ON THE PRESERVATION OF A GOOD TEMPER IN A HOUSEKEEPER.
There is nothing, which has a more abiding influence on the happiness of
a family, than the preservation of equable and cheerful temper and tones
in the housekeeper. A woman, who is habitually gentle, sympathizing,
forbearing, and cheerful, carries an atmosphere about her, which
imparts a soothing and sustaining influence, and renders it easier for
all to do right, under her administration, than in any other situation.
The writer has known families, where the mother's presence seemed the
sunshine of the circle around her; imparting a cheering and vivifying
power, scarcely realized, till it was withdrawn. Every one, without
thinking of it, or knowing why it was so, experienced a peaceful and
invigorating influence, as soon as he entered the sphere illumined by
her smile, and sustained by her cheering kindness and sympathy. On the
contrary, many a good housekeeper, (good in every respect but this,) by
wearing a countenance of anxiety and dissatisfaction, and by indulging
in the frequent use of sharp and reprehensive tones, more than destroys
all the comfort which otherwise would result from her system, neatness,
and economy.
There is a secret, social sympathy, which every mind, to a greater or
less degree, experiences with the feelings of those around, as they are
manifested by the countenance and voice. A sorrowful, a discontented, or
an angry, countenance, produces a silent, sympathetic influence,
imparting a sombre shade to the mind, while tones of anger or complaint
still more effectually jar the spirits.
No person can maintain a quiet and cheerful frame of mind, while tones
of discontent and displeasure are sounding on the ear. We may gradually
accustom ourselves to the evil, till it is partially diminished; but it
always is an evil, which greatly interferes with the enjoyment of the
family state. There are sometimes cases, where the entrance of the
mistress of a family seems to awaken a slight apprehension, in every
mind around, as if each felt in danger of a reproof, for something
either perpetrated or neglected. A woman, who should go around her house
with a small stinging snapper, which she habitually applied to those
whom she met, would be encountered with feelings very much like to
those which are experienced by the inmates of a family, where the
mistress often uses her countenance and voice, to inflict similar
penalties for duties neglected.
Yet, there are many allowances to be made for housekeepers, who
sometimes imperceptibly and unconsciously fall into such habits. A
woman, who attempts to carry out any plans of system, order, and
economy, and who has her feelings and habits conformed to certain rules,
is constantly liable to have her plans crossed, and her taste violated,
by the inexperience or inattention of those about her. And no
housekeeper, whatever may be her habits, can escape the frequent
recurrence of negligence or mistake, which interferes with her plans. It
is probable, that there is no class of persons, in the world, who have
such incessant trials of temper, and temptations to be fretful, as
American housekeepers. For a housekeeper's business is not, like that of
the other sex, limited to a particular department, for which previous
preparation is made. It consists of ten thousand little disconnected
items, which can never be so systematically arranged, that there is no
daily jostling, somewhere. And in the best-regulated families, it is not
unfrequently the case, that some act of forgetfulness or carelessness,
from some member, will disarrange the business of the whole day, so that
every hour will bring renewed occasion for annoyance. And the more
strongly a woman realizes the value of time, and the importance of
system and order, the more will she be tempted to irritability and
complaint.
The following considerations, may aid in preparing a woman to meet such
daily crosses, with even a cheerful temper and tones.
In the first place, a woman, who has charge of a large household, should
regard her duties as dignified, important, and difficult. The mind is so
made, as to be elevated and cheered by a sense of far-reaching influence
and usefulness. A woman, who feels that she is a cipher, and that it
makes little difference how she performs her duties, has far less to
sustain and invigorate her, than one, who truly estimates the
importance of her station. A man, who feels that the destinies of a
nation are turning on the judgement and skill with which he plans and
executes, has a pressure of motive, and an elevation of feeling, which
are great safeguards from all that is low, trivial, and degrading.
So, an American mother and housekeeper, who looks at her position in the
aspect presented in the previous pages, and who rightly estimates the
long train of influences which will pass down to thousands, whose
destinies, from generation to generation, will be modified by those
decisions of her will, which regulated the temper, principles, and
habits, of her family, must be elevated above petty temptations, which
would otherwise assail her.
Again, a housekeeper should feel that she really has great difficulties
to meet and overcome. A person, who wrongly thinks there is little
danger, can never maintain so faithful a guard, as one who rightly
estimates the temptations which beset her. Nor can one, who thinks that
they are trifling difficulties which she has to encounter, and trivial
temptations, to which she must yield, so much enjoy the just reward of
conscious virtue and self-control, as one who takes an opposite view of
the subject.
A third method, is, for a woman deliberately to calculate on having her
best-arranged plans interfered with, very often; and to be in such a
state of preparation, that the evil will not come unawares. So
complicated are the pursuits, and so diverse the habits of the various
members of a family, that it is almost impossible for every one to avoid
interfering with the plans and taste of a housekeeper, in some one point
or another. It is, therefore, most wise, for a woman to keep the loins
of her mind ever girt, to meet such collisions with a cheerful and quiet
spirit.
Another important rule, is, to form all plans and arrangements in
consistency with the means at command, and the character of those
around. A woman, who has a heedless husband, and young children, and
incompetent domestics, ought not to make such plans, as one may properly
form, who will not, in so many directions, meet embarrassment. She must
aim at just so much as she can probably secure, and no more; and thus
she will usually escape much temptation, and much of the irritation of
disappointment.
The fifth, and a very important, consideration, is, that _system_,
_economy_, and _neatness_, are valuable, only so far as they tend to
promote the comfort and wellbeing of those affected. Some women seem to
act under the impression, that these advantages _must_ be secured, at
all events, even if the comfort of the family be the sacrifice. True, it
is very important that children grow up in habits of system, neatness,
and order; and it is very desirable that the mother give them every
incentive, both by precept and example: but it is still more important,
that they grow up with amiable tempers, that they learn to meet the
crosses of life with patience and cheerfulness; and nothing has a
greater influence to secure this, than a mother's example. Whenever,
therefore, a woman cannot accomplish her plans of neatness and order,
without injury to her own temper, or to the temper of others, she ought
to modify and reduce them, until she can.
The sixth method, relates to the government of the tones of voice. In
many cases, when a woman's domestic arrangements are suddenly and
seriously crossed, it is impossible not to feel some irritation. But it
_is_ always possible to refrain from angry tones. A woman can resolve,
that, whatever happens, she will not speak, till she can do it in a calm
and gentle manner. _Perfect silence_ is a safe resort, when such control
cannot be attained, as enables a person to speak calmly; and this
determination, persevered in, will eventually be crowned with success.
Many persons seem to imagine, that tones of anger are needful, in order
to secure prompt obedience. But observation has convinced the writer
that they are _never_ necessary; that _in all cases_, reproof,
administered in calm tones, would be better. A case will be given in
illustration.
A young girl had been repeatedly charged to avoid a certain arrangement
in cooking. On one day, when company was invited to dine, the direction
was forgotten, and the consequence was, an accident, which disarranged
every thing, seriously injured the principal dish, and delayed dinner
for an hour. The mistress of the family entered the kitchen, just as it
occurred, and, at a glance, saw the extent of the mischief. For a
moment, her eyes flashed, and her cheeks glowed; but she held her peace.
After a minute or so, she gave directions, in a calm voice, as to the
best mode of retrieving the evil, and then left, without a word said to
the offender.
After the company left, she sent for the girl, alone, and in a calm and
kind manner pointed out the aggravations of the case, and described the
trouble which had been caused to her husband, her visiters, and herself.
She then portrayed the future evils which would result from such habits
of neglect and inattention, and the modes of attempting to overcome
them; and then offered a reward for the future, if, in a given time, she
succeeded in improving in this respect. Not a tone of anger was uttered;
and yet the severest scolding of a practised Xantippe could not have
secured such contrition, and determination to reform, as was gained by
this method.
But similar negligence is often visited by a continuous stream of
complaint and reproof, which, in most cases, is met, either by sullen
silence, or impertinent retort, while anger prevents any contrition, or
any resolution of future amendment.
It is very certain, that some ladies do carry forward a most efficient
government, both of children and domestics, without employing tones of
anger; and therefore they are not indispensable, nor on any account
desirable.
Though some ladies, of intelligence and refinement, do fall
unconsciously into such a practice, it is certainly very unlady-like,
and in very bad taste, to _scold_; and the further a woman departs from
all approach to it, the more perfectly she sustains her character as a
lady.
Another method of securing equanimity, amid the trials of domestic life,
is, to cultivate a habit of making allowances for the difficulties,
ignorance, or temptations, of those who violate rule or neglect duty. It
is vain, and most unreasonable, to expect the consideration and care of
a mature mind, in childhood and youth; or that persons, of such limited
advantages as most domestics have enjoyed, should practise proper
self-control, and possess proper habits and principles.
Every parent, and every employer, needs daily to cultivate the spirit
expressed in the Divine prayer, "forgive us our trespasses, as we
forgive those who trespass against us." The same allowances and
forbearance, which we supplicate from our Heavenly Father, and desire
from our fellow-men, in reference to our own deficiencies, we should
constantly aim to extend to all, who cross our feelings and interfere
with our plans.
The last, and most important, mode of securing a placid and cheerful
temper and tones, is, by a right view of the doctrine of a
superintending Providence. All persons are too much in the habit of
regarding the more important events of life, as exclusively under the
control of Perfect Wisdom. But the fall of a sparrow, or the loss of a
hair, they do not feel to be equally the result of His directing agency.
In consequence of this, Christian persons, who aim at perfect and
cheerful submission to heavy afflictions, and who succeed, to the
edification of all about them, are sometimes sadly deficient under petty
crosses. If a beloved child be laid in the grave, even if its death
resulted from the carelessness of a domestic, or of a physician, the eye
is turned from the subordinate agent, to the Supreme Guardian of all,
and to Him they bow, without murmur or complaint. But if a pudding be
burnt, or a room badly swept, or an errand forgotten, then vexation and
complaint are allowed, just as if these events were not appointed by
Perfect Wisdom, as much as the sorer chastisement.
A woman, therefore, needs to cultivate the _habitual_ feeling, that all
the events of her nursery and kitchen, are brought about by the
permission of our Heavenly Father, and that fretfulness or complaint, in
regard to these, is, in fact, complaining and disputing at the
appointments of God, and is really as sinful, as unsubmissive murmurs
amid the sorer chastisements of His hand. And a woman, who cultivates
this habit of referring all the minor trials of life to the wise and
benevolent agency of a Heavenly Parent, and daily seeks His sympathy and
aid, to enable her to meet them with a quiet and cheerful spirit, will
soon find it the perennial spring of abiding peace and content.