MT FIRST AND ONLY APPEARANCE AS AN AUCTIONEER.
_The force of Circumstances--An infallible System--Led to
Ruin--Getting Out of One Scrape into Another--A Lucky Escape._
In my lifetime I have played many parts, successfully and otherwise,
but it was only on one occasion I officiated as an auctioneer. The
circumstances connected with this position were too many for me, and I
ascended the rostrum much against my inclination. The rostrum consisted
of a small table, uncertain about the legs, with a worm-eaten desk upon
it. It would have been a piece of good fortune if that shaky article
of furniture had, like my friend's system of breaking the bank, broken
down; but no surreptitious stamping would bring it to the ground.
Putting the best face I could upon the matter, and assuming the air
of a Tattersall about to dispose of a two-thousand-guinea yearling, I
proceeded to sell the various lots printed in the catalogue, making a
few preliminary remarks to be in keeping with the style and manner of
the Knightsbridge people.
But was I not an auctioneer? Not at all! That was the fun, or rather
the difficulty of the thing. It was, however, a nasty scrape, and I was
more than glad to see the last of Doncaster for that year. It was the
infallible system of Peter Dodd which created the mischief.
"What on earth are you trying to do?" I asked him one day in the latter
part of August, more years ago now than I care to remember. Ho was the
sole occupant of the room, was Peter, when I entered, and seemed deeply
engaged in playing roulette with himself and noting the results--the
colour and the numbers--on a slate beside him.
"Studying how to make your fortune; and yet you sometimes doubt my
friendship!" replied Mr. Dodd, continuing to spin the ball and add to
the results on the slate.
"Fiddlesticks! what nonsense are you up to? It seems to be cheerful
work. Perhaps the spell will be broken if you are disturbed."
"Don't go, old fellow; let me finish the series. I know you are an
unbeliever; but I shall be able to convince the most sceptical."
I sat down much amused at my friend's earnestness and excitement, and
waited patiently the end of the experiments. He was soon satisfied,
and, starting up, exclaimed--
"Perfect, and a marvel of simplicity!"
"Not hereditary in the family, I hope?" I asked. "When the attack is on
you, you don't fly at your best friends?"
"Yes, I bite them! While you have been gadding about town, doing no
good, here have I been making my hair turn grey by testing the various
chances at roulette."
"Might I suggest," I said, "that you should vary the monotony of the
roulette--_toujours des perdrix_--with a little solitaire. I can
recommend that as a lively game."
"Go to Jericho!" he rather impolitely answered. "I am the working bee;
you are the drone. While you were whispering absurdities into the ear
of Marie I have discovered an infallible system."
"Anything to do with keeping one's temper?"
"It is a system," he said impressively, "which will break any bank."
"Is that all? That is nothing. I met three men at Baden Baden who
each professed to know a different but sure method of effecting
that desirable feat; but something must have gone wrong with their
calculations. To number one I lent a Napoleon to make up his railway
fare; number two was escorted to the frontier at the expense of the
State; and the third--what did the third do? Let me see--it was
something ridiculous, I know. Oh! I remember. When he had lost his last
franc he frightened the ladies in the rooms by blowing out his brains!
I am disappointed in you, Peter Dodd. I know your sanguine disposition,
but I did think you had more sense."
"Then the secrets of the world are all used up, and there is nothing
new to be discovered."
"What do you mean, wise Peter?"
"Be serious if you can; my system has extraordinary advantages,
and can be applied with equal s access to any game of chance, be it
pitch-and-toss or blind hookey."
"Eureka! That is the correct exclamation, I think. Then we are to have
no more flights of uncertain bills, the dread of Monday's settling is
about to cease for ever, and I can promise Marie that saddle horse.
Permit me, Peter, to congratulate you that you still retain a little of
the verdure of your early youth, and believe in something, even if that
something is only an infallible system."
"Pooh! so do you, you want to make yourself worse than you are. If
anyone dared, for instance, to malign a certain young lady----"
"Stop! what has my confidence in a young lady to do with the question?
Young ladies have nothing to do with making money; it is the spending
department they know most about. You are endeavouring to shirk the
matter, and you are aware that all the arguments in the universe would
fail to prove the truth of infallible systems."
"Just so; but you will admit that one system of gambling is better than
another, and that it must be greatly to the advantage of the player
to reduce the chance in favour of the banker to the smallest possible
limit."
"True! O wise Peter, you speak as if you were quoting the head line of
a copy book."
"The greatest discoveries of all ages have been treated in a similar
manner. Sneer away. It is quite true, though; I have found a system
which reduces the risk to the minimum, and puts you on all but a level
position with the banker."
"Double or quits, I suppose."
"Nothing of the kind; quite a new idea. The St. Leger is approaching."
"So is Christmas."
"But the St. Leger means Doncaster, stupid, and Doncaster implies
roulette in the subscription rooms, and--breaking the bank."
"Oh, I see now why you are in full practice--getting off superfluous
flesh and laying on muscle."
"Yes; and I want you and Fred Somers to join me in the speculation. A
pile of money might easily be made. Draw your chair, take the slate,
and I will condescend to show you--which is more than you deserve--how
the thing is done."
The system when worked out, was really ingenious, and was not devoid
of merit. It was imperative that there should not be the slightest
deviation from a particular plan of operation. The human being became
a simple calculating machine, and his judgment was dispensed with. And
it had the charm of simplicity. With pardonable curiosity you wish to
know the particulars of Peter Dodd's infallible system, but I shall not
gratify your desire, as it might lead to your ruin.
After many trials of the system and much deliberation, Dodd, Somers,
and myself arranged to go to Doncaster. Our available capital was
lumped together, and shared equally. We were to play independently
of each other, and compare notes when the night's work was finished.
Owing to the action of the police at a later period, gambling in the
subscription rooms is no longer permitted, but when Marquis won the
St. Leger for Mr. Hawke and John Scott it was in full vogue. We had a
successful day on the race-course, and were in excellent spirits and
anxious to set about breaking the bank.
There must have been something good in Dodd's system, because we
managed to play without being entirely "broke" from 9 p.m. to 4 a.m.,
but casting up accounts at the latter hour was not an agreeable
operation. We had all lost heavily. In fact we had only a few
sovereigns left, barely sufficient to pay our expenses.
"I never believed in the infernal system," said Somers, as we walked
home to our hotel in the bright autumn morning; "we must have been
asses."
I could not help laughing at the disappointed expression on poor Dodd's
face.
"It wants looking into," muttered Peter.
"I mean to have a dance on that roulette wheel when I get back to town;
no more systems for this infant. What's to be done about money?" said
Somers.
"We must back a winner to-morrow," I replied; but whether it was the
tiring effects of the night's gambling or not I cannot say, we were
very unlucky with our investments, and finished the day as nearly
cleaned out as possible. Circumstances were now very grave, and the
question was how were we to pay our hotel bill and get back to London?
Three more disconsolate-looking men did not walk the streets of
Doncaster. We put our heads together in vain--no good idea came out of
them, and in the hope that night would bring good counsel we retired to
rest.
But the morning found us without any solution to the problem, and
Dodd, who took the greater part of the blame on himself--went out
into the town to see if he could meet any friend who would lend him
a few pounds. The time Dodd was gone Somers said he would look into
the public room, and I was left in my bedroom writing "copy" for the
_Weekly Clarion_. Somers soon returned with a beaming countenance.
"You have been fortunate?" I said.
"Yes, but not in the manner you think," answered Somers.
"But do you see your way out of the difficulty?"
"Certainly, but it all depends on you."
"Well, explain. I am ready to do anything."
"I thought so. Now, listen. There is a sale on in the yard, and the
auctioneer has not turned up. When I saw the dilemma the farmers were
in, I said my friend would be glad to officiate--meaning you. Dodd
would make a regular mess of it, and my squeaky voice would never be
heard."
"You cannot be serious, Somers," I exclaimed.
"Never more serious in my life."
"But I have never acted as an auctioneer."
"That don't matter."
"But are you aware, my friend, that a licence is necessary, and that
the penalty for not having one is very heavy?"
"Bother the penalty. Don't we return to London to-night? I'm off to get
your name printed. Any preference? Will Robert Scott, auctioneer, Mark
Lane, London, do?"
"Really, Somers, it is too risky."
"I'll back it to beat Peter Dodd's idiotic system. This is a certainty.
It means £5."
Imagine me, then, if you please, standing on that shaky table,
catalogue in hand, extolling the merits of a feather bed, a cart-horse,
a Carron grate, a brindle cow, some pigs, a threshing machine, a chest
of drawers, and other miscellaneous articles of property.
Naturally I was a little nervous at first, but my courage came back
to me, and I got excellent prices for everything. When Peter Dodd
returned from his fruitless quest he did not see me, being a little
short-sighted, until Somers pointed me out to him. When, by the aid
of an eye-glass, he did realise the fact that I was making myself so
useful, the situation was too much for him, and he rushed into an hotel.
Towards the end of the sale the real auctioneer made his appearance!
The train by which he travelled had broken down. He was for ousting me
from my rostrum without ceremony, but backed by the "No! no!" of my
audience, I refused to move. He looked daggers at me, and took a note
of my newly-printed name and address. This did not bode any good, and I
was not sorry to get to the end of the catalogue.
Joining my friends with the hard-earned "fiver," I suggested that the
sooner we left Doncaster the better. The bill was called for and a
time-table examined. But before our preparations were finished a row
broke out in the room where the farmers were having their dinner, and
Somers went down to see what it meant. He returned immediately, looking
pale as a ghost.
"Old fellow," he said, addressing me, "that wretch of an auctioneer has
had a telegram from London to say you are not licensed, and he has just
gone to acquaint the authorities."
"In that case, you will excuse me leaving by the back door. I will see
you at the station."
Whether they sold the live stock and implements of husbandry over again
I never heard, and since then I have discarded all belief in Peter
Dodd's infallible system, and have not officiated a second time as an
auctioneer.