action, nor speak an unrefined word; let all your conduct be such as an
honorable and right-minded man may look for in his wife, and the mother
of his children. The slightest duplicity destroys confidence. The least
want of refinement in conversation, or in the selection of books, lowers
a woman, ay, and for ever! Follow these few simple precepts, and they
shall prove to you of more worth than rubies; neglect them, and you will
know what sorrow is. They apply to every class of society, in every
place where man has fixed his dwelling; and to the woman who duly
observes them may be given the beautiful commendation of Solomon, when
recording the words which the mother of King Lemuel taught him:
"The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her; she will do him
good, and not evil, all the days of her life. Strength and honor are her
clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come. Her children rise up,
and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her."--Prov.
xxxi.
We shall now address ourselves exclusively to our brethren; to them who
have taken upon themselves the sacred and comprehensive names of husband
and of master, who have formed homes to dwell in, and have placed
therein, as their companions through life's pilgrimage, gentle and
confiding ones, who have left for them all that was heretofore most
dear, and whom they have sworn to love and to cherish.
When a man marries, it is understood that all former acquaintanceship
_ends_, unless he intimates a desire to renew it, by sending you his own
and his wife's card, if near, or by letter, if distant. If this be
neglected, be sure no further intercourse is desired.
In the first place, a bachelor is seldom _very particular_ in the choice
of his companions. So long as he is amused, he will associate freely
enough with those whose morals and habits would point them out as
highly dangerous persons to introduce into the sanctity of domestic
life.
Secondly, a married man has the tastes of _another_ to consult; and the
friend of the _husband_ may not be equally acceptable to the _wife_.
Besides, newly-married people may wish to limit the circle of their
friends, from praiseworthy motives of economy. When a man first "_sets
up_" in the world, the burden of an extensive and indiscriminate
acquaintance may be felt in various ways. Many have had cause to regret
the weakness of mind which allowed them to plunge into a vortex of
gaiety and expense they could ill afford, from which they have found it
difficult to extricate themselves, and the effects of which have proved
a serious evil to them in after-life.
Remember that you have now, as a married man, a very different standing
in society from the one which you previously held, and that the
happiness of another is committed to your charge. Render, therefore,
your home happy by kindness and attention to your wife, and carefully
watch over your words and actions. If small disputes arise, and your
wife has not sufficient good sense to yield her opinion; nay, if she
even seems determined to have her own way, and that tenaciously, do not
get angry; rather be silent, and let the matter rest. An opportunity
will soon occur of speaking affectionately, yet decidedly, on the
subject, and much good will be effected. Master your own temper, and you
will soon master your wife's; study her happiness without yielding to
any caprices, and you will have no reason to regret your self-control.
Never let your wife go to church alone on Sunday. You can hardly do a
worse thing as regards her good opinion of you, and the well-being of
your household. It is a pitiable sight to see a young wife going toward
the church-door unattended, alone in the midst of a crowd, with her
thoughts dwelling, it may be very sadly, on the time when you were proud
to walk beside her. Remember that the condition of a young bride is
often a very solitary one; and that for your sake she has left her
parents' roof, and the companionship of her brothers and sisters. If you
are a professional man, your wife may have to live in the neighborhood
of a large city, where she scarcely knows any one, and without those
agreeable domestic occupations, or young associates, among whom she had
grown up. Her garden and poultry-yard are hers no longer, and the day
passes without the light of any smile but yours. You go off, most
probably after breakfast, to your business or profession, and do not
return till a late dinner; perhaps even not then, if you are much
occupied, or have to keep up professional connections. It seems unmanly,
certainly most unkind, to let your young wife go to church on Sunday
without you, for the common-place satisfaction of lounging at home. To
act in this manner is certainly a breach of domestic etiquette. Sunday
is the only day in which you can enable her to forget her father's
house, and the pleasant associations of her girlhood days--in which you
can pay her those attentions which prevent all painful comparisons as
regards the past. Sunday is a day of rest, wisely and mercifully
appointed to loose the bonds by which men are held to the world; let it
be spent by you as becomes the head of a family. Let no temptation ever
induce you to wish your wife to relinquish attending Divine service,
merely that she may "idle at home with you." Religion is her safeguard
amid the trials or temptations of this world. And woe may be to you if
you seek to withdraw her from its protection!
Much perplexity in the marriage state often arises from want of candor.
Men conceal their affairs, and expect their wives to act with great
economy, without assigning any reason why such should be the case; but
the husband ought frankly to tell his wife the real amount of his
income; for, unless this is done, she cannot properly regulate her
expenses. They ought then to consult together as to the sum that can be
afforded for housekeeping, which should be rather below than above the
mark. When this is arranged he will find it advantageous to give into
her hands, either weekly, monthly, or quarterly, the sum that is
appropriated for daily expenditure, and above all things to avoid
interfering without absolute necessity. The home department belongs
exclusively to the wife; the province of the husband is to rule the
house--hers to regulate its internal movements. True it is, that some
inexperienced young creatures know but little of household concerns. If
this occur, have patience, and do not become pettish or ill-humored. If
too much money is laid out at first, give advice, kindly and firmly, and
the young wife will soon learn how to perform her new duties.
No good ever yet resulted, or ever will result from unnecessary
interference. If a man unhappily marries an incorrigible simpleton, or
spendthrift, he cannot help himself. Such, however, is rarely the case.
Let a man preserve his own position, and assist his wife to do the same;
all things will then move together, well and harmoniously.
Much sorrow, and many heart-burnings, may be avoided by judicious
conduct in the outset of life. Husbands should give their wives all
confidence. They have intrusted to them their happiness, and should
never suspect them of desiring to waste their money. Whenever a
disposition is manifested to do right, express your approbation. Be
pleased with trifles, and commend efforts to excel on every fitting
occasion. If your wife is diffident, encourage her, and avoid seeing
small mistakes. It is unreasonable to add to the embarrassments of her
new condition, by ridiculing her deficiencies. Forbear extolling the
previous management of your mother or your sisters. Many a wife has been
alienated from her husband's family, and many an affectionate heart has
been deeply wounded by such injudicious conduct; and, as a sensible
woman will always pay especial attention to the relations of her
husband, and entertain them with affectionate politeness, the husband on
his part should always cordially receive and duly attend to her
relations. The reverse of this, on either side, is often productive of
unpleasant feelings.
Lastly, we recommend every young married man, who wishes to render his
home happy, to consider his wife as the light of his domestic circle,
and to permit no clouds, however small, to obscure the region in which
she presides. Most women are naturally amiable, gentle, and complying;
and if a wife becomes perverse, and indifferent to her home, it is
generally her husband's fault. He may have neglected her happiness; but
nevertheless it is unwise in her to retort, and, instead of faithfully
reflecting the brightness that still may shine upon her, to give back
the dusky and cheerless hue which saddens her existence. Be not selfish,
but complying, in small things. If your wife dislikes cigars--and few
young women like to have their clothes tainted by tobacco--leave off
smoking; for it is, at best, an ungentlemanly and dirty habit. If your
wife asks you to read to her, do not put your feet upon a chair and go
to sleep. If she is fond of music, accompany her as you were wont when
you sought her for a bride. The husband may say that he is tired, and
does not like music, or reading aloud. This may occasionally be true,
and no amiable woman will ever desire her husband to do what would
really weary him. We, however, recommend a young man to practice
somewhat of self-denial, and to remember that no one acts with a due
regard to his own happiness who lays aside, when married, those
gratifying attentions which he was ever ready to pay the lady of his
love; or those rational sources of home enjoyment which made her look
forward with a bounding heart to become his companion through life.
Etiquette is a comprehensive term; and its observances are nowhere more
to be desired than in the domestic circle.
ON GENERAL SOCIETY.
To cultivate the art of pleasing is not only worthy of our ambition, but
it is the dictate of humanity to render ourselves as agreeable as
possible to those around us. While, therefore, we condemn that false
system of philosophy which recommends the practice of flattery and
deception for the purpose of winning the regard of those with whom we
come in contact, we would rather urge the sincere and open conduct which
is founded on moral principle, and which looks to the happiness of
others, not through any sordid and selfish aim, but for the reward which
virtuous actions bestow. Indeed, we do not discover the necessity of
duplicity and hypocrisy in our intercourse with society. The virtues and
the graces are not antagonistic. The sacrifice of personal convenience
for the accommodation of others; the repression of our egotism and
self-esteem; the occasional endurance of whatever is disagreeable or
irksome to us through consideration for the infirmities of others, are
not only some of the characteristics of true politeness, but are in the
very spirit of benevolence, and, we might add, religion.
The English have a rule of etiquette, that if you are introduced to a
person of higher position in society than yourself, you must never
recognize him when you meet, until you see whether he intends to notice
you. The meaning of this rule is, that you should be polite to nobody
until you see whether they mean to be polite to you, which is simply
refusing politeness in the name of politeness itself. There is a story
of an unfortunate clerk of the Treasury, who dined one day at the
Beef-steak Club, where he sat next to a duke, who conversed freely with
him at dinner. The next day, meeting the duke in the street, he saluted
him. But his grace, drawing himself up, said: "May I know, sir, to whom
I have the honor of speaking?" "Why, we dined together at the club
yesterday--I am Mr. Timms, of the Treasury," was the reply. "Then," said
the duke, turning on his heel, "Mr. Timms, of the Treasury, I wish you
_a good morning_." Though this anecdote is related in the English books
as an example of etiquette, it is undoubtedly true that Mr. Timms, of
the Treasury, was the politest man of the two; for even if he had made a
mistake in being a little familiar in his politeness, had the duke been
really a polite man he would have made the best of it, by returning the
salutation, instead of the brutal mortification which he heaped upon the
clerk of the Treasury. Everybody has read the anecdote of Washington,
who politely returned the salutation of a negro, which caused his friend
to ask if he "bowed to a negro." "To be sure I do; do you think that I
would allow a negro to outdo me in politeness?" said Washington. This is
the American rule. Everybody in this country may be polite to
everybody--and if any one is too haughty and too ill-bred to return the
salutation, with him alone rests the responsibility and the shame.
A lady in company should never exhibit any anxiety to sing or play; but
if she intends to do so, she should not affect to refuse when asked, but
obligingly accede at once. If you cannot sing, or do not choose to, say
so with seriousness and gravity, and put an end to the expectation
promptly. After singing once or twice, cease and give place to others.
There is an old saying, that a singer can with the greatest difficulty
be set agoing, and when agoing, cannot be stopped.
Never commend a lady's musical skill to another lady who herself plays.
Modern Chesterfields, who pretend to be superlatively well-bred, tell
one never to be "in a hurry." "To be in a hurry," say they, "is
ill-bred." The _dictum_ is absurd. It is sometimes necessary to be
hurried. In the streets of the city one must hasten with the multitude.
To walk or lounge, as people who have nothing else to do, in Wall
Street, or Broadway, would be out of place and absurd. Judgment requires
us, not less than manners, to conform slightly with the behavior of
those with whom we associate or are forced to remain.
Never lose your temper at cards, and particularly avoid the exhibition
of anxiety or vexation at want of success. If you are playing whist, not
only keep your temper, but hold your tongue; any intimation to your
partner is decidedly ungentlemanly.
Do not take upon yourself to do the honors in another man's house, nor
constitute yourself master of the ceremonies, as you will thereby offend
the host and hostess.
Do not press before a lady at a theater or a concert. Always yield to
her, if practicable, your seat and place. Do not sit when she is
standing, without offering her your place. Consult not only your own
ease, but also the comfort of those around you.
Do not cross a room in an anxious manner, and force your way up to a
lady merely to receive a bow, as by so doing you attract the eyes of the
company toward her. If you are desirous of being noticed by any one in
particular, put yourself in their way as if by accident, and do not let
them _see_ that you have sought them out; unless, indeed, there be
something very important to communicate.
Gentlemen who attend ladies to the opera, to concerts, to lectures,
etc., should take off their hats on entering the room, and while showing
them their seats. Having taken your seats remain quietly in them, and
avoid, unless absolute necessity requires it, incommoding others by
crowding out and in before them. If obliged to do this, politely
apologize for the trouble you cause them. To talk during the performance
is an act of rudeness and injustice. You thus proclaim your own
ill-breeding and invade the rights of others, who have paid for the
privilege of hearing the performers, and not for listening to you.
If you are in attendance upon a lady at any opera, concert, or lecture,
you should retain your seat at her side; but if you have no lady with
you, and have taken a desirable seat, you should, if need be, cheerfully
relinquish it in favor of a lady, for one less eligible.
To the opera, or theater, ladies should wear opera hoods, which are to
be taken off on entering. In this country, custom permits the wearing of
bonnets; but as they are neither convenient nor comfortable, ladies
should dispense with their use whenever they can.
Gloves should be worn by ladies in church, and in places of public
amusement. Do not take them off to shake hands. Great care should be
taken that they are well made and fit neatly.
If you would have your children grow up beloved and respected by their
elders as well as their contemporaries, teach them good manners in their
childhood. The young sovereign should first learn to obey, that he may
be the better fitted to command in his turn.
Show, but do not show off, your children to strangers. Recollect, in the
matter of children, how many are born every hour, each one almost as
remarkable as yours in the eyes of its papa and mamma.
Notwithstanding that good general breeding is easy of attainment, and
is, in fact, attained by most people, yet we may enlarge upon a saying
of Emerson's, by declaring that the world has never yet seen "a perfect
gentleman."
It is not deemed polite and respectful to smoke in the presence of
ladies, even though they are amiable enough to permit it. A gentleman,
therefore, is not in the habit of smoking in the parlor, for if there is
nobody present to object, it leaves a smell in the room which the wife
has good reason to be mortified at, if discovered by her guests.
It is very common to see persons eat, drink, and smoke to excess. Such
habits are vulgar in the lowest degree. Some men pride themselves on
their abilities in drinking and smoking--more especially in the latter.
These are blunders that need no reasoning to expose them. The man who
exhibits a tendency to excesses will, sooner or later, be shunned by all
except a few of his own stamp, and not even by them be respected. Guard
against excess in all things, as neither gentlemanly nor human.
Spitting is a filthy habit, and annoys one in almost every quarter,
in-doors and out. Since vulgarity has had its way so extensively amongst
us, every youth begins to smoke and spit before he has well cut his
teeth. Smoking is unquestionably so great a pleasure to those accustomed
to it, that it must not be condemned, yet the spitting associated with
it detracts very much from the enjoyment. No refined person will spit
where ladies are present, or in any public promenade; the habit is
disgusting in the extreme, and one would almost wish that it could be
checked in public by means of law.
Never scratch your head, pick your teeth, clean your nails, or, worse
than all, pick your nose in company; all these things are disgusting.
To indulge in ridicule, whether the subject be present or absent, is to
descend below the level of gentlemanly propriety. Your skill may excite
laughter, but will not insure respect.
A reverential regard for religious observances, and religious opinions,
is a distinguishing trait of a refined mind. Whatever your opinions on
the subject, you are not to intrude them on others, perhaps to the
shaking of their faith and happiness. Religious topics should be avoided
in conversation, except where all are prepared to concur in a respectful
treatment of the subject. In mixed societies the subject should never be
introduced.
Frequent consultation of the watch or time-pieces is impolite, either
when at home or abroad. If at home, it appears as if you were tired of
your company and wished them to be gone; if abroad, as if the hours
dragged heavily, and you were calculating how soon you would be
released.
Never read in company. A gentleman or lady may, however, look over a
book of engravings with propriety.
The simpler, and the more easy and unconstrained your manners, the more
you will impress people of your good breeding. _Affectation_ is one of
the brazen marks of vulgarity.
It is very unbecoming to exhibit petulance, or angry feeling, though it
is indulged in so largely in almost every circle. The true gentleman
does not suffer his countenance to be easily ruffled; and we only look
paltry when we suffer temper to hurry us into ill-judged expressions of
feeling. "He that is soon angry dealeth foolishly."
Commands should never be given in a commanding tone. A gentleman
requests, he does not command. We are not to assume so much importance,
whatever our station, as to give orders in the "imperative mood," nor
are we ever justified in thrusting the consciousness of servitude on any
one. The blunder of commanding sternly is most frequently committed by
those who have themselves but just escaped servitude, and we should not
exhibit to others a weakness so unbecoming.
It is a great thing to be able to _walk like a gentleman_--that is, to
get rid of the awkward, lounging, swinging gait of a clown, and stop
before you reach the affected and flippant step of a dandy. In short,
nothing but _being a gentleman_ can ever give you the air and step of
one. A man who has a shallow or an impudent brain will be quite sure to
show it in his heels, in spite of all that rules of manners can do for
him.
A gentleman never sits in the house with his hat on in the presence of
ladies for a single moment. Indeed, so strong is the force of habit,
that a gentleman will quite unconsciously remove his hat on entering a
parlor, or drawing-room, even if there is no one present but himself.
People who sit in the house with their hats on are to be suspected of
having spent the most of their time in bar-rooms, and similar places. _A
gentleman never sits with his hat on in the theater._ Gentlemen do not
generally sit even in an eating-room with their hats on, if there is any
convenient place to put them.
The books on etiquette will tell you, that on waiting on a lady into a
carriage, or the box of a theater, you are to take off your hat; but
such _is not_ the custom among polite people in this country. The
inconvenience of such a rule is a good reason against its observance in
a country where the practice of politeness has in it nothing of the
servility which is often attached to it in countries where the code of
etiquette is dictated by the courts of monarchy. In handing a lady into
a carriage, a gentleman _may_ need to employ both his hands, and he has
no third hand to hold on to his hat.
Cleanliness of person is a distinguishing trait of every well-bred
person; and this not on state occasions only, but at all times, even at
home. It is a folly to sit by the fire in a slovenly state, consoling
oneself with the remark, "Nobody will call to-day." Should somebody call
we are in no plight to receive them, and otherwise it is an injury to
the character to allow slovenly habits to control us even when we are
unseen.
Chesterfield inveighs against holding a man by the button, "for if
people are not willing to hear you, you had much better hold your tongue
than them." Button-holing is not a common vice, but pointing, nudging,
hitting a man in the side with your fist, or giving him a kick of
recognition under the table, are too common not to be noticed here as
terrible breaches of deportment. Significant looks and gestures are
equally objectionable, and must be avoided by all who desire to soar
above positive vulgarity. I have often been annoyed by hearing a friend
discourse on some person's failings or excellences, the person referred
to being only known to the speaker. It is a bad rule to talk of persons
at all, but more especially if the person spoken of is not known to all
the listeners.
Do not offer a person the chair from which you have just risen, unless
there be no other in the room.
Never take the chair usually occupied by the lady or gentleman of the
house, even though they be absent, nor use the snuff-box of another,
unless he offer it.
Do not lean your head against the wall. You will either soil the paper,
or get your hair well powdered with lime.
Do not touch any of the ornaments in the houses where you visit; they
are meant only for the use of the lady of the house, and may be admired,
but not touched.