HOW THE WILL OF THE DOGS EXPRESSER WORKED.—THE SOLEMN
MUMMERY COMMITTEE.—HOW IT INQUIRED VERY EXTENSIVELY INTO
THE CONDITION OF THE DOGS.—QUARREL BETWEEN THE HIGH
PRESSURE NIGHUNTOS AND LOW PRESSURE FARAWAYS.—WONDERFUL
DOUBLE BACK ACTION OF THE LITTLE BOX WITH THE LITTLE SLOT
IN IT.
[Illustration]
THEN did the dogs set up the little box with the little slot in it; and
upon a day appointed they went every one and dropped into it little
papers, upon some of which was written that the fleas must inquire
into the hard condition of the dogs, with a view to ameliorating it;
and on some it was written that the fleas need not inquire into their
condition, with a view, etc., for there were some dogs that were afraid
to have a Will, lest it should be known that they had expressed it and
should be discharged from the Handle.
So when all the papers had been dropped through the slot and the box was
full, the trap in the bottom thereof was pulled, and the load of papers
went down in a thundering avalanche by the shute into the midst of the
fleas. And the fleas sorted them and counted them, and one arose and
said, “Oyez! Oyez! the Will of the Dogs Expresser hath spoken and there
is a Great Majority; and the Great Majority commandeth that we, as their
Public Servants, do forthwith inquire into the hard condition of the
dogs at the Handle, with a view to ameliorating it. We must therefore
bow to the Mandate, and look into their condition, with a view, etc.”
Thereupon the fleas did immediately appoint a Solemn Mummery Committee
to take with them telescopes and microscopes, spectacles and eye-glasses
to go and look into the condition of the dogs, with a view, etc. And
when the dogs saw them coming they barked propitiatingly and wagged
their tails delightedly to see the fleas come at the Mandate of the
Expresser, and they prophesied great good things of comfort to come of
it.
[Illustration]
And the fleas did look into their condition. Some stood afar off and
viewed the grinding dogs through their telescopes, and made notes of
what they saw; and some, with their microscopes got quite near and
closely examined their prominent ribs and sore backs and blood-shot eyes
and their generally measly appearance, and made voluminous notes; while
the rest made general surveys through their spectacles and eye-glasses,
and made notes.
Thus did the Committee gather a huge Mass of Statistics which they
promised the dogs they would Publish, which promise made the dogs to
dance for joy.
And after many days the fleas rolled up what they called a Volume,
bulky with Facts and Figures, and fat with Platitudes and Suggestions
concerning the amelioration of the grievous condition of the Handle
Turning Dogs, which the Volume called the Great Question of the Day.
And the fleas sent up a bill to the dogs which recited that this great
Volume, gotten up for their benefit, had cost the fleas an enormous
amount of time and labor which must be recouped unto them by the dogs,
and that it would require the dogs to grind an hour a day more for one
year.
So the dogs did grind and sigh an hour a day more, but had great faith
in the Will Expresser which
“* * * Moved in a mysterious way,
Its wonders to perform.”
* * * * *
In process of time there came about a grave quarrel among the fleas
around the Tank, and they began to call each other names. The quarrel
began by those farthest away from the Spout getting jealous of those
that sat nearest thereto, for they said those that sat nigh unto got
a better chance to help themselves to the blood, and consequently
got fatter than those that sat far away, which those sitting nearest
declared to be all nonsense and a libel on their honors. Nevertheless,
it so happened that they _did_ get fatter and bigger than those that
sat farther away; and though they disclaimed violently that their extra
fatness was due to their proximity to the Spout they did not volunteer
to change places with the farther off ones. Therefore the Faraways—who
were nearly all Low Pressurists—began to push and shove to get up near
to the Spout, and the Nighuntos—who were mostly High Pressurists—did
push and shove to maintain their places, not, said they, because they
_wanted_ to sit nigh unto the Spout, but as a matter of Principle,
because they were the lineal descendants of a Grand Old Party of High
Pressure Suckers that had once, a many years before, rushed to the
rescue and salvation of the Spout, when a lot of Low Pressure Suckers,
the lineal ancestors of the present pesky Low Pressurists, had made a
dastardly and traitorous attempt to break it off and cripple the Mill.
And there was a mighty shoving; and the Nighuntos indignantly said unto
the Faraways, “Whom are ye a shoving of?” And much bad temper was shown,
and upon several occasions divers of them got hurt.
Then did some of the acute Faraways hit upon a way of strengthening
themselves to shove the Nighuntos away from the Spout and get there
themselves. Said they, “Why not get the dogs to help us to shove?” So
they sent secretly for the inventor of the Will of the Dogs Expresser
and said unto him, “Lo! We be Dog Admirers, and believe that your hard
condition should be ameliorated. It is quite plain to any thinking
mind that your long days of grinding at the Handle and your bloodless
condition are due to those cruelly greedy Nighuntos that sit close up
to the Spout. They are never satisfied. The Tank does not require half
the blood that flows into it. All the rest, these suckers deliberately
appropriate for their own private fattening.
“Now if _we_ sat near the Spout we would reduce the flow of blood to
the requirements of the Tank, ‘_economically administered_,’ and would
cause all that now unnecessarily flows into it to be given to the dogs
at the Handle, _to whom it rightfully belongs_. Thus will the number of
your hours of toil be reduced. Promise us therefore that the next time
ye use your great and ever blessed Expresser, ye will send a thundering
avalanche of papers down the shute ordering the Nighuntos to get away
from the Spout, and us Faraways to take their places. So shall your hard
condition be ameliorated indeed.”
And the Inventor, with his tail brandished on high, ran back to his
fellow toilers at the Handle, crying, “Joy! Joy! Deliverance! Behold;
the Faraways, who are our friends, have promised that if we will order
the Nighuntos, by the Will of the Dogs Expresser, to give place at the
Spout to the Faraways, they will administer the Tank and the Spout _in
our interest_.”
But the Nighuntos got to hear that the Faraways had made a treaty
of mutual help with the dogs. So _they_ sent a delegation up to the
grinders, saying, “Be not deceived; these Faraway Low Pressurists are
frauds. Their love for you is all in our eye. They wish to get nigh unto
the Spout only for to make _themselves_ fat. And what is more, we know
that they are traitors to dogs in general and to you Handle Turners in
particular, for we have discovered that they have been engaged for a
long time in a dastardly plot to break down this Infant Industry of dog
grinding, in which you and we are _mutually interested_, and to uproot
this whole Mill from its foundations, and sell it and the Handle—by
the turning of which ye are maintained in constant employment at high
wages—to your enemies the pauper dogs of Kyhidom, who will thus turn
you out of employment, to wander about seeking for a Handle to turn and
finding none. Therefore, do not listen to the plausible lies they tell;
but remember that Dogs at the Handle and Fleas at the Tank are ONE and
retain us close to the Spout—us, who are its Natural Guardians, and who
were its Shield and Salvation in its Hour of Peril in the time past—and
ye shall have more steady employment than ever. Be wise, and set your
faces as flint against this conspiracy. Let your watchword be “High
Wages and Protection to our Native Handle Turners.” They be liars and
the party of immoral ideas, and are merely Dog Admirers. But we be the
Only Original Truth Speakers and Dog Worshippers.”
And it was so that the words of the Only Original Truth Speakers sank
deeply into the hearts of the Handle Turners; and great fear and
discumfuzzlement fell upon many of them. And they were divided in
opinion. Some said the Dog Worshippers spake wisely, for all knew that
the dogs of Kyhidom had always been their enemies; and no doubt it was
true that the dogs of Kyhidom had seduced the Faraway Low Pressure Dog
Admirers to sell the Mill and take away the Handle. And others said that
the Dog Worshippers must be a greedy, unconscionable lot of Suckers who
made large pretenses of friendship and love to the Handle Turners simply
to retain their fat positions at the Spout, since no one, under the
most rigid scrutiny and cross-examination, had ever been able to adduce
the twenty thousand millionth part of an instance where a High Pressure
Sucker had ever sought anything other than the enlargement of his own
private and particular paunch.
So when the great Paper Dropping Day came around there was much barking
and snarling and wrangling as to who ought to be placed near the Spout;
and the two sets of fleas were trembling between great hopes and great
fears; and each set shouted its hardest to the dogs to be wise and to be
faithful to _their own best interests_ by dropping their papers for _it_
in the slot of the little Expresser.
And there was much noise and confusion during the filling of the little
box. And when the little trap door was pulled and the papers went in
a thundering avalanche down the shute, each set of fleas tried to run
away with the Great Majority regardless of what was written upon them.
But after much fighting it was finally declared that the Great Majority
of Wills was for the Faraways to sit up near the Spout, and for the
Nighuntos to get far away. Then did both the Faraways and Nighuntos
rise up and beautifully make obeisance to the Expressed Will of
the Dogs, the heretofore Faraways bowing even to the ground; but the
heretofore Nighuntos merely inclined their noses, and said “Damn” in
soliloquial whispers.
[Illustration]
So the Faraways got up close to the Spout and became the Nighuntos, and
the Nighuntos were shoved to the lower end of the Tank and became the
Faraways, and began in _their_ turn to hustle and shove and charge the
Nighuntos with selfishly using the Spout to make themselves fat.
And the dogs of the Majority were very happy, and took a day off (by
gracious permission of the new Nighuntos) to bark and stand on their
heads and burn fuel and make great smoke and stench, and do other
idiotic things to show the great joy they felt at having put another set
of suckers near the Spout.
Then they returned to diligently turn the Handle and hope for great good
times. Which came not.
And after many days of the same old grind, being taunted by the dogs of
the Minority who every morning said, “We told you so,” and every evening
said, “Thus did we prophesy unto you,” the dogs of the Majority sent
down to ask the new Nighuntos about what time the dogs at the Handle
might expect the peep of the Better Day and the fruition of the
Promises?
To which the Nighunto Dog Admirers solemnly made answer that they had
made the fearful discovery that the tank was on two bases, one of gold
and the other of silver, and that the Silver Basis had shrunk and got
so dreadfully awry that the Tank had fallen all askew on that side,
and was in danger of capsizing altogether, so that they were all in a
dreadful stew, and had to give all their attention to the Great Question
of getting it into position again on a Single Gold Basis that would
command their Confidence, and never, never, never give way again, and
that all mere dog starvation and trouble were trivialities compared to
the great overshadowing need of saving the Tank from ruin. Besides, the
Faraway Dog Worshippers were now in control of the lower end of the
Tank, and had, previous to its slipping with its Silver Basis, wickedly
bored a hole in it and drawn off the Surplus, and were in other ways
most unpatriotically hampering the Dog Admirers in their efforts to
economize and reduce the Stream; that there was a Great Deficiency to be
made up, and that it would be some years at least before they would be
in a Position to effect much Reform, and that _for the present_ it was
absolutely necessary for the dogs to make up the Great Deficiency in the
Tank, and must grind an hour a day longer for at least a year.
Which caused the dogs to go sadly back to their hungry turning of the
Handle, and to wonder why the great Will of the Dogs Expresser required
so much eternity its wonders to perform.
[Illustration]