ON DOMESTIC MANNERS.
Good-manners are the expressions of benevolence in personal intercourse,
by which we endeavor to promote the comfort and enjoyment of others, and
to avoid all that gives needless uneasiness. It is the exterior
exhibition of the Divine precept, which requires us to do to others, as
we would that they should do to us. It is saying, by our deportment, to
all around, that we consider their feelings, tastes, and convenience, as
equal in value to our own.
Good-manners lead us to avoid all practices which offend the taste of
others; all violations of the conventional rules of propriety; all rude
and disrespectful language and deportment; and all remarks, which would
tend to wound the feelings of another.
There is a serious defect, in the manners of the American people,
especially in the free States, which can never be efficiently remedied,
except in the domestic circle, and during early life. It is a deficiency
in the free expression of kindly feelings and sympathetic emotions, and
a want of courtesy in deportment. The causes, which have led to this
result, may easily be traced.
The forefathers of this Nation, to a wide extent, were men who were
driven from their native land, by laws and customs which they believed
to be opposed both to civil and religious freedom. The sufferings they
were called to endure, the subduing of those gentler feelings which bind
us to country, kindred, and home, and the constant subordination of the
passions to stern principle, induced characters of great firmness and
self-control. They gave up the comforts and refinements of a civilized
country, and came, as pilgrims, to a hard soil, a cold clime, and a
heathen shore. They were continually forced to encounter danger,
privations, sickness, loneliness, and death; and all these, their
religion taught them to meet with calmness, fortitude, and submission.
And thus it became the custom and habit of the whole mass, to repress,
rather than to encourage, the expression of feeling.
Persons who are called to constant and protracted suffering and
privation, are forced to subdue and conceal emotion; for the free
expression of it would double their own suffering, and increase the
sufferings of others. Those, only, who are free from care and anxiety,
and whose minds are mainly occupied by cheerful emotions, are at full
liberty to unveil their feelings.
It was under such stern and rigorous discipline, that the first children
in New England were reared; and the manners and habits of parents are
usually, to a great extent, transmitted to children. Thus it comes to
pass, that the descendants of the Puritans, now scattered over every
part of the Nation, are predisposed to conceal the gentler emotions,
while their manners are calm, decided, and cold, rather than free and
impulsive. Of course, there are very many exceptions to these
predominating results.
The causes, to which we may attribute a general want of courtesy in
manners, are certain incidental results of our democratic institutions.
Our ancestors, and their descendants, have constantly been combating the
aristocratic principle, which would exalt one class of men at the
expense of another. They have had to contend with this principle, not
only in civil, but in social, life. Almost every American, in his own
person, as well as in behalf of his class, has had to assume and defend
the main principle of democracy,--that every man's feelings and
interests are equal in value to those of every other man. But, in doing
this, there has been some want of clear discrimination. Because claims,
based on distinctions of mere birth, fortune, or position, were found to
be injurious, many have gone to the extreme of inferring that all
distinctions, involving subordination, are useless. Such, would regard
children as equals to parents, pupils to teachers, domestics to their
employers, and subjects to magistrates; and that, too, in all respects.
The fact, that certain grades of superiority and subordination are
needful, both for individual and public benefit, has not been clearly
discerned; and there has been a gradual tendency to an extreme, which
has sensibly affected our manners. All the proprieties and courtesies,
which depend on the recognition of the relative duties of superior and
subordinate, have been warred upon; and thus we see, to an increasing
extent, disrespectful treatment of parents, from children; of teachers,
from pupils; of employers, from domestics; and of the aged, from the
young. In all classes and circles, there is a gradual decay in courtesy
of address.
In cases, too, where kindness is rendered, it is often accompanied with
a cold, unsympathizing manner, which greatly lessens its value, while
kindness or politeness is received in a similar style of coolness, as if
it were but the payment of a just due.
It is owing to these causes, that the American people, especially the
inhabitants of New England, do not do themselves justice. For, while
those, who are near enough to learn their real character and feelings,
can discern the most generous impulses, and the most kindly sympathies,
they are so veiled, in a composed and indifferent demeanor, as to be
almost entirely concealed from strangers.
These defects in our national manners, it especially falls to the care
of mothers, and all who have charge of the young, to rectify; and if
they seriously undertake the matter, and wisely adapt means to ends,
these defects will be remedied. With reference to this object, the
following ideas are suggested.
The law of Christianity and of democracy, which teaches that all men are
born equal, and that their interests and feelings should be regarded as
of equal value, seems to be adopted in aristocratic circles, with
exclusive reference to the class in which the individual moves. The
courtly gentleman, addresses all of his own class with politeness and
respect; and, in all his actions, seems to allow that the feelings and
convenience of others are to be regarded, the same as his own. But his
demeanor to those of inferior station, is not based on the same rule.
Among those, who make up aristocratic circles, such as are above them,
are deemed of superior, and such as are below, of inferior, value. Thus,
if a young, ignorant, and vicious coxcomb, happens to be born a lord,
the aged, the virtuous, the learned, and the wellbred, of another class,
must give his convenience the precedence, and must address him in terms
of respect. So, when a man of noble birth is thrown among the lower
classes, he demeans himself in a style, which, to persons of his own
class, would be deemed the height of assumption and rudeness.
Now, the principles of democracy require, that the same courtesy, which
we accord to our own circle, shall be extended to every class and
condition; and that distinctions, of superiority and subordination,
shall depend, not on accidents of birth, fortune, or occupation, but
solely on those relations, which the good of all classes equally
require. The distinctions demanded, in a democratic state, are simply
those, which result from relations, that are common to every class, and
are for the benefit of all.
It is for the benefit of every class, that children be subordinate to
parents, pupils to teachers, the employed to their employers, and
subjects to magistrates. In addition to this, it is for the general
wellbeing, that the comfort or convenience of the delicate and feeble,
should be preferred to that of the strong and healthy, who would suffer
less by any deprivation, and that precedence should be given to their
elders, by the young, and that reverence should be given to the hoary
head.
The rules of good-breeding, in a democratic state, must be founded on
these principles. It is, indeed, assumed, that the value of the
happiness of each individual, is the same as that of every other; but,
as there must be occasions, where there are advantages which all cannot
enjoy, there must be general rules for regulating a selection.
Otherwise, there would be constant scrambling, among those of equal
claims, and brute force must be the final resort; in which case the
strongest would have the best of every thing. The democratic rule, then,
is, that superiors, in age, station, or office, have precedence of
subordinates; age and feebleness, of youth and strength; and the feebler
sex, of more vigorous man.[M]
There is, also, a style of deportment and address, which is appropriate
to these different relations. It is suitable for a superior to secure
compliance with his wishes, from those subordinate to him, by commands;
but a subordinate must secure compliance with his wishes, from a
superior, by requests. It is suitable for a parent, teacher, or
employer, to admonish for neglect of duty; but not for an inferior to
adopt such a course towards a superior. It is suitable for a superior to
take precedence of a subordinate, without any remark; but not for an
inferior, without previously asking leave, or offering an apology. It is
proper for a superior to use language and manners of freedom and
familiarity, which would be improper from a subordinate to a superior.
The want of due regard to these proprieties, occasions the chief defect
in American manners. It is very common to hear children talk to their
parents, in a style proper only between companions and equals; so, also,
the young address their elders, those employed, their employers, and
domestics, the members of the family and their visiters, in a style,
which is inappropriate to their relative positions. A respectful address
is required not merely towards superiors; every person desires to be
treated with courtesy and respect, and therefore, the law of benevolence
demands such demeanor, towards all whom we meet in the social
intercourse of life. "Be ye courteous," is the direction of the Apostle
in reference to our treatment of _all_.
Good-manners can be successfully cultivated, only in early life, and in
the domestic circle. There is nothing which depends so much upon
_habit_, as the constantly recurring proprieties of good-breeding; and,
if a child grows up without forming such habits, it is very rarely the
case that they can be formed at a later period. The feeling, that it is
of little consequence how we behave at home, if we conduct properly
abroad, is a very fallacious one. Persons, who are careless and ill bred
at home, may imagine that they can assume good-manners abroad; but they
mistake. Fixed habits of tone, manner, language, and movements, cannot
be suddenly altered; and those who are illbred at home, even when they
try to hide their bad habits, are sure to violate many of the obvious
rules of propriety, and yet be unconscious of it.
And there is nothing, which would so effectually remove prejudice
against our democratic institutions, as the general cultivation of
good-breeding in the domestic circle. Good-manners are the exterior of
benevolence, the minute and often recurring exhibitions of "peace and
good-will;" and the nation, as well as the individual, which most excels
in the external, as well as the internal, principle, will be most
respected and beloved.
The following are the leading points, which claim attention from those
who have the care of the young.
In the first place, in the family, there should be required, a strict
attention to the rules of precedence, and those modes of address
appropriate to the various relations to be sustained. Children should
always be required to offer their superiors, in age or station, the
precedence in all comforts and conveniences, and always address them in
a respectful tone and manner. The custom of adding "Sir," or "Ma'am," to
"Yes," or "No," is valuable, as a perpetual indication of a respectful
recognition of superiority. It is now going out of fashion, even among
the most wellbred people; probably from a want of consideration of its
importance. Every remnant of courtesy of address, in our customs, should
be carefully cherished, by all who feel a value for the proprieties of
good-breeding.
If parents allow their children to talk to them, and to the grown
persons in the family, in the same style in which they address each
other, it will be vain to hope for the courtesy of manner and tone,
which good-breeding demands in the general intercourse of society. In a
large family, where the elder children are grown up, and the younger are
small, it is important to require the latter to treat the elder as
superiors. There are none, so ready as young children to assume airs of
equality; and, if they are allowed to treat one class of superiors in
age and character disrespectfully, they will soon use the privilege
universally. This is the reason, why the youngest children of a family
are most apt to be pert, forward, and unmannerly.
Another point to be aimed at, is, to require children always to
acknowledge every act of kindness and attention, either by words or
manner. If they are so trained as always to make grateful
acknowledgements, when receiving favors, one of the objectionable
features in American manners will be avoided.
Again, children should be required to ask leave, whenever they wish to
gratify curiosity, or use an article which belongs to another. And if
cases occur, when they cannot comply with the rules of good-breeding,
as, for instance, when they must step between a person and the fire, or
take the chair of an older person, they should be required either to ask
leave, or to offer an apology.
There is another point of good-breeding, which cannot, in all cases, be
understood and applied by children, in its widest extent. It is that,
which requires us to avoid all remarks which tend to embarrass, vex,
mortify, or in any way wound the feelings, of another. To notice
personal defects; to allude to others' faults, or the faults of their
friends; to speak disparagingly of the sect or party to which a person
belongs; to be inattentive, when addressed in conversation; to
contradict flatly; to speak in contemptuous tones of opinions expressed
by another;--all these, are violations of the rules of good-breeding,
which children should be taught to regard. Under this head, comes the
practice of whispering, and staring about, when a teacher, or lecturer,
or clergyman, is addressing a class or audience. Such inattention, is
practically saying, that what the person is uttering is not worth
attending to; and persons of real good-breeding always avoid it. Loud
talking and laughing, in a large assembly, even when no exercises are
going on; yawning and gaping in company; and not looking in the face a
person who is addressing you, are deemed marks of ill-breeding.
Another branch of good-manners, relates to the duties of hospitality.
Politeness requires us to welcome visiters with cordiality; to offer
them the best accommodations; to address conversation to them; and to
express, by tone and manner, kindness and respect. Offering the hand to
all visiters, at one's own house, is a courteous and hospitable custom;
and a cordial shake of the hand, when friends meet, would abate much of
the coldness of manner ascribed to Americans.
The last point of good-breeding, to be noticed, refers to the
conventional rules of propriety and good taste. Of these, the first
class relates to the avoidance of all disgusting or offensive personal
habits, such as fingering the hair; cleaning the teeth or nails; picking
the nose; spitting on carpets; snuffing, instead of using a
handkerchief, or using the article in an offensive manner; lifting up
the boots or shoes, as some men do, to tend them on the knee, or to
finger them;--all these tricks, either at home or in society, children
should be taught to avoid.
Another branch, under this head, may be called _table manners_. To
persons of good-breeding, nothing is more annoying, than violating the
conventional proprieties of the table. Reaching over another person's
plate; standing up, to reach distant articles, instead of asking to have
them passed; using one's own knife, and spoon, for butter, salt, or
sugar, when it is the custom of the family to provide separate utensils
for the purpose; setting cups, with tea dripping from them, on the
tablecloth, instead of the mats or small plates furnished; using the
tablecloth, instead of the napkins; eating fast, and in a noisy manner;
putting large pieces in the mouth; looking and eating as if very hungry,
or as if anxious to get at certain dishes; sitting at too great a
distance from the table, and dropping food; laying the knife and fork on
the tablecloth, instead of on the bread, or the edge of the plate;--all
these particulars, children should be taught to avoid. It is always
desirable, too, to require children, when at table with grown persons,
to be silent, except when addressed by others; or else their chattering
will interrupt the conversation and comfort of their elders. They should
always be required, too, to wait, _in silence_, till all the older
persons are helped.
All these things should be taught to children, gradually, and with great
patience and gentleness. Some parents, with whom good-manners is a great
object, are in danger of making their children perpetually
uncomfortable, by suddenly surrounding them with so many rules, that
they must inevitably violate some one or other, a great part of the
time. It is much better to begin with a few rules, and be steady and
persevering with these, till a habit is formed, and then take a few
more, thus making the process easy and gradual. Otherwise, the temper of
children will be injured; or, hopeless of fulfilling so many
requisitions, they will become reckless and indifferent to all.
But, in reference to those who have enjoyed advantages for the
cultivation of good-manners, and who duly estimate its importance, one
caution is necessary. Those, who never have had such habits formed in
youth, are under disadvantages, which no benevolence of temper can
remedy. They may often violate the tastes and feelings of others, not
from a want of proper regard for them, but from ignorance of custom, or
want of habit, or abstraction of mind, or from other causes, which
demand forbearance and sympathy, rather than displeasure. An ability to
bear patiently with defects in manners, and to make candid and
considerate allowance for a want of advantages, or for peculiarities in
mental habits, is one mark of the benevolence of real good-breeding.
The advocates of monarchical and aristocratic institutions, have always
had great plausibility given to their views, by the seeming tendencies
to insubordination and bad-manners, of our institutions. And it has been
too indiscriminately conceded, by the defenders of the latter, that such
are these tendencies, and that the offensive points, in American
manners, are the necessary result of democratic principles.
But it is believed, that both facts and reasoning are in opposition to
this opinion. The following extract from the work of De Tocqueville,
exhibits the opinion of an impartial observer, when comparing American
manners with those of the English, who are confessedly the most
aristocratic of all people.
He previously remarks on the tendency of aristocracy to make men more
sympathizing with persons of their own peculiar class, and less so
towards those of lower degree; and he then contrasts American manners
with the English, claiming that the Americans are much the most affable,
mild, and social. "In America, where the privileges of birth never
existed, and where riches confer no peculiar rights on their possessors,
men acquainted with each other are very ready to frequent the same
places, and find neither peril nor advantage in the free interchange of
their thoughts. If they meet, by accident, they neither seek nor avoid
intercourse; their manner is therefore natural, frank, and open." "If
their demeanor is often cold and serious, it is never haughty or
constrained." But an "aristocratic pride is still extremely great among
the English; and, as the limits of aristocracy are ill-defined, every
body lives in constant dread, lest advantage should be taken of his
familiarity. Unable to judge, at once, of the social position of those
he meets, an Englishman prudently avoids all contact with them. Men are
afraid, lest some slight service rendered should draw them into an
unsuitable acquaintance; they dread civilities, and they avoid the
obtrusive gratitude of a stranger, as much as his hatred."
Thus, _facts_ seem to show that when the most aristocratic nation in the
world is compared, as to manners, with the most democratic, the
judgement of strangers is in favor of the latter.
And if good-manners are the outward exhibition of the democratic
principle of impartial benevolence and equal rights, surely the nation
which adopts this rule, both in social and civil life, is the most
likely to secure the desirable exterior. The aristocrat, by his
principles, extends the exterior of impartial benevolence to his own
class, only; the democratic principle, requires it to be extended _to
all_.
There is reason, therefore, to hope and expect more refined and polished
manners in America, than in any other land; while all the developements
of taste and refinement, such as poetry, music, painting, sculpture, and
architecture, it may be expected, will come to a higher state of
perfection, here, than in any other nation.
If this Country increases in virtue and intelligence, as it may, there
is no end to the wealth which will pour in as the result of our
resources of climate, soil, and navigation, and the skill, industry,
energy, and enterprise, of our countrymen. This wealth, if used as
intelligence and virtue dictate, will furnish the means for a superior
education to all classes, and every facility for the refinement of
taste, intellect, and feeling.
Moreover, in this Country, labor is ceasing to be the badge of a lower
class; so that already it is disreputable for a man to be "a lazy
gentleman." And this feeling must increase, till there is such an
equalisation of labor, as will afford all the time needful for every
class to improve the many advantages offered to them. Already, in
Boston, through the munificence of some of her citizens, there are
literary and scientific advantages, offered to all classes, rarely
enjoyed elsewhere. In Cincinnati, too, the advantages of education, now
offered to the poorest classes, without charge, surpass what, some years
ago, most wealthy men could purchase, for any price. And it is believed,
that a time will come, when the poorest boy in America can secure
advantages, which will equal what the heir of the proudest peerage can
now command.
The records of the courts of France and Germany, (as detailed by the
Duchess of Orleans,) in and succeeding the brilliant reign of Louis the
Fourteenth,--a period which was deemed the acme of elegance and
refinement,--exhibit a grossness, a vulgarity, and a coarseness, not to
be found among the lowest of our respectable poor. And the biography of
Beau Nash, who attempted to reform the manners of the gentry, in the
times of Queen Anne, exhibits violations of the rules of decency among
the aristocracy, which the commonest yeoman of this Land would feel
disgraced in perpetrating.
This shows, that our lowest classes, at this period, are more refined,
than were the highest in aristocratic lands, a hundred years ago; and
another century may show the lowest classes, in wealth, in this Country,
attaining as high a polish, as adorns those who now are leaders of
good-manners in the courts of kings.
FOOTNOTE:
[M] The universal practice of this Nation, in thus giving precedence to
woman, has been severely commented on by Miss Martineau and some others,
who would transfer all the business of the other sex to women, and then
have them treated like men. May this evidence of our superior
civilisation and Christianity increase, rather than diminish!