woman may have _Miss_ in parenthesis before the name.
Envelopes should be addressed to the recipient with the full name and
necessary prefix—-_Mr._, _Mrs._, or _Miss_.
The _Mr._, however, must be omitted if _Esq._ is written after the
name. The English custom limits the use of Esquire to those who are
technically gentlemen. For example, _Esq._ is placed after the name
in addressing a barrister, but it must not be used in writing to a
tradesman, who is given only the prefix _Mr._
The prefix _Mr._ is used when Junior or Senior is indicated after the
name by an abbreviation. In such case, _Esq._ must never be written.
It must be noted also that in the case of addresses, as with cards, to
which attention has already been given, the husband’s title must not
be given to the wife. _Mrs. Colonel_, _Mrs. Doctor_, _Mrs. Professor_,
and the like, are barbarisms, which are not tolerated in America or
England. The Germans, however, use them.
The phrase before the signature to a letter varies according to the
circumstances, and especially according to the individual taste.
Thus, in concluding a very formal communication, it is quite proper
to use the old-fashioned wording, _I am, my dear Madam, your obedient
servant_. An ordinary convenient form that covers a wide field is,
_I remain_, _Yours sincerely_, or _Yours faithfully_, or _Yours
cordially_, writing _I remain_ on one line, and the _Yours_, etc., on
the line below. Thus:
_I remain,
Yours sincerely,_
_Yours truly_, or _Very truly yours_, is best reserved for business
communications. _Yours respectfully_ is applicable for business
communications, and also for letters addressed to superiors, and for
use generally as a rather meaningless style.
Men of exalted position are commonly addressed as _Sir_ without any
qualifying word. And the form in ending is, _I have, Sir, the honor to
remain Your most obedient servant_—_Your_, etc., forming a separate
line.
A letter of a social sort would begin, _My dear Mr. President_.
The like form would suffice for the vice-president, except for a letter
of social character, when he should be addressed by name, _My dear Mr.
........................_.
A justice of the supreme court, a senator, a member of the house of
representatives, a cabinet officer, the governor of a state, etc., all
have the same formal _Sir_ as the address and the corresponding phrase
in conclusion. But there is variation in the address when the letter
is of social import. The justice may be addressed _My dear Justice
................._, or _Dear Mr. Justice ................._.
The senator is addressed _My dear Senator ......................._. The
representative in congress is addressed _My dear Mr. ................_.
On the envelope, the forms are respectively _Mr. Justice
..................._, _Senator ......................._, _Hon.
.............._ (for the congressman).
The social letter to a cabinet officer addresses him by name, _My dear
................._, and has on the envelope _Hon._ preceding the name
and his official designation following it.
A governor is usually addressed _My dear Governor
......................._. And the envelope should have the title
preceding the name.
In all cases except that of the President, the conclusion of a social
letter is a simple form such as, _I remain, Yours very sincerely_.
A mayor is addressed either as _Sir_, or _Your Honor_, in formal
communications, and as _My dear Mayor ................._ in social
correspondence. The envelope properly gives him a full designation,
_His Honor the Mayor of ...................._. The name follows,
written on a lower line.
The form of address is the same for both official and social letters
in the case of a Roman Catholic archbishop: _Most Reverend and Dear
Sir_. The conclusion should run: _I have the honor to remain Your
obedient servant_—_Your_, etc., being written on a lower line. The
envelope carries _The Most Reverend ......................., Archbishop
of .................._.
All letters to a cardinal begin _Your Eminence_. The conclusion is the
same as to an archbishop. The envelope reads _His Eminence Cardinal
........................_.
For a Roman Catholic bishop all letters begin _Right Reverend and
Dear Sir_. The conclusion is that used for the preceding prelates.
On the envelope: _The Right Reverend .................., Bishop of
..........._.
A Protestant bishop, also, is addressed _Right Reverend and Dear
Sir_ officially, but a social letter begins _My dear Bishop
...................._. The conclusion may take the form given for Roman
Catholic dignitaries, but for social letters it is sufficient to write,
_I remain Yours sincerely_. The envelope reads: _The Right Reverend
................, Bishop of ............................_.
Both priests and Protestant clergymen are officially addressed:
_Reverend and Dear Sir_. But, in a social letter, the beginning
is _Dear Father .................._, in the case of a priest;
while the Protestant minister is addressed as _Dear Mr.
........................_, or _Dear Doctor ...................._, if
he has such a title. The conclusion for either need be no more than:
_I remain, Yours very sincerely_. The envelope bears, _The Reverend
......................_.
The possession of degrees may be indicated by writing the proper
initials after the name. Where the clergyman has the degree of Doctor,
this is sometimes used as an abbreviation preceding the name—_The
Reverend Dr. ........................._.
LUNCHEONS
THE ETIQUETTE for a luncheon is essentially the same as that for a
breakfast, which has already been described. But the luncheon at
present enjoys a popularity that is distinctive in one respect:
it serves conveniently very often as a function wholly for the
entertainment of feminine guests.
The usual hour for a luncheon is from one to two o’clock. The
invitations, unless the affair is to be quite informal, should be sent
out ten days before the date set. As in the case of a breakfast, the
invitation may be sent on a visiting-card, writing below the name:
_Luncheon at one o’clock
April the fourth_
For an especially formal affair, the invitation should be engraved
on square white cards of large size, similar to those employed for
dinner-invitations.
_Mrs. George Vinton Thorne
requests the pleasure of
........................................
company at luncheon
on ..............................
at .......................... o’clock
Eleven Green Street_
A note written in the first person may convey the invitation, if the
hostess prefers this manner.
The acceptance or refusal of an invitation may be in the third person,
following the examples given in the chapter on dinners, or it may be
written as a note in the first person. In either case, the method used
in the invitation itself must govern the style of the reply.
At the more formal luncheon, the menu may be elaborate, with oysters,
bouillon, fish, and other courses following to any desired extent,
but care must be taken always that the general character of the
viands served must not be oversubstantial. The meal should be of a
distinctively lighter sort as compared with dinner.
The women guests usually wear their most effective frocks. Wraps are
left in the cloak-room provided, or, if this is lacking, in the hall.
The hats are not removed, but the veil is either pushed up out of the
way, or removed, according to the wearer’s pleasure. The gloves are
taken off after arrival at table, and left in the lap, covered by the
napkin.
A guest should remain for at least half an hour after the completion
of the meal, and from this minimum of time up to an hour or perhaps a
little longer, according to the particular circumstances.
The farewell of each guest should, of course, contain some phrase
expressing appreciation of the hospitality enjoyed.
MOURNING
THERE IS ROOM for so much variety in the expression of personal tastes
as to the matter of mourning that hard-and-fast rules are of doubtful
value. There is, however, some degree of exactness as to the dress
suitable for widows, although, even in this connection, individual
choice and the changes of fashion exert their influence to the display
of differing modes.
The widow’s mourning may be divided into three periods, termed
respectively first, second and third.
The first mourning includes the entire costume in black. Usually,
the material of the dress is of worsted, with a trimming of crêpe.
The black bonnet is of crêpe, and from it hangs a long veil, also of
crêpe. Formerly, these veils were of extreme length, reaching even to
the hem of the gown. The tendency has been, however, toward shortening
the veil, and the present fashion insists on only a moderate length.
Another veil, worn over the face, was formerly both long and heavy, but
the style has been modified, and at present it is of lighter texture
and of much briefer proportions. The bonnet has white ruching within
the front edge, and the gown is trimmed with sheer white cuffs, and a
collar of the same material.
The gloves must be of dull black, and ornaments of dull jet, with a
black-bordered handkerchief.
This first mourning should be worn for a full year. A change may then
be made to second mourning, in which the dress may be of crêpe de chine
or dull silk, with a hat carrying black chiffon, etc., and ornaments of
dull jet.
The third mourning is assumed after another six months. In this white
and lilac are permitted to relieve the somberness of the attire. This
mourning is worn for a period of six months, also, after which colors
may be resumed.
It should be noted that the white ruche on the bonnet is the one
distinctive feature of the first mourning that designates the wearer as
a widow. A woman may wear exactly the same costume, with the exception
of this white ruche on the bonnet, in the mourning for a parent, a
child, a brother or a sister.
The period for wearing mourning in such case, and the changes in it,
may follow the details given above for widows.
Mourning for a parent-in-law is black, with the crêpe omitted. This is
worn for only a month, and is followed by any preferred combinations of
black and white, relieved by lilac, for a fortnight or a little longer.
The mourning for close relatives worn by a young unmarried woman does
not include the bonnet and veil. Instead, a hat trimmed with crêpe is
worn, and a black net veil over the face is trimmed with crêpe. After
six months or a year, the crêpe is omitted from hat and veil, and also
from the gown. Black and white and lilac are then deemed suitable.
Usually, however, the older unmarried women wear the veil and bonnet of
the first mourning, as do widows, but with the white ruche omitted.
Mourning is not usually adopted when the death is of relatives-in-law
or of a grandparent.
Three months is ordinarily sufficient for mourning in the case of an
uncle or aunt, and it does not include crêpe. Ornaments may be worn,
though preferably of a very quiet sort.
In general, it is well to bear in mind that mourning should not be
worn except for the members of one’s immediate family. Of course, the
particular circumstances in each case must be a determining factor. For
example, while mourning is not customarily worn for a cousin, yet a
girl who had made a home with such a relative might appropriately wear
mourning as for her own mother.
Crêpe is not deemed suitable for girls not yet old enough for a formal
entrance into society, and children should be spared the lugubrious
trappings of woe in every case. But a girl about sixteen years of age,
on the death of a member of the family, appropriately wears a black
dress, relieved only by touches of white, and a black hat, with dull
black ribbons. She should leave off jewelry, but she should not carry a
handkerchief with black border.
The mourning for a widower is often divided into two periods. During
the first, black is worn throughout in the costume, with white linen.
The hat-band is of crêpe. The present tendency is to make this band
much narrower than it was of yore. It is left off altogether after
a year, or perhaps eight months, as the second mourning begins. The
second mourning permits the use of gray and white in the costume. A
man’s mourning for a child, parent, brother or sister may continue for
a full year, or it may be put off after six months according to his
choice. The mourning includes a hat-band of crêpe. If a man wishes to
wear mourning for a more distant relative, he may use the black and
white and gray of the widower’s second period, but men ordinarily do
not assume mourning for any except closest relations.
A mourning band on the sleeve is sometimes worn by men, but it is
impossible to describe its significance from the standpoint of
propriety, since it is worn equally for those most closely related and
for those most distantly, without distinction, and since it is a custom
derived originally from England, where it serves as a cheap method of
providing mourning liveries for servants.
After the loss of a close relation, a woman pays no calls for six
months. After that time, she may visit her intimates, but not on their
at-home days. She may also attend concerts and theater matinées and
the like, in a very quiet way. After a year, she may appear at small
dinners, and at the theater in the evening, and the like. But box
parties and all the elaborate functions, such for example as balls,
must not be resumed until the period of mourning has expired.
Elderly women are likely to prefer a mourning garb for the remainder
of their lifetime, after the death of a husband. In such cases, after
perhaps two years, the widow’s bonnet and veil are given up, and nun’s
veiling is substituted. While the gown remains black, the crêpe is
omitted from it, and the mourning handkerchief is no longer carried.
Jewelry is worn, but not of an ostentatious kind.
MUSICALES
THE MUSICALE is merely a formal at home where music is made a special
feature of the entertainment. Throughout, the procedure is that of an
at home, and the details are to be found in full in the chapter under
that heading. The only formal difference is in the wording of the
invitation, which makes mention of music as the feature.
The invitations are engraved, and may take either of the two usual
forms, according to the choice of the hostess.
_Mrs. George H. Baxter
requests the pleasure of
.......................................
company
at a musicale
on Friday evening, May first
at half-past nine o’clock
Twenty-seven Maple Street_
Or the at-home form may be used as follows:
_Mr. and Mrs. George H. Baxter
At Home
Friday evening, May first
at half-past nine o’clock
Twenty-seven Maple Street
Music_
Such an affair in the evening is often of the most elaborate character,
and is essentially a concert. But a musicale may be given with equal
propriety in the afternoon. The form for engraved invitations is
precisely the same, with the single exception of the hours named, for
the afternoon entertainment specifies the time as _from four until
seven o’clock_.
For a less formal occasion, a hostess may extend her invitations by
sending a visiting-card, on which she writes, below her name, _Friday,
May first, four to seven o’clock_, and underneath this the single word
_Music_. Or in place of the word _Music_, she may write _To hear_
.............. adding the name of a particular performer.
The obligations of the guests follow in all respects those to which
attention has been already given under the title “At Homes.” Thus, in
the matter of costumes, the usage resembles that explained concerning
correct garb for both afternoon and evening receptions in the earlier
chapter.
It might be well to emphasize the fact that no direct reply is required
for an invitation announcing that the hostess will be at home on a
certain date. But the case is quite otherwise when that form of
invitation is employed which requests the pleasure of the guest’s
company. This demands a prompt answer, whether of acceptance or of
refusal, which should be couched in the third person. Thus:
_Mr. and Mrs. Henry Sage Beckett
accept with pleasure
Mrs. Baxter’s kind invitation
for May first
Nineteen Wentworth Square
April twenty-first, 1919_
Or, in the event of inability to accept, or disinclination, the answer
should run as follows:
_Mr. and Mrs. Henry Sage Beckett
regret that a previous engagement
prevents their acceptance
of Mrs. Baxter’s kind invitation
for May first
Nineteen Wentworth Square
April twenty-first, 1919_
OPERA
A SUFFICIENT FORM for an invitation to an opera party will be found in
the chapter on the theater, which needs only a verbal change to specify
the particular performance at the opera instead of at the playhouse.
In general, also, the procedure suited to attendance at the theater
is to be followed in connection with the opera. But there are certain
differences that should be regarded.
The dress for the opera is more formal than for the theater, generally
speaking. The man, for example, usually keeps his white gloves on. The
woman, for her part, wears a gown that is sleeveless and decolleté, and
displays jewels according to her means or taste. An aigrette takes the
place of the hat that may be worn to the theater. Nevertheless, it is
quite permissible for a woman occupying a stall in the orchestra at the
opera to wear a costume of the sort commonly seen at the theater.
Visiting at the opera is a distinctive feature, facilitated as it is
by the number of boxes, so greatly in excess of those with which the
theater is supplied. For it is with the boxes that this visiting is
chiefly concerned, though it reaches to some extent to the orchestra
stalls.
Between acts is the proper time for such calls, which are usually, but
not exclusively, paid by men. A gentleman may call on a lady of his
acquaintance in a box, though she is a guest of a host or hostess who
is not known to him. In such case, the woman to whom he pays the visit
must introduce him to her entertainer. But an introduction of the sort
is merely formal, and entails no necessity of subsequent recognition by
either party.
No more than five minutes, or even less, should be given to
such calls, but some discretion is permitted by the particular
circumstances. Thus, where there are many coming and going, the time
should be shorter than when there are few other visitors, or none. The
call should never extend beyond the end of the intermission.
Since an opera box is equipped with a vestibule of its own, the
women do not leave their wraps in the cloak-room, but wait until
their arrival at the box, when they are taken off in the vestibule.
Afterward, on entering the box, the chaperon and other older women
precede the younger, and are offered the choice of seats. But they
usually prefer the less conspicuous positions, and the chairs at
the rail are given to the débutantes, or younger matrons. The exact
arrangement is always a matter for the display of tact on the part of
host or hostess.
Visiting among the stalls is necessarily more limited, but is practised
to any extent rendered convenient by location.
In such visiting, the ordinary amenities of social intercourse are to
be observed. The men, for example, must stand when a lady enters the
box in which they are seated, and they should remain standing until her
departure, or until she has taken a chair.
PRIVATE THEATRICALS
PRIVATE THEATRICALS are usually the feature of an evening function.
The form of invitation is exactly the same as for a musicale, with the
one exception in substituting _Theatricals at ten o’clock_. The phrase
appears thus in the at-home form of announcement. When the invitation
requests the pleasure of the guest’s company, _At Private Theatricals_
is preferred as the descriptive statement.
On occasions when the theatricals are to be followed by a dance, the
word _Dancing_ is added at the bottom of the card.
The letters _R.s.v.p._ are commonly employed in connection with such
invitations, and their appearance on the card emphasizes the necessity
of a written reply.
RECEPTIONS
ALL DETAILS of the etiquette that has to do with receptions, whether
they are held in the afternoon or in the evening, are carefully
described in the chapter treating various forms of the at home.
SMOKING
A GUEST in the home of another must not smoke unless invited to do so
by host or hostess.
A man in the presence of a lady must not smoke unless he asks for, and
receives, permission to do so.
A man should not smoke when walking with a woman in public.
A man must not converse while holding cigar, pipe, or cigarette in his
mouth.
STAIRS
IN A FORMER generation, women hid their ankles, and gave brief glimpses
of them only by accident or naughty design. It was then required of a
gentleman that he should precede a lady in ascending stairs. To-day,
fashion has cleared away all mystery concerning feminine ankles, and a
gentleman is permitted to follow the lady as she mounts the stairs.
STREET ETIQUETTE
WHEN A MAN and woman walk together in the street, the man’s proper
position is usually on the side toward the curb, and he maintains this
place also when walking with two women. He should never station himself
between them, unless under the informal circumstances of a country
road, or the like.
In the day time, a man does not offer a woman his arm when they walk
together, though of course he should give her the support of his hand
under her elbow when such assistance is obviously required, as in
mounting the steps of a car. But in the evening a man properly offers
his arm to a woman when they are to walk together, and she lays her
hand on his forearm. They should never hook arms.
When a man and woman who are acquainted with each other meet in the
street, it is the woman’s place to extend recognition by a nod and
smile, which latter varies from coldness to warmth according to
her will. On receiving such recognition, for which in any formal
acquaintance he must wait, the man raises his hat, and at the same time
bows.
When a man is walking with a woman, he must salute in the same fashion
any others that pass who recognize either himself or his companion,
except that where the person is not an acquaintance of his own, he
merely lifts his hat without bowing.
When a man encounters a woman on the street, and wishes to talk with
her, he should not detain her, but with her permission should turn and
walk beside her. The woman, however, is privileged thus to retain the
man in conversation, but she should withdraw to one side, out of the
way of passers-by.
In escorting a woman in a car, the man should assist her to enter, and
then follow. But in leaving, he precedes her and descends first, then
turning to help her down.
Good sense must determine the precise conduct for propriety in various
circumstances. Ordinarily, where a couple cannot well walk side by
side, the man follows behind the woman. But where the way is difficult
for any reason, he goes in advance—as, for example, when it becomes
necessary to force the way through a crowd.
Some men make a point of standing uncovered throughout the length of
any conversation with a woman in the street. This mode is not to be
encouraged, especially in the inclement northern winter. Merely raising
the hat at meeting and again at parting is quite sufficient.
TABLE MANNERS
DEPORTMENT AT TABLE is the most important single item in the total of
good manners. Yet, the requirements are very simple—so simple indeed
that there is little excuse for those who fail in them.
It should hardly be necessary to say that the position must be one of
well-balanced erectness. A man’s hands should be kept in his lap when
not busy. So of a woman’s—formerly. Of recent years, a new custom has
crept in, and it is common to see a woman’s forearm or elbow resting at
ease on the table.
The napkin is only partly unfolded, and laid across the lap. In the
case of a woman, it covers her gloves, which she has taken off on
seating herself. At the end of the meal, the crumpled napkin is laid
beside the plate. But, when making an extended stay with friends, the
napkin is folded if the host and hostess fold theirs in preparation for
use at another meal.