officially. It is not only ill-bred, but positively improper to do so.
At the same time, there is a certain privilege in age, which makes it
possible for an old bachelor like myself to receive a visit from any
married lady whom I know very intimately, but such a call would
certainly not be one of ceremony, and always presupposes a desire to
consult me on some point or other. I should be guilty of shameful
treachery, however, if I told any one that I had received such a visit,
while I should certainly expect that my fair caller would let her
husband know of it.
When morning visitors are announced, rise and advance toward them. If a
lady enters, request her to be seated on a sofa; but if advanced in
life, or the visitor be an elderly gentleman, insist on their accepting
an easy chair, and place yourself, by them. If several ladies arrive at
the same time, pay due respect to age and rank, and seat them in the
most honorable places; these, in winter, are beside the fire.
Supposing that a young lady occupies such a seat, and a lady older than
herself, or superior in condition, enters the room, she must rise
immediately, and having courteously offered her place to the new comer,
take another in a different part of the room.
If a lady is engaged with her needle when a visitor arrives, she ought
to discontinue her work, unless requested to do otherwise: and not even
then must it be resumed, unless on very intimate terms with her
acquaintance. When this, however, is the case, the hostess may herself
request permission to do so. To continue working during a visit of
ceremony would be extremely discourteous; and we cannot avoid hinting to
our lady readers, that even when a particular friend is present for only
a short time, it is somewhat inconsistent with etiquette to keep their
eyes fixed on a crochet or knitting-book, apparently engaged in counting
stitches, or unfolding the intricacies of a pattern. We have seen this
done, and are, therefore, careful to warn them on the subject. There are
many kinds of light and elegant, and even useful work, which do not
require close attention, and may be profitably pursued; and such we
recommend to be always on the work-table at those hours which, according
to established practice, are given to social intercourse.
It is generally customary in the country to offer refreshment to morning
visitors. If they come from a considerable distance, and are on intimate
terms, hospitality requires that you should invite them to take
luncheon. In town it is otherwise, and you are not expected to render
any courtesy of the kind, except to aged or feeble persons, or to some
one who, perhaps, is in affliction, and to whom the utmost kindliness
should be shown.
When your visitor is about to take leave, rise, and accompany her to the
door, mindful, at the same time, that the bell is rung, in order that a
servant may be in attendance. If the master of the house is present, and
a lady is just going away, he must offer her his arm, and lead her to
the hall or passage door. If her carriage be in waiting, he will, of
course, hand her into it. These attentions are slight, and some persons
may think they are scarcely worth noticing. Nevertheless, they are
important, and we are the more earnest to press them on the attention of
our readers, because we have witnessed the omission of such acts of
courtesy in families where a very different mode of conduct might be
expected.
And here, turning aside for a brief space from the subject-matter of our
discourse, we desire earnestly to impress upon mothers who have sons
growing up, the great importance of early imbuing them with the
principles of true politeness, and consequent attention to its most
trifling observances. What matters it if a tall lad pushes into a room
before one of his mother's visitors; or, if he chance to see her going
into church, instead of holding the door in a gentlemanly manner, he
lets it swing in her face when he has himself entered; or whether he
comes into the drawing-room with his hat on, unobservant of lady
visitors, or lolls in an arm-chair reading the newspaper?
"What signifies it?" some will say--"why tease a youth about such
matters? He will learn manners as he grows up." We think otherwise, and
do not scruple to affirm, that he can never learn real gentlemanly
politeness from any one but his mother. The neglect of small courtesies
in early life, and the outward or mental boorishness to which it leads,
has been, to our certain knowledge, a more fruitful source of
wretchedness in many homes, than we have either time or inclination to
relate.
In this changing world, visits of condolence must be also occasionally
paid; and concerning such, a few necessary rules may be briefly stated.
Visits of condolence should be paid within a week after the event which
occasions them; but if the acquaintance be slight, immediately after the
family appear at public worship. A card should be sent up; and if your
friends are able to receive you, let your manners and conversation be in
harmony with the character of your visit. It is courteous to send up a
mourning card; and for ladies to make their calls in black silk or
plain-colored apparel. It denotes that they sympathize with the
afflictions of the family; and such attentions are always pleasing.
Gentlemen will do well to bear in mind that, when they pay morning
calls, they must carry their hats with them into the drawing-room; but
on no account put them on the chairs or table. There is a graceful
manner of holding a hat, which every well-bred man understands.
When calling upon a friend who is boarding, do not go up till the
servant returns with an invitation; and never enter a room without
previously knocking at the door, and receiving an invitation to come in.
Such observances are indispensable, even between the nearest friends.
A gentleman when calling upon a lady, and finding that one of her lady
friends is with her, must rise when the visitor takes her leave, and
accompany her to the hall door; or if she has a carriage, he should hand
her into it--supposing, however, that no gentleman related to the
mistress of the house be present. If your visit has been of sufficient
length, you can take your leave when accompanying the lady out of the
room.
It happens occasionally that two persons are visiting different members
of the same family. When this occurs, and one visitor takes leave, the
lady or gentleman whose visitor has just left should remain in the
drawing-room. It is considered discourteous to do otherwise.
In most families in this country, evening calls are the most usual.
Should you chance to visit a family, and find that they have a party,
present yourself, and converse for a few minutes with an unembarrassed
air; after which you may retire, unless urged to remain. A slight
invitation, given for the sake of courtesy, ought not to be accepted.
Make no apology for your unintentional intrusion; but let it be known,
in the course of a few days, that you were not aware that your friends
had company.
An excellent custom prevails in some families of inviting their guests
for a given period. Thus, for example, an invitation is sent, stating
that a friend's company is requested on a certain day, mentioning also
for what length of time, and if a carriage cannot be offered to meet the
visitor, stating expressly the best mode of coming and going. We
recommend this admirable plan to the master and mistress of every
dwelling which is sufficiently capacious to admit of receiving an
occasional guest. A young lady is perhaps invited to spend a little time
in the country, but she cannot possibly understand whether the
invitation extends to a few days, or a week, or a month, and
consequently is much puzzled with regard to the arrangement of her
wardrobe. Domestic consultations are held; the letter is read over and
over again; every one gives a different opinion, and when the visit is
entered upon, somewhat of its pleasure is marred through the
embarrassment occasioned by not knowing when to propose taking leave.
In receiving guests, your first object should be to make them feel at
home. Begging them to make themselves at home is not sufficient. You
should display a genuine unaffected friendliness. Whether you are
mistress of a mansion or a cottage, and invite a friend to share your
hospitality, you must endeavor, by every possible means, to render the
visit agreeable. This should be done without apparent effort, that the
visitor may feel herself to be a partaker in your home enjoyments,
instead of finding that you put yourself out of the way to procure
extraneous pleasures. It is right and proper that you seek to make the
time pass lightly; but if, on the other hand, you let a visitor perceive
that the whole tenor of your daily concerns is altered on her account, a
degree of depression will be felt, and the pleasant anticipations which
she most probably entertained will fail to be realized. Let your friend
be assured, from your manner, that her presence is a real enjoyment to
you--an incentive to recreations which otherwise would not be thought of
in the common routine of life. Observe your own feelings when you happen
to be the guest of a person who, though he may be very much your friend,
and really glad to see you, seems not to know what to do either with you
or himself; and again, when in the house of another you feel as much at
ease as in your own. Mark the difference, more easily felt than
described, between the manners of the two, and deduce therefrom a lesson
for your own improvement.
If you have guests in your house, you are to appear to feel that they
are all equal for the time, for they all have an equal claim upon your
courtesies. Those of the humblest condition will receive _full as much
attention_ as the rest, in order that you shall not painfully make them
feel their inferiority.
Always avoid the foolish practice of deprecating your own rooms,
furniture, or viands, and expressing regrets that you have nothing
better to offer. Neither should you go to the other extreme of extolling
any particular thing or article of food. The best way is to say nothing
about these matters. Neither is it proper to urge guests to eat, or to
load their plates against their inclinations.
Endeavor to retain your friends as long as they like to prolong their
visit. When they intimate an intention to leave you, if you really
desire their continuance somewhat longer, frankly say so. Should they,
however, have fixed the time, and cannot prolong their stay, facilitate
their going by every means in your power; and, while you kindly invite
them to renew their visit, point out to them any places of interest on
the road, and furnish such information as you possess.
If invited to spend a few days at a friend's house, conform as much as
possible to the habits of the family. When parting for the night,
inquire respecting the breakfast hour, and ascertain at what time the
family meet for prayers. If this right custom prevails, be sure to be in
time; and obtain any necessary information from the servant who waits
upon you. Give as little trouble as possible; and never think of
apologizing for the extra trouble which your visit occasions. Such an
apology implies that your friend cannot conveniently entertain you. Your
own good sense and delicacy will teach you the desirability of keeping
your room tidy, and your articles of dress and toilet as much in order
as possible. If there is a deficiency of servants, a lady will certainly
not hesitate to make her own bed and to do for herself as much as
possible, and for the family all that is in her power.
We presume that few people will leave a friend's house without some
expression of regret, and some acknowledgment proffered for the pleasure
that has been afforded them. Instances to the contrary have come within
our knowledge, and therefore we remind our youthful readers especially,
that this small act of politeness is indispensable, not in the form of a
set speech, but by a natural flowing forth of right feeling. It is also
proper, on returning home, to inform your friends of your safe arrival;
the sense which you entertain of their hospitality, and the
gratification derived from your visit, may be also gracefully alluded
to.
The chain which binds society together is formed of innumerable links.
Let it be your part to keep those links uniformly bright; and to see
that neither dust nor rust accumulate upon them.
STREET ETIQUETTE.
The books of etiquette tell you, that if you have been introduced to a
lady and you afterward meet her in the street, you must not bow to her
unless she bow first, in order, as the books say, that she may have an
opportunity to cut you if she does not wish to continue the
acquaintance. This is the English fashion. But on the continent of
Europe the rule is reversed, and no lady, however intimate you may be
with her, will acknowledge you in the street unless you first honor her
with a bow of recognition. But the American fashion is not like either
of them. For here the really well-bred man always politely and
respectfully bows to every lady he knows, and, if she is a well-bred
woman, she acknowledges the respect paid her. If she expects no further
acquaintance, her bow is a mere formal, but _always respectful_,
recognition of the good manners which have been shown her, and no
gentleman ever takes advantage of such politeness to push a further
acquaintance uninvited. But why should a lady and gentleman, who know
who each other are, scornfully and doggedly pass each other in the
streets as though they were enemies? There is no good reason for such
_impoliteness_, in the practice of politeness. As compared with the
English, the French or continental fashion is certainly more consonant
with the rules of good breeding. But the American rule is better than
either, for it is based upon the acknowledged general principle, that it
is every gentleman's and lady's duty to be polite in all places. Unless
parties have done something to forfeit the respect dictated by the
common rules of politeness, there should be no deviation from this
practice. It is a ridiculous idea that we are to practice ill-manners in
the name of etiquette.
While walking the street no one should be so absent-minded as to neglect
to recognize his friends. If you do not stop, you should always bow,
touch your hat, or bid your friend good day. If you stop, you can offer
your hand without removing your glove. If you stop to talk, retire on
one side of the walk. If your friend has a stranger with him and you
have anything to say, you should apologize to the stranger. Never leave
your friend abruptly to see another person without asking him to excuse
your departure. If you meet a gentleman of your acquaintance walking
with a lady whom you do not know, lift your hat as you salute them. If
you know the lady, you should salute her first.
Never _nod_ to a lady in the street, neither be satisfied with touching
your hat, _but take it off_--it is a courtesy her sex demands.
A gentleman should never omit a punctilious observance of the rules of
politeness to his recognized acquaintances, from an apprehension that he
will not be met with reciprocal marks of respect. For instance, he
should not refuse to raise his hat to an acquaintance who is accompanied
by a lady, lest her escort should, from ignorance or stolidity, return
his polite salutation with a nod of the head. It is better not to see
him, than to set the example of a rude and indecorous salutation. In all
such cases, and in all cases, he who is most courteous has the
advantage, and should never feel that he has made a humiliating
sacrifice of his personal dignity. It is for the party whose behavior
has been boorish to have a consciousness of inferiority.
A gentleman meeting a lady acquaintance on the street, should not
presume to join her in her walk without ascertaining that his company
would be entirely agreeable. It might be otherwise, and she should
frankly say so. A married lady usually leans upon the arm of her
husband; but single ladies do not, in the day, take the arm of a
gentleman, unless they are willing to acknowledge an engagement.
Gentlemen always give place to ladies, and gentlemen accompanying
ladies, in crossing the street.
If you have anything to say to a lady whom you may happen to meet in the
street, however intimate you may be, do not stop her, but turn round and
walk in company; you can take leave at the end of the street.
When you are passing in the street, and see coming toward you a person
of your acquaintance, whether a lady or an elderly person, you should
offer them the wall, that is to say, the side next the houses. If a
carriage should happen to stop in such a manner as to leave only a
narrow passage between it and the houses, beware of elbowing and rudely
crowding the passengers, with a view to get by more expeditiously; wait
your turn, and if any of the persons before mentioned come up, you
should edge up to the wall, in order to give them the place. They also,
as they pass, should bow politely to you.
If stormy weather has made it necessary to lay a plank across the
gutter, which has become suddenly filled with water, it is not proper
to crowd before another, in order to pass over the frail bridge.
In walking with a lady, it is customary to give her the right arm; but
where circumstances render it more convenient to give her the left, it
may properly be done. If you are walking with a lady on a crowded street
like Broadway, by all means give her the outside, as that will prevent
her from being perpetually jostled and run against by the hurrying
crowd.
You should offer your arm to a lady with whom you are walking whenever
her safety, comfort, or convenience may seem to require such attention
on your part. At night your arm should always be tendered, and also when
ascending the steps of a public building. In walking with any person you
should keep step with military precision, and with ladies and elderly
people you should always accommodate your speed to theirs.
If a lady with whom you are walking receives the salute of a person who
is a stranger to you, you should return it, not for yourself, but for
her.
When a lady whom you accompany wishes to enter a store, you should hold
the door open and allow her to enter first, if practicable; for you must
never pass before a lady anywhere, if you can avoid it, or without an
apology.
In England, it is a mark of low breeding to smoke in the streets. But in
America the rule does not hold to quite that extent; though, even here,
it is not often that you catch "a gentleman of the strictest sect," in
the street with a cigar or pipe in his mouth. For a man to go into the
street with a lady on his arm and a cigar in his mouth is a shocking
sight, which no gentleman will ever be guilty of exhibiting; for he
inevitably subjects the woman to the very worst of suspicions.
Avoid the disgusting habit of spitting.
No gentleman will stand in the doors of hotels, nor on the corners of
the streets, gazing impertinently at the ladies as they pass. That is
such an unmistakable sign of a loafer, that one can hardly imagine a
well-bred man doing such a thing.
Never offer to shake hands with a lady in the street if you have on dark
gloves, as you may soil her white ones. If you meet a lady friend with
whom you wish to converse, you must not stop, but turn and walk along
with her; and should she be walking with a gentleman, first assure
yourself that you are not intruding before you attempt to join the two
in their walk.
After twilight, a young lady would not be conducting herself in a
becoming manner, by walking alone; and if she passes the evening with
any one, she ought, beforehand, to provide some one to come for her at a
stated hour; but if this is not practicable, she should politely ask of
the person whom she is visiting, to permit a servant to accompany her.
But, however much this may be considered proper, and consequently an
obligation, a married lady, well educated, will disregard it if
circumstances prevent her being able, without trouble, to find a
conductor.
If the host wishes to accompany you himself, you must excuse yourself
politely for giving him so much trouble, but finish, however, by
accepting. On arriving at your house, you should offer him your thanks.
In order to avoid these two inconveniences, it will be well to request
your husband, or some one of your relatives, to come and wait upon you;
you will, in this way, avoid all inconveniences, and be entirely free
from that harsh criticism which is sometimes indulged in, especially in
small towns, concerning even the most innocent acts.
If, when on your way to fulfill an engagement, a friend stops you in the
street, you may, without committing any breach of etiquette, tell him of
your appointment, and release yourself from a long talk, but do so in a
courteous manner, expressing regret for the necessity.
In inquiring for goods at a shop or store, do not say, I want so and so,
but say to the shopman--Show me such or such an article, if you
please--or use some other polite form of address. If you are obliged to
examine a number of articles before you are suited, apologize to the
shopkeeper for the trouble you give him. If, after all, you cannot suit
yourself, renew your apologies when you go away. If you make only small
purchases, say to him--I am sorry for having troubled you for so
trifling a thing.
You need not stop to pull off your glove to shake hands with a lady or
gentleman. If it is warm weather it is more agreeable to both parties
that the glove should be on--especially if it is a lady with whom you
shake hands, as the perspiration of your bare hand would be very likely
to soil her glove.
If a lady addresses an inquiry to a gentleman on the street, he will
lift his hat, or at least touch it respectfully, as he replies. If he
cannot give the information required, he will express his regrets.
When tripping over the pavement, a lady should gracefully raise her
dress a little above her ankle. With her right hand she should hold
together the folds of her gown and draw them toward the right side. To
raise the dress on both sides, and with both hands, is vulgar. This
ungraceful practice can be tolerated only for a moment when the mud is
very deep.
Most American ladies in our cities wear too rich and expensive dresses
in the street. Some, indeed, will sweep the side-walks with costly
stuffs only fit for a drawing-room or a carriage. This is in bad taste,
and is what ill-natured people would term snobbish.
TRAVELING.
As a general rule, travelers are selfish. They pay little attention
either to the comforts or distresses of their fellow-travelers; and the
commonest observances of politeness are often sadly neglected by them.
In the scramble for tickets, for seats, for state-rooms, or for places
at a public table, the courtesies of life seem to be trampled under
foot. Even the ladies are sometimes rudely treated and shamefully
neglected in the headlong rush for desirable seats in the railway cars.
To see the behavior of American people on their travels, one would
suppose that we were anything but a refined nation; and I have often
wondered whether a majority of our travelers could really make a decent
appearance in social society.
When you are traveling, it is no excuse that because others outrage
decency and propriety you should follow their example, and fight them
with their own weapons. A rush and scramble at the railway ticket office
is always unnecessary. The cars will not leave until every passenger is
aboard, and if you have ladies with you, you can easily secure your
seats and afterward procure the tickets at leisure. But suppose you do
lose a favorite seat by your moderation! Is it not better to suffer a
little inconvenience than to show yourself decidedly vulgar? Go to the
cars half an hour before they start, and you will avoid all trouble of
this kind.