"HERE THEY SPIKE THE ENGLISH,"
unless you can speak French very correctly, or are prepared to pay for
the consequences.
MATRIMONIAL WEATHER TABLE;
TO BE HUNG UP IN ALL PANTRIES AND SERVANTS' HALLS.
_Constructed by a Butler of twenty-nine years' standing behind his
Master's
and Missus's chair._
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───────────────────────┬───────────────────────┬───────────────────────
Causes of Change. │ Indications. │ Results and Dreadful
│ │ Consequences.
───────────────────────┼───────────────────────┼───────────────────────
Cold meat for dinner │Very Sharp and Cutting;│A visit, directly after
│ dead calm; horizon │ dinner, to the club
│ very black │
│ │
Money for the │Very Stormy; repeated │The puddings are cut
housekeeping: weekly │ thunderstorms about │ off, and the
expenses produced │ 10 a.m.; violent │ servants' beer
│ explosion at │
│ "Sundries" │
│ │
A proposal to go up the│NNNNNNNO, or │A trip to Ramsgate or
Rhine, or to Baden │NNNNNNNO │ Broadstairs, and
Baden │ │ master goes down on
│ │ Saturdays and returns
│ │ on Mondays
│ │
Hint of an evening or │Extremely Close: heavy │The old Mr. and Mrs.
dinner party │ clouds on master's │ Glumpy are asked to
│ brow; gloomy │ dinner, and the
│ depression; mistress │ Misses and young Mr.
│ and the young ladies │ Glumpy and a few
│ Rainy │ friends are asked to
│ │ drop in in the
│ │ evening
│ │
A box for the Opera │The same, with │Tickets for the
│ additional closeness │ Horticultural, or
│ │ seats taken at the
│ │ Lyceum
│ │
No one down to │Regular Storm, blowing │Missus unwell; cannot
breakfast at 10 │ up everybody, and │ come down to
o'clock to make tea │ which makes the bells│ breakfast; the young
│ ring all over the │ ladies "suddenly
│ house │ indisposed," and do
│ │ not show themselves;
│ │ master goes out, and
│ │ slams the door fit to
│ │ shake the house down
│ │
Boys home for the │Unsettled; continual │Repeated thrashings
holidays │ hurricane for six │
│ weeks │
│ │
New baby, or a new pair│Squally and changeable │Dines out; home very
of boots │ │ late. (Let him take
│ │ care to whom it falls
│ │ to pull off master's
│ │ boots on a night like
│ │ this!)
│ │
Dividend day │Fair │Theatre; oysters for
│ │ supper (perhaps); a
│ │ new bonnet
│ │
Series of │High wind; very Stormy;│Nervous headache;
contradictions │ air charged with │ mistress Nervous
│ thunder │ headache; mistress
│ │ dines in her bedroom;
│ │ no pudding for
│ │ dinner, or dessert
│ │
Taxes │Foul; every symptom of │Finding fault with
│ a Storm, but carried │ everything; cook
│ off towards the │ blown up for dinner,
│ evening by a timely │ and one or two
│ cheque │ servants discharged
│ │
Washing day │Very Rainy, pours │Master dines at club;
│ buckets from morning │ not home till late;
│ to night; up to your │ smokes a cigar in the
│ ankles in water │ evening; mistress
│ │ faints
│ │
Grand dinner party │Sharp, Frosty, and │Abusing the servants,
│ Unsettled in the │ and counting the
│ morning; very Hot │ spoons, and running
│ before dinner; │ through the guests as
│ exceedingly Fair at │ soon as they are
│ dinner; pointing to │ gone. Cold meat next
│ Wet after, and │ day, carried off with
│ frequent Storms │ pickles
│ towards 12 p.m. │
│ │
Grand evening party │Strange singing in the │Nothing but
│ ears and dancing │ barley-sugar temples
│ before the eyes all │ for breakfast, and
│ night; curious noises│ blanc-manges for
│ over head, and a │ dinner for days
│ fearful famine that │ afterwards
│ devours everything │
│ about 1 a.m.; blows │
│ dreadful │
│ cornet-a-pistons till│
│ the next morning │
GENERAL OBSERVATIONS.—When it is Fair, the servants or guests in the
house can move about with the greatest safety; but if it is at all
Cloudy, or the weather looks in the least Unsettled, then he had better
look twice at the above table before he takes the smallest step, or else
he will have the matrimonial storm breaking over his head. If missus is
out, then the atmosphere is generally Fair; but it is invariably Stormy
when master goes out and does not come home for dinner. If master and
missus are both in, look out for a change or a sudden squall; and the
eyes of missus will probably point to Wet.
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