Very different to the Lady Bird is the _Aphis Vastator_, or commonly
known as the _Sea-side Lodging-house keeper_. It is a most ravenous
tribe, to be met with at all watering-places. It will eat through
anything. It has consumed, before now, a week's provisions in a day. It
is always seeking somebody to devour. These vastators, or rather
devastators, live mostly on the poor Lady Birds, who suffer dreadfully
from their depredations. A Lady Bird, who has taken a lodging in the
morning, has repeatedly been eaten out of house and home before the
evening, and been obliged to fly for safety. Nothing escapes the fangs
of the Marine Lodging-house keeper. It will work its way into locked
drawers, and runs through a tea-caddy with as much ease as if it had the
key. It will clear a trunk in a day, and empty a work-box whilst the
Lady Bird is taking a plunge in the sea. Its fangs are so constructed
that they close directly on everything they touch; and their eyes are so
sharp that they protrude into every letter and parcel that comes into
the house. What they do not consume they hide; what they cannot hide
they destroy or else give away; for the male _Devastator_ is just as
nimble as the female, though he is rarely seen. He comes the last thing
at night, and is off the first thing in the morning; walking off
probably—for he has very long legs—with a coat, or a pair of trousers
that was found lying about in your portmanteau.
The _Aphis_ has generally a large brood of little _Aphises_, which she
rears in the back kitchen. They all partake of their mother's nature.
They crawl about the house in search of stockings and frocks, and from
their small size can creep almost into anything. Their appetites, too,
are almost superhuman. They will lift the lid of a rump-steak pie, which
has been left on the landing-place, and, in less time than you can drink
a glass of wine, they will have abstracted every bit of meat out of it.
If they settle on a leg of mutton they will not leave it before they
have picked it clean to the bone. In fact, their skill in polishing a
bone would fill you with wonder, if nothing else. They shrink from no
pastry; and the largest tart does not appal them. Their powers of
suction, too, are just as great. A bottle is no sooner put upon the
table than it is empty; and if there were twenty bottles they would go
through every one of them, and the stronger the contents the easier the
absorbing process seems to be!
[Illustration:
Evidence of the Marine Blight on a Leg of Mutton.
]
When the winter comes round the _Aphis Devastator_ looks over her
stores, and begins to count if her provisions will last her till the
summer. Her coals are put away into the cellar; her wine and spirits are
arranged in the different cupboards; her candles are measured out; and
everything placed upon the save-all system. Woe to her young then, if
she catches one of them lifting the lid of a pie, and helping himself to
the solids or fluids within! The chances are she would eat him up on the
spot. The husband's appetite, too, is put upon a reduced scale, and he
is only allowed a glass of grog when there has been stuffing for dinner,
or when another _Aphis_ drops in. The voracity of the whole family is
kept under during the winter, but then it breaks out with all the
greater fury afterwards. The legs and shoulders of the first lodger of
the season generally feel this pretty sharply. He has not a joint which,
after the first day, he can call his own. A blight invariably follows;
for whatever the _Aphis Vastator_ touches is sure to go immediately.
It is difficult to describe the _Aphises_ externally, for they take up
so wonderfully quick the habits of each new lodger that they are always
changing.
YOUR ROOM IS PREFERRED TO YOUR COMPANY.
AN IMAGINARY CONVERSATION OVERHEARD IN BAKER STREET.
_Mrs. Armytage, the greatest woman in the world (ringing the bell at
Madame Tussaud's)_—"Oh, if you please, madam, I have called to inquire
if you wanted a 'magnificent addition?'"
_Madame T._—"No, thank you; we're quite full."
_Mrs. A._—"You might find a spare corner, madam."
_Madame T._—"A spare corner? Why, bless me, my good woman, you wouldn't
have me turn out the 'Royal Family' to accommodate you!"