DEARTH OF DOGS.—THE BLOOD STREAM BEGINS TO FAIL.—SCHEME
TO RECRUIT FROM HUNGRYLAND.—HOW IT WORKED TO THE
DESTRUCTION OF THE WHITE LEG ASSOCIATION, AND THE LITTLE
BOX WITH THE LITTLE SLOT IN IT.
[Illustration]
AND it came to pass that there began to be visible a slackening of the
Stream at the Spout, for the great greed of the fleas around the Tank
was using up both the supply of dogs available for chucking in, and the
strength of the weary toilers at the Handle.
Which caused a great fear to fall on the Brethren. But one of them, less
blind, though not less greedy, than the others, called their attention
to the State of Things.
“See ye not, my brethren,” said he, “that the Stream faileth? The arc it
describeth is not so large as aforetime, which meaneth that the hopper
above is not replenished to its full capacity, which further meaneth
that either those rascally chuckers-in are not doing their full duty, or
that the supply of dogs to chuck in is running low.”
This discovery filled the other Brethren with terror, and they looked
first at their own big and bloated bodies—which by this time had
become mere featureless blood bags—and then at the Stream, so visibly
running low, and, trembling with a coward fear, cried out: “Oh, who will
save us from perishing? For the Blood is our life and it faileth. Oh,
pestilence, fury and plague, we shall grow _less_! Oh, we don’t mind
bursting with bigness; but oh, to grow _little_ again! Oh! all is vanity
under the Sun! We did think that Providence, for whom we have done so
much, would have given us this day our daily dogs to grind. But He has
gone back on us. _Us_, brethren, who never went back on Him and never
let his churches want for any good thing. All is lost! lost!! lost!!!”
And they bewailed and lamented sore; and one, at the contemplation of
his possible shrinkage, went temporarily insane and waddled out and
killed himself.
But the Discoverer spoke up and said: “Allay your fears, and assuage
your grief, my brethren; all is not lost by a long chalk. I have
excogitated a Scheme which I think will work. Behold! are there not
more dogs on the earth than the dogs of Canisville? Yea, verily! dogs
more weary, languid and sore distressed than they? I have heard that in
Hungryland, over the pond, away beyond Kyhidom, are millions of dogs who
are dreadfully flea-bitten and exhausted, who would think it getting
verily to heaven if they could come here and get such bountiful wages as
we allow to our grinding dogs.
“Go to, now. Let us send forth apostle dogs to Hungryland that shall
tell the dogs there of the wonderful heaven of peace and joy and
plenty in the West; of the Great Wages paid to honest toil, thrift and
temperance; of the Boundless Opportunities open to honest ambition;
of the Liberty there, and the Absolute Equality of the Rich and Poor
before the Law; how in that wonderful land the Dogs and not the Fleas
do the governing, and set up and pull down their Public Servants at
their own sweet will and pleasure, by means of the little box with the
little slot in it. And let the apostles hold up aloft the brilliant
example of our dearly beloved brother, Saint Andronicus Carnivorous,
who came over from North Kyhidom as mean a dog as any of them, and all
by his own unaided Toil and Thrift and Temperance—without even the
blessing of God, in whom he taketh no stock—put himself through the
Great Transformation and became as big and bloated a flea as the most
excellent of us, and wrote a Book. And let them say that he is not the
only example by many thousands of the Illimitable Possibilities of this
land; and they will come rushing over by thousands, and our chuckers-in
shall seize them. Thus shall the hopper of our prosperity be replenished
with an everlasting supply, and the former bigness of the Blood Stream
be restored—aye, more than restored, for we will enlarge the Spout and
widen and deepen the hopper and elongate the Handle, and the rushing
thousands from Hungryland will fight for a chance to grind.
[Illustration]
“Thus shall we have more dogs to be ground up and more dogs to grind
them, and as there will always be standing around the Handle a vast
multitude licking their chops in hope of seeing the grinders faint and
fall, we shall be able to diminish our great expenses by reducing the
great quantity of blood we are now compelled by cruel circumstances to
put on the end of the needle—which is a great imposition. So shall the
blood spurt out in great style, and we will have a larger Tank, so that
more fleas can sit around it; and we will drink and drink and grow
and grow and become so great as never was. And then will we put down
the insolence of those white-legged dogs, who have so often troubled
us by entering into unconstitutional conspiracies to hamper us and
overthrow the liberties of free-born dogs to make free contracts with
us to grind for the wages we offer. Having handy so many thousands of
Black Legs, we will not need the White Legs any more, but will have them
all chucked into the hopper. Moreover, I think, we will be able, with
all this inexhaustible supply of blood coming in, to heal our internal
disagreements and sink all our little superficial distinctions of Low
Pressurists and High Pressurists, and truly appear what we really
are—One Common Family of Blood Drinkers; for there will then be blood
enough for each and all of us. Then will we, working together as One
United Family abolish that infernal nuisance of the little box with the
little slot in it. Ye all know, brethren, that the day off which the
dogs, through the unbecoming schism amongst ourselves, take to work
the Will of the Dogs Expresser, is a dead loss to us in the cessation
of the grind. I appeal to you, brethren, to consider the great loss we
suffer; calculate the number of dogs that might be chucked in during the
twenty-four hours spent in the wicked and wasteful amusement of Paper
Dropping, and the further loss accruing from the lazy turning of the
Handle next day, owing to the enervating and mind distracting hilarity
of the previous day. Let us then be wise and consult our best interest.
Thus Brethren shall we have a time, times and half a time of fatness,
ease and prosperity.”
These words brought joy and hope to the Brethren; and all said the
suggestions of the Discoverer were as the turning inside out of the Dark
Cloud to show its Silver Lining; some called them a Providential Relief;
and some said they went to show that this world was run by the Creator
on the principle of Universal Harmony and the Compensation Balance, in
that what one part thereof lacked another supplied.
Saint Andronicus Carnivorous was the only one not entirely enthusiastic.
He arose and cautiously said, “Brethren, the proposition of our dear
brother, the Discoverer, lacketh nothing that is highly to be approved.
No doubt it will be highly profitable to us, and therein I am heartily
with him—especially in that part relating to the abolition of the
wicked White Legs, and the unwholesome box with the little slot in it.
But I want you to give me a guarantee that there will be no danger in
it to _me_. You know I have a Reputation which is very dear to me; and
if these Hungry Dogs come here and find the Truth is not as preached,
they will reproach me as one of you, and so I and my Reputation and my
Book will fall into contempt, and they may go even so far as to call me
a Hypocrite. Therefore I would rather not be seen in the matter; and so,
will hie me away until the reproach be over.”
To which the others made answer that there was very little danger
or reproach in the scheme; that the Hungry Dogs would get all the
disappointment, the apostles all the reproach, and the fleas all the
profit; but that to be on the safe side Saint Andronicus had better
go away over the pond and lie low, and they would find some one of a
Don’t-care-a-d—— disposition, like Brother Pharaoh Phrique, to carry
out the scheme, particularly the abolition of the White Legs and the
flinging of them into the hopper.
And it was so that Carnivorous did go away and lie low; and the apostles
did go out into all the world of the Hungry Dogs and preach the Gospel
of Lies; and the Hungry Dogs were beguiled and came over and brought
their great hunger with them, and by their great ferocity the White Legs
were wrenched away from the Handle and thrown by the chuckers-in into
the hopper.
And in that day the Low Pressure Dog Admirers and the High Pressure Dog
Worshippers were made friends again and became One; and they ordered
the Hungry Dogs to break up the box with the little slot in it and burn
it with fire; and the Mill was enlarged; and the Stream was thicker
and stronger than ever; and the Tank was enlarged; and the United Fleas
sat around and drank themselves fuller, and grew so big that they shut
out the sky and the light of the Sun; and by reason thereof a great and
deadly darkness came over the land, and in the shadow thereof all plants
of the light, such as Honesty, Truth, Liberty, and Municipal, State and
National Rectitude, went mouldy and rotten; and the big, over-bloated
fleas, by reason of their great gluttony, grew leprous and stank, and
their evil odor filled the air; wherefore great sickness and plagues
broke out everywhere, which carried off many dogs and some fleas.
And through all this evil time the dogs ground and fainted and sighed
and howled, and sent up blasphemies and curses and prayers to a Heaven
that was very deaf to them, but was apparently very good to the
monstrosities that sat around the Tank.