absent man as unfit for business or conversation. Absence of mind is
usually affected, and springs in most cases from a desire to be thought
abstracted in profound contemplations. The world, however, gives a man
no credit for vast ideas who exhibits absence when he should be
attentive, even to trifles. The world is right in this, and I would
implore every studious youth to forget that he is studious when he
enters company. I have seen many a man, who would have made a bright
character otherwise, affect a foolish reserve, remove himself as far
from others as possible, and in a mixed assembly, where social prattle
or sincere conversation enlivened the hearts of the company, sit by
himself abstracted in a book. It is foolish, and, what is worse for the
absentee, it looks so. A hint on this subject is sufficient, and we do
hint, that abstractedness of manner should never be exhibited; the
greatest geniuses have ever been attentive to trifles when it so
behooved them.
Affectation of superiority galls the feelings of those to whom it is
offered. In company with an inferior, never let him feel his
inferiority. An employer, who invites his confidential clerk to his
house, should treat him in every way the same as his most distinguished
guest. No reference to business should be made, and anything in the
shape of command avoided. It is very easy by a look, a word, the mode of
reception, or otherwise, to advertise to the other guests, "This is my
clerk," or, "The person I now treat as a guest was yesterday laboring in
my service;" but such a thing would lower the host more than it would
annoy the guest. Before Burns had arrived at his high popularity, he was
once invited by some puffed-up lairds to dine, in order that they
might have the gratification of hearing the poet sing one of his own
songs. Burns was shown into the servants' hall, and left to dine with
the menials. After dinner he was invited to the drawing-room, and a
glass of wine being handed to him, requested to sing one of his own
songs. He immediately gave his entertainers that thrilling assertion of
independence, "A man's a man for a' that," and left the moment he had
finished, his heart embittered at patronage offered in a manner so
insulting to his poverty.
People who have risen in the world are too apt to suppose they render
themselves of consequence _in proportion to the pride they display_, and
their want of attention toward those with whom they come in contact.
This is a terrible mistake, as every ill-bred act recoils with triple
violence against its perpetrators, by leading the offended parties to
analyze them, and to question their right of assuming a superiority to
which they are but rarely entitled.
Punctuality is one of the characteristics of politeness. He who does not
keep his appointments promptly is unfit for the society of gentlemen,
and will soon find himself shut out from it.
In private, watch your thoughts; in your family, watch your temper; in
society, watch your tongue.
Avoid restlessness in company, lest you make the whole party as fidgety
as yourself. "Do not beat the 'Devil's tattoo' by drumming with your
fingers on the table; it cannot fail to annoy every one within hearing,
and is the index of a vacant mind. Neither read the newspaper in an
audible whisper, as it disturbs the attention of those near you. Both
these bad habits are particularly offensive where most common, that is,
in a counting or news-room. Remember, that a carelessness as to what may
incommode others is the sure sign of a coarse and ordinary mind;
indeed, the essential part of good breeding is more in the avoidance of
whatever may be disagreeable to others, than even an accurate observance
of the customs of good society."
Good sense must, in many cases, determine good breeding; because the
same thing that would be civil at one time and to one person, may be
quite otherwise at another time and to another person.
Chesterfield says, "As learning, honor, and virtue are absolutely
necessary to gain you the esteem and admiration of mankind, politeness
and good breeding are equally necessary to make you welcome and
agreeable in conversation and common life. Great talents, such as honor,
virtue, learning, and parts, are above the generality of the world, who
neither possess them themselves nor judge of them rightly in others; but
all people are judges of the lesser talents, such as civility,
affability, and an obliging, agreeable address and manner; because they
feel the good effects of them, as making society easy and pleasing."
If you are in a public room, as a library or reading-room, avoid loud
conversation or laughing, which may disturb others. At the opera, or a
concert, be profoundly silent during the performances; if you do not
wish to hear the music, you have no right to interfere with the
enjoyment of others.
In accompanying ladies to any public place, as to a concert or lecture,
you should precede them in entering the room, and procure seats for
them.
Never allow a lady to get a chair for herself, ring a bell, pick up a
handkerchief or glove she may have dropped, or, in short, perform any
service for herself which you can perform for her, when you are in the
room. By extending such courtesies to your mother, sisters, or other
members of your family, they become habitual, and are thus more
gracefully performed when abroad.
Etiquette in church is entirely out of place; but we may here observe
that a conversation wantonly profligate always offends against good
manners, nor can an irreligious man ever achieve that bearing which
constitutes the true gentleman. He may be very polished and observant of
form, and even if so, he will, out of respect for others, refrain from
intruding his opinions and abstain from attacking those of others.
Chesterfield says, "Civility is particularly due to all women; and,
remember, that no provocation whatsoever can justify any man in not
being civil to every woman; and the greatest man would justly be
reckoned a brute if he were not civil to the meanest woman. It is due to
their sex, and is the only protection they have against the superior
strength of ours; nay, even a little is allowable with women; and a man
may, without weakness, tell a woman she is either handsomer or wiser
than she is."
Keep your engagements. Nothing is ruder than to make an engagement, be
it of business or pleasure, and break it. If your memory is not
sufficiently retentive to keep all the engagements you make stored
within it, carry a little memorandum book and enter them there.
Especially keep any appointment made with a lady, for, depend upon it,
the fair sex forgive any other fault in good breeding, sooner than a
broken engagement.
The right of privacy is sacred, and should always be respected. It is
exceedingly improper to enter a private room anywhere without knocking.
No relation, however intimate, will justify an abrupt intrusion upon a
private apartment. So the trunks, boxes, packets, papers, and letters of
every individual, locked or unlocked, sealed or unsealed, are sacred. It
is ill-manners even to open a book-case, or to read a written paper
lying open, without permission expressed or implied. Books in an open
case or on a center-table, cards in a card-case, and newspapers, are
presumed to be open for examination. Be careful where you go, what you
read, and what you handle, particularly in private apartments.
Avoid intermeddling with the affairs of others. This is a most common
fault. A number of people seldom meet but they begin discussing the
affairs of some one who is absent. This is not only uncharitable but
positively unjust. It is equivalent to trying a _cause in the absence of
the person implicated_. Even in the criminal code a prisoner is presumed
to be innocent until he is found guilty. Society, however, is less just,
and passes judgment without hearing the defence. Depend upon it, as a
certain rule, _that the people who unite with you in discussing the
affairs of others will proceed to scandalize you the moment that you
depart_.
Be well read also, for the sake of the general company and the ladies,
in the literature of the day. You will thereby enlarge the regions of
pleasurable talk. Besides, it is often necessary. Haslitt, who had
entertained an unfounded prejudice against Dickens's works when they
were first written, confesses that he was at last obliged to read them,
because he could not enter a mixed company without hearing them admired
and quoted.
Always conform your conduct, as near as possible, to the company with
whom you are associated. If you should be thrown among people who are
vulgar, it is better to humor them than to set yourself up, then and
there, for a model of politeness. It is related of a certain king that
on a particular occasion he turned his tea into his saucer, contrary to
the etiquette of society, because two country ladies, whose
hospitalities he was enjoying, did so. That king was a gentleman; and
this anecdote serves to illustrate an important principle: namely, that
true politeness and genuine good manners often not only permit, but
absolutely demand, a violation of some of the arbitrary rules of
etiquette. Bear this fact in mind.
Although these remarks will not be sufficient in themselves to _make_
you a _gentleman_, yet they will enable you to avoid any glaring
impropriety, and do much to render you easy and confident in society.
Gentility is neither in birth, manner, nor fashion--but in _the_ MIND. A
high sense of honor--a determination never to take a mean advantage of
another--an adherence to truth, delicacy, and politeness toward those
with whom you may have dealings--are the essential and distinguishing
characteristics of A GENTLEMAN.
THE END.
TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES
Italics indicated _like this_
Small caps capitalized LIKE THIS
Other than corrections listed below, inconsistent spellings and other
anomalies are as in original.
p. 5 "withuot" corrected to "without"
p. 13 double word "heard" corrected
p. 21 "there" corrected to "their"
p. 22 closing quotation mark added to block quotation
p. 27 "sermom" corrected to "sermon"
p. 43 "fluctating" corrected to "fluctuating"
p. 49 "unmindul" corrected to "unmindful"
p. 50 missing comma supplied after "one who is neither"
p. 50 "similiar" corrected to "similar"
p. 50 "supenderless" corrected to "suspenderless"
p. 53 quotation mark supplied after "superficial observer."
p. 56 "four and-twenty" corrected to "four-and-twenty"
p. 61 "repectability" corrected to "respectability"
p. 62 "uneviable" corrected to "unenviable"
p. 70 "digusting" corrected to "disgusting"
p. 73 "you" corrected to "your"
p. 76 "alllowed" corrected to "allowed"
p. 76 "canibals" corrected to "cannibals"
p. 77 "you knife" corrected to "your knife"
p. 83 superfluous comma removed in "very, large"
p. 84 missing "a" supplied in "find good carver"
p. 108 period supplied after "each other at a party"
p. 115 "entranc" corrected to "entrance"
p. 115 final period supplied in footnote
p. 125 final period supplied after "been afforded them"
p. 146 "judicioulsy" corrected to "judiciously"
p. 148 "unless he intimate" corrected to "unless he intimates"
p. 148 "intercourse it desired" corrected to "intercourse is desired"
p. 149 double word "to" corrected
p. 151 "departmemt" corrected to "department"
p. 151 "husbands should" at start of sentence capitalized
p. 158 "digusting" corrected to "disgusting"
p. 159 "thought it is" corrected to "though it is"
p. 161 double word "call" corrected