation
without tripping.
At a five-o'clock tea or a large reception there are reasons why a
lady cannot introduce any one but the daughter or sister whom she
has in charge. A lady who comes and knows no one sometimes goes
away feeling that her hostess has been inattentive, because no one
has spoken to her. She remembers Europe, where the roof-tree has
been an introduction, and where people spoke kindly to her and did
not pass her by. Dinner-parties in stiff and formal London have
this great attraction: a gentleman steps up and speaks to a lady,
although they have never met before, and often takes her down to
dinner without an introduction. The women chat after dinner like
old friends; every one knows that the roof is a sufficient
guarantee. This is as it should be; but great awkwardness results
in the United States if one lady speaks to another and receives no
answer. "Pray, can you tell me who the pianist is?" said a leader
of society to a young girl near her at a private concert. The
young lady looked distressed and blushed, and did not answer.
Having seen a deaf-mute in the room whom she knew, the speaker
concluded that this young lady belonged to that class of persons,
and was very much surprised when later the hostess brought up this
silent personage and introduced her.
"I could not speak to you before because I had not been
introduced--but the pianist is Mr. Mills," remarked this
punctilious person. "I, however, could speak to you, although we
had not been formally presented. The roof was a sufficient
guarantee of your respectability, and I thought from your not
answering that you were deaf and dumb," said the lady.
The rebuke was deserved. Common-sense must interpret etiquette;
"nice customs courtesy to great kings." Society depends upon its
social soothsayers for all that is good in it. A disagreeable
woman can always find precedents for being formal and chilling; a
fine-tempered woman can always find reasons enough for being
agreeable. A woman would rather be a benediction than a curse, one
would think. We hold it proper, all things considered, that at
dinner-parties and receptions a hostess may introduce her friends
to each other. So long as there is embarrassment, or the mistake
made by the young lady above mentioned who would not answer a
civil question; so long as these mistakes and others are made, and
the result be stupidity and gloom, and a party silent and
thumb-twisting, instead of gayly conversing, as it should be; so
long as people do not come together easily--it is manifestly
proper that the hostess should put her finger on the social
pendulum, and give it a swing to start the conversational clock.
All well-bred people recognize the propriety of speaking to even
an enemy at a dinner-party, although they would suffer no
recognition an hour later. The same principle holds good, of
course, if, in the true exercise of her hospitality, the hostess
should introduce some person whom she would like to commend. These
are the exceptions which form the rule.
Care should be taken in presenting foreigners to young ladies;
sometimes titles are dubious. Here, a hostess is to be forgiven if
she positively declines. She may say, politely, "I hardly think I
know you well enough to dare to present you to that young lady.
You must wait until her parents (or guardians, or chaperon) will
present you."
But the numbers of agreeable people who are ready and waiting to
be introduced are many. The woman of literary distinction and the
possessor of an honored name may be invincibly shy and afraid to
speak; while her next neighbor, knowing her fame perhaps, and
anxious to make her acquaintance, misconstrues shyness for
pride--a masquerade which bashfulness sometimes plays; so two
people, with volumes to say to each other, remain silent as
fishes, until the kindly magician comes along, and, by the open
sesame of an introduction, unlocks the treasure which has been so
deftly hidden. A woman of fashion may enter an assembly of
thinkers and find herself dreaded and shunned, until some kind
word creates the _entente cordiale_. In the social entertainments
of New York, the majority prefer those where the hostess
introduces her guests--under, of course, these wise and proper
limitations.
As for forms of introduction, the simplest are best. A lady should
introduce her husband as "Mr. Brown," "General Brown," "Judge
Brown." If he has a title she is always to give it to him. Our
simple forms of titular respect have been condemned abroad, and we
are accused of being all "colonels" and "generals;" but a wife
should still give her husband his title. In addressing the
President we say "Mr. President," but his wife should say, "Allow
me to introduce the President to you." The modesty of Mrs. Grant,
however, never allowed her to call her many-titled husband
anything but "Mr. Grant," which had, in her case, a sweetness
above all etiquette.
Introductions in the homely German fatherland are universal,
everybody pronouncing to everybody else the name of the lady to
whom he is talking; and among our German fellow-citizens we often
see a gentleman convoying a lady through a crowded assemblage,
introducing her to everybody. It is a simple, cordial, and
pleasant thing enough, as with them the acquaintance stops there;
and a bow and smile hurt nobody.
No one of heart or mind need feel afraid to talk and be agreeable,
whether introduced or not, at a friend's house; even if she meets
with the rebuff of a deaf-and-dumb neighbor, she need not feel
heart-broken: she is right, and her stiff acquaintance is wrong.
If a gentleman asks to be presented to a lady, she should signify
her assent in a pleasant way, and pay her hostess, through whom
the request comes, the compliment of at least seeming to be
gratified at the introduction. Our American ladies are sometimes a
little lacking in cordiality of manner, often receiving a new
acquaintance with that part of their conformation which is known
as the "cold shoulder." A brusque discourtesy is bad, a very
effusive courtesy and a too low bow are worse, and an overwhelming
and patronizing manner is atrocious. The proper salutation lies
just between the two extremes: the_ juste milieu_ is the proper
thing always. In seeking introductions for ourselves, while we
need not be shy of making a first visit or asking for an
introduction, we must still beware of "push." There are instincts
in the humblest understanding which will tell us where to draw the
line. If a person is socially more prominent than ourselves, or
more distinguished in any way, we should not be violently anxious
to take the first step; we should wait until some happy chance
brought us together, for we must be as firm in our self-respect as
our neighbor is secure in her exalted position. Wealth has
heretofore had very little power to give a person an exclusively
fashionable position. Character, breeding, culture, good
connections--all must help. An aristocrat who is such by virtue of
an old and honored name which has never been tarnished is a power
in the newest society as in the oldest; but it is a shadowy power,
felt rather than described. Education is always a power.
To be sure, there is a tyranny in large cities of what is known as
the "fashionable set," formed of people willing to spend money;
who make a sort of alliance, offensive and defensive; who can give
balls and parties and keep certain people out; who have the place
which many covet; who are too much feared and dreaded. If those
who desire an introduction to this set strive for it too much,
they will be sure to be snubbed; for this circle lives by
snubbing. If such an aspirant will wait patiently, either the
whole autocratic set of ladies will disband--for such sets
disentangle easily--or else they in their turn will come knocking
at the door and ask to be received. _L'art de tenir salon_ is not
acquired in an hour. It takes many years for a new and an
uninstructed set to surmount all the little awkwardnesses, the
dubious points of etiquette, that come up in every new shuffle of
the social cards; but a modest and serene courtesy, a civility
which is not servile, will be a good introduction into any
society.
And it is well to have that philosophical spirit which puts the
best possible interpretation upon the conduct of others. Be not in
haste to consider yourself neglected. Self-respect does not easily
receive an insult. A lady who is fully aware of her own
respectability, who has always lived in the best society, is never
afraid to bow or call first, or to introduce the people whom she
may desire should know each other. She perhaps presumes on her
position, but it is very rare that such a person offends; for tact
is almost always the concomitant of social success.
There has been a movement lately towards the stately bows and
courtesies of the past in our recent importation of Old-World
fashions. A lady silently courtesies when introduced, a gentleman
makes a deep bow without speaking. We have had the custom of
hand-shaking--and a very good custom it is--but perhaps the latest
fashion in ceremonious introduction forbids it. If a gentleman
carries his crush hat, and a lady her fan and a bouquet,
hand-shaking may not be perfectly convenient. However, if a lady
or gentleman extends a hand, it should be taken cordially. Always
respond to the greeting in the key-note of the giver.