A dealer in pencils should not go to Pencil-vain-here; nor would a man
stand a better chance at Botany Bay because he might have a knowledge of
botany.
To very hot climates, where there is no glass in the windows, it would
be madness in the glazier to take the panes to emigrate.
WINE _VERSUS_ WATER.
GREAT ANTI-TEMPERANCE MEETING.
A highly respectable meeting of some of the most influential Wines,
Beers, and Spirits, was held for the purpose of considering the best
means of opposing the Temperance Movement. Among those on the platform
we particularly noticed Port, Sherry, and Claret; while at the lower end
of the room were Cape, Marsala, and a deputation from the British Wines,
who were represented by the Two-and-Twopenny Sparkling Champagne, more
familiarly known as the "Genuine Walker." Most of the principal wines
wore the silver collars of the orders to which they respectively
belonged; and Port having been unanimously voted into the chair, the
business of the meeting was opened by Corkscrew, in a concise but
pointed manner.
CHAMPAGNE was the first to rise, in a state of great effervescence. He
declared that he was frothing over with pure indignation at the idea of
wine being excluded from the social board; and, indeed, he found it
impossible to preserve the coolness which ought to belong to him. He was
not one to keep anything long bottled up—(_"Hear," and a laugh_);—
indeed, when he once let loose, out it must all come: and he did say
that the temperance movement was playing Old Gooseberry with him in
every direction.—(_Cries of "Shame!" from the Genuine Walker._)
CLARET said that he did not often get into a state of fermentation; but
on this occasion he did feel his natural smoothness forsaking him. He
begged leave to propose the following resolution:—"That the substitution
of water for wine is likely to dissolve all social ties, and is
calculated to do material injury to the constitution."
RUM rose, he said, for the purpose of opposing this resolution, which he
thought of too sweeping a character. He (Rum), so far from wishing to
get rid of water altogether, was always happy to meet with it on equal
terms; and he knew that he (Rum), as well as many of his friends around
him, had derived a good deal of their influence from being mixed up with
water, and going, as it were, half-way; which there could be no
objection to.
GIN begged leave to differ from the honourable spirit that had just sat
down, and who was so unaccustomed to be on his legs at all, that it was
not surprising he should have failed to make a respectable stand on the
present occasion.—(_Cries of "Order!"_)—He (Gin) had no wish to create
confusion.—(_Ironical cheering from Marsala._)—He understood the meaning
of that cheer; and would certainly confess that the honourable beverage—
for he would not use the stronger term of wine—(_A laugh_)—was not
likely to create confusion in any quarter. No; he (the honourable
beverage) was not strong enough for that.—(_Renewed laughter._)—He (Gin)
had, perhaps, suffered more from water than all the other wines and
spirits whom he now saw before him put together. His reputation had been
materially hurt by it; and he was strongly of opinion that the only
thing to be done with water is to throw it overboard.—(_Hear, hear._)
A French Wine, whose name we could not learn, let something drop, but we
were unable to catch it.
CAPE now rose, but was immediately coughed down in a very unceremonious
manner.
The thanks of the meeting having been voted to Port for his able conduct
in the decanter, the meeting separated; but not until a committee had
been chosen, consisting of a dozen of wine and a gallon of beer, with
power to add to their number, either by water or otherwise.