So far so well. The storm had been avoided. The cook and burly butcher
bowed their heads humbly before their captain; for no matter where he
led they were prepared to follow. Some said that the cook could only
expect promotion by sticking through thick and thin to the coat-tails of
old Dogvane; but the carpenter's spirit was mutinous, and he showed no
disposition to dance either to the cook's organ, or to be monkey-led by
the captain of the Starboard Watch.
Although the Buccaneer was somewhat pacified, he determined to look into
things a little more himself, for, as he said, there could not be so
much smoke without a certain amount of fire. To begin with, he told the
captain of his watch that he intended interviewing the heads of some of
his departments. Dogvane tried to dissuade his master. He said it would
be unconstitutional and all sort of things. That the officials would not
like it. They could not bear meddling; it hurt their dignity. But it was
of no use, the Buccaneer was determined.
The high State officials who had the management of the affairs on board
of the old ship thought, like most other servants, that they could best
serve their master by squandering his money; and they did it right
royally. Perhaps royally is not the proper word, for royalty is often
careful, if not close, with its own money, whatever it may be with other
people's.
The lavish manner in which the Buccaneer's servants spent his money was
conspicuously shown in the administration of his army and navy, and in
fact in all his public works. The one great principle being to spend a
pound in laying out a penny, no matter whether it was a ship of war that
had to be built or the mouth of a poor starving person that had to be
filled. Whether this waste was due to carelessness, stupidity, or
ignorance, or to a combination of all three, matters little. The result
was the same.
Finding his master was not to be put off, Dogvane began to cry up his
wares like the long shore cheap-Jacks.
"Your Navy, sir," he said, "is in excellent condition, though of course,
the watch on shore deny this; but that is according to custom. We have
placed your navy in the hands of those who have been chosen on purely
constitutional principles. Here again, we show that we are not the
revolutionist that our enemies would make us out to be. Your first lord
of the Admiralty we have selected from amongst those who are
distinguished for their ignorance in all maritime matters. Men who do
not know a ship's head from a ship's tail. I believe I should, to be
quite correct, call it stern. It is of course a difficult thing to find
amongst an insular, and sea-faring people, any man absolutely ignorant,
but we do our best, and no man can do more. One thus selected, sir, on
purely constitutional principles, is more likely to be free from
prejudice than your professional man, and he is likely to exercise a
healthy check upon your sea lords, whose predisposition is to drift into
bloated armaments and bloody wars. This, of course, means money, and
your expenditure is already more than any of your neighbours, and if we
have not as many ships, sailors, and soldiers, as we ought to have, or
than what your neighbours have, we at least spend ever so much more
money, which must be to you an extreme satisfaction. If they say, look
at our armies! we say, look at our expenditure! Your fellows do not cost
a quarter, or a fraction as much, man for man, as our fellows do, or
ship for ship. Cheap things, it is well known, are not only not good,
but they are frequently nasty. Although your first lord may be totally
ignorant of all things pertaining to the sea, he is ably assisted by
distinguished sailors, and your first sea lord is ever ready and willing
to set your first lord right when he goes wrong, which he seldom if ever
does, or if he does we never receive any official information on the
subject. They all support their party. They see nothing they ought not
to see, and are at all times ready to swear that whatever is, is right,
as far their watch is concerned, and that whatever is, is wrong, as far
as the other watch is concerned. Honest sailors can do no more."
"Master Dogvane, is this as it should be?" the Buccaneer asked.
"Most assuredly, sir. It is most constitutional, and according to your
general custom."
"Master Dogvane, I have found you to be of a sanguine temperament. You
told me my people were prosperous and contented. I have my doubts, and I
shall satisfy myself. But of that anon. Let my first lord of the
Admiralty be called."
The first lord was down below listening to the first sea lord spinning a
yarn, and he was trying to learn how to do it; because at times he was
called upon to spin yarns with reference to his department. As has been
already stated in this most truthful history, there was a time when the
Buccaneer ruled the stormy ocean. He was then one of the finest sailors
that ever trod a plank or made use of a strange sea oath; but times had
changed, and many thought that modern innovation had taken the wind out
of his sails, and that he at present traded upon his past reputation.
But people must say something.
The first lord of the Admiralty appeared. "Now, sir," said the
Buccaneer, "take charge, and let me see what you can do." The whole
sea-faring world had been so changed and modernized since the old
Buccaneer had commanded in person, that he really knew very little about
things; but ignorance can always be concealed by a discreet silence.
The first lord being thus called upon to show his professional
knowledge, cried out, "Ease her! backer! stopper!" This was addressed
through a speaking trumpet to the old Church Hulk alongside; but as she
had never been known to move for years past, what the first lord said
was without effect. Indeed the crew of the old Church ship were busily
occupied in trying a rebellious priest who would neither mend his ways,
nor leave his pulpit, but breathed defiance against the High Priest and
all his ecclesiastical big guns.
"What is all that about?" exclaimed the Buccaneer, addressing his first
lord.
"Those, sir, are nautical expressions I have picked up on the river,"
replied the first lord, "and I believe they are technically correct. If
they are not, I have no official information on the subject."
The old Buccaneer not willing to display his ignorance, said, "I want,
sir, to know what state your department is in. What have you been doing;
and how are my ships?"
"I have spent your money, sir, right well. I have bought some very fine
and fast new cruisers, and I gave as much for them as I decently could."
"How is this?" cried the Buccaneer, "I used to be the first shipwright
in the world."
"Rest easy, sir," Dogvane said. "These goods are of home manufacture. It
is your custom in times of peace to let your shipyards lie idle; but
when a scare comes, as come they will, in the best regulated nation,
then we buy your ships from private firms, and having husbanded your
wealth, you can the more readily give high prices in cases of
necessity."
"But is this wise, Master Dogvane?"
"It is constitutional, sir," was the captain's reply. He might have
added that it was also a customary thing to sell these ships, for which
so much had been given, for a mere song after the panic was over.
The first lord continued, "Then as to what I have done, sir, I have had
the Admiral Superintendent's house at your principal naval station
thoroughly repaired, cleaned, and re-decorated. All your ships that
float are in a serviceable condition, and as they have no enemy to
contend against, except the elements, they occasionally run into one
another, just to keep their hands in, and occasionally a ship is sunk or
disabled. Although we have a due regard for your great wealth, we do not
encourage a too frequent repetition of this, as it is extremely costly.
There is still 'a sweet little cherub that sits up aloft and looks out
for the life of poor Jack.' That is, he would no doubt sit up aloft if
he had anything to sit upon or any place to put it."
"You see, sir," exclaimed Dogvane with delight, "what excellent hands
your navy is in. Your first lord can also tip you a stave, as they say
at sea. He can sing you 'Oh! Pilot, 'tis a fearful night,' or 'All in
the Downs,' he is also exceptionally good at a break down."
This high praise quite pleased the first lord, and wishing to advance
himself still more in the good graces of his master, he said, "I can
take an observation. I can use the strangest of sea oaths, and I can at
all times make it eight bells."
"A man, sir, who can at all times make it eight bells, must needs be a
good sailor," Dogvane said.
"But let me see him work the ship, Master Dogvane."
The first lord being thus called upon to show his professional skill,
told the sea lord to stand by and look out for squalls, which he
accordingly did.
"Close by fours--" cried the first lord; but the sea lord stopped him at
once by saying, "Steady there, shipmate! you are getting mixed."
There was now a long discussion between the two lords of the Buccaneer's
Admiralty. The first lord declaring he never mixed, the first sea lord
declaring that he did. "Anyhow," cried the latter, "put your helm down
and go about."
"Aye, aye," cried the first lord. "Helm's a lee; raise tacks and sheet.
All hands splice the main brace!"
"Capital! capital!" exclaimed Dogvane, "your first lord, sir, is indeed
an excellent sailor. He can actually splice the main brace and I feel
sure that must be a most arduous undertaking; requiring much skill and
intelligence. He seems, indeed, to be gaining so much knowledge of his
profession that I shall have to move him to some other department,
probably the army; he has some slight knowledge of military matters, but
not enough to render him unfit for the post of secretary of State for
war. Fortunately the heads of your different departments are all
inter-changeable."
"How about his accounts, Dogvane?" the Buccaneer asked.
"Ah! there, sir, I think you will find his ignorance most creditable.
Accounts are a sort of thing that no high official could possibly be
expected to understand."
"What does my sea lord say?" asked the Buccaneer.
"Rivet my bolts and split my plates! what do I say."
"Note, sir, the change," Dogvane exclaimed. "It used to be shiver my
timbers, you see, sir, your first sea lord is quite in keeping with the
progress of the age. These changes of course have not been brought about
without much trouble and at great expense."
"What do I say, your honour!" cried the first sea lord, "why clear the
decks for action and strike up the band."
"What!" exclaimed the Buccaneer, as the blood mounted to his face, "are
we going to have a naval engagement? I have not seen such a thing,
Dogvane, for these many years past."
The Buccaneer now looked on with surprise at the first sea lord, who,
having thrown aside his cocked hat, folded his arms and danced round the
deck on the circumference of a circle.
"What is all this, Master Dogvane?" the Buccaneer asked.
"He is going to dance you a hornpipe, sir. Your people are particularly
fond of such things and they would come in crowds from miles away to see
your first sea lord do the double shuffle."
"But I don't want to see it, so stop him. I want to know something about
my ships."
With very great difficulty the first sea lord was stopped, for he was
well under weigh and it was some little time before they brought him up
by hanging on to the swallow tails of his coat.
"What do I say?" he cried. "That must depend very much upon what I am
expected to say. How's your head, captain?" This was addressed to
Dogvane and was meant as a signal of distress, and not as an expression
of solicitude for Dogvane's cranium. The hint was taken and the captain
said that their master wanted to know if his ships were well found and
whether he still ruled the sea.
To this the sea lord replied, "Every ship, sir, that is not in Davy
Jones' locker, has the sea well under her, and, therefore, it may be
asserted that she has complete control of the sea."
"Davy Jones' locker!" cried the Buccaneer in amazement, "why I sent very
few of my ships there in olden days and my enemies sent still fewer."
Dogvane explained to his master that rapid strides had taken place in
all things naval and that great changes had been brought about. "We have
been so pressed for room, sir," he exclaimed, "that we have been obliged
to turn Davy Jones' locker into one of your principal dockyards, where
we keep many of your ships which are not required for immediate use."
The first sea lord doused, as sailors say, his starboard glim, and
contemplated old Dogvane with the other, while a look of admiration and
a jovial smile played over his weather-beaten face as he answered:
"Aye, aye, sir, and every year we send a ship or two there to be
repaired. The remainder we tinker up ourselves." The old Buccaneer made
no answer. Things had evidently changed very much indeed since he was
himself afloat, but it never does for a master to display a want of
knowledge before his servants. As to whether the Buccaneer had lost his
skill in seamanship and ship-building was merely a matter of opinion.
But there could be no doubt that anything he had lost in one direction
was amply made up by what he had gained in the tinkering line. Here he
could not be surpassed.
"All your guns," continued the first sea lord, "that are neither cracked
nor burst are in excellent condition. Every ship that does not want for
anything is particularly well found, and your sailors, sir, are as jolly
and rollicking a lot of devils as ever turned a quid or drained a tot of
grog."
"Capital! capital!" cried Dogvane, as he clapped his hands with delight,
"such skill and knowledge must be rewarded. We must bestow some high
distinctions upon these two officials. We must ennoble them and send
round your Hat of maintenance." The lords of the Admiralty were then
dismissed.
In passing, it may be said that the old Buccaneer had navigated the
world in ships that, beside his present monsters, were but as cockle
shells, and all his great victories had been gained on board his old
wooden walls; but now his seamen were incased in iron or steel and had
to live and fight almost under water, and it was a matter of constant
dispute as to whether the Buccaneer had ships enough even to defend his
own shores. Some people going so far as to say that not only had he not
enough ships, but that he had no guns for what he had.