ETIQUETTE MADE EASY
Made Easy Series
ETIQUETTE MADE EASY
BY
EDWARD SUMMERS SQUIER, M. A.
[Illustration]
NEW YORK
EDWARD J. CLODE
COPYRIGHT, 1919, BY
EDWARD J. CLODE
_All rights reserved_
_Entered at Stationers’ Hall_
PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
PREFACE
THE POLITEST MAN of whom history has record was a Norwegian. A stranger
in a town of Norway asked a passing native the way to a certain
address. The native raised his hat, bowed, and said:
“Sir, I am very sorry, but I do not know.”
The stranger passed on. A few minutes later, he heard the sound of some
one running behind him. He faced about, and recognized the native, who
came, halted, and after a few deep breaths, said, while bowing with
uplifted hat:
“Sir, after leaving you, I met my brother-in-law, and I regret to tell
you, Sir, that he also does not know.”
In spite of this story with its Norwegian hero, first place is
usually given to the French in matters of politeness. There is an old
story that illustrates with remarkable precision the national traits
of French, English and German. This has to do with the manner of
lighting a cigar. The Frenchman strikes a match, offers the flame to
his companions, then makes a light for himself. The Englishman lights
his own cigar first, and then offers the match to his companions. The
German lights his own cigar, then throws the match away. The brief
recital contains something deeper than mere humor in its analysis of
national characteristics. The consideration of the Frenchman for others
is indeed the essential basis for all true courtesy. Genuine politeness
has its root always in a very real regard for the feelings of others.
The ancient proverb declares that cleanliness is next to godliness. In
fact, so far as concerns casual associations, cleanliness is the more
important. We have ordinarily nothing to do with the morals of those
whom we encounter for a few fugitive moments, but the most fleeting
companionship with a dirty person is offensive, while a perfect
cleanliness is always pleasing in its effect.
As a matter of fundamental courtesy toward others, we are required to
keep ourselves clean. Such cleanliness may be excellent as a hygienic
measure, but one most eminent physician has declared that bathing is
not essential to health, and he offers in proof of his assertion the
great number of old persons there are in the world.
But those aged unwashed would be repulsive in refined society. Their
condition would distress others. Quite involuntarily, they would thus
be guilty of discourtesy.
The principle of consideration for others that exalts cleanliness as a
virtue is the principle that actually fashions all the essential forms
of politeness. At a decent dinner-table, one must not smack his lips,
or make loud noises in taking soup from the spoon, for the simple
reason that such behavior will annoy others. Often, a sympathetic
person, absolutely untaught in the niceties of etiquette, will do
the right thing by a natural instinct of kindliness, where another
individual of polite breeding will do the wrong from sheer lack of that
fellow-feeling which gives understanding.
Nevertheless, while the noblest courtesy must spring always from the
heart, common convenience has settled on definite methods of deportment
for various occasions. Ignorance of these details as to proper conduct
is not a matter to be contemned, but one to be regretted, because a
person thus ignorant, no matter how kindly his intention, must often
disturb others by failure to do the expected thing in the expected way.
In other words, he lacks knowledge of what are termed the proprieties.
It is with the intention of offering assistance to those finding
themselves in doubt as to the niceties of deportment that this book
has been prepared.
It is arranged with the contents in alphabetical order, so that the
topics are self-indexed.
In addition to the bulk of information set forth in the following
pages, there needs only one direction of importance.
This is based on the ancient saying: “When in Rome, do as the Romans
do.” Practically every community has its local customs, and these are
always to be respected. There is nothing more snobbish than criticism
by a stranger of social forms that are well established. It is always
his duty to respect them and to observe them. Otherwise, he displays
that lack of consideration for others which is the root of all
rudeness. One sympathetically disposed toward his fellows who avails
himself of the information in this book may rest confident in the
assurance that he is indeed the possessor of good manners.
CONTENTS
PAGE
AT HOMES 13
BACHELOR HOSTS 23
BALLS 26
BREAKFASTS 31
CALLS 34
CARDS 45
DINNERS 61
GARDEN-PARTIES 70
HOUSE-PARTIES 75
INTRODUCTIONS 84
LETTERS 95
LUNCHEONS 103
MOURNING 106
MUSICALES 113
OPERA 117
PRIVATE THEATRICALS 121
RECEPTIONS 122
SMOKING 123
STAIRS 124
STREET ETIQUETTE 125
TABLE MANNERS 128
TEAS 133
THEATER-PARTIES 134
WEDDINGS 141
Etiquette Made Easy
AT HOMES
THE AFTERNOON TEA is perhaps the most popular of social functions, and
deservedly so, since it is essentially of the utmost simplicity, yet
may be expanded into a most elaborate social affair. In the original
simple form, the hostess merely welcomes her guests as they come to her
on her regular day at home, in the drawing-room, and there offers them
a cup of tea served by herself and light refreshments of sandwiches and
cakes and the like.
The next development in the tea is in the nature of a small afternoon
reception, or at home. For this occasion, the hostess issues
invitations a week in advance. A visiting-card serves the purpose, with
a line written below the name:
_Wednesday, June fourth
from four until seven o’clock_
If there is to be a guest of honor, an additional line may indicate the
fact:
_To meet_........................
The procedure for the hostess at a function of this sort is more
formal. It is usual to have the refreshments in the dining-room, though
they should not be of an elaborate character. The teapot is placed
at one end of the table, and presided over by some friend, since the
obligations of the hostess prevent her rendering this hospitable
service in person.
The third stage of the afternoon tea has come to take the place of the
old-time reception, though it bears merely the designation “At Home.”
The requisite invitations must be sent out any time from a week to
a fortnight before the date set. For these, an engraved form is
essential. They are printed on heavy white bristol board, of the
quality described for dinner-invitations, and inclosed in a single
envelope. They may be issued in the name of the hostess alone, or in
the names of a hostess and her daughter or daughters, or in the names
of husband and wife—though this last is a very modern innovation. The
following will serve as a model:
_Mrs. James French Putnam
At Home
April the seventh
From four until seven o’clock
208 Flagg Avenue_
If the husband joins with the wife in issuing the invitations, the only
change is in the first line:
_Mr. and Mrs. James French Putnam_
Where a daughter is to receive with her mother, the girl’s name appears
just below that of the matron:
_Mrs. James French Putnam_
_Miss Putnam_
Where there are two or more daughters thus associated with the mother,
they are included under one title. Thus:
_Mrs. James French Putnam_
_The Misses Putnam_
When a younger sister is to appear at her début, her name in full is
given a line after those of her mother and elder sister:
_Mrs. James French Putnam_
_Miss Putnam_
_Miss Helen Louise Putnam_
In the event of a guest of honor, the invitation may emphasize the
presence of this personage by a special engraved announcement at the
head of the invitation:
_To meet_
......................................
The remainder of the invitation will follow any of the forms indicated
above.
Or the announcement may appear in one engraved line at the foot of the
invitation:
_To meet_................................
At a reception of this character, the hostess is obliged to remain
on duty near the door of the drawing-room throughout the hours set.
But a husband or daughter receiving with her, though expected to join
her in receiving the guests at the outset and for a considerable time
afterward, is not so rigidly held to the one place, but after a time
may properly move about among the guests with hospitable intent.
But a débutante must remain at the post of duty with her mother
throughout the whole time.
In recent years, there has developed a pleasant custom by which
the débutante invites a number of her young friends to join her in
receiving the other guests. It is usual to entertain these at dinner
after the reception.
The refreshments for an occasion of this sort are served in the
dining-room with servants in attendance. Tea is poured at one end of
the table, and perhaps chocolate at the other, while a bowl of punch is
commonly at hand. The refreshments are of the buffet variety, but they
may be as rich and varied as the hostess chooses. At such functions
in the city, it is usual to lay a strip of carpet from the house door
to the curb, and an awning raised over this offers protection to the
guests in inclement weather. Where the list of guests is long, a
liveried servant at the curb not only opens the doors of the motors,
but also issues checks by which the cars may be summoned for the
departure of the guests.
A butler opens the house door as the guest approaches, and gives
directions as to the dressing-rooms. Another liveried servant at the
door of the drawing-room announces each guest by name to the hostess.
At such affairs, both hostess and women guests wear what is properly
termed a reception-gown—that is to say, one of elegance and richness,
with a train if the prevailing mode permits, but not decolleté or
sleeveless. Hats of a character harmonious with the gown are worn
throughout the function, as are gloves.
The men wear black frock coats and gray striped trousers, with either a
black waistcoat or a fancy one according to choice. While he leaves his
coat and hat in the dressing-room at such formal affairs, a man retains
his gloves, either keeping the left glove on the hand, and carrying the
other, or carrying both. The right hand must be bare.
Each woman guest leaves on a tray provided for that purpose in the
hall a card for her hostess and one for each of any other women
receiving. She may also leave similarly the cards of any other woman
member of her family who has been invited, but does not attend.
The man leaves a card for his host if there is one, in addition to
those for the ladies.
No reply is necessary from one invited to such a reception, either
of acceptance or of refusal. The presence of the guests is deemed a
sufficient answer. In the event of non-attendance, the guest must be at
pains to send cards, and these should be so timed in the sending that
they will reach their address on the day of the at home, preferably in
the afternoon.
At crowded affairs, the guest displays good manners as well as good
sense by making the stay short. Twenty minutes is a sufficient time,
and departure should not be delayed much beyond a half-hour. It is
better not to say farewell to the hostess, unless the going should be
at a time when few guests remain, and she is obviously at leisure.
The punctilious guest will make a point of arriving neither too early
nor too late. Between half-past four and six is recommended.
The formal evening reception is less popular than in former days, but
it still prevails to a limited extent. The procedure throughout is
substantially the same as for that of the afternoon reception. The
wording of the invitation is identical, with the single exception of
the time specified.
The line that indicated the hours from four until seven o’clock must be
changed to read:
_From nine until eleven o’clock_
Or, it may be properly stated, if one’s taste so dictates:
_After nine o’clock_
While for the evening reception all other formal details are the same
as for an afternoon affair, the costumes of the guests, both men
and women, are changed as befits the change in hours. The men are
scrupulous in the exactitude of their evening garb—swallow tail, white
linen and white cravat and white waistcoat, and patent-leather shoes;
while the women array themselves in their handsomest evening gowns,
decolleté and sleeveless, and display the richest of their jewels.
BACHELOR HOSTS
WHEN A BACHELOR entertains either in the afternoon or evening, he
follows in a general way the procedure indicated for receptions under
the heading “At Homes.” If the affair is to be elaborate, he may use
engraved invitations.
_Mr. Hartley Fane Treadwell
requests the pleasure of
.................................
company
on Wednesday afternoon, November the first
From four until seven o’clock
Nine East Third Street_
A word or two at the bottom on the left may indicate any special
entertainment, such as _Music_.
But there are certain proprieties to be observed that are peculiar to
the bachelor. For example, he is not permitted to use a visiting-card
with a line written on it for less formal invitations. Instead, he must
write a note in the first person, or he may give the invitation orally.
The invitations should be issued a week or a little less before the
appointed time.
There is one other requirement of vital importance. The bachelor must
always have a chaperon present for any gathering that includes both
sexes. And she must be invited by note, or orally—even in cases where
the formal engraved invitations are employed.
The chaperon pours tea, and on occasions when the guests are seated at
table, she is given the place on the host’s right, unless there is a
guest of honor, when she is given the position on his left.
The other women guests must take their departure at the same time as
the chaperon, unless they prefer an earlier hour.
The presence of the chaperon at such entertainments makes it
unnecessary for the unmarried girl to provide one for herself.
The chaperon should be a married woman, and her husband must be
included among the invited guests.
When a bachelor wishes to issue engraved invitations for a formal
dinner-party or luncheon, he uses the forms provided respectively in
the chapters entitled “Dinners” and “Luncheons.” The directions as to
breakfasts also will be found appropriate in a general way as set forth
in the special chapter.
A bachelor should always be punctilious in calling on a chaperon
shortly after any affair at which she has officiated, in order to
tender his grateful appreciation of her services in his behalf.
BALLS
THE INVITATIONS for a formal ball are engraved on a sheet similar to
that used for dinner-parties. But, like the dinner-invitations, they
may also be written by the hostess. In sending these invitations by
mail only one envelope is used when the invitation is written out. But
the engraved form is enclosed first in an unsealed envelope with merely
the name of the guest on the cover. This is put in a second envelope,
which is sealed and has both the name and address written on it for
posting. An engraved invitation, however, when delivered by a messenger
requires only a single envelope, sealed.
These invitations must be sent out not less than ten days before the
date of the ball, and they may be issued three weeks before the
appointed time.
The accepted form may be either of those following:
_Mr. and Mrs. George Wheatley
request the pleasure of your company
on Wednesday evening, April the second
at half-past nine o’clock
Dancing 71 Hamilton Place_
_Mrs. George Wheatley
Miss Wheatley
At Home
Tuesday, April the ninth
at eleven o’clock
Dancing 71 Hamilton Place_
It is permissible to write the initials, _R.s.v.p._ below the word
_Dancing_.
In place of _Dancing_, the word _Cotillon_ may appear, if the whole
evening is to be devoted especially to this dance. So, too, the words
_Bal Poudré_ may be substituted for _Dancing_, if the affair is to be
a costume ball. Or any other form of entertainment may be similarly
indicated.
The form used in accepting or declining such an invitation follows
exactly the wording given in a later chapter in connection with
dinner-invitations.
It is the duty of the hostess to greet her guests as at a dinner-party,
and a daughter or daughters may assist her in her hospitable duties,
but such assistance is not required of them. The host, also, may join
his wife in receiving, and may make himself socially useful by various
attentions to the guests. But such action on his part is discretionary,
except that in the case of a woman guest of particular importance,
he should take her in to supper if this is served at tables. Where a
buffet supper is served, it is fitting that he should escort various
guests from time to time.
It is not always necessary to invite mothers or chaperons to a private
ball, and in that case a girl may be sent with a maid to accompany
her. When the mother receives an invitation and accepts it, she may
choose not to remain, but to leave after entrusting her daughter to the
care of the hostess, or some other friend.
At elaborate dances, the supper at midnight is served on small tables,
at which the guests are seated. The buffet supper is popular on account
of its convenience, since the guests select whatever pleases them at
any time.
Unlike the rule as to dinners, there is no obligation for prompt
arrival on the ball guest. Likewise, the guest may leave at any time.
It is not necessary to seek the hostess for a farewell, but if she is
near, she should be addressed with appropriate phrase in appreciation
of the hospitality that has been enjoyed.
A girl at a ball usually establishes herself in a seat by her chaperon,
to whom she returns according to her convenience after dancing. It
is perfectly proper for her, if at any time she wishes to be rid of
a partner, to ask that he accompany her back to this seat beside her
chaperon.
Evening clothes are essential for the male guest at a ball, and the
wearing of white gloves is obligatory. A careful man is very likely to
provide himself with an extra pair. At informal dances, ungloved men
often cover the hand with a handkerchief to avoid any risk of soiling a
partner’s bodice. If a man serves as escort for a woman, or for a girl
and her chaperon, it is a part of his duty to provide a carriage to and
fro.
The ball-dress for women is usually the most elegant their taste and
means will contrive. It is always decolleté, and commonly sleeveless.
BREAKFASTS
A HOSTESS MAY USE her visiting-card for invitations to breakfast,
simply writing on it below her name:
_Breakfast at eleven o’clock
April the fourth_
A more formal affair may have an engraved invitation on paper similar
to that used in the case of dinners. This would have the following form:
_Mrs. George Vinton Thorne
requests the pleasure of
................................
company at breakfast
on....................................
at.............................o’clock
Eleven Green Street_
Or the hostess may, if she prefers, write a brief note of invitation
in the first person. Whatever form is employed, the invitations should
be sent out a full week, or a little more, before the date set for the
breakfast.
The answer to such an invitation should be sent promptly, whether
in acceptance or in refusal. The form is identical with that for
dinner-invitations, except that the word _breakfast_ is substituted for
the word _dinner_.
Where the invitation is a note written in the first person, the answer
must follow the same style.
A breakfast of the more informal sort, with no more than eight or
ten guests, may begin as early as ten o’clock, but a later hour is
preferred for very ceremonious affairs, with noon most esteemed as the
hour.
Grapefruit is usually served, with finger-bowl accompaniment, and the
meal that follows may be as simple or as elaborate as the taste and
resources of the hostess dictate.
Usually both sexes are included among the guests at a breakfast. The
women remove their gloves after taking their places at table, but not
their hats. Veils may be removed entirely or pushed up out of the way,
according to the wearer’s choice.
The guest should remain at least a half-hour after the conclusion of
the meal, but not longer than an hour unless justified by exceptional
circumstances.
Frock or cutaway coats are worn by the men, and afternoon dress by the
women. The costumes for a ten o’clock breakfast should be somewhat
plainer than for one at the more formal hour of noon.
CALLS
FORMAL CALLS are to be made in the afternoon between three o’clock and
half-past five.
If a hostess has a day at home, formal calls on her should be made on
that day. It is well also so to time visits for congratulation or to
return thanks for any hospitality, or the like, as to have them also
fall on the day at home. Usually, a due attention by visitors to this
set time for calling is appreciated by a hostess.
While the formal hours for calls are in the afternoon as indicated
above, the time varies in different neighborhoods. Evening calls are
common in the country necessarily as a matter of convenience. And,
while in the city women pay no formal calls on Sunday, these are
permitted in smaller places. Ordinarily, too, there is license in the
country as to the length even of formal calls, which may be extended
without impropriety far beyond the limit of fifteen or twenty minutes
which is well established in the city. A new resident or visitor in any
community should be at pains to get information as to the local usage,
and conform to it in all details.
It is permissible for men in our country to make social calls in the
afternoon on Sunday, or in the evening. The exigencies of business
are the excuse for the departure from the stricter form, which still
holds in the case of women. The hour of such evening calls in the
larger cities is from eight to nine, but the time is earlier in smaller
towns and in the country. In every instance, the local custom is to be
followed. Of course, too, men of leisure may pay their calls in the
afternoon.
New residents in a neighborhood must await calls from those already
established there. In the city, the first calls of the social season
should be received by the hostess who first sends out her at-home
cards. Where women have met out of town, and wish to continue the
acquaintance in the city, the unmarried woman should call on the
matron, or one who is under any obligation for hospitality should make
the first call. Unless a distinction be drawn for some such reason,
either may properly pay the first visit.
It is notorious that in the large cities there is no welcome for
the newcomer from the dweller next door or across the street. The
conditions of city life justify such aloofness. On the other hand, the
conditions of life in the smaller places warrant exactly the opposite
in the matter of hospitality. It is the recognized duty of the older
residents to welcome new arrivals by calling on them promptly, after
the strangers have had time to dispose themselves comfortably.
There are many varieties of those calls that are imposed by formal
courtesy. Thus, in the matter of weddings, it becomes the duty of any
one who has taken official part in the affair, such as a bride’s-maid
or a best man, to call on the mother of the bride within a few days
after the marriage ceremony, and also to call on the bride immediately
after her return from the honeymoon trip. The like duty devolves on
invited guests to a home wedding, to a wedding-reception and to a
wedding-breakfast.
A similar formal call should be paid to the hostess by each guest at
a dinner, or breakfast, or other special entertainment. Such a call
must be made within two weeks. The obligation is the same even in cases
where the invitation has been declined.
As to the returning of calls, such visits should be made on the day at
home if there is one, and otherwise at a suitable time according to the
social usage of the neighborhood within a fortnight. But this ruling
applies properly only to the return for a first call. Afterward, a
longer or shorter interval may elapse between visits according to
the desire of the parties concerned. A former acquaintance may be
maintained merely by an annual exchange of calls. It must be noted,
however, that a call in person demands a personal visit in return. The
formal leaving of a card at the door does not suffice.
Persons giving up their residence in a community or going on a long
journey should send their cards to their full visiting-list with the
initials _P.p.c._ (_Pour prendre congé_, for leave-taking).
It occurs often that a person wishes to call on a friend in the home of
a stranger. Such a call is permissible, but the visitor should ask for
the hostess as well as the friend, and leave a card for her.
In the matter of initiative, it is fitting that an elder woman should
invite a younger to the exchange of cards and calls, and that the
matron should thus invite the maiden. Where there is equality of years
or station, the first advance must depend on the personal inclinations
of the parties.
The proprieties in reference to calls between women are thus seen to
be simple enough. There is more complexity in the procedure when it
has to do with the calling of men on women. It is not deemed proper
for a young unmarried woman to invite calls from men. Such visits on
their part are left to the discretion of the mother or chaperon. But,
undoubtedly, the débutante will see to it that mother or chaperon
does not fail in her functions. As to the older women, and those
married, there is some variation locally in the polite usage. Sometimes
the woman feels it her privilege to invite the man to call without
awaiting solicitation on his part; sometimes she requires that the
advance should be on the part of the man in the form of a request for
permission to visit her.
If any person requires that a definite time should be given for the
emancipation of a girl from the social dominance of her mother or
chaperon, it may be set at about the twenty-fifth year, after which
time a young woman is theoretically fitted to decide for herself as to
who her visitors shall be.
A young woman of sensibility will be extremely chary of her invitations
to men, and very sure before extending them that they are really
desired. If at any time a man fails to avail himself of such an
invitation, her self-respect will not permit her to repeat it.
The strictness of the above rules of conduct has been greatly relaxed
in the case of the average American girl, who democratically insists
from the outset of her social career on her own choice in the matter
of acquaintances and friends. But even this laxity does not permit an
invitation to a man on the first meeting. Such haste is neither good
form nor ordinary prudence.
In a consideration of formal calls, it should be noted that in
practise the offices of the wife are commonly accepted in her husband’s
behalf by her leaving his card when she pays her dinner-call, or the
like. The exigencies of business are supposed to justify this vicarious
method.
While it is proper for a woman to call upon a man for business reasons,
social calls are forbidden.
Calls of condolence, except when there is an intimate friendship, are
properly made by leaving a card. The expression of sympathy is usually
best made by a brief note.
Calls of congratulation may be made by acquaintances of both sexes on a
woman who announces her engagement to be married. Calls following the
announcement of a birth are expected by the mother from the women of
her acquaintance.
The day at home is such a social convenience that it is popular, not
only in the cities, but in many smaller towns. It is usually set for
one afternoon in the week, sometimes for an afternoon each two weeks
during the social season. The day should appear on the visiting-card.
The hours for entertaining on the day at home are from three until six,
but this period is frequently extended for another hour. The hostess
should devote herself assiduously to her guests, and should provide
some light forms of food and drink. Usually, tea is served. Sufficient
notice is given of the day at home by sending out the visiting-cards
at the beginning of the season. One advantage of the day at home is
that it justifies the hostess in not receiving casual callers on other
occasions.
It is the duty of the hostess to meet and address each guest with a
handshake. “How do you do, Mrs. Smith? I am so glad to see you!” or a
similar phrase, should be used in greeting each arrival. She should
also introduce strangers to other guests near by. She should not leave
the reception-room to make her farewells to departing guests, unless in
case of some person of particular distinction. “Good-afternoon, Mr.
Brown. I shall hope to see you again very soon,” or the like, affords a
sufficient form of farewell.
If the husband is present during his wife’s at home, he should
undertake to second her hospitable efforts to the best of his ability,
showing attention to any requiring it.
A woman caller does not remove her gloves or veil, or even her wrap,
unless it is a heavy one. But rubbers and umbrella and any heavy outer
garment should be left in the hall.
For a man, formal politeness permits the carrying of both hat and
stick into the drawing-room. But this rule is to-day more honored in
the breach than in the observance. And, too, the right hand at least
is usually ungloved. The hat and stick, when carried, are held in the
left hand, and should be retained throughout the call, though it is
permissible to put them down on the floor beside one, for greater
convenience when taking refreshments.
When the day at home is of a formal sort, the women do not exchange
kisses in greeting, and the gloves are not taken off even when tea is
drunk.
CARDS
VISITING-CARDS are of three sizes, which remain practically the same
year after year. The largest is that used by matrons, while that of
the unmarried woman is a very little smaller, and that of the man much
smaller. The present style as to materials favors a polished bristol
board that is white and substantial without being too heavy. This
should be printed from an engraved plate in black ink. The lettering
may be a running script or old English.
Under no circumstances should a woman’s card carry any prefix other
than _Mrs._ or _Miss_, but one or the other of these invariably
appears. This rule does not apply in the case of professional women
who may wish a distinctive card for business purposes, with its prefix
of _Dr._ or _Rev._ Such a card would also carry the address in the
lower right-hand corner and perhaps office-hours in the lower left-hand
corner. But even the professional woman requires the plainer form of
card for social purposes.
There is a tendency at present to give the name in full on the card.
For example, _Mrs. John James Smith_, or _Miss Maude MacArthur_.
It is permissible for the senior matron of a family to use only the
family name on her card with the prefix: for example, _Mrs. Fuller_.
It is more common, however, to omit the Christian name of an eldest
daughter who is unmarried: _Miss Fuller_. The other daughters require
the Christian name on their cards: _Miss Mary Fuller_, _Miss Gladys
Fuller_.
The tendency in this country is strongly against the omission of the
name in either of the above cases. Although it is perfectly correct as
a social usage, it is opposed to the spirit of our institutions.
There is some variation in the use of the name on the card in the case
of a widow. It is within the woman’s choice whether she will continue
to use the Christian name of her husband on the card, or will put her
own in place of it. In other words, she may use the same cards after
the death of her husband as before if she prefers, or she may follow
the _Mrs._ with her own Christian name. A common form to-day gives
the woman’s Christian name and the surname to which she was born and
finally the surname of her husband. A present vogue permits also the
use of only the two surnames, without the Christian name. Thus, Mary
Brown marries James Robinson. The husband dies and the widow changes
her visiting-cards, which have read, _Mrs. James Robinson_, so that
they now read, _Mrs. Mary Robinson_. Then presently she grows ambitious
socially and has her cards changed to read, _Mrs. Mary Brown Robinson_.
Soon, she seizes on a newer style, and again changes her cards in
accordance with it to read, _Mrs. Brown Robinson_.
It should be noted that the variations in cards practised by widows are
used also by divorced women. And when a divorcée resumes her maiden
name she properly uses with it the prefix _Mrs._, not _Miss_.
As a matter of strict propriety, a girl during her first social season
does not formally use an individual card. Her name appears below that
of her mother in the same lettering. When making calls unaccompanied by
her mother, the latter’s name is crossed out with a pencil mark.
Where two daughters of nearly the same age are concerned, both are
included on the mother’s card by the words _The Misses_, followed by
the family name.
The above details are applied especially to a débutante in the first
season. Afterward, a young woman uses her own individual card when
calling alone. But this card should not carry on it the day at home.
The at-home statement appears on the mother’s individual card. It is
given also on the card combining the names of mother and daughter. The
combination card may with correctness be frequently used in appropriate
circumstances until the daughter’s marriage.
The notice of the day at home is placed in the lower left-hand
corner of the card. Only the day of the week is given, or with such
qualification as may be required if the at-home day is not of weekly
recurrence. The hours should not be specified unless they are a
distinct variation from the customary time, between three and six. In
addition, a time limit to the at homes may be specified. Thus, _Fridays
until March_. Of course, the beginning is set for any individual by
reception of the card.
A married woman finds frequent use for a card in combination with her
husband, though this by no means takes the place of her individual
cards, and, while it bears the address in the lower right-hand corner,
does not usually give the at-home day. This card may properly be used
for those formal occasions in which her husband is concerned. For
example, it may fittingly accompany a gift from husband and wife. It
serves also for announcing a marriage with the residence of the bridal
couple.
A man’s visiting-card always carries the prefix _Mr._ The single
exception to this is when _Jr._ follows the name. The name is commonly
given in full, but it is permissible to use only the initial of the
middle name. It is strictly proper for the male head of a family to use
only the family name on his card, preceded by _Mr._ Thus, the head of
the Smiths—could he be located—might use on his visiting-card merely
_Mr. Smith_, instead of _Mr. John Smith_.
The home address appears in the lower right-hand corner of the card,
and a bachelor may add also the name of a club in the lower left-hand
corner. The business address, of course, should never appear on the
card used for social purposes. Likewise, a day at home should not be
given by a bachelor even though he may entertain regularly.
It is a safe rule to avoid titles on the visiting-cards of men as of
women. The only exceptions are in instances little likely to concern
the average reader of this book. Such instances are afforded by the
President of the United States, the Vice-President, Ambassadors, the
higher Judiciary, Army and Navy Officers, clergymen and physicians. The
custom in the army, however, forbids any prefix except plain _Mr._ to
an officer below the rank of Captain.
In the case of all officers the nature of his command is properly
stated in a lower corner of the card.
Lawyers and physicians should have only the home address on the card
used for social purposes. Another card with the business address
should be used for business purposes. But _Dr._ is properly used by
the physician in place of _Mr._ on his visiting-cards. Likewise, a
clergyman uses _Reverend_, or its abbreviation _Rev._, on all his
cards, which are commonly identical for both social and professional
uses.
The letters indicative of degrees are not given after the name on the
visiting-card, though a single exception is sometimes made by clergymen
who omit _Rev._ before their names and, in lieu of it, use _D.D._
following the name.
When it becomes necessary, for any reason, to write one’s name on a
visiting-card, the prefix _Mr._ should be given, following the ordinary
form of the engraved card.
Care should be taken in the case of mourning-cards to avoid a too
ostentatious parade of grief by an unduly broad margin of black.
Somewhat less than a half inch is permissible for a widow’s card, and,
after the first year, it is well to have this width reduced. Often,
other reductions in the size of the border are made at intervals of six
months, as long as the period of mourning continues.
The card of a widower must carry a border proportionately narrower, as
its size is smaller than a woman’s card, but the decrease in width is
made after the same manner.
When a woman elects to remain in mourning permanently, the narrow black
border may be retained throughout her lifetime.
It is not customary to make variations in the mourning border for the
commemoration of persons other than husband or wife. For these, a
fitting width is about a twelfth part of an inch, which remains the
same throughout the period of mourning.
When a call is made on a day at home, the card or cards are commonly
left in the hall on a tray placed for that purpose. A married woman
calling on the at-home day of another married woman for the first time
in the season leaves her own card and two of her husband’s cards. But
in later calls on the at-home day she leaves her card and the two cards
of her husband’s only when the call acknowledges entertainment offered
to them by the hostess.
There has been considerable simplification in recent years as to the
leaving of cards. They are no longer weirdly bent in sign of delivery
in person, and a smaller number are used. Thus, though the hostess
referred to above may have unmarried daughters receiving with her,
cards for them need not be left. But the presence of a married daughter
or a friend formally assisting in the reception of the guests requires
the leaving of a card.
A woman leaves no cards for the men of the family where she visits.
It is the business of the wife to fulfill her husband’s formal social
duties by leaving his cards with hers whenever entertainment should be
acknowledged.
Where two spinsters share a residence, a woman caller, the first time
in the season, should leave two of her cards, and also, if she is a
married woman, two of her husband’s. So, too, a card should be left
for a daughter or sister who is hostess of the house, even though she
may be unmarried.
When an unmarried girl uses her individual card, she should follow the
procedure indicated for the matron in the use of hers. Or she may use
the combination card of her mother and herself as already described
above.
A call on a mother and daughter who are out requires the leaving of two
cards. The same procedure is necessary in the case of a hostess who
has a friend staying with her. Likewise, a call made on a friend who
is a guest in another’s house demands the leaving of two cards. This
rule applies in the case of a man as well as of a woman. It should be
observed that two cards are deemed sufficient in most cases. Where,
however, the hostess has a guest staying with her and also daughters of
her own, three cards are to be left.
A man wishing to call on a particular woman must be punctilious
in leaving cards not only for the particular one in whom he is
interested, but also for the mother or chaperon, and still a third for
the host. But, if a call is made on a woman on her at-home day, no card
need be left, unless the call is in acknowledgment of entertainment. In
the latter case, a single card is left for the host. It is advisable,
however, that in his first call he should leave a card for convenience
in the matter of address.
It is permissible on certain occasions to leave visiting-cards with
the servant at the door, or to send them through the mail or by a
messenger, instead of making the call in person. Sometimes a woman who
is owing a call thus sends her card along with an invitation, as for
luncheon or dinner. The invitation is considered to justify the merely
formal matter of the card. So, too, a person receiving an invitation
from a hostess who is a stranger must, if the invitation is declined,
leave cards within two weeks after the date of the entertainment. An
invalid may send cards through the post in acknowledgment of calls of
inquiry, and a woman in mourning is able to fulfill her obligations in
the same manner. Cards are formally left by all who receive invitations
to a church wedding, and the requirement is the same for those to whom
an announcement of the marriage is sent. Such cards are demanded of
men and women both, to be left for the mother of the bride within a
fortnight after the ceremony. Cards are left within a proper time after
any form of entertainment to which the members of a club are invited,
though there may be no other social acquaintance with the hostess. In
calls of condolence or inquiry, cards are always left. They may be used
also, as hereinbefore stated, to announce a prolonged absence or a
change of address.
When cards are left in person, they are delivered to the servant
at the door. One or two or three are to be left according to the
circumstances. The caller should tell the servant the persons for whom
the cards are designed.
Good taste dictates that calls of inquiry concerning the condition of a
sick person should be made in person. Cards should be left at the time
of such calls, except in the case of intimates. The cards should not be
mailed or sent by messenger.
Acknowledgment of cards of condolence are made after a funeral by a
large black-edged card of thanks, which should be sent within a month.
Such cards are usually merely printed, not engraved. The wording should
be of the simplest.
_Mrs. Jack Robinson
returns thanks to
.............................
for her kind sympathy_
The address of the one sending the card should appear at the bottom.
The form is varied according to circumstances. Thus:
_Mrs. Montgomery James and Family
return thanks for your kind sympathy_
Some persons prefer to leave their visiting-cards with the mourning
border on those to whom acknowledgment is due, instead of sending
the special card by mail. Personal calls, however, are not made by
those in mourning within three months at least of the time of the
funeral. If earlier acknowledgment is to be made, the visiting-card
with mourning-border may be sent by mail within a few weeks. A word of
thanks should be written on the card. For example:
_With grateful appreciation of your sympathy_
The use of _P.p.c._ cards has already been described in the chapter
on calls. It should be added that they are convenient when one is
leaving on short notice without time to pay in person all calls due.
The _P.p.c._ card involves no duty of acknowledgment on the part of its
recipient.
A woman temporarily stopping in any place sends cards containing
her address to any acquaintances she may have there. Her ordinary
visiting-card serves the purpose, with a pencil line drawn through the
engraved address and the temporary one written above it. But a man, in
the same circumstances, makes his calls in person.
The new-born infant embarks on its social career by means of the card.
The birth of a child is made known to the mother’s social list by
mailing the mother’s card, which has tied to it by a strip of white
satin ribbon a card only a quarter as large carrying the full name of
the baby. In this case, the prefix _Mr._ or _Miss_ is omitted, but the
date of birth appears in a lower corner. The recipients of these cards
are required to call with inquiry as to the health of the senders,
and to leave their cards in return. Persons residing at a distance
may post their cards of acknowledgment, with a penciled phrase of
congratulation.
DINNERS
FORMAL INVITATIONS to dinner should be sent between five and ten days
before the date. A hostess may use her own discretion as to whether she
will write the invitations by hand or use an engraved form. The wording
is the same in either case.
_Mr. and Mrs. Walter Peck
request the pleasure of
...........................................
company at dinner
on.................evening
at........................o’clock
401 Armstrong Street_
The engraved form should be printed on a large, heavy piece of bristol
board in old English or block type, or in script. When the dinner has
a guest of honor, notice of the fact may be given by a line across the
bottom of the invitation:
_To meet Captain Arthur Shayne_
Or a special small card may be inclosed with the invitation, on which
is engraved a similar phrase.
When the affair is of extraordinary importance, the form of invitation
may dignify the purpose by announcing it at the outset.
_To meet
The Bishop of Albany
Mr. and Mrs. William Astor
request the pleasure of
........................................
company at dinner
on...........................evening
at.............................o’clock
401 Armstrong Street_
For dinners to which only a small number of persons are invited and
these mutually acquainted, the formal mode of invitation is not
required. A simple note is sufficient.
_31 Hamilton Place,
March 7th, 1919_
_My Dear Mrs. Robinson:_
_Will you and Mr. Robinson, if disengaged, give us
the pleasure of your company at dinner on Friday the
thirteenth, at half-past seven o’clock?_
_Yours sincerely,
Edith MacArthur_
This form may be varied according to the taste of the writer and the
degree of intimacy with the person to whom the invitation is sent.
When it becomes necessary to invite some one to take the place of a
guest who is unable to be present, this late invitation should not
be of the formal sort, but should be contained in a note frankly
explaining the circumstances. Such invitations, of course, are never
made to merely formal acquaintances.
The custom formerly prevailed of writing the initials _R.s.v.p._, on
the dinner invitations, the initials of the French words, répondez,
s’il vous plaît (reply if you please). But this usage has lost favor.
An invitation to dinner demands an immediate answer, either accepting
or declining. The invitation cannot be accepted conditionally, nor can
the decision be delayed. The form of reply should be as simple as the
form of the invitation.
_17 North Street
April 30th, 1919
Mr. and Mrs. Sloan Potter
accept with pleasure
Mr. and Mrs. John Morehouse’s
invitation to dinner
Tuesday evening, May the sixth
at half-past seven_
For a declination, the following form may be used:
_17 North Street
April 30, 1919
Mr. and Mrs. Sloan Potter
regret that their absence from the city
must prevent their acceptance of
Mr. and Mrs. John Morehouse’s
invitation to dinner on
Tuesday evening, May the sixth
at half-past seven_
The invitation in the form of a note is answered similarly by a note.
Thus:
_42 Chestnut Street
April 30, 1919
My Dear Mrs. Morehouse:_
_It is with much pleasure that I accept your kind
invitation to dinner on Tuesday evening, the sixth, at
half-past seven o’clock._
_Yours sincerely,
Helen Potter_
A declination should state a courteous reason.
All such answers are addressed to the hostess alone. If she is married
the husband is, nevertheless, omitted from the address.
The reply to an informal invitation should always be correspondingly
informal.
For a formal dinner, there should be an even number of guests, eight or
ten, or more, with the sexes evenly divided.
Either a round or square table will serve, but it should be large
enough to accommodate all the party without crowding.
A pad should cover the table. The white cloth over this should be so
large that the corners reach nearly to the floor.