BARREN HOPES.—THE HANDLE TIED UP.—DEFEAT OF THE WHITE
LEGS BY THE BLACK LEGS AND THE PINK EYED DOGS.—INVENTION
OF THE WILL OF THE DOGS EXPRESSER.—THE INVENTION
GRACIOUSLY ACCEPTED BY THE FLEAS.—SANGUINE HOPES.
SO at last the White Leg dogs, weary unto death with waiting for the
fruit which came not on the barren fig tree of the big fleas’ “hearty
good wishes,” resolved that they would _demand_ a larger allowance.
Therefore they sent down some of the big and bold dogs, to tell the
fleas around the Tank that unless they would restore their allowance
to what it was at first, and abolish the contribution of toes, and the
chucking in of fainting dogs, and would grease the bearings of the
Handle, and reduce the number of their working hours, and refuse to
employ any dog that had not on the White Label, and would do and not do,
many other things most astonishing to the fleas, the dogs would all take
their White Labels and twist them all together into a most unbreakable
rope, and therewith tie up the Handle with such unheard-of and untieable
knots, that nobody on earth save the White Legs, would be able to
release it. Whereupon the Mill would stop, and the Stream would dry up,
and the fleas would collapse, and other great miseries would come upon
them. Therefore it behooved them to listen to reason, and grant their
reasonable requests ere it were too late, and the Handle were tied up.
But the fleas showed no alarm and went on filling themselves. They
simply turned towards Pharaoh Phrique, and said: “Brother Phrique,
thou art learned in all the learning of the Egyptian taskmasters.
Thou art a skillful hide skinner and dog walloper, and well versed in
the secret art of squelching insolence and ill behavior. Thou wast
our trusty counsel in our late fight with these dogs, before they
got this White Label craze, and thou didst bring us through it with
honor and dividends. Thou wast our High Tower, our Shield and Hiding
Place, whereunto we ran and were safe—all save our beloved Andronicus
Carnivorous, who gat himself over the pond for hiding. We trust thee;
deal with them as seemeth thee good.”
So Pharaoh hardened his heart as aforetime, and spake thus unto the
dogs: “Dogs that ye are; insolent despisers of your precious privileges.
I chastened you once before, thinking to bring your erring feet into
the path of duty and wisdom. But ye are a stiff-necked and perverse
generation. Ye have heaped sin upon sin. Not content with having tried
to rob us before, ye have formed a Union, which is to commit the
Unpardonable Sin. Get out of this, therefore; vamose the ranch; put;
scoot; absquatulate; skedaddle, and make yourselves scarce; for I swear
that even as our brother Webbfoot and Brother Gold Jay, and other of
our brethren did chastise _their_ dogs once, I will chastise you. Yea,
I will so grind and crush you that the whole world shall hear the sound
thereof, for I, Pharaoh Phrique, have said it. Tie up the Handle with
your rope of White Labels; it shall be unto me as tow burnt with the
fire; for I will dissolve your Union and scatter the members thereof,
and give your heritage unto the Unlabeled and more obedient Black Legs.
Git!” And he drove them from his presence.
But the dogs did tie up the Handle, and the Mill did stop, and some of
the catastrophes foretold did happen. But Pharaoh Phrique whistled to
the Black Legs to come and gnaw the rope. And he went by night down to
a secret place in Canisville, called the Devil’s Cheap Bargain Counter,
where certain lewd and ferocious dogs of the baser sort, which had Pink
Eyes that could not bear the sunshine, did for a few scraps of dirty
bread and meat, hire themselves out on foggy and moonless nights to
worry and kill any other dogs that were objectionable to the fleas; and
he paid them handsomely to go by night and secretly get behind the White
Legs and tear them to pieces.
[Illustration]
And there was a great fight. The hungry Black Legs fought to untie the
Handle, and the Devil’s Pink Eyed Cheap Bargain Counter Dogs helped
them. And so it came to pass that the White Legs were driven away; and
some hastened to pull off the White Labels and mingle with the Black
Legs, and scrambled to get back to the Handle.
And at the going down of the sun the rope was broken; and the handle,
untied, was going like mad. And Pharaoh Phrique and the Brethren were
holding a praise meeting around the Tank, and giving God thanks that He
had so signally made bare His mighty arm and scattered their enemies,
who had come so near breaking up the Foundations of Society.
So the poor dogs, with broken hearts and broken hopes, did grind on and
on for many days, and the victory of the Monstrous Fleas seemed to be
complete.
It came to pass, however, that a new hope sprang up among the toilers at
the Handle. Owing to their incessant occupation during their long days,
they had no leisure to think, but they gathered together during the
short night to growl and snarl, and damn things in general and greedy
fleas in particular. They schemed and plotted many remedies which all
came to naught.
But one night, one of the dogs that had a big head and looked to have
wisdom, got up and said: “Brethren, I do perceive that all these violent
methods of rectifying our wrongs do fail. Now, I pray you, consider; we
dogs be many and these fleas be few, why then are we not their masters?
Why are we their slaves? I know that fleas have been divinely ordained
to find us employment, and dogs to serve them, in the Fear of God, for
even so hath the much-salaried barker in the Church of the Fleas,—the
great Reverend Tee de Little Wit Blatherskite—told us, and he knoweth
a thing or two about God’s purposes. But, as the same much-salaried
barker also saith, they were ordained to be kind to us and treat us
with justice and mercy. But, brethren, ye know that they do treat us
most devilishly. Now, all this comes to pass because they do not know
how many we are and what we think about them. There’s where it is,
brethren; if we had some regular and orderly method of telling them how
many we are, and what we think of them, they would surely give heed
unto our cries and demands, for we are many—very many. If we could
authoritatively—_authoritatively_, brethren,—state to them our Will,
they would surely ameliorate our lot and treat us with generosity. And
when they have once been made to know what is the Expressed Will of the
Dogs, they will see that it is Public Opinion and will bow to it. Thus,
my brethren, shall we be FREE.”
And all the other dogs arose on their hind legs and cried in a great
chorus: “It is an Inspiration, it is an Inspiration: it cometh from
Above.”
And the dog, seeing that his idea was well received, was encouraged and
went on, “Brethren, this idea is far better than the White Label idea,
or that of lengthening the Handle. Those methods are merely empirical
nostrums and expedients, but this is a radical remedy and a perfect
cure. Now behold the application of it. I have invented a device which
I call the ‘Will of the Dogs Expresser.’ It is a little box with a
little slot in the top thereof, and hath a bottom that openeth by way of
a little trap door into a long shute. I propose to fix up the slotted
box right near the Handle of the Mill (with the sanction, of course,
of the owners thereof) so that the long shute shall reach right down
to where the big fleas sit. And it shall be that on certain days (by
permission of the fleas) every dog shall receive a little strip of paper
on which he shall write his Will (if he have one), and shall fold it up
and drop it through the little slot into the little box. And it shall
be that when the little box is full some one shall pull down the little
trap door in the bottom thereof, when the load of papers shall go in a
thundering avalanche down the shute into the midst of the fleas around
the Tank, and they shall know that the Will of the Dogs Expresser hath
spoken. Then shall the fleas sort out the bits of paper, and it shall
be that if there be more bits of paper that will one thing, than there
are that will another thing, then the thing willed on the greater number
shall be done. Thus ye see, my brethren, we may will whatsoever we will,
and the greater will shall be done. Therefore brethren, whatsoever evils
we suffer for the future, will be all due to our own fault.”
And all the dogs approved the plan, and sent a committee down next day
to the fleas to see if they had any objections to the new invention.
And to the delight of the dogs, the big fleas said they thought
it an excellent idea, that reflected great credit on the inventor
thereof, and he ought to be rewarded by appointment to the place of
Chucker-in-in-Chief at the hopper, and they thought the plan would be
a very healthy form of amusement for the dogs, and would tend to Good
Order and the Stability of Institutions, and they wished all success to
the Expresser. Furthermore, they graciously offered _to do the counting_
of the papers at the bottom of the shute; and they even went so far as
to graciously condescend to be the Public Servants of the dogs at the
Handle, and do anything the dogs, by their Expresser, might order them
to do, saying that, seeing fleas had all wealth and leisure and power
and respectability, none could be so fit to carry out effectively the
Will of the Dogs.
But what astounded the dogs with an astonishment that struck them blind
and dumb, was that the fleas begged the dogs to allow them the privilege
of becoming their Equals on the great Paper Dropping Day, and drop
_their_ little Wills into the little box with the little slot in it.
So the committee returned and reported the gracious way in which they
had been received, the wonderful affability of the fleas, and their
condescension in offering themselves as the Servants of the dogs.
Whereupon the dogs did rejoice with exceeding great joy that they had at
last found a Sovereign Remedy for their sorrows.