THE RELIGIOUS DIFFICULTY.
TEACHER: "_On what occasion did Our Lord use the words,
'With God all things are possible'?_"
SMALL CHILD: "_To the woman who had seven husbands!_"
It would be a real novelty to write a book having even the most remote
reference to education without bringing this in. But lest the headline
should terrify the reader with the fearful apprehension that it is my
purpose to plunge once again into the bitter and apparently never-ebbing
waters of religious strife, let me hasten to say that I have no such
maleficent intention. In the classification of my budget of anecdotes I
find I have an abundant selection of those which have arisen in
connection with the daily Scripture lesson; and, as I have already said,
they represent the richest harvest of all. The reasons for this I have
endeavoured to set forth. It only remains for me, in submitting the
following stories, to add that no irreverence is intended. There are, I
know, some curiously constituted people who find offence in the most
ingenuous laugh if provoked by what they deem a sacred subject. I would
respectfully yet firmly adjure them not to read the stories which
immediately follow.
* * * * *
THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT--NEW STYLE.--In the first place the daily _viva
voce_ recital of the Commandments leads to quaint distortions when the
youngster comes to commit to paper what he has been saying day by day
for a year or so. Here are two startling variants on the Seventh of the
selfsame Commandments--
"_Thou shalt not kick a duckery._"
"_Thou shalt not come into the country._"
* * * * *
SOME NEW VERSIONS OF THE TENTH.--Here is a weird distortion of the
Tenth:--
"_Thou shalt not cumt thy neighbours house, thou shalt not cumt thy
neighbours wife, mornin' circus, mornin' 'oss, mornin' ass, mor anything
that is his._"
Quaint in its way, but not so fearfully and wonderfully contrived, is
the following misquotation also of the Tenth Commandment:--
"Thou shalt not covet ... nor his ox, nor his ass, nor anything
_dangerous_!"
* * * * *
"THOU SHA'T NOT BOW DEAN!"--Still affecting the Commandments, though a
story of another colour, is the following:--
In a village in Yorkshire dwelt the two granddaughters of a former
vicar. These good ladies often met in the streets the children who
attended the village school. On such occasions they expected the latter
to acknowledge them--the boys by raising their hats and the girls by
curtseying. Now one sturdy urchin often disregarded the ladies, and they
accordingly spoke to his father respecting his conduct. The parent
questioned the boy, and soon found out that the complaint laid against
him was true. On being asked why he did not lift his cap, the culprit
replied, "Ah dean't think ah ou't ta dea sa. _Dean't us larn at t'
skeal, 'Thou sha't not bow dean ta ony graven image'?_"
* * * * *
IN BRAID YORKSHIRE.--The diocesan inspector was questioning a class of
boys about the story of Joseph as a slave, interpreter, &c., and
incidentally asked the following question: "What did Joseph's father
think when the brothers brought Joseph's coat covered with blood?" The
reply of a small boy quite upset the official's gravity: "Please, sir,
_he thought a coo had tupped him_!"
* * * * *
ON BREAD AND CHICKEN.--Imagine the surprise of the schoolmistress when a
little lad, in giving his version of the "Temptation," informed her that
Christ partook of _bread and chicken_ in the wilderness. Judicious
questioning elicited the fact that the young hopeful had based his
opinion upon two extracts: "_Man shall not live by bread alone_," and
"_Get the hens, Satan_!"
* * * * *
THREE EVILS.--It was the annual Scripture examination, and the inspector
was questioning a class upon the Catechism. "It was promised for you in
your baptism," said the official inquisitor, "that you would fight
against three great evils. Tell me what they are." "_My godfathers and
godmothers_," was the reply of one youth.
* * * * *
IN THE APPLICATION THEREOF.--The school had been closely questioned by
the inspector in Scripture, and at last a bright idea seemed to strike
him, for he said: "Suppose Christ came into this room now and offered to
perform a miracle for you, what would you ask him to do?" There was
silence for some moments, and then up went a hand. The inspector asked
for a reply, which was: "_Cast out a devil, sir!_"
* * * * *
A BASTE BUT NOT A BULL.--The following occurred in a Dublin school
during the Scripture lesson:--"What does the Bible say will happen to
the proud?" asked the examiner. "_Please, sir, they will become
animals_," replied one bright little chap. "Oh, that's a curious answer.
What text have you to prove it?" queried the interrogator. "He that
humbleth himself shall be exalted, and he that exalteth himself _shall
be a baste_!" promptly replied one of the youngest of Ould Oireland's
hopefuls.
* * * * *
THE FLESH POTS.--A class was in the habit of singing at close of school
the well-known Grace: "These creatures bless," &c. Having some doubts as
to the accuracy of the words being sung by one boy, the master asked him
to repeat them. He was not a little astonished to hear recited the
words--
"These creatures bless and grant that we
_May feast on pounds of rice with Thee_."
* * * * *
OVERHEARD IN THE PLAYGROUND.--_Small lad to a friend_: "I say, Jack,
what do you think our teacher told us this morning?" "I dunno." "Well,
he said there was once a man going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, _and
as he was going the thorns sprang up and choked him_!"
* * * * *
SAMIVEL, BEWARE!--Inspector: "Why was Elisha sorry when the Shunamite's
son was dead?" Ingenious lad, who has just been devouring Mr. Pickwick:
"_Because he didn't like being left alone with a widow._" (Inspector
smiled.)
* * * * *
SOME UNFAMILIAR EXHORTATIONS.--Children, as I have said, often get hold
of the wrong words in prayers and hymns. For instance, one child was
heard to pray: "Forgive me all that I have done _on Christmas Day_"
(amiss this day). Another was heard to plead: "_And give us an eagle_"
(and deliver us from evil). While a third after meals repeated: "_Let
manners to us all be given_" (Let manna to our souls be given).
* * * * *
NOAH'S FIRST TASK.--At a recent Scripture examination the examiner asked
the following question in the infants' class: "What was the first thing
Noah did when he came out of the Ark?" A tiny girl put up her hand, and
on being asked, said: "_Please, sir, he buried all the drownded
people._"
* * * * *
WHY A DOORKEEPER?--Teacher: "What did David mean when he said he'd
rather be a doorkeeper of the House of the Lord?" Boy: "Because, if he
was a doorkeeper, _he could walk about outside while the sermon was
being preached_."
* * * * *
A QUESTION OF A MAIN DRAINAGE.--Subject: Scripture lesson on "The
Flood." Teacher had explained how it rained and rained until the tops of
the highest hills were covered. Pupil of inquiring mind suddenly puts up
her hand and asks: "_Teacher, wern't there no sinks?_"
* * * * *
AN ALTOGETHER UNEXPECTED REPLY.--A teacher who had given a lesson on the
Birth of Christ and the Virgin Mary was proceeding to question the
children, and asked: "Who was the mother of Jesus?" To her great
astonishment, a small girl chirped out: "_Please, m', the blessed bird
canary!_"
* * * * *
THE LITTLE "DOWN-ALONG'S" DOVE.--The inspector was examining a class of
Westcountry infants, and had asked: "When our Lord was baptised, what
bird came down on His head?" One little Devonshire dumpling at once
retorted: "_Please, sir, a little yeller-hammer, sir!_"
* * * * *
THE PART THAT NEVER DIES.--During a Scripture lesson a teacher of little
dots was greatly surprised upon asking: "What part of you is it that
never dies?" to receive from an excited youngster, "_The Holy Ghost._"
* * * * *
WHO WAS SORRY?--A class was being questioned on the prodigal son's
return. The teacher: "Who was sorry when the prodigal son returned?"
Little Boy (after deep thought): "_The fatted calf, sir._"
* * * * *
ABOUT ELI.--Teacher: "Tell all you know of Eli." Small Girl: "Eli was a
very old man, and Eli was very sick _and Eli brought up Samuel_."
* * * * *
A HOMELY VIEW.--Head mistress: "What was the first thing that the little
boy Samuel did when he got up in the morning?" Cheery little mother:
"_Please, mum, he carried up a cup of tea to Eli!_"
* * * * *
MIXED.--A small boy, who had been reading about Sir Walter Raleigh and
the Virgin Queen, in writing of Elijah, said: "As Elijah went up to
Heaven he dropped his mantle, _and Queen Elizabeth walked over it_."
* * * * *
"I BELIEVE."--"Write down what you are saying," said a teacher once to a
pupil who with others was reciting the Apostles' Creed. "Suffered under
Pontius Pilate," came out "Suffered under _bunch of violets!_" At the
little village school of Bonchurch, Isle of Wight, it was once set down
"_Suffered under Bonchurch Pilot!_"
* * * * *
"AND TO BED YOU GO."--"Tell us a story, please," said the little ones
once to their teacher on Friday afternoon. She, consenting, asked
whether they wanted a new one or an old one. "Cinderella," said one;
"Aladdin," asked another. Then from a rather heavy boy, "_I want the
tale of Citrate of Magnesia and to bed you go._" She paused in complete
obfuscation. Then a sharp little girl said: "That's wrong, governess, it
wasn't Citrate of Magnesia, but it _was_ to bed you go, _and they were
all in the fire and not burnt_." The teacher recognised the Bible
incident of _Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego_!
* * * * *
WHAT HAPPENED.--Scene: Class of infants and Standard I. Time: Scripture
lesson. Teacher, impressively (to children anxiously watching--in
imagination--the development of an old-world tragedy): "Then Abraham
having bound his son Isaac and laid him on the altar, took the knife in
his hand--when lo!--What happened?" Big dunce from the gallery (in a
voice hoarse with excitement and pent-up feeling): "_Hisaac 'ollered
out._"
* * * * *
BIBLICAL CRICKET.--The vicar recently came down to distribute the prizes
to the successful athletes at the school sports. In his prefatory
remarks, he mentioned that games were not unknown even in scriptural
times, and asked if any boy could furnish a text to prove this.
"Yissir," said one urchin, "our Lord said to a team of His disciples
when they was agoing to play in a cricket match: 'Beware of the _'leven_
of the Pharisees.'"
* * * * *
THE ONE THING NECESSARY.--Venerable Archdeacon: "Now, my dear children,
I will ask you a few questions in your Catechism. Which of you can tell
me the two things necessary in Baptism?" "Quite right, 'Water.' Water is
one thing, and what is the other? What! can none of you think what else
is necessary? Well, little girl, what do you say?" Little Girl:
"_Please, sir, a baby._"
* * * * *
DIVISION OF LABOUR.--The subject of a Scripture lesson to a class of
girls in Standards V. and VI. happened one day to be the Resurrection.
Whether the curate, fresh from the 'Varsity, failed to make the matter
interesting because of faulty arrangement of matter or indifferent
method is not recorded. But the girls did not show much attention while
the changes which are to come to our vile bodies were being tabulated.
So, turning to one girl more conspicuously inattentive than the rest,
the curate sharply asked: "Mary Jane! who made your vile body?"
"_Please, sir, mother made the body and I made the skirt_," replied Mary
Jane.
* * * * *
TAKING THE BONES.--A curate had been talking diligently for half an hour
to a class of school children, but their attention was not very freely
given. The subject was "The Doings of the Children of Israel," and very
special mention had been made of how they had been commanded to take the
bones of Joseph with them when they made their exodus from the land of
Egypt. Suddenly pouncing upon one boy who was particularly inattentive,
the curate said: "Whose bones did the children of Israel take with them
out of Egypt, Sam?" Sam was nonplussed for a moment, then a brilliant
idea struck him, and his answer came out triumphantly: "_Their own!_"
* * * * *
MOSES AND THE BURNING BUSH.--The teacher was one morning giving a lessen
on "Moses and his talk with God," introducing, of course, the mystery of
the burning bush not being consumed, and laying particular stress on the
reverent attitude of Moses in taking off his shoes before approaching
the sacred place. At the close of the lesson the teacher questioned his
pupils to gauge their interest, and among other queries he submitted the
following: "Why did Moses take off his shoes before approaching the
bush?" Judge of his consternation when he received the following reply
from a little fellow of eight years: "_Please, sir, to warm ees feet!_"
* * * * *
CLEVER TEACHER.--The vicar of a Somerset parish was noted for his
extremely precise enunciation. He was in the habit of taking the
Scripture lessons in the village school, and had spent some time on "The
Lives of the Patriarchs." One morning he questioned a class upon the
story of Jacob. "What did Isaac tell Jacob to do when he left home after
obtaining the blessing?" asked the vicar, pointing to a dull, big boy.
"He told un to pay the man, zur," was the response. "To pay the man!"
replied the vicar wonderingly; "what man?" "Please, zur, I doant 'zacly
remember what his other name were, _but 'twere Dan somebody or other_."
The vicar lost the point of the answer; but the teacher, with keen
appreciation, quoted softly to herself, "_Arise, go to Pa-dan-aram_,"
and she thought the boy was not wholly to blame for thinking that _Dan
Aram_ was a man, and ought to be paid.
* * * * *
ROUGH ON THE DEACON.--"Explain," said the teacher, "all you can about
the words Bishop, Priest, and Deacon." "I never saw a Bishop," wrote one
hopeful. "A Priest is a man in the Old Testament, _and a Deacon is a
thing you pile up on the top of a hill and set fire to it_!"
* * * * *
THE THIRTEENTH APOSTLE.--The question was: "How many Apostles were
there?" "Thirteen," said one little chap. "Thirteen!" repeated the
teacher in astonishment. "I thought there were only twelve!" "St.
Matthew," replied the boy, "tells us the names of twelve, and St. John
gives us the name of the other one--_Verily, that Jesus used to talk to
so much_."