The Buccaneer thought that for a contented and prosperous people he had
his fair share of disaffection; but Liberty now ushered in a pale-faced
and solemn looking batch, who declared that drink was sending the
Buccaneer's people to the dogs and the devil. They carried in front of
them a banner on which was depicted a drunkard beating his wife, and
ill-using his starved children. On the reverse, there was the besotted
mother and the sober but miserable husband. This cheerless-looking lot,
upon whose features laughter-loving mirth never seemed to dwell, were
the total abstainers, who declared that nothing would save the Buccaneer
and his people, except they were all made sober by law.
"Why, Jack!" cried the Buccaneer, turning to his friend, "one lot wants
to feed me on peacods, while another wants to drench me with water."
But now a portly lot of red-faced, pimply-nosed publicans, whose
stomachs were as round as one of their own beer barrels, pushed their
way to the front, and swore that water was being the ruin of them. They
told the Buccaneer in plain and unmistakable language, that if his
people continued to walk in the paths of sobriety at the same rate at
which they were at present going, the source from which he derived no
little of his revenue would be completely dried up, and he would lose
millions of his yearly income, when his upper classes would have to bear
the burden of increased taxation.
The Buccaneer always taxed his upper classes as much as ever he could.
Perhaps this was right. Besides, what was called the people, that
mighty, but barely defined force, did not like taxation, and therefore
they were exempted; but they had no prejudice otherwise against the
principle.
The Buccaneer was touched, and after a moment's consideration he said,
"Why can't my subjects drink in moderation, and not make beasts of
themselves?"
"Why not, indeed, sir?" answered the publicans. "A man in moderation can
take a good quantity of liquor and not hurt himself, and yet benefit the
trade and his country. We set our face against your habitual drunkard.
He is our enemy, because he gives in too soon. It is the steady drinker;
the man who is always at it, and yet who never gets himself into
difficulties, that is our friend."
To lose millions a year. This was indeed a serious affair, and the
Buccaneer feared that those muddling water drinkers would do him
considerable harm. But there was a bright spot looming in the distance,
for had not his trusty Captain Dogvane told him that there was a heathen
nation with an immense population to be civilised? Of course it was
against his religious principles that he should place drunkenness within
easy reach of this people; but then, if at the same time he gave them
his Book, and rescued them from the devil, that would be a fair
exchange, and in all things human, there must be shortcomings; things
that one would willingly prevent if one could, but we cannot expect
perfection in this world, and we must therefore have recourse to that
most useful and necessary custom of winking at things we cannot help. It
is much to be regretted, that the heathen with civilisation will take to
strong liquors, as naturally apparently as a duck takes to water. But he
does, so there is an end of it. The Buccaneer now eased his conscience
by being extremely severe upon his publicans whom he read a sharp
lecture. He treated them in a most haughty manner, said they were a
demoralizing agency; a blot, a blemish, and a disgrace; but still he
took their money. He told them they had better take care of themselves.
The publicans said that was the very thing of all others they would try
to do; but they added that the officers of the Buccaneer's Revenue were
so precious sharp, and were so much against them, and were down upon
them with such heavy penalties if they attempted to help their friends
the teetotallers, by watering their ales, and other strong drinks, that
virtue had no chance to be over-virtuous. They declared that the
licentious Revenue officers hovered over them like a lot of hungry
vultures; and with their meddlesome ways were doing an infinity of
mischief.
The publicans were a mighty power in the Buccaneer's kingdom, and it is
to his credit that he rebuked them even as he did. He read them a
lecture, and having in his mind's eye the banner of the teetotallers he
pointed out to the delinquents the frightful consequences of drink. The
publicans were quite equal to the occasion, they said that there were
two sides to every question, and that the devil himself was not half as
black as he was painted. To this the Lords Spiritual took exception, and
they rose in a body and entered their protest against such a blasphemous
assertion. Of course this weighty matter could not be argued out at such
a time, or in such a place; but it was taken up on board the old Church
Hulk, and received there all the attention it deserved, and no doubt it
was the means of adding still more to the Buccaneer's numerous sects.
Some were inclined to subject the devil to the fashionable process known
as white-washing. As every eminent blackguard in ancient, and up to a
certain time even in modern history, has undergone this treatment, there
is no reason why his satanic majesty should be left out in the cold. It
seems hard that the blackguard Judas should not have been favoured, but
perhaps some champion will yet arise to take up his cause. Does not the
Christian world owe him something? Would it have been saved from the
torments of hell, if Judas had not played the betrayer's part? The
publicans said there was a good deal of prejudice about drink. That
party feeling here, as elsewhere, ran extremely high, engendering very
much animosity, and thus a good deal of obloquy and unjust reproach was
heaped upon the head of the poor drunkard. They begged that the subject
might be approached in no mean or narrow spirit. They maintained that
the drunkard, if only a steady going drunkard, and a man of regular
habits, was a public benefactor. One who did his best through the means
of indirect taxation to swell the revenues of the State, and as a vast
number of the Buccaneer's people paid no direct taxes, the only way they
helped to keep up the dignity, the honour, the welfare, and the safety
of the empire was by getting as drunk as they could, as often as they
could. Indeed, looking at it from their point of view, the greater the
drunkard, the greater the benefactor he was to the community; he being a
man who sacrificed himself, and frequently his family, for the sake of
his country, as every good citizen should. If he broke down occasionally
under the burden of indirect taxation, he was an object more of pity
than of contempt. And if he beat his wife, and starved his children,
what then? The individual must at all times be sacrificed for the sake
of the general public. So eloquent were the publicans, and there was so
much force in what they said, that the Buccaneer began to waver. The
publicans seeing the good impression they had made, continued on in the
same direction, and pointed out that if the teetotallers set up the pump
and pulled down the pot-house, that not only would the great Buccaneer
lose his revenue, but that his people would assuredly become gourmands,
for that there never was a total abstainer who was not a large if not a
coarse feeder, and of the two, a drunkard, they declared, bad as he was,
was infinitely to be preferred to a glutton.
The case was undoubtedly a serious one. Not one amongst the grand
company--not even Dogvane himself--would dare to give an opinion
directly against the publicans, such was their power in the island. The
Buccaneer was obliged to admit that the drunkard was a despicable
rascal, and the cause of very great misery; but then the public-houses
brought in such a very large revenue.
There appeared to be only one way out of the difficulty and that was to
have recourse to a Royal Commission. This institution which has before
been mentioned, requires to be explained, for it was extremely useful to
the Buccaneer and got him out of many difficulties. It was a wonderful
institution and had many and various virtues. It was supposed to contain
a cure for every evil under the sun and to possess wonderful powers of
finding out ills and their several remedies; and it was supposed to have
a microscopic eye, and a bright intelligence, that shed a light into the
darkest holes and corners. At least, it was supposed to do all this. It
was a mysterious institution, having, indeed, some of the attributes of
the Inquisition. There was one thing about it that was evident to all.
It was extremely slow in its working, and perhaps in this lay no little
of its virtue, for anything that it took under its consideration faded
away from public view long before any conclusion was arrived at, and
thus it may be said that it squeezed all the life out of whatever it sat
upon, and then buried its victim in some official pigeon-hole, or other
tomb belonging to oblivion.
What the publicans had said brought forward the butchers; but Billy
Cheeks had nothing to do with these. They declared they were doing
scarcely any business. They said that however true it might be, as a
general rule, about water-drinkers being large eaters, they saw no signs
of total abstinence in this respect amongst the people. They added that
what with foreign competition and the growing carefulness of
housekeepers, who kept far too sharp an eye upon their allies the cooks,
their profits were falling off every day. Then they pointed out that
their trade was being threatened by the vegetarians, who could stuff
themselves to repletion for about sixpence, or even less. Now a farmer,
who having heard what the butchers had said, declared butchers ought to
be making large fortunes, for that they charged the people quite double,
and sometimes more, than what they gave for the meat. This was quite
true, but then the butchers only acted upon that principle of robbery
which was to be detected in the breast of most of the trading
Buccaneers, and was all due, no doubt, to an old Sea King, or pirate,
having taken to business in his latter years, and the principle on which
he traded, namely, of turning his five talents into ten.
The dispute between the burly farmer and the burly butcher seemed
likely to end in blows; but the vegetarians stepped in and acted as a
buffer. They declared that animal food was not at all necessary, and
that if men would only feed upon vegetables there would be no wars and
they would live longer and more intellectual lives.
"If that comes to pass," said old Jack, "farewell to the lowing herds
and the bleating flocks, for man isn't going to keep these things to
look at, and a pretty flabby weak-kneed lot we shall be. Give me my chop
and toothsome steak, say I."
Jack was told that he was very much behind the time and that science was
dead against him. This discussion was put an end to by the appearance of
the milkmen who complained that they had suffered considerably since
they had been stopped manufacturing their own cream, adulterating their
milk with water, and mixing fat with their butter. In fact, all the
tradesmen had the same story to tell, and cried out against the
stringent laws which ground them down to a rigid line of honesty.
Perquisites and peculation, they declared, were almost things of the
past, and they added that all this was strictly against the interests of
trade, and was not according to precedent. They wanted to know where the
Buccaneer would have been if, in his fine old Buccaneering days, he had
been so hampered. In conclusion they declared that a too rigid honesty
was not compatible with prosperity, and that though "honesty is the best
policy" is a capital text to put over your door, it is a bad principle
to practise behind the counter. They added that "_caveat emptor_" ought
to be the motive power between man and man in all his mercantile
transactions, and that idiots should be left to take care of themselves.
This unprincipled language horrified the Buccaneer, who having long
since become wealthy, could now afford to be honest, virtuous, and
respectable. So he condemned, in no measured terms, these nefarious
adulterators, and would-be peculators. It is true that these tradesmen
were but chips of the ancient block; but that block had now been laid
aside, and was only produced on very great and state occasions, when the
magnitude of it quite overshadowed all the small chips that had been cut
from it, and the block was so highly polished that it looked altogether
beautiful and quite virtuous.
But who are these men, who look like whitened sepulchres, that are
treading so closely upon the heels of the milkmen?
These are the Buccaneer's bakers, who declared that nearly all the
Buccaneer's bread was made by foreign hands, who were literally taking
the very bread out of the mouths of the Buccaneer's own sons.
The Buccaneer knew there was very great truth in this. But how was he to
remedy the evil? His was a free land and people ever had been allowed to
come and to go at their own pleasure; and to buy and sell, and to make
their money as best they could. Then the bakers had the same complaint
about the severity of the law, which kept so strict an eye upon them all
to the detriment of trade, that it was not safe to use any of the
substances so useful in adulterating bread, such as bean meal, rice
flour, potatoes and peas, indian corn, salt, and alum. Of course they
admitted that too much alum was not good for the human stomach, but that
was no business of theirs, and the human stomach could adapt itself to
all things, so wonderfully and marvellously was it made.
The brewers next had their say, and declared that their ales and stouts
stood a chance of being washed out of the market by the light beverages
from the other side of the water, and that these and wishy-washy wines
were ruining their trade, and undermining the constitution of the
people. These malcontents declared that this was but the thin end of the
wedge which was eventually to cleave the Buccaneer's prosperity asunder.
It was by good strong brewed ales and beef that he had made himself what
he was, and unless John Barleycorn was reinstated they fully believed
that the Buccaneer would dwindle down to the mere shadow of his former
self.
This oration met with general approval; for there were many who thought
that beer and beef produced good muscle, sound bodies, and healthy and
courageous minds; but a sickly smile played upon the features of the
teetotallers and vegetarians, who pitied all those whose minds were so
much clouded by ignorance.
Now a general cry rose up from amongst the traders against the buyers,
who, it was said, were ruining trade by their co-operation, which, it
was declared, had taken all the gilt off their gingerbread. The strange
part of the thing was, that while the shop-keepers claimed the privilege
of combining together to fleece their customers they denied the latter
the right of combining together for their own protection. "How," they
asked, "were poor people to maintain their families, make a modest
competence, and support their public burdens, if the consumers
patronized co-operative stores?" They all declared that in days,
unhappily long since past, people lived quite as long as they did now,
if not longer. This they considered a conclusive proof that
adulteration, if conducted upon the principles of moderation, was not
detrimental to the coatings of the human stomach, which, they said, was
being ruined by the extreme care that was being taken of it, until
indeed there was a good chance of that pampered and petted member ruling
the whole body in a most tyrannical manner. The stomach had been made to
do certain work; then why relieve it of its responsibility?
The tailors now advanced, and they also had their grievance; for they
declared that the atmosphere was so impregnated with honesty that their
cabbages were nothing like as fine as what they used to be; and they
made the same cry out against foreign competition. The shoemakers had
the same tale to tell. Behind these came the handmaids to fashion and
folly, who declared that their field of operation was becoming more and
more contracted, not on account of any falling off in the vanity of the
female sex, but on account of the cruel laws that had been passed to
guard the husbands against the extravagance of their wives. All this
they declared was extremely unjust and entirely against the interest of
trade.
The honest Hodge family now came lumbering along, and each member
carried in his hands a halter of rope. The Buccaneer beheld them with
amazement, for he feared they were going to take a leaf out of the
Ojabberaways' book and make a prisoner of the poor old Squire. He was
relieved to find they had no such intention. The Hodge family were one
and all agriculturalists, but they declared that times were sadly out of
joint with them. They said they wished to make a prisoner of no one; but
they each of them had been promised a cow and a bit of land, by a
gentleman they saw amongst the grand company, and they had brought the
bit of rope to lead their beast back. "Hodge," cried the Buccaneer,
"your bed may not be one of roses; but your condition has wonderfully
improved. Your wages in the last fifty years have been doubled, and so
have your comforts. You ever have had the reputation of being an honest
fellow, willing to earn by the sweat of your brow a living; keep in the
same track. Remember promises are made of pie crust, and take care, my
honest fellow, that designing people neither make a tool nor a fool of
you." Hodge scratched his head to try by gentle irritation to conjure
his brain into such a state of activity that he might understand the
situation, but he found no relief, and had to go away muttering to
himself that "summut must be wrong somewhere."
A complete damper was now put upon the whole of the proceedings, by the
appearance of a most melancholy and miserable-looking body of men. On
their faces woe, deep woe, sat enthroned, and their dress bore testimony
to the depth of their sorrow. This mournful section of the disaffected
could scarcely speak for emotion. It was a deputation from the
undertakers, who declared that unless something was done to revive and
encourage their drooping trade, they would all have to throw themselves
upon the community by entering the work-house. They said their business
was not what it had been or what it ought to be. Though perhaps they did
not suffer as much as other traders from foreign competition, people
still having sufficient respect for themselves to wish to be buried in
home-made coffins, yet the general depression, but more especially that
which bore so heavily upon their worthy friends, the publicans, bid fair
to ruin them. Indeed, they saw little before them but their own
tenantless coffins. Then they said that buryings had so fallen off that
little or no margin for profit was left, for not only had they decreased
in number, but also considerably in quality. People, they declared,
seemed to take more care of themselves than they used to; eating less,
and drinking less; consequently living longer. Then when they died they
generally left behind them strictly economical and even niggardly
instructions, and worse still, relations who were mean enough to carry
them out. They said all this was against the interests of trade, and
ought to be put a stop to. All hired grief, they declared, was a drug
upon the market. The nodding funereal plumes were fast vanishing. The
pensive, sorrow-faced, and red-nosed mute, they declared, would soon be
a being of the past, and would only live in the pages of history, unless
some fresh life was put into him by more frequent deaths, and more
decent and expensive funerals. They said that the money now spent upon
floral decorations, which in a few hours were crushed under the earth,
if they did not find their way to the grave-digger's cottage, would keep
a mute in drink and his wife and family in bread for many weeks, and
they declared that such sinful waste ought to be put down by the strong
arm of the law. It was a pity, they said, that such a hardness of heart
had seized upon the Buccaneer's people, for that now the circumstances
of the deceased could no longer be told by the funeral obsequies, and
that now many a great, and even rich man, went to his last resting-place
with no more pomp, than if he had been one of mean degree. A few widows
perhaps, whose hearts were stricken with remorse for the lives they had
led their husbands, and out of gratitude for the comfortable
circumstances they had been left in, still showed liberality, but the
number, though respectable, was not more than sufficient to give a small
flicker to the dying lamp of their prosperity.
With eyes brimful of tears, they declared that their old friends, the
doctors, were deserting them, for they did not now kill half the people
they used to, and there seemed to be a selfish desire on all sides to
cheat the grave, and consequently to injure the undertakers.
Then they declared that science was doing an infinity of harm by poking
its nose into every offensive smell it came across, by trapping drains,
emptying, and forbidding cesspools, and finding sanitary preventions for
nearly every disease. This, they declared, was violating one of the
Buccaneer's most cherished principles, namely, the liberty of the
subject. They further said that their trade now, owing to the doctors,
science, and the spread of education, which was an enemy to dirt and
drains, seldom, if ever, received a fillip from the friendly hand of an
epidemic. As the absence of outdoor, and indoor, parish relief was an
index to the prosperity of the country, so they declared that the
falling off even in pauper funerals bore ample testimony to their
languishing trade.
Thus ended this funeral oration, and it had such an effect upon the
Buccaneer that what little spirits he commenced the day with had
completely vanished. It seemed to him that each hour brought before him
a sadder picture, and he called for the captain of his watch, for he
wanted to ask him how he could reconcile what he had said about the
general happiness, and prosperity of his people, with this long list of
disaffection. But old Dogvane was not to be found. Some said he had only
just gone round the corner for a few minutes, while others said he was
on duty on board of the old Ship of State.
After a little consideration the Buccaneer made known to the undertakers
how deeply he was grieved at their sad story, "But," he added, "in such
things it is not well to act with indecent haste, lest some greater
injury should be done. So grave do I consider the matter you have
brought before me that I promise you a Royal Commission."
With voices quivering with emotion the undertakers thanked their august
master for his extreme consideration, and most gracious condescension,
and they said they felt sure that if their case was only laid before a
Royal Commission it would certainly not be prejudiced by any undue, or
indecent haste.
But now there was a great commotion going on in the crowd, and two angry
women were heard abusing each other like the proverbial fish-fags. The
one was called Fair Trade, the other Free Trade. These two had had a
quarrel of long standing, and they never met that they did not exchange
compliments. Each carried baskets, in which were various articles of
merchandise. They seemed now to have a strong inclination to tear each
other to pieces, and their shrill voices were heard for a considerable
distance, and forced themselves upon the ears of the grand company.
"If I had my way," cried the one known as Fair Trade, "I would tear all
that cheap finery of yours off your back."
"Yes," exclaimed the other, "and stick it upon your own. That costly,
but sober looking homespun of yours needs something to set it off," so
said Free Trade, who held up before the eyes of the people her cheap
wares.
"Buy my home-made loaf," cried Fair Trade.
"Buy mine at half the price," cried Free Trade.
"Better give me double for mine," exclaimed Fair Trade, "than deal with
that woman. She is bringing ruin upon us with her cheap trash. Through
her our cornfields lie fallow. Through her our industries languish, and
some even have passed away from us. Through her our country has been
filled with idle hands, and the wolf of want has been brought to many a
door."
"They don't seem to have settled their dispute yet, Jack," the Buccaneer
said.
"No, sir. A few years since and nothing would do but you must lie the
old bluff-bowed ship Protection up, and now some of them are always
casting longing eyes at her, and their sighs of regret would fill the
sails of a Seventy-Four."
"What!" cried the Buccaneer, in dismay, as he saw Poverty with her large
family of ragged and half-starved children now come on to the scene.
"You here again. Why I am constantly doing something for you, and my
Great Hat is forever being sent round."
"And still I want," said Poverty.
"I have built you model dwellings. I have ordered all your drains to be
trapped; your cesspools cleaned, and your dustbins emptied; and all your
children I insist upon being sent to school, so that they may learn the
efficacy of comfort and cleanliness, and learn to bear with patience
their many sufferings."
"But I ask for food," persisted Poverty.
The Buccaneer now said, "I give you, my good woman, the very best of all
food, namely, food for the mind."
But Poverty answered, "Why turn the lamp of knowledge into my hovel? Why
teach me that while others have plenty, I am in rags, cold, and hungry.
Knowledge on an empty stomach is a dangerous thing. To open my eyes is
the refinement of cruelty, for ignorance, at least, dulls the edge of
misery. If you cannot fill my stomach and patch up the rents in my
clothes, then in pity kill me. Send me to a lethal chamber and let me
revel for a brief moment in the luxury of one good meal, and let me pass
into eternity without the pinching pangs of hunger."
This language shocked every one, and the feeling was still more
increased, when Pity, who was standing not far off weeping, said,
"Mother, if you cannot feed this poor woman and her many children; if
you have no room for them, then for my sake take them to thy bosom,
close their eyes, and hush them to sleep in everlasting slumber."
Poverty was chided in a gentle tone by the Buccaneer's High Church
dignitaries there assembled, and prayers were said for her, and she was
told that though she received stripes and lashes here, in the next world
she would be rewarded, and she was bid to fix her gaze upon that region
which lies beyond the grave, where the bright star of Hope is forever
shining, and where there is neither hunger, cold, nor thirst.
Just as all sympathy was enlisted on the side of this poor woman a
circumstance happened that changed the whole current of feeling.
Suddenly a cry rose up of "Stop, thief." It was now found that while all
interests were centred upon Poverty, one of her children, seeing the
opportunity, slipped round, and getting unobserved upon the platform,
had crawled along, in a most irreverent manner, under the legs of the
Lords Spiritual, and being totally uninfluenced by the atmosphere of
sanctity in which he moved, the young rascal had slipped his hand into
the capacious pocket of the Buccaneer, and had taken therefrom ever so
much gold and silver, while the old coxswain was found to have lost his
best silk bandana.
This bold act of robbery caused a great commotion, and extreme
indignation, and in trying to catch the thief, Poverty was entirely
forgotten, for, of course, crime in a community is a much more serious
thing than any amount of want, though one is frequently but the
offspring of the other.
So indignant was the Buccaneer at this gross act of ingratitude, that
directly he regained his composure, he read Poverty a lecture and told
her she ought to be ashamed of herself, and that unless she took better
care of her children they would be sure to fall into either the jailer's
or the hangman's hands. "No wonder," he said, "that misery darkens your
doors, and hunger pinches your children's stomachs. Away with you," he
cried, "and learn to be honest, thrifty, industrious, and sober, for God
alone helps those who help themselves."
There was a twinkle in the old coxswain's eye. He was labouring, like a
ship in a gale of wind, under the influence of a joke. A joke is of such
a nature that the owner of it cannot keep it in. Like murder it will
out. "Master," he said, "your doctrine is a little dangerous. You scold
Poverty one moment for what you bid her do the next."
"How so?"
"Why did not her young brat help himself to my bandana and to your
superfluous cash?"
The expression on the Buccaneer's face at thus being trifled with, was
such that old Jack, to make use of sea-faring language, bore away, and
mixed amongst the crowd, just as another great hubbub arose from the
regions of the disaffected. The grand court was broken up by Demos, who
having collected as many as he could of the discontented had raised his
standard again and was for enthroning King Mob in the Buccaneer's chair
of State. With wild shouts and with flourishes of sticks and other
improvised weapons, he came on and demanded a hearing, and many thought
there would be just such another to-do as when the old cox'sn so
gallantly defended the gorge and regained possession of the Place of
Discord.
Demos now in the attitude more of a dictator than a supplicant, demanded
of the Buccaneer that capital should be confiscated and divided amongst
the people. That luxury should be banished. That all should be made to
work for a living and that the hours of labour should be defined,
limited, and enforced by law. "By nature," he said, "all are equal, and
in the sight of God there is no such thing as class distinction. Every
person born is born to an inheritance, and that is a right to live."
Demos declared that all property must be common, and all human drones
destroyed. He raised the old cry of equality, which history and even
nature has proved to be an impossibility.
When the crowd heard the words of Demos there was a great shouting and
clapping of hands. This comprehensive scheme somewhat frightened the
upper layer of the Buccaneer's society; some of whom declared that Demos
had foreign blood in his veins; that he was an alien. But Demos cried
out, "No alien am I. I am as much your child as those who sit enthroned
in high places. They toil not, neither do they spin, but live by the
labour of other people. It is against the vampire capital, that I wage
my war. That bloodsucker, which feeds upon the industries of your poorer
children, who have built up for you your present greatness by the sweat
of their brows and by the blood of their bodies."
"And would you, my lad, from sheer envy and hatred," cried the
Buccaneer, "pull down in one day what it has taken me so many years of
toil to build up? From what babbling brook have you drunk in your
principles?"
"From no babbling brook," Demos exclaimed, "but from that deep spring
which has been handed down to us from ages past. Did not the Great
Master, whom yonder old Church Hulk professes to follow, teach us that
all men before God are equal, and that all property should be held in
common."
Here the High Priest of the Buccaneer rose up and said, "Our Great
Master never, by either word or deed taught, or even sanctioned,
robbery. On the contrary, He enjoined every man to be contented with
that which he had; not to covet other men's goods. He said, give, but
never take. But you are not the first who has tried to distort the
Scriptures to serve your own selfish ends."
"Is it not written," said Demos, "him that taketh thy cloak forbid not
to take thy coat also?"
"That neither sanctions nor justifies the confiscation," replied the
High Priest. "Is it not also written that the things belonging to Caesar
shall be given to Caesar?"
"But who is Caesar?" cried Demos. "I am no longer a boy now, to be petted
and cajoled, and to be bought over by sweetmeats or a piece of cake. I
have a freeman's limbs, give me then a freeman's rights."
It is not to be supposed that on so great an occasion the Buccaneer's
old coxswain, Jack Commonsense, was going to remain silent, so he said,
as he shoved himself to the front, for he had lost his place in the
confusion brought about by the act of robbery on the part of one of
Poverty's children. "Master!" he cried, "I am on in this scene. What
rights, my lad," he said addressing Demos, "do you claim that you have
not got, except the right of putting your hands into other people's
pockets; just because your own happen to be empty or not too full? This
is a robbing of Peter to pay Paul, with a vengeance."
"Who are you," said Demos, "that you should make yourself a judge over
us?"
"Who am I?" quoth the coxswain. "Who am I, forsooth! It is a pity, my
lad, you should have to ask the question; but there; memories the likes
o' yours are always short; who am I, indeed! why I am Jack Commonsense,
very much at your service, my lad, and cox'sn to the honest rover."
Suddenly correcting himself, he said, as he lifted his tarpaulin in
token of respect, "that is to say, Sea King, that ever ploughed the
briny ocean. I have stood by my master, my lad, in fair weather and in
foul, and when the stormy winds have blown, and the dark rocks and
savage cliffs of danger have been upon our lee, oftentimes I have seized
the helm and steered my master clear, and damme, if I will desert him
now. Now listen, my lad, and all you whom it may concern, while I spin
you a yarn that I picked up on the Spanish Main, ages ago. We picked up
many things there, master, did we not? Dubloons and other treasures. But
here's my yarn. Once upon a time, a man had five sons, and when he was
dying he called them round him, and gave to each a fair share of his
property, and told them to act to each other as he had acted towards
them, and to have all things in common amongst themselves. But one, my
lad, so the story goes, d'ye see, was a spendthrift, another was a wine
bibber, while another was a glutton; the fourth was a seeker after
pleasure, while the fifth was a hard working industrious and sober man.
The four first named would do anything but work, and they each gave away
their birthright to the fifth; the one for this thing, according to his
want, the other for that, until at length the fifth son had possession
of the whole patrimony; would you, my lad, were you in his place,
divide, and go on dividing amongst your ne'er-do-well brothers to all
eternity? Not you, or you are a greater fool than I take you to be.
Where then is your community of property? Then as to your equality. That
won't wash, my mates. There is no such thing as equality, for one is
strong, another weak; one is swift of foot, another slow, while one has
more brains than another. Why the hides of asses ain't all of a
thickness, and the stick that reaches one, won't touch another; but let
that fly stick to the wall, even among thieves and such like vermin,
there is no equality, the strongest always getting the lion's share.
Take all our master has, and lay it out before you; feast your eyes upon
it; gloat over it, and then begin to divide it equally amongst
yourselves, and you will be at each other's throats before you know
where you are; so much for your brotherly love. Then, my mates, before
you commence pulling down, you ought to decide upon what sort of a
commonplace hovel you are going to build up. But the first thing you
ought to do, is to turn out all the blackguards belonging to our
neighbours, for we have enough of our own, and whatever right you think
you may have to other people's property, foreign rapscallions can have
none, and if you allow them to cry shares, you will be robbing your own
honest selves. Trade will languish and die out, for there will be no
security for earnings, and no emulation. Ambition, that mighty lever to
human actions, will succumb. Farewell too, to art; and science even
will flag for want of nourishment. As luxury is to be banished in our
earthly paradise, all carriages will be put down, and all the hands
employed in connection with them, will be thrown upon the market. The
horses will have to be turned out to grass, and live a life of indolent
ease, until they vanish from the land or are turned to a different use,
for nature has decreed that nothing useless shall last. The vanities and
even the luxuries of the rich furnish thousands of deserving mouths with
their daily food; but all this will have to be stopped, and God alone
knows who will benefit. Then I suppose you will occupy the palaces of
the rich, as long as they stand, by people of one common level of social
standing, and we shall sink into a nation of flats. Let that fly also
stick to the wall. Then as no new mansions will be built, for want of
wealth, the builders' trade will suffer, and more idle hands will be
thrown on the community. Enterprise will die and one trade after another
will go, and then farewell to all. The great Sea King upon whose vast
empire the sun never sets; the mighty trader, the great pioneer of
civilisation; he whose footprints are to be seen in every part of the
universe will sink, unremembered unrespected, and unregretted into the
silent tomb of the past and some stronger, and wiser people will take
his place.
"Master!" cried the cox'sn turning to the bold Buccaneer, who listened
with wonder to old Jack's long-winded harangue. "Master!" he cried,
"this Demos is but a boy amongst us yet; he is a young colt that must be
neatly bitted and ridden on the curb, or he will of a surety bolt and
fling his rider into the ditch as his forebears have done before him."
Just as things were looking at their worst, the sound of music came over
the water from the old Ship of State. It was Pepper, the cheery little
cook, the foster father of Demos, playing a tune upon his barrel organ.
The strains had a mellowing and soothing influence upon the whole
company, and so what at one time bid fair to take a serious turn passed
off quietly, and so ends the longest if not the dullest chapter in this
eventful history.