considerations of personal comfort or convenience to cause you to
disregard the rights of fellow-travelers, or forget the respectful
courtesy due to woman. The pleasantest or most comfortable seats belong
to the ladies, and you should never refuse to resign such seats to them
with a cheerful politeness. Sometimes a gentleman will go through a car
and choose his seat, and afterward vacate it to procure his ticket,
leaving his overcoat or carpet bag to show that the seat is taken.
Always respect this token, and never seize upon a seat thus secured,
without leave, even though you may want it for a lady. It is not always
necessary for a gentleman to rise after he has seated himself and offer
his seat to a lady, particularly if the lady is accompanied by another
gentleman; for there may still be eligible vacant seats in the cars. But
should you see a lady come alone, and if the seats in the car all appear
to be filled, do not hesitate to offer her yours, if you have no ladies
in your company. And should a lady motion to seat herself beside you,
rise at once and offer her the choice of the two seats. These are but
common courtesies that every well-bred man will at all times cheerfully
offer to the other sex.
Making acquaintances in the cars, although correct enough, is a measure
of which travelers generally appear to be very shy. There is no reason
for this, as acquaintances thus picked up need never be recognized again
unless you please. If a stranger speaks to you, always answer him
politely, and if his conversation proves disagreeable, you have no
alternative but to change your seat.
In steamers do not make a rush for the supper table, or make a glutton
of yourself when you get there. Never fail to offer your seat on deck to
a lady, if the seats all appear to be occupied, and always meet half way
any fellow-passenger who wishes to enter into conversation with you.
Some travelers are so exclusive that they consider it a presumption on
the part of a stranger to address them; but such people are generally
foolish, and of no account. Sociable intercourse while traveling is one
of its main attractions. Who would care about sitting and moping for a
dozen of hours on board a steamer without exchanging a word with
anybody? and this must be the fate of the exclusives when they travel
alone. Even ladies, who run greater risks in forming steamboat
acquaintances than the men, are allowed the greatest privileges in that
respect. It might not be exactly correct for a lady to make a speaking
acquaintance of a gentleman; but she may address or question him for the
time being without impropriety.
Fellow-passengers, whether on a steamboat or in the cars, should at all
times be sociable and obliging to one another. Those who are the reverse
of this may be set down either as selfish, foolish, or conceited.
In the cars you have no right to keep a window open for your
accommodation, if the current of air thus produced annoys or endangers
the health of another. There are a sufficient number of discomforts in
traveling, at best, and it should be the aim of each passenger to lessen
them as much as possible, and to cheerfully bear his own part. Life is a
journey, and we are all fellow-travelers.
If in riding in an omnibus, or crossing a ferry with a friend, he wishes
to pay for you, never insist upon paying for yourself or for both. If he
is before you, let the matter pass without remark.
MARRIAGE.
In speaking of marriage, it is not merely with reference to its social
importance, but as regards certain observances, concerning which no work
on Etiquette has yet given any explicit rules.
First, then, with respect to the preliminary subject of courtship. That
unseen monitor, who has already suggested many points for consideration
to lady readers, would now say to them: Before you admit the attentions
of a gentleman who wishes to pay you his addresses, very carefully
examine your respective tastes and dispositions; and settle in your own
mind what are the most important requisites of happiness in a married
state. With this view, you must enter upon the consideration of the
subject with a calm and decisive spirit, which will enable you to see
where your true happiness lies, and to pursue it with determined
resolution. In matters of business, follow the advice of such as are
able to guide you; and as regards the subject of marriage, turn not away
from the counsel of those who are appointed to watch over and direct
you.
If a gentleman gives you reason to believe that he wishes to engage your
affections, seek the advice of your parents, that they may gain for you
every necessary particular with regard to his morals and disposition,
and means of suitably providing for you. If, unhappily, death has
deprived you of parents, ask counsel of some one who will care for you,
and on whose friendship you can rely. Remember that you have little
knowledge of the world, and that your judgment has not arrived at full
maturity. But however circumstanced, avoid, as you would the plague, any
attentions from a gentleman whose moral character renders him
undeserving your regard.
Let neither rank nor fortune, nor the finest order of intellect, nor yet
the most winning manners, induce you to accept the addresses of an
irreligious man. You dare not ask the blessing of your Heavenly Father
upon such addresses; and without His blessing, what happiness can you
expect? Men often say, "that whatever their own opinions may be, they
will marry religious women." This may be; but woe to a religious woman,
if she allows herself to be thus beguiled! Supposing your admirer be a
sensible man, he will like religion in you for his own sake; if, on the
contrary, such is not the case, and you become his wife, he will often,
though perhaps without intention, distress you by his remarks; and in
either case, if you have children, you will suffer much in seeing that
your endeavors to form their minds to virtue and piety, and to secure
their present and eternal happiness, are regarded with indifference, or
at least that you are not assisted in your efforts.
Remember, also, that no happiness can be expected in the marriage state,
unless the husband be worthy of respect. Do not marry a weak man; he is
often intractable or capricious, and seldom listens to the voice of
reason; and most painful must it be to any sensible woman to have to
blush for her husband, and feel uneasy every time he opens his lips.
Still worse, if it should please God to give her children, if she cannot
point to the example of their father as leading to what is excellent and
of good report; nor yet to his precepts and instructions as their rule
of conduct. One thing is certain, that a weak man uniformly shows his
consequence by contradicting his wife, because he will not have it
supposed that he is under her influence.
Advances, or offers of marriage, are made in a thousand different ways;
but, however tendered, receive them courteously, and with dignity. If a
letter comes to you, answer it as becomes a gentlewoman--your own heart
will dictate what you ought to say. Questions have arisen with regard to
the wording of such letters, but no certain rule can be laid down;
whether it be answered in the first or third person, must depend upon
the degree of acquaintance which has previously existed. No young lady
would certainly head her letter with--"Dear Sir," to a suitor whom she
scarcely knows, or to one whom she intends refusing. She ought, however,
on no account, either to receive or answer letters of the kind without
showing them to her mother; or, if unfortunately without parents, she
will do well to consult some judicious female friend.
Never trifle with the affections of a man who loves you; nor admit of
marked attentions from one whose affection you cannot return. Some young
ladies pride themselves upon the conquests which they make, and would
not scruple to sacrifice the happiness of an estimable person to their
reprehensible vanity. Let this be far from you. If you see clearly that
you have become an object of especial regard to a gentleman, and do not
wish to encourage his addresses, treat him honorably and humanely, as
you hope to be used with generosity by the person who may engage your
own heart. Do not let him linger in suspense, but take the earliest
opportunity of carefully making known your feelings on the subject. This
may be done in a variety of ways. A refined ease of manner will satisfy
him, if he has any discernment, that his addresses will not be
acceptable. Should your natural disposition render this difficult, show
that you wish to avoid his company, and he will presently withdraw; but
if even this is difficult--and who can lay down rules for
another?--allow an opportunity for explanation to occur. You can then
give him a polite and decisive answer; and be assured that, in whatever
manner you convey your sentiments to him, if he be a man of delicacy and
right feeling, he will trouble you no further. Let it never be said of
you, that you permit the attentions of an honorable man when you have no
heart to give him; or that you have trifled with the affections of one
whom you perhaps esteem, although you resolve never to marry him. It may
be that his preference gratifies, and his conversation interests you;
that you are flattered by the attentions of a man whom some of your
companions admire; and that, in truth, you hardly know your own mind on
the subject. This will not excuse you. Every young woman ought to know
the state of her own heart; and yet the happiness and future prospects
of many an excellent man have been sacrificed by such unprincipled
conduct.
Remember that if a gentleman makes you an offer, you have no right to
speak of it. If you possess either generosity or gratitude for offered
affection, you will not betray a secret which does not belong to you. It
is sufficiently painful to be refused, without incurring the additional
mortification of being pointed out as a rejected lover.
If, on the contrary, you encourage the addresses of a deserving man,
behave honorably and sensibly. Do not lead him about as if in triumph,
nor take advantage of the ascendency which you have gained by playing
with his feelings. Do not seek for occasions to tease him, that you may
try his temper; neither affect indifference, nor provoke lovers'
quarrels, for the foolish pleasure of reconciliation. On your conduct
during courtship will very much depend the estimation in which you will
be held by your husband in after life.
Assuming that the important day is fixed, and that the bidden guests
have accepted the invitations, a few observations may be useful,
especially to those who live retired in the country.
The bride uniformly goes to church in the same carriage with her
parents, or with those who stand in their place; as, for instance, if
the father is deceased, an elder brother or uncle, or even guardian,
accompanies her mother and herself. If, unhappily, she is an orphan, and
has no relations, a middle-aged lady and gentleman, friends of her
parents, should be requested to take their place. A bridesmaid will also
occupy a seat in the same carriage.
The bridegroom finds his way to church in a separate carriage with his
friends, and he will show his gallantry by handing the bride from her
carriage, and paying every attention to those who accompany her. Any
omission in this respect cannot be too carefully avoided.
When arrived at the altar, the father of the bride, or, in default of
such relation, the nearest connexion, or some old friend, gives away the
bride. The bridesmaids stand near the bride; and either her sister, or
some favorite friend, will hold the gloves or handkerchief, as may be
required, when she ungloves her hand for the wedding-ring. When the
ceremony is completed, and the names of the bride and bridegroom are
signed in the vestry, they first leave the church together, occupying by
themselves the carriage that waits to convey them to the house of the
bride's father and mother, or that of the guardian, or friend, by whom
the bridal breakfast is provided.
The wedding-cake uniformly occupies the center of the table. It is often
tastefully surrounded with flowers, among which those of the fragrant
orange ought to be conspicuous. After being cut according to the usages
observed on such occasions, the oldest friend of the family proposes the
lady's health; that of the bridegroom is generally proposed by some
friend of his own, if present; but if this is not the case, by his
father-in-law, or any of his new relatives, who will deem it incumbent
upon them to say something gratifying to him while proposing his health,
which courtesy he must acknowledge as best he can. After this the bride
withdraws, in order to prepare for leaving the parental roof, by taking
off her wedding, and putting on her traveling dress; although it happens
not unfrequently that the bride remains in another apartment, and thus
avoids the fatigue and embarrassment of appearing at the
breakfast-table. When this occurs, her place beside the bridegroom must
be occupied by a near relation or friend. But whether present, or
remaining apart with a few friends, all who are invited to do honor to
the bride must appear in full dress. Bracelets may be worn on one or
both wrists. Black of any kind is wholly inadmissible; not even black
satin can be allowed; and widows must attire themselves either in quiet
colored suits, or else in silver gray.
On such festive occasions, all appear in their best attire, and assume
their best manners. Peculiarities that pertain to past days, or have
been unwarily adopted, should be guarded against; mysteries concerning
knives, forks, and plates, or throwing "an old shoe" after the bride,
are highly reprehensible, and have long been exploded. Such practices
may seem immaterial, but they are not so. Stranger guests often meet at
a wedding breakfast; and the good breeding of the family may be somewhat
compromised by neglect in small things.
If the lady appears at breakfast, which is certainly desirable, she
occupies, with her husband, the center of the table, and sits by his
side--her father and mother taking the top and bottom, and showing all
honor to their guests. When the cake has been cut, and every one is
helped--when, too, the health of the bride and bridegroom has been
drunk, and every compliment and kind wish has been duly proffered and
acknowledged--the bride, attended by her friends, withdraws; and when
ready for her departure the newly-married couple start off on their
wedding journey, generally about two or three o'clock, and the rest of
the company shortly afterward take their leave.
In some circles it is customary to send cards almost immediately to
friends and relations, mentioning at what time and hour the
newly-married couple expect to be called upon. Some little inconvenience
occasionally attends this custom, as young people may wish to extend
their wedding tour beyond the time first mentioned, or, if they go
abroad, delays may unavoidably occur. It is therefore better to postpone
sending cards, for a short time at least.
Fashions change continually with regard to wedding-cards. A few years
since they were highly ornamented, and fantastically tied together; now
silver-edged cards are fashionable; but, unquestionably, the plainer and
more unostentatious a wedding-card, the more lady-like and becoming it
will be.
No one to whom a wedding-card has not been sent ought to call upon a
newly-married couple.
When the days named for seeing company arrive, remember to be punctual.
Call, if possible, the first day, but neither before nor after the
appointed hour. Wedding-cake and wine are handed round, of which every
one partakes, and each expresses some kindly wish for the happiness of
the newly-married couple.
Taking possession of their home by young people is always a joyous
period. The depressing influence of a wedding breakfast, where often the
hearts of many are sad, is not felt, and every one looks forward to
years of prosperity and happiness.
If the gentleman is in a profession, and it happens that he cannot await
the arrival of such as call, according to invitation on the
wedding-card, an apology must be made, and, if possible, an old friend
of the family should represent him. A bride must on no account receive
her visitors without a mother, or sister, or some friend being present,
not even if her husband is at home. This is imperative. To do otherwise
is to disregard the usuages of society. We remember once calling on a
very young bride, and found her alone. Conjectures were made by every
visitor with regard to such a strange occurrence, and their surprise was
still more increased, when it became known that the young lady returned
her calls equally unattended.
Wedding visits must be returned during the course of a few days, and
parties are generally made for the newly-married couple, which they are
expected to return. This does not, however, necessarily entail much
visiting; neither is it expected from young people, whose resources may
be somewhat limited, or when the husband has to make his way in the
world.
DOMESTIC ETIQUETTE AND DUTIES.
"The little community to which I gave laws," said the Vicar of
Wakefield, "was regulated in the following manner:--We all assembled
early, and after we had saluted each other with proper ceremony, (for I
always thought fit to keep up some mechanical forms of good breeding,
without which, freedom ever destroys friendship,) we all knelt in
gratitude to that Being who gave us another day. So also when we parted
for the night."
We earnestly recommend that the precepts and example of the good old
Vicar should be followed and adopted by every newly-married couple. With
regard to the first, the courtesies of society should never be omitted,
in even the most trivial matters; and, as respects the second, what
blessing can be reasonably expected to descend upon a house wherein the
voice of thanksgiving is never heard, nor yet protection sought by its
acknowledged head!
On the wife especially devolves the privilege and pleasure of rendering
home happy. We shall, therefore, speak of such duties and observances as
pertain to her.
When a young wife first settles in her home, many excellent persons,
with more zeal, it may be, than discretion, immediately propose that she
should devote some of her leisure time to charitable purposes: such, for
instance, as clothing societies for the poor, or schools, or district
visiting. We say with all earnestness to our young friend, engage in
nothing of the kind, however laudable, without previously consulting
your husband, and obtaining his full concurrence. Carefully avoid, also,
being induced by any specious arguments to attend evening lectures,
unless he accompanies you. Remember that your Heavenly Father, who has
given you a home to dwell in, requires from you a right performance of
its duties. Win your husband, by all gentle appliances, to love
religion; but do not, for the sake even of a privilege and a blessing,
leave him to spend his evenings alone. Look often on your marriage ring,
and remember the sacred vows taken by you when the ring was given; such
thoughts will go far toward allaying many of these petty vexations which
circumstances call forth.
Never let your husband have cause to complain that you are more
agreeable abroad than at home; nor permit him to see in you an object of
admiration, as respects your dress and manners, when in company, while
you are negligent of both in the domestic circle. Many an unhappy
marriage has been occasioned by neglect in these particulars. Nothing
can be more senseless than the conduct of a young woman, who seeks to be
admired in general society for her politeness and engaging manners, or
skill in music, when, at the same time, she makes no effort to render
her home attractive; and yet that home, whether a palace or a cottage,
is the very center of her being--the nucleus around which her affections
should revolve, and beyond which she has comparatively small concern.
Beware of intrusting any individual whatever with small annoyances, or
misunderstandings, between your husband and yourself, if they unhappily
occur. Confidants are dangerous persons, and many seek to obtain an
ascendency in families by gaining the good opinion of young married
women. Be on your guard, and reject every overture that may lead to
undesirable intimacy. Should any one presume to offer you advice with
regard to your husband, or seek to lessen him by insinuations, shun that
person as you would a serpent. Many a happy home has been rendered
desolate by exciting coolness or suspicion, or by endeavors to gain
importance in an artful and insidious manner.
In all money matters, act openly and honorably. Keep your accounts with
the most scrupulous exactness, and let your husband see that you take an
honest pride in rightly appropriating the money which he intrusts to
you. "My husband works hard for every dollar that he earns," said a
young married lady, the wife of a professional man, to a friend who
found her busily employed in sewing buttons on her husband's coat, "and
it seems to me worse than cruel to lay out a dime unnecessarily." Be
very careful, also, that you do not spend more than can be afforded in
dress; and be satisfied with such carpets and curtains in your
drawing-room as befit a moderate fortune, or professional income.
Natural ornaments, and flowers tastefully arranged, give an air of
elegance to a room in which the furniture is far from costly; and books
judiciously placed, uniformly produce a good effect. A sensible woman
will always seek to ornament her home, and to render it attractive, more
especially as this is the taste of the present day. The power of
association is very great; light, and air, and elegance, are important
in their effects. No wife acts wisely who permits her sitting-room to
look dull in the eyes of him whom she ought especially to please, and
with whom she has to pass her days.
In middle life, instances frequently occur of concealment with regard to
money concerns; thus, for instance, a wife wishes to possess an article
of dress which is too costly for immediate purchase, or a piece of
furniture liable to the same objection. She accordingly makes an
agreement with a seller, and there are many who call regularly at houses
when the husband is absent on business, and who receive whatever the
mistress of the house can spare from her expenses. A book is kept by the
seller, in which payments are entered; but a duplicate is never
retained by the wife, and therefore she has no check whatever. We have
known an article of dress paid for in this manner, far above its value,
and have heard a poor young woman, who has been thus duped, say to a
lady, who remonstrated with her: "Alas! what can I do? I dare not tell
my husband." It may be that the same system, though differing according
to circumstances, is pursued in a superior class of life. We have reason
to think that it is so, and therefore affectionately warn our younger
sisters to beware of making purchases that require concealment. Be
content with such things as you can honorably afford, and such as your
husbands approve. You can then wear them with every feeling of
self-satisfaction.
Before dismissing this part of our subject, we beseech you to avoid all
bickerings. What does it signify where a picture hangs, or whether a
rose or a pink looks best on the drawing-room table? There is something
inexpressibly endearing in small concessions, in gracefully giving up a
favorite opinion, or in yielding to the will of another; and equally
painful is the reverse. The mightiest rivers have their source in
streams; the bitterest domestic misery has often arisen from some
trifling difference of opinion. If, by chance, you marry a man of a
hasty temper, great discretion is required. Much willingness, too, and
prayer for strength to rule your own spirit are necessary. Three
instances occur to us, in which, ladies have knowingly married men of
exceeding violent tempers, and yet have lived happily. The secret of
their happiness consisted in possessing a perfect command over
themselves, and in seeking, by every possible means, to prevent their
husbands from committing themselves in their presence.