The Buccaneer's War Minister now received his summons, as in naval
matters, so in military. The high official who had charge of his army,
and was responsible for the safety of the Buccaneer's vast empire, was
totally ignorant, or nearly so, of all things connected with the
military profession. When Dogvane descanted upon his ignorance of all
things military, the Buccaneer exclaimed: "Stay, Master Dogvane! if my
body is ailing should I not send for a physician, one skilled in
disease? If my mind is disturbed upon some spiritual matter should I not
send for my spiritual adviser? And if I want a legal opinion should I
not go to my lawyer?"
"If you did, sir, I do not hesitate to tell you that you would be acting
in an altogether unconstitutional manner."
"What! then if I want a coat made I should not go to my tailor? If I
want a pair of boots I should seek some other than my shoemaker to make
them?"
"Undoubtedly, sir, for such ever has been your custom, and who will say
that it has not worked well; for you are both wealthy and great. Your
plan ever has been to put the roundest of men into the squarest of
holes. It is a fortunate thing, sir, that human nature is so pliable
that it can adapt itself to any condition."
The War Minister was in his particular part of the ship, occupied,
together with the most eminent of the Buccaneer's military officers, in
testing and trying which of all the advertised food for infants was best
adapted to the requirements of the Buccaneer's military babes. They had
not settled this weighty matter when the War Minister received his
summons. Not being a soldier he was completely taken by surprise, of
course no soldier would allow himself to fall into such a perilous
position; but to show his comrades that he had not lost his self
possession he altered somewhat an old song of the Buccaneer's to suit
present purposes, and went away merrily singing:
"I'm afloat, I'm afloat
In the old Ship of State,
The sailor's profession
I cordially hate."
No doubt his thoughts were wandering back to the time when he himself
had been at sea. In all probability he had had charge of the Buccaneer's
navy and becoming too full of knowledge had been removed to the army.
When he appeared before his master he became quite flustered. The
official mind does at times, it is well known, play sad tricks, and
displays upon occasions the most wonderful oblivion. When asked as to
the state his department was in, he replied: "Quite ship-shape, sir, and
ready for sea."
"It appears to me, sir," said the Buccaneer, "that you are at sea."
"Am I? Then let me go below. Like many others, I suffer until I get
accustomed to the up and down motion. The lee lurches and weather rolls
disturb me. The smell of the oil and tar is offensive, and the result is
painful. Then the sailor's quaint oaths I cannot understand. I dare not
chew, I cannot smoke, and I do not care to drink, so I feel convinced I
was never meant for the sea."
The War Minister was brought sternly back to his senses by Captain
Dogvane, who told him in a severe tone to "wake up," and remember that
he was at present in charge of the Buccaneer's Land Forces.
The War Minister was profuse in his apologies, and said: "In my time,
sir, I have filled so many posts that I occasionally get confused. Your
Army, sir, is most efficient, and I am proud to be able to tell you that
you pay more for your food, for powder, than any other nation under the
sun. This to one of your vast wealth must be a source of the greatest
satisfaction; indeed, it must be a glorious thing to contemplate. We
have recently made vast preparations, which of course have been
costly."
"This, sir, is as I told you, and will account for the money you
advanced me, over that little affair in the East."
"Ah! Master Dogvane, how is that going on?"
"Excellently well, sir," was Dogvane's reply; "at least I have no
official information to the contrary. At present, sir, things nearer
home claim our attention."
The War Minister continued: "We have laid in an immense amount of
warlike stores, and these, as every one knows, are most costly articles,
and it takes far more to kill a man in the present state of military
science than it would take to keep him alive and in comparative comfort
to the crack of doom. On paper, sir, I can mobilize an army, on paper I
could place it in the field and on paper I could feed and clothe it. I
could, if called upon, club either a battalion, a brigade or even a
division."
Dogvane was not a soldier, but he thought it right to encourage his
subordinates whether they were right or wrong, so he exclaimed:
"Capital, capital!" Then turning to his master, he said: "Beyond this,
sir, you could not expect your War Minister to go. For a general
deficiency in professional knowledge I feel sure it would be hard to
find his equal. For your practical information you must go to your Field
Marshal Commanding-in-Chief, than whom I am told you have no better
soldier, and no one has done more to stamp out from amongst your
soldiers the pernicious habit of using bad language; and this has not
been done by any brutal exercise of power, but all by kindness and the
force of good example."
"Then my Field Marshal never swears?" the Buccaneer asked.
"Never, sir; at least," he said aside, "hardly ever."
The Buccaneer, being a very religious man, was very pleased to hear
this. "But what is all this I hear," he said, "about my poor fellows who
are fighting for me not having proper food?"
"The campaign in which you are at present engaged in the East."
Dogvane stopped the War Minister abruptly, and went into a long
explanation. He drew many subtle distinctions as before, between
different kinds of warlike operations some of which he said, though
offensive in form were purely defensive in essence. In fact, if looked
at from a proper point of view were no operations at all. Dogvane's
reasoning was of such an obscure nature that nobody could understand it,
and there were doubts in the minds of some as to whether Dogvane himself
understood what he was talking about.
The Buccaneer, fearing he might get out of his depth if he followed his
captain too far, came back to the main charge, and said to his War
Minister: "I am told my soldiers' food was so bad that they could
scarcely eat it. That their tea and coffee was mere filth, and that even
the water they had to drink was of the vilest description, and this too,
when I am surrounded by the newest inventions which will make the
muddiest stream as pure as crystal, and I spare no expense?"
"None whatever, sir," was the War Minister's reply. "I can assure you we
pay the highest price for everything, and we can do no more. We have
heard no complaints, and vague rumours we never heed." The official ear
on the Buccaneer's island was quite as deaf as what the official eye was
blind. Dogvane said he should not be at all surprised if all these
reports were put about by the other watch, or as likely as not by that
busy little devil, Random Jack. "All about your War Office, sir," he
said, addressing the Buccaneer, "look particularly well fed, and are
well clothed. I have not seen a crack in either coat or trouser. They
seem to want for nothing, and they are, I presume, a fair sample of the
whole; but satisfy yourself, sir. Ask your Field Marshal if he is well
fed and well clothed, and as the fountain-head, so, no doubt, is the
stream that flows from it. No expense has been spared, I can assure
you."
"And so, Master Dogvane, you all think to serve best my interests by
squandering my money, which goes into the capacious pockets of the money
grabbing rascally contractors."
"We have it, sir, on the authority of your only general, who, though an
Ojabberaway, is worthy of credence, that, at no time in your whole
history has your army been in so excellent a condition."
"Have I then only one general?" the Buccaneer asked in surprise.
"Only one that we have officially any knowledge of; for further
information on that subject, sir, I must refer you to your
Commander-in-chief. Your military administration is distinguished for
its very great zeal and energy. For long and weary hours--in fact, from
10 o'clock in the morning till 4, or even 5 o'clock in the dewy evening,
the busy brains of your War Office officials are constantly at work
grinding up all military ideas to a common level of official pulp, and
it says a very great deal for the quality of the official brain that it
has never yet broken down under the severe strain that has been put upon
it. There has not been, as far as I know, a single instance of well
authenticated madness inside your War Office. Go to your arsenals, and
you will find them a busy hive of industry. The hive is occasionally
blown up by an explosion, but the operatives, as a class, are happy and
contented. Your military nurseries are full of the most promising
children, who will, should they survive the many ills that childish
flesh is heir to, develop, no doubt, into most excellent soldiers. Is it
not so?" This latter was addressed to the War Minister, who said that it
was, and added: "They have all been vaccinated, and most of them have
had the measles, and not a few the whooping-cough. In olden days, sir,
your battles were fought by the scum of your populations. This great
blot in your military system we are eradicating, and in the future, sir,
moral force, which, it has been estimated, is equal to about three to
one of physical force, will play no mean part in all your military
undertakings. Therefore, multiplying your units by three gives you a
first fighting line of over 500,000 men, with a total fighting power of
about one million and a half."
"Take care, sir," said the Buccaneer, "that you do not make my soldiers
too thin skinned. A pampered dog won't fight, and a hound too finely
bred will not face the prickles of a gorse bush. Whatever my soldiers
were in the past they fought well, and have built up for me a
reputation, that I hope my soldiers of to-day and those who lead them
and those who guide them will know how to keep. The deeds, Master
Dogvane, of the brave lads that are gone are written on tablets placed
on the walls of the Temple of Fame. Let no foul breath of calumny be
breathed over them, for whatever sins they have committed have been
washed out with their own blood. One thing, Master Dogvane, they at
least had, and that was, good trusty steel."
Dogvane took the hint, and thought that a little candour would best
serve his purpose. "It has come to my ears, sir, that our modern steel
is not quite up to the mark, so to test it I have ordered a Royal
Commission to sit upon our bayonets and cutlasses, and if they can
support without bending or breaking so severe a strain, their temper
must be good indeed. It has been said too, amongst other things, that
your machine guns occasionally jam and I will not deny that it is so,
when they are in the hands of your sailors, but, then, they are such
merry devils that they would jam almost anything."
The War Minister now being called upon to continue his report, said:
"Your militia, sir, which has always been considered the backbone of
your army gives us little or no consideration, and it seems to get on
very well without our interference. Whatever care, attention, and
patronage we have to spare we bestow it upon your volunteers--a most
worthy body of men, costing you but little; not encumbered with too much
equipment, and fed and nourished almost entirely upon official butter,
which is the cheapest of all articles of food, on a recent occasion,
sir, when you were engaged in operations in Egypt."
"In Egypt!" the Buccaneer exclaimed, and the hot words of the gipsy came
back upon him, and he was lost for a while in his own moody thoughts.
For a time the War Minister spoke to deaf ears. "You bought thousands of
camels, and mules, and pack-saddles innumerable. After the purchase was
completed we were delighted to find that these saddles were for the most
part perfectly useless, as they would not fit any animal in your
possession, so we were enabled to sell them at a considerable loss."
"Is this right, Master Dogvane?" the Buccaneer asked, waking up.
"It is quite constitutional, sir, and is the result of your peculiar and
long cherished system. I do not say that things would not work better
under a round hole for a round man plan; but you are so accustomed to
the other that to change might be dangerous. It would certainly be
revolutionary."
The War Minister continued. "In purchasing your stores, sir, we also
acted upon principle and custom. We gave as few orders as possible to
your own people; but distributed them as evenly as we could amongst your
neighbours."
The Buccaneer was about to make a reply; but Dogvane nipped it in the
bud by saying: "It is quite constitutional, sir." If this was so of
course the old Sea King had nothing to say, for he loved his
constitution.
"Our beef and pork," said the War Minister, "we get from our cousin, the
cheap-Jack Jonathan. Our sauce we get from your neighbour, Madame
France."
"Do you remember what a neatly turned ankle she had, sir?" said Dogvane,
who, like all sailors and not a few landsmen, had a great admiration for
the ladies.
"Our pickles," the War Minister continued, "we get from Germany, and are
of a well known brand, high flavoured and satisfying. As we are the very
best tinkers in the world, our pots, pans, and camp kettles we make and
mend at home. We feed your full-grown soldiers on worn-out
draught-bullocks brought over from Holland, and on the most delicious
messes. We give them a highly flavoured stew peculiar to the
Ojabberaways. They have had an abundance of Egyptian hash. This again
has been varied by a goodly supply of Indian curry, Afghan ragout, and a
very savoury mess peculiar to Burmah. I may just mention in passing,
that through the most creditable carelessness on the part of one of your
generals we got rid of a very large number of camels, which were
slaughtered by the enemy; thus saving us the trouble and expense of
their keep. For any other information I must refer you to your Field
Marshal."
Dogvane dismissed this official, praising him very much for the state of
his department.
When the distinguished soldier appeared, who was at the executive head
of the army, he stood in the attitude peculiar to soldiers. His head was
erect and every limb was rigid, and the arms were extended by the side
of the body, fingers straight and closed on the thumbs, which were in a
line with the seams of his trousers. This is the easy and graceful
attitude of military respect as laid down by regulation.
"How, sir, is it that you have allowed my army so to deteriorate that I
have only one general?" asked the Buccaneer, as he cast upon his Field
Marshal a look of pride. "At one time I could count them by the scores."
"Sir, two kings cannot sit on one throne, and at present your island is
not sufficiently large to hold more than your only general."
The Buccaneer showed extreme solicitude for the well being of his only
general, whose life was, of course, extremely precious, so he exclaimed:
"Field Marshal! I command you on all occasions to protect the life of my
only general. Form yourself into a rampart round him and save him from
the bullets of my enemies. Even as David in the days of old sent Uriah
the Hittite to the front of the battle, so send I you, should I be
engaged in any military operation either of an offensive or defensive
nature."
The Field Marshal, commanding in chief, no doubt felt keenly the very
great confidence thus placed in him, though of course it would not have
been in keeping with the tradition of his profession to show any outward
signs of exultation.
The captain of the watch, seeing the great concern that the Buccaneer
had on account of the dearth of generals, and knowing his love for the
Bible, tried to console him by saying: "Fear not sir! that Providence
which shapes our ends, rough hew them as we may, will find you with
other generals, even as Abraham was provided by Heaven with a ram in the
bush."
Sometimes the most trivial circumstance will ward off the most serious
catastrophe, and the remark of Dogvane gave the old Sea King an
opportunity to indulge in a little pleasantry. "A general in the hand,
Master Dogvane," he said, "is worth two in the bush." Now, however small
a joke may be, or indeed however heavy and obscure, it is the duty of
all subordinates to see it at once, and to laugh at it immoderately.
This was shown to an eminent degree even in the Buccaneer's Courts of
Justice, the atmosphere of which was so charged with judicial gravity
that the slightest possible humour on the part of a judge was quite
sufficient to convulse the whole court and bar with laughter. The
Commander-in-chief being in uniform could not laugh as much as he would
have done, had he not been so buttoned up. It was his duty to appreciate
the joke of the Buccaneer, and in a matter of duty the Field Marshal was
never found wanting. Dogvane laughed as immoderately as if the joke had
been his own. The clouds having been dispelled by merry peals of
laughter the Buccaneer asked if his soldiers were as good as those who
fought at Ramillies and Waterloo; these being two of the Buccaneer's
most famous battles. The Field Marshal was obliged to answer this
officially. He said that as far as brute strength and physical force
were concerned, that perhaps the soldier of to-day was not quite equal
to the soldier of the past; "but," he added, "what he has lost in
stature and chest measurement he has gained in morality and sobriety.
The men of Ramillies drank deeply, and those of Flanders swore terribly
hard, so we are told; no doubt on account of some peculiarity in the
climate; but now, sir, by the force of my own good example I have done
very much towards stamping out the pernicious habit of making use of bad
language from amongst your soldiers."
"So I have heard," replied the Buccaneer, "and it does you extreme
credit." What a gross iniquity to call so good a man as our Buccaneer a
psalm-singing, old humbug! It only shows what a hold envy, hatred,
uncharitableness, and even malice, have upon the human mind.
"Field Marshal!" said the Buccaneer, addressing the Commander-in-chief,
"you have done well, and it is my intention to reward you. I can bestow
upon you no greater title than you at present possess, and of income
you have ample, so I cannot increase that; but knowing how much you have
at heart the welfare of the profession which you yourself so much adorn,
I wish to give you some mark of my high esteem and favour. I therefore
command Dogvane, that my army be at once increased by one man and two
boys."
Hearing this the Commander-in-Chief was overcome with emotion, and
Dogvane said, "My master is indeed generous. I am myself much against
bloated armaments; but still it is as well to strike at times a little
awe into our neighbours, who are always peacocking about Europe, and
they will respect us all the more. With this increase, and the aid of
our reserves, and our brave auxiliaries, our army will be placed on a
war-footing. No doubt all this will not be without its effect upon the
Eastern Bandit, and will assist King Hokee in his undertaking."