THE FOND PARENT.
"_Political Economy is the science that teaches us to get the
greatest benefit out of the least possible amount of honest
labour._"--WEARY WILLY, JUNIOR.
There is no more universal fallacy than the firmly-rooted prejudice that
finds a comment in the old tag that "Everybody's goose is a swan." How
impregnably established is this conviction in the parental mind--when in
contemplation of the capacity of its wonderful offspring--only teachers
know. Eternal are the complaints that whilst Jimmy Miggs has been
promoted to the Third Standard "Our Willie" remains in the Second! And
brilliant is the diplomacy that is needed to make the situation
parentally endurable. Then there is the irate parent, the sacred person
of whose immaculate hopeful has been gently touched with the
discriminating hand of discreet personal chastisement. Ah me! What havoc
such an one can work with the calm serenity of the schoolroom. Strangely
enough, it is amongst the thriftless and self-indulgent minority of
working classes--those who shockingly neglect and ill-treat their
children themselves--that the teacher finds the greatest trouble in this
matter of objection even to the most moderate and wisely-administered
corporal punishment.
For myself, I hit upon an excellent expedient when the peace of the
school was suddenly ravished by the sudden and unbidden entrance of some
angry "mother." With great suavity I offered her a chair and
considerately pressed her into it. If she could be induced to rehearse
her complaints whilst still sitting down the fires of her fury would
soon flicker out. Indeed, I have never yet met an angry woman in any
walk of life who could sufficiently express her feelings whilst sitting
down. _Verb. sap._
The parental "Note" is often very amusing, sometimes abusive, and
occasionally clever and caustic. Excuses for absence, which involve a
reference to ailments with rather unspellable names are, naturally
enough, badly boggled. Rheumatism, Neuralgia, Influenza, Lumbago,
Inflammation, Diarrhoea--what tribulation these half-dozen words
represent to be sure! And what excruciating distortions the parental
note bears upon its usually rough and crumpled face. I remember
_neuralgia_ once being rendered "_real raw jaw_," which is not so far
out after all! "Very bad with _New Roger_" is not so near a shot. I also
recall a note of excuse that informed the teacher that Charlie couldn't
come to school "_because he has got haricot veins_!" This is as curious
as "_In bed with Piper's Dance_!" I have seen a "note," too, which
speaks of Mary being "_down with an illustrated throat, with glaciers on
both sides_!" And, finally, there was once the alarming case of Alfred,
who had "gone to the hospital to have some _aneroids_ taken from his
nose." But let a few of these little missives speak for themselves:--
* * * * *
A NOVEL MODE OF TRAVELLING.--The following excuse for lateness from a
Dover parent is very appropriate to a seaside town: "Dear miss, please
excuse mary being late as she _as been out on a herring_."
* * * * *
MONEY MARKET DOWN.--Here is a verbatim copy of a note received: "Tom is
not fit to come to school yet, as doctor Blight said I have to tell you
as they have _Inflamation in the Consols_. John and Harry."
* * * * *
ONE FOR THE TEACHERS.--The following note is from an irate parent:
"Willie ---- was absent From school this morning because Is mother is at
market and I have no one here to do anything as you Do know I have Told
you before know kindly state the Reason That you and all of The Teachers
was absent from school for a month without asking our leave. Mr. A."
* * * * *
"HARY AND EMENA."--Please sir hary and emena are unfit to attenion
school hary is got to go to the infirny with Exmoor and emena all over
him and not able to come I have seen Mr. Bennett." This excuse was to
convey the information that Harry and Emma had gone to the infirmary
because both were suffering from eczema, and that the mother had seen
the attendance officer (Mr. Bennett) about it.
* * * * *
TO INTRODUCE MAUD P.--A new scholar recently appeared at a Board School
with the accompanying letter: "Maud P. will be 6 years of age next
january 30th 1905 God Willen it she live she have not atended Scoole
Much as she is Never well far lange toGether she suffer with a bad feat
she have had 2 wounds an it if you like to lett she take off her sliper
an shoken you Can see it i fear it will break aut again as it is Very
read and inflamed at Night and she Complained of pain it was in the
furst place threw a kick fraw another Child at W---- P---- Scoole the
Cause kindle see she is not hurt if you plese and Not to wipe she as she
is a such a timed Sence Child ben ill so Much have rather spoilt her but
she is i trust honest and truful and laven so kindness will do ware
sharpness faile she only stain with Me to see if she Gett on all rite as
her home is 2 Miles from a Scoole at ---- her parents keep she i am her
Grandmother & Canat see Very well so i fear My riten will be hard to
read."
* * * * *
PARENTAL RAGE.--"If you please A---- B---- what made you not give F----
C---- his ticket on Friday for he had been 10 times so he ought to have
had it so if you please dont to give him it on Monday morning i shall go
farther to work with it. for i think i know more about school then you
do for i when their long before you did he as been to school all the
week so he as earnt his ticket so if you dont give it to him by fair
means you shall by foul so you can please yourself for you are not
master nor misstres yet and i dont think that ever you will be we have
to pay rates so we have to pay part for the school and it was down right
a shame that he was not put up when the others was for he is always at
school wet or fine bad or well he never stop away their was never such
teachers as you had to teach me when i went to school they know which
way to teach a child and that is more than you do if he his not put up
before long he shall go to another school for he does reading and
writing very well at home at night so by that means he must do it good
at school. so if he dont bring his ticket home with him on Monday dinner
time you can look for some body to make you give it up for it was not in
your place at all to keep it i know school rules."
* * * * *
DROPPED INTO POETRY.--The following couplet was once received in reply
to an inquiry as to the reason for absence:--
"_Grim tyrant of the powers that be,
Take note! The lad had leave from me._"
On another occasion the reply came back:--
"_George stayed away to make the hay
To please his own dear mother,
And you can take the case to law
To save all future bother._"