laid within it. Three forks are laid to the left of the plate, with
prongs up. Two steel knives are to the right of the plate, and then a
silver knife, the edge of each to the left. A soup spoon follows the
silver knife, and then an oyster fork. Other utensils are sometimes
added, but are not necessary.
A goblet for water is placed before the knives. With it are grouped
whatever wine glasses may be required. A small card lying on the napkin
carries the name of the guest to be seated here.
When dinner is announced, the host offers his arm to the woman who is
to sit on his right, and leads the way to the dining-room. Already, in
welcoming the guests, the hostess has made known the dinner-partners,
introducing them when necessary. These now follow in pairs to the
dining-room. The hostess brings up the rear. The guests find their
places by the cards.
The hostess does not rise in greeting a late arrival, even a woman. But
the host does, and sees to the seating of the laggard.
It has long been the custom for the ladies to leave the dining-room
after the fruit course, and to have coffee served in the drawing-room.
In such case, the men stand until the women have passed out.
Afterward, they seat themselves where they please, and smoking is
permitted. The present-day tendency, however, is toward lessening
the time of this separation and often doing away with it altogether,
especially at less formal dinners, which otherwise follow an
essentially identical routine.
Both host and hostess must say farewell, standing, with a handclasp, to
each guest.
As for the guest, his first duty is to arrive exactly on time. Fifteen
minutes of delay is the limit.
On ceremonious occasions, the hostess writes a lady’s name on a card,
and places it in an envelope. This is given to the male guest on his
arrival by a servant, and from it he learns the identity of the one he
is to take in to dinner. When the dinner is announced, he offers his
arm, and escorts the woman into the dining-room, where he pulls out her
chair, and stands until she is seated.
It is permissible for dinner-partners, after the opening courses, to
give some attention to their other immediate neighbors.
A guest is free to leave at any time after the conclusion of the
dinner. Usually, an hour is long enough to remain after the meal is
ended.
In taking leave, the guest must express a courteous appreciation of the
hospitality that has been extended.
“I am under deep obligation to you, Mrs. Johnson, for a most delightful
evening.”
This, or any similar pleasant phrases of gratitude, will serve. The
words of appreciation should be particularly addressed to the hostess
always.
Evening dress is required for all guests at a formal dinner. For
men, the regulation swallow-tail is imperative. The wearing of a
dinner-jacket is not allowable on any occasion of ceremony.
GARDEN-PARTIES
GARDEN-PARTIES are probably destined to grow in popularity in this
century, for they offer one of the simplest and most pleasant forms of
entertainment during those seasons when the outdoors is attractive.
For such an affair, the hostess sends out invitations about ten days
beforehand. These may be engraved on white bristol board, in which case
either one of two forms is permissible.
_Mrs. Melville Stratton
At Home
Friday afternoon, April third
from four until seven o’clock
Garden-Party Nine Park Square_
Or:
_Mrs. Melville Stratton
requests the pleasure of
.............................
company on Friday afternoon
April third
from four until seven o’clock
Garden-Party Nine Park Square_
If less pretentiousness is preferred for the occasion, the hostess may
merely use a visiting-card. Below her name she writes:
_Garden-Party, April third, four to
seven o’clock._
Still a third method of issuing the invitations is by means of a short
note, written in the first person.
The formal engraved invitation demands a prompt reply, written in
the third person. An acceptance might properly take this mode of
expression:
_Mr. and Mrs. Clinton Brewster
accept with pleasure
Mrs. Stratton’s kind invitation
for April third.
Thirty Abernethey Row
May twenty-fifth, 1919_
A refusal might be in the following form:
_Mr. and Mrs. Clinton Brewster
regret that a previous engagement
prevents their acceptance
of Mrs. Stratton’s kind invitation
for April third
Thirty Abernethey Row
May twenty-fifth, 1919_
When the invitation is by means of the visiting-card, an answer is not
obligatory. Yet, it is well to acknowledge this form of invitation,
also, by sending a short note written in the first person, either
accepting or refusing.
Of course, when the invitation itself takes the form of a note, the
answer should follow the same style.
It is part of the duty of the hostess to put her house in order, as
well as the grounds. The guests on arriving may, in many cases, go
within before greeting the hostess, to lay aside wraps or heavy veils.
Moreover, weather conditions may make it necessary to seek shelter
indoors. It is often convenient also to have the refreshments set
out on the porch. These should include hot and cold tea, punch or
claret-cup, cakes, sandwiches, salads, fruits in season, and the like,
which are partaken of by the guests according to their pleasure.
Or a marquée may shelter the refreshments—a tent roof set up at any
desired place on the lawn.
The hostess receives her guests on the lawn. She wears an afternoon
gown, suitable for the season, and a hat. But, if she prefers, she may
leave off the hat, and use a parasol in its stead.
The women guests, too, wear their most effective afternoon gowns and
also hats and veils and gloves, which are not taken off.
The men may wear frock or morning coats and silk hats, and this garb
is common at garden-parties in England. In this country, however, more
comfortable clothes are popular, and flannels, or other fabrics of
light material, are favored.
Guests leave their cards on a tray provided for that purpose in the
hallway of the house. The requirements concerning cards have already
been fully explained in the chapters on cards and at homes.
After greeting the hostess, a guest must remain for at least twenty
minutes, and may properly continue on throughout the whole afternoon.
Discretion should be used in the matter of saying farewell. It should
be omitted if the hostess is occupied. If she is free, good-bye may be
spoken, and with it a phrase in appreciation of the hospitality.
HOUSE-PARTIES
THE HOUSE-PARTY is made up of any number of guests, from half a dozen
to a score, and may be merely for a few days or for any desired length
of time. But, whatever is to be the length of the guest’s stay, it
should be specifically stated in the invitation. It is a common saying
that an invitation that sets no time for the visit is no invitation at
all, and the saying is quite true.
So, in writing her invitation, a hostess mentions the exact day for
the guest’s arrival, and, as well, the exact day of departure. The
invitation is always a note written in the first person. The following
may serve as an illustration:
_The Oaks, Hyde Park.
April 10, 1919._
_Dear Mrs. Ashland:_
_I should be delighted to have you come to us for the
next week-end, and I hope that there is no previous
engagement to prevent your giving us this pleasure._
_The best train for you to take from the city is the
one leaving at three in the afternoon. Mr. Lawrence
will meet this at the station here on Friday._
_In eager anticipation of your visit, believe me,_
_Cordially yours,
Ella Lawrence_
The guest’s answer to the invitation must be of the promptest, whether
it accepts or rejects the proposal of a visit. It should, of course, be
written in the first person. The wording is a matter for the individual
taste, and the form following is offered merely as a suggestion.
_47 Tremont St.,
New York._
_April 11, 1919._
_Dear Mrs. Lawrence:_
_I am more pleased than I can tell you to receive your
kind invitation, since there is nothing to prevent my
acceptance of it. I shall take the three o’clock train
on Friday afternoon for Hyde Park, and I am looking
forward very eagerly to being with you so soon._
_Yours sincerely,
Roberta Ashland_
The declination of the invitation should contain some fitting
expression of regret, and an explanation as to the causes that render
an acceptance impossible.
It is imperative that a girl should be met at the station by her host
in person, or, if convenient, preferably by the hostess, or perhaps by
both. But this attention is not obligatory in the case of a married
couple or with a bachelor guest. But these, too, should be met at the
station by a servant if not by the host, and duly conveyed to the house
where they are to be entertained.
The guest on arrival should be welcomed at the entrance by the hostess,
if she has not been to the station, and after the greetings she escorts
the guest, if this is a woman, to the chamber she is to occupy, and
there leaves her to freshen herself after the journey.
When the luggage is brought in, a competent maid will unpack it and
distribute the contents through the drawers of the bureau and in the
closet, and render such other services as may be required. A less
competent maid can at least unstrap the luggage, remove trays, and help
in the disposal of the contents.
In the case of a man, after being greeted by his hostess, he is
conducted to his room by the host.
The wardrobe requirements for the visitor at a house-party are
regulated by the probable nature of the entertainment that will be
provided, by the season of the year, and by the particular social
status of the hosts. No hard-and-fast rule can be given. Thus, where a
woman visits a country house for a few days in the summer, she needs
no larger wardrobe than can be carried in the tiniest of trunks,
suitcase and hat-box. The hat used for traveling will serve her also on
occasion during the visit, but she will need in addition a sport-hat
for tramping or out-door games and another hat of sufficient elegance
for wear at a lawn party or wherever more elaborate dress is necessary.
The frocks should follow the lines thus indicated, and there should
be a sufficiency of dainty waists and footgear besides the inevitable
decolleté gowns for evening wear.
For the man, also, evening clothes are essential, and he should be
provided with flannels, besides the business suit in which he travels.
For winter, the change in season would demand a corresponding change
in the matter of dress, especially for out of doors.
The hostess plans sufficient entertainment for her guests, but, if
she is discreet, she does not plan too many things. It is customary
to leave the mornings to the devices of the guests, to be occupied by
them according to their individual pleasure. Where a morning start is
required on some expedition, such as a picnic, the hostess is likely to
leave the evening free from any special entertainment.
It is the duty of the guest to conform to the habits of the household.
If the party assembles together for breakfast, he or she must make
one of the number though the hour may be too early or too late for
personal convenience. Likewise, the guest should accept such disposal
of his or her time as the hostess may choose to make, even when the
preference would be quite otherwise. The tactful hostess, of course,
studies the likes and dislikes of her guests, and seeks to reconcile
her hospitality so far as possible to their prejudices.
It is customary to give tips on leaving a house-party to those servants
with whom the guest has been brought more closely in contact. The maid
who has attended to the room should receive a dollar from the visitor
for a few days; the butler, if there is one, should receive a dollar
and a half. The amount for the chauffeur should be regulated to some
extent by his personal service in the guest’s behalf. Where there has
been none, a dollar is sufficient.
These figures are applicable in the cases of unmarried women and
bachelors, although the tendency of the latter is to give more. The
sums named, however, are regarded as acceptable by the servants
themselves. Naturally, they enjoy the lavish, even prodigal tips given
by certain persons of wealth, who are more ostentatious than discreet.
Such indiscretions, however, need not set up a false standard for other
guests.
In the case of a husband and wife, the tips to maid and butler, etc.,
should be increased. It is usual for the wife to tip the female
servants, while the husband satisfies those of his own sex. When the
care of the guest’s shoes devolves on a house-boy, he, too, should be
remembered with a half-dollar.
The male guests frequently give a tip of a dollar or more to the cook.
It is the duty of the hostess in the case of a woman visitor to bid
her farewell in person, even if this should necessitate arising at an
unpleasantly early hour. But in the case of a man’s leaving thus early,
it suffices if she makes her farewell the night before. It then becomes
the duty of the host to attend on the guest for the breakfast and
departure.
In about a week after such a visit, the guest should write a note to
the hostess, expressing warm appreciation of the hospitality thus
enjoyed. It is also permissible for the guest to send a gift that is
not too costly, such as a book, or any simple thing that may serve
as a token of remembrance. But this is in no wise obligatory, and,
in fact, good taste is likely to prevent the bestowal of such a gift
in most cases. There could hardly be anything less satisfactory to a
hostess than a string of such souvenirs from her whilom guests.
Where the visit is a very short one, less than two days, it is
customary to dispense with the bread-and-butter letter.
INTRODUCTIONS
SIMPLICITY SHOULD always characterize good manners, and this truth
applies especially in the matter of introductions. There should be no
attempt at fine phrases.
“Mrs. Smith, let me present Mr. Jones.”
It is to be noted that the names of both persons concerned are given.
They should be spoken with entire distinctness.
In this form, a man is presented to a woman, and this is the rule to be
generally observed. It is admissible for the introduction to contain an
expression of the man’s wish for it.
“Mrs. Smith, Mr. Jones desires to be presented to you.”
Slight variations in the phrasing of these forms are permitted. For
example, after saying, “Mrs. Smith, let me present Mr. Jones,” it is
proper to add some such phrase as, “He is very anxious to meet you.”
It is always a mark of courtesy to request a lady’s permission in
advance of the actual introduction. When introductions are to be made
between a woman, who is a newcomer, and an assembly of guests, the
newcomer is given the formal distinction of receiving the introductions.
“Miss Brown, let me present Mrs. Robinson, Miss Robinson, Miss Helen
Robinson, Mr. Jones, Mr. Truesdale.”
Often, the form of introduction is curtailed, especially when the
company is numerous. In such case, merely the names are spoken, that of
the stranger having first place.
“Miss Brown—Mrs. Robinson, Miss Robinson, Miss Helen Robinson, Mr.
Jones, Mr. Truesdale.”
Care must be taken to remember that the person to whom the introduction
is made has the place of honor. It is on this account that the rule of
proper procedure requires the presentation of a man to a woman, and
always the presentation of the inferior to the superior, although the
distinction is usually purely theoretical. For example, an unmarried
woman should be presented to a matron. So, the younger person should be
presented to his or her elders; the ordinary person should be presented
to the person of distinction. Where men or women are of nearly equal
age or station, it is safer not to discriminate between them by
presenting one to the other. It is enough merely to name them.
“Mr. Smith, Mr. Robinson.” Or: “Mrs. Jones, Mrs. Brown.”
It is a part of good tact on the part of a host or hostess in making
introductions to add a few words of explanation as to some particular
interest of each, which may be of assistance to them at the beginning
of their conversation.
In every instance, the greatest care should be taken by the person
making an introduction to pronounce both names with the utmost
clearness. Nothing is more annoying than an indistinct mumble that
leaves the hearers uninformed.
When, for any reason, one fails to understand a stranger’s name at the
time of introduction, it is permissible to ask it.
“Pardon me, but I did not understand the name.”
There are some variations that should be noted as to the manner of
acknowledging an introduction. In her own home, a woman should offer
her hand, while saying, “Mrs. Smith, I am very glad to meet you,” or
any similar phrase of cordial greeting. But such a cordial phrase is
not to be used by a woman when a man is presented to her, unless she is
the hostess. A man, on the contrary, on receiving his introduction to
a lady, should express his appreciation in a courteous sentence.
“I am very glad to meet you, Miss Robinson.”
The tendency to-day is toward elimination of handshaking by women on
the occasion of an introduction, except in the case of a hostess. A
slight bow of the head, a smile and the repetition of the stranger’s
name are deemed enough. But many women still prefer a less formal
manner, and give their hand when an introduction is made.
It is the duty of a hostess to stand up when receiving an introduction.
This applies equally whether the stranger is a man or a woman. But a
woman other than the hostess, when a member of a group, remains seated
during any introduction to her unless it is of one her superior in
age or station, whom she should honor by rising. Otherwise, it is
preferable for a woman to stand in acknowledging an introduction of
one of her own sex, though she should remain seated when a man is
presented to her.
In England, it is usual to omit introductions among those gathered
in the same house, and guests are expected to conduct themselves as
acquaintances without this formality. In our country, however, the
custom has not prevailed to any considerable extent, and it is not
ordinarily proper for strangers to address each other without having
been introduced, even though they are fellow-guests.
A hostess should introduce all her guests one to another at ordinary
dinner-parties, luncheons, or breakfasts. But, in the case of very
large dinner-parties, she is required only to introduce those who
are to be partners at table, though it is advisable for her to make
other introductions to any extent convenient. At the table, however,
introductions should be carefully avoided. If the women leave the table
before the men, other introductions may be made among them in the
drawing-room. The men, too, on returning to the drawing-room may be
presented to such women as they have not already met.
When a hostess receives at home, she should introduce each new arrival
to some of the guests who are near by. If she has an assistant in
receiving, each guest should be presented. On formal occasions, it is
not her duty to go about among the guests in order to introduce them.
The hostess at a large ball follows a similar course of conduct. But
in less formal affairs she should be at pains to see that no guest is
neglected, and that each, as far as possible, has a due share in the
dancing.
It is especially desirable on all formal occasions, such as large balls
for example, that a man wishing to present a friend to a woman should
first privately ask her permission.
Introductions of a very casual sort should never be taken too
seriously. This applies particularly to those made in a public place,
such as the street, when a person accompanied by a friend meets an
acquaintance, who is a stranger to that friend, and there is a pause
for a brief chat. Usually, there is no occasion for an introduction
under these circumstances, and if one is made it may be afterward
ignored. As a matter of fact, only a rather extensive conversation
between the acquaintances would justify an introduction. Perfunctory
introductions of those temporarily associated in a game on the tennis
court, or the like, are to be regarded as equally casual, and not of a
sort necessitating subsequent recognition.
Introductions may be formally made by letter. In such case, the letter
should deal exclusively with the introduction. There is no set form,
but the following will serve as a sufficient guide, to be varied
according to personal inclination:
_Burlington, Vermont._
_June 1, 1919._
_My dear Mrs. Smith:_
_It gives me great pleasure to introduce to you my
friend, Miss Truesdale, who is about to visit relatives
in your city. I shall deeply appreciate any courtesy
you may show her._
_With kindest regards to yourself and Mr. Smith, I am,_
_Yours sincerely,
Mabel Potter_
A similar form will suffice for the introduction of a man, whether to
another man or to a woman. Discretion should be exercised always in the
granting of letters of introduction, and it is well to write a separate
letter giving details concerning the person thus introduced. The letter
of introduction itself should be placed in an addressed envelope,
which is left unsealed, to be presented in person by the one to be
introduced.
Instead of a letter, a common practise uses the visiting-card of the
person making the introduction. In such case, a line is written across
the top of the card.
_Introducing Mr. Russell Elliot_
This card also is enclosed within its proper envelope, duly addressed,
but unsealed, and delivered to the person for whose benefit it is given.
It is common for a man to call at the residence of the person to
whom the introduction is addressed, and there give the envelope,
still unsealed, to the servant, together with his own card. In the
absence of the host or hostess, the caller places his own card inside
the envelope, which is then sealed, and left. A woman never follows
this procedure. She places her card in the envelope containing the
introduction, which is then sealed, and dropped in the post for
delivery.
One receiving such a letter of introduction, whether man or woman, is
expected, if the bearer is a woman, to call on her within two days’
time, and to follow this up with some sort of hospitable entertainment.
If, for any imperative reason, a call is impossible, a letter should be
written in explanation.
The like procedure is followed when both parties are men. But when a
man presents such a letter of introduction to a woman, she does not, of
course, call upon him, but writes to extend her hospitable offers.
LETTERS
THE MOST TROUBLESOME detail in letter-writing is the matter of
address. It should be noted that there is a distinction between
_Dear_ and _My dear_. In our country, the more formal style is with
the pronoun, while the pronoun is omitted in writing to friends.
A letter to a mere acquaintance begins with the words, _My dear_
............................. But the form for an intimate is simply
_Dear_ .............................
The usual address for business purposes and to those with whom no
social relations are established is _Dear Sir_. The plural is used in
addressing firms, _Dear Sirs_, or the one word _Gentlemen_, may be
employed.
In addressing a man with whom social relations are established, the
surname is used, preceded by _Dear_ or _My dear_, according to the
degree of intimacy. _My dear Mr. Hudson; Dear Mr. Grant._
A woman who is a stranger may be addressed either as _Madam_ or _Dear
Madam_, whether she be married or unmarried. The form “_Dear Miss_” is
to be avoided under all circumstances.
For the woman with whom the writer is formally acquainted, the
address is: _My dear Mrs._ .............................., if she is
married, and _My dear Miss_ ............................, if she is
unmarried. When the person is a friend, she should be addressed: _Dear
Mrs._ ................, if she is a married woman, and _Dear Miss_
............................, if she is unmarried.
The full name should be signed to formal letters. The married woman
should use her own Christian name, not her husband’s with the _Mrs._
prefixed. But, in business communications to strangers, she may very
properly give her husband’s name with the prefix _Mrs._, below her
usual signature, and inclosed in parenthesis.