house to advance each time toward the door, but merely to rise from her
seat to receive their courtesies and congratulations. If, indeed, the
hostess wishes to show particular favor to some peculiarly honored
guests, she may introduce them to others, whose acquaintance she may
imagine will be especially suitable and agreeable.
It is very often the practice of the gentleman of the house to introduce
one gentleman to another, but occasionally the lady performs this
office; when it will, of course, be polite for the persons thus
introduced to take their seats together for the time being.
When entering a private ball or party, the visitor should invariably bow
to the company. No well-bred person would omit this courtesy in entering
a drawing-room; and although the entrance to a large assembly may be
unnoticed by all present, its observance is not the less necessary. It
is the thoughtless absence of good manners in large and mixed companies,
where a greater degree of studied politeness is indispensable, that
renders them sometimes so unpleasant.
A separate room or convenient buffet should be appropriated for
refreshments, and to which the dancers may retire; and cakes and
biscuits, with lemonade, handed round.
Of course a supper is provided at all private parties; and this
requires, on the part of the hostess, a great deal of attention and
supervision. It usually takes place between the first and second parts
of the programme of the dances, of which there should be several
prettily written or printed copies distributed about the room.
It will be well for the hostess, even if she be very partial to the
amusement, and a graceful dancer, not to participate in it to any great
extent, lest her lady guests should have occasion to complain of her
monopoly of the gentlemen, and other causes of neglect.
A few dances will suffice to show her interest in the entertainment,
without unduly trenching on the attention due to her guests.
The hostess or host, during the progress of a party, will courteously
accost and chat with their friends, and take care that the ladies are
furnished with seats, and that those who wish to dance are provided with
partners. A gentle hint from the hostess, conveyed in a quiet ladylike
manner, that certain ladies have remained unengaged during several
dances, is sure not to be neglected by any gentleman. Thus will be
studied the comfort and enjoyment of the guests, and no lady, in leaving
the house, will be able to feel the chagrin and disappointment of not
having been invited to "stand up" in a dance during the whole evening.
For any of the members, either sons or daughters, of the family at whose
house the party is given, to dance frequently or constantly, denotes
decided ill-breeding. The ladies of the house should not occupy those
places in a quadrille which others may wish to fill, and they should,
moreover, be at leisure to attend to the rest of the company; and the
gentlemen should be entertaining the married ladies and those who do not
dance.
In private parties, a lady is not to refuse the invitation of a
gentleman to dance, unless she be previously engaged. The hostess must
be supposed to have asked to her house only those persons whom she knows
to be perfectly respectable and of unblemished character, as well as
pretty equal in position; and thus, to decline the offer of any
gentleman present, would be a tacit reflection on the gentleman or lady
of the house.
If one lady refuses you, do not ask another who is seated near her to
dance the same set. Do not go immediately to another lady, but chat a
few moments with the one whom you first invited, and then join a group
or gentlemen friends for a few moments, before seeking another partner.
In private parties, where dancing is the chief part of the evening's
entertainment, it is not in conformity with the rules of etiquette for a
young lady to dance with one gentleman repeatedly, to the exclusion of
all others who may solicit her hand, even though the favored individual
be her suitor. However complimentary to the lady, to be the recipient of
a gentleman's undivided attentions, or however gratifying it may be for
him to manifest his devotion to the lady of his choice, such a course is
an exhibition of selfishness which ought not to be displayed in an
assemblage of ladies and gentlemen who have congregated for mutual
enjoyment.
It is not considered _comme il faut_ to ask a married lady to dance,
when her husband is present, without previously ascertaining whether it
be agreeable to him.
Gentlemen will not get together in groups to the neglect of the ladies.
The members of an invited family should never be seen conversing with
each other at a party.
If you accompany your wife to a dancing party, be careful not to dance
with her, except perhaps the first set.
Where there are no programmes, engagements should not be made until the
dance is announced.
When the dance is over, the gentleman conducts his partner to her seat;
and, unless he chooses to sit beside her, bows and withdraws.
While dancing, a lady should consider herself engaged to her partner,
and therefore not at liberty to hold a flirtation, between the figures,
with another gentleman; and should recollect that it is the gentleman's
part to lead her, and hers to follow his directions.
In a circle, we should not pass before a lady; neither should we present
anything by extending the arm over her, but pass round behind and
present it. In case we cannot do it, we say, _I ask your pardon, etc_.
In ascending a staircase with ladies, go at their side or before them.
A correct ear for music does not pertain to every one, and those who are
deficient in this respect should refrain from dancing. Let not the
unpracticed dancer attempt quadrilles. A novice necessarily perplexes
and annoys a partner. On the other hand, nowhere perhaps has a kindly
disposition more pleasing opportunities of conferring small benefits
than in a ball-room. Those who are expert in dancing may gently apprise
the unskillful of an error, and this without giving the slightest
offense, or seeming to dictate; while such as dance well, and are
solicited to dance, should carefully avoid speaking of it. They ought
rather to seek to contribute to less fortunate persons a full share in
the evening's amusement. A lady may do this by gently hinting to a
gentleman who solicits her hand for another dance, that such a lady has
remained unengaged. No gentleman will neglect such a suggestion.
There is a custom which is sometimes practiced both in the assembly room
and at private parties, which cannot be too strongly reprehended; we
allude to the habit of ridicule and ungenerous criticism of those who
are ungraceful or otherwise obnoxious to censure, which is indulged in
by the thoughtless, particularly among the dancers. Of its gross
impropriety and vulgarity we need hardly express an opinion; but there
is such an utter disregard for the feelings of others implied in this
kind of negative censorship, that we cannot forbear to warn our young
readers to avoid it. The "Koran" says: "Do not mock--the mocked may be
better than the mocker." Those you condemn may not have had the same
advantages as yourself in acquiring grace or dignity, while they may be
infinitely superior in purity of heart and mental accomplishments. The
advice of Chesterfield to his son, in his commerce with society, to _do
as you would be done by_, is founded on the Christian precept, and
worthy of commendation. Imagine yourself the victim of another's
ridicule, and you will cease to indulge in a pastime which only gains
for you the hatred of those you satirize, if they chance to observe you,
and the contempt of others who have noticed your violation of
politeness, and abuse of true sociality.
We conclude our strictures on this subject with the following passage
from the essays of Addison: "But what an absurd thing it is, to pass
over all the valuable characteristics of individuals, and fix our
attention on their infirmities--to observe their imperfections more than
their virtues--and to make use of them for the sport of others, rather
than for our own improvement."
In whatever relation with the fair sex, and under whatsoever
circumstances, it is the duty--we may add, the practice--of a gentleman
to so deport himself as to avoid giving any cause of offense.
In private parties, where people meet for the pleasure of conversation,
remember occasionally to change your place. Opportunities will readily
occur, such, for instance, as the opening of a portfolio of prints, or
the showing of any article of taste or science. You will thus avoid the
awkwardness of being either left alone, or constraining the master or
mistress of the house to commiserate your isolated condition.
If you are asked by the lady of the house, at an evening party, to sing,
and you can really do so well, comply at once; but never sing at the
request of another person. If you cannot or do not choose to sing, say
so at once with seriousness and gravity, and put an end to the
expectation promptly. After singing once or twice, cease and give place
to others.
When singing or playing is going on, if you have no taste for music, you
should still be profoundly silent. To converse, is annoying to the rest
of the company, rude to the mistress of the house, and cruel to the
performer.
Carefully avoid all peculiarities of manner; and every wish to show off,
or to absorb conversation to yourself. Be also very careful not to
appear to be wiser than the company. If a fact in history is mentioned,
even if it be not quite correct, do not set the narrator right, unless
in a very delicate and submissive manner. If an engraving of distant
scenery or foreign buildings is shown, do not industriously point out
inaccuracies. It may be that such occur, but finding fault is never
acceptable; it conveys a censure on the taste or information of the
possessor; or it suggests that he has been imposed upon--an idea which
is always productive of mortification. Such attempts to appear wiser
than the rest of the company, interfere with the pleasure of the party,
and the person who falls into them is never long acceptable.
People sometimes say, that they are not invited to parties; they
complain of neglect, and are out of humor with the world. Let such
persons consider whether they have not brought upon themselves the
neglect which they deplore.
Should the guests be numerous, and the space scarcely sufficient for
their accommodation, it would be considered extremely ill-bred to take a
place previously engaged; or, when joining a country dance, to push in
at the middle or upper end. You must take your station below the last
couple who are standing up.
If there be a supper, the gentleman should conduct to the supper-room
his last partner, unless he have a prior engagement, or is asked by the
host to do otherwise. In the latter case, he should provide his partner
with a substitute, at the same time making a handsome apology.
No gentleman should offer his services to conduct a lady home, without
being acquainted with her, unless he have been requested so to do by the
host.
When any of the carriages of the guests are announced, or the time for
their departure arrived, they should make a slight intimation to the
hostess, without, however, exciting any observation, that they are about
to depart. If this cannot be done without creating too much bustle, it
will be better for the visitors to retire quietly without saying
good-night, for when people are seen to be leaving, it often breaks up
the party. An opportunity, however, may previously be sought of
intimating to the hostess your intention to retire, which is more
respectful.
During the course of the week, the hostess will expect to receive from
every guest a call, where it is possible, or cards expressing the
gratification experienced from her entertainment. This attention is due
to every lady for the pains and trouble she has been at, and tends to
promote social, kindly feelings.
VISITING.
Next in order to the ceremonials of dinner or evening parties, are
customary calls, comprised under the general head of visiting. They are
those of ceremony, friendship, or condolence, and occupy no small
portion of time.
Such visits are necessary, in order to maintain good feeling between the
members of society; they are required by the custom of the age in which
we live, and must be carefully attended to.
First, then, are visits of ceremony, merging occasionally into those of
friendship, but uniformly required after dining at a friend's house.
Professional men are not however, in general, expected to pay such
visits, because their time is preoccupied; but they form almost the only
exception.
Visits of ceremony must be necessarily short. They should on no account
be made before the hour, nor yet during the time of luncheon. Persons
who intrude themselves at unwonted hours are never welcome; the lady of
the house does not like to be disturbed when she is perhaps dining with
her children; and the servants justly complain of being interrupted at
the hour when they assemble for their noon-day meal. Ascertain,
therefore, which you can readily do, what is the family hour for
luncheon, and act accordingly.
Half an hour amply suffices for a visit of ceremony. If the visitor be a
lady, she may remove her victorine, but on no account either the shawl
or bonnet, even if politely requested to do so by the mistress of the
house. Some trouble is necessarily required in replacing them, and this
ought to be avoided. If, however, your visit of ceremony is to a
particular friend, the case is different; but even then, it is best to
wait till you are invited to do so; and when you rise for the purpose
the lady of the house will assist you.
Favorite dogs are never welcome visitors in a drawing-room. Many people
have even a dislike to such animals. They require watching, lest they
should leap upon a chair or sofa, or place themselves upon a lady's
dress, and attentions of this kind are much out of place. Neither ought
a mother, when paying a ceremonial visit, to be accompanied by young
children. It is frequently difficult to amuse them, and, if not
particularly well trained at home, they naturally seize hold of books,
or those ornaments with which it is fashionable to decorate a
drawing-room. The lady of the house trembles for the fate of a beautiful
shell, or vase, or costly book. She does not like to express her
uneasiness, and yet knows not how to refrain. Therefore leave the
children at home; or, if they accompany you in the carriage, let them
remain till your visit is over. If you have an infant, the nurse may
await your return, or be left in an ante-room, unless a decided request
be made to the contrary.
If during your short visit the conversation begins to flag, it will be
best to retire. The lady of the house may have some engagement at a
fixed hour, and by remaining even a few minutes longer, she may be put
to serious inconvenience. Do not, however, seem to notice any silent
hint, by rising hastily; but take leave with quiet politeness, as if
your time were fully expired. When other visitors are announced, retire
as soon as possible, and yet without letting it appear that their
arrival is the cause. Wait till the bustle of their entrance is over,
and then rise from your chair, take leave of the hostess, and bow
politely to the guests. By so doing you will save the lady of the house
from being obliged to entertain two sets of visitors.
Should you call by chance at an inconvenient hour, when perhaps the lady
is going out, or sitting down to luncheon, retire as soon as possible,
even if politely asked to remain. You need not let it appear that you
feel yourself an intruder; every well-bred or even good-tempered person
knows what to say on such an occasion; but politely withdraw, with a
promise to call again, if the lady seems to be really disappointed.
If your acquaintance or friend is from home, leave a card,[1] whether
you call in a carriage or not. If in the latter, the servant will answer
your inquiry, and receive your card; but on no account ask leave to go
in and rest; neither urge your wish if you fancy that the lady whom you
desire to see is really at home, or even if you flatter yourself that
she would make an exception in your favor. Some people think that the
form of words, "Not at home," is readily understood to mean that the
master or mistress of the house have no wish to see even his or her most
intimate friends. However this may be, take care that you do not attempt
to effect an entrance.
[1] When the caller is about to leave the city for a protracted
absence, it is usual to put the letters P. P. C. in the left
hand corner of the card; they are the initials of the French
phrase, "_pour prendre conge_"--to take leave, and may with
equal propriety stand for _presents parting compliments_.
Visits of courtesy or ceremony are uniformly paid at Christmas, or at
the commencement of a new year, independently of family parties; a good
old custom, the observance of which is always pleasing, and which should
be carefully attended to. It is uniformly right to call on patrons, or
those from whom kindness has been received.
In visiting your intimate friends, ceremony may generally be dispensed
with.
Keep a strict account of your ceremonial visits. This is needful,
because time passes rapidly; and take note how soon your calls are
returned. You will thus be able, in most cases, to form an opinion
whether or not your frequent visits are desired. Instances may however
occur, when, in consequence of age or ill health, it is desirable that
you should call, without any reference to your visits being returned.
When desirous to act thus, remember that, if possible, nothing should
interrupt the discharge of this duty.
Among relations and intimate friends, visits of mere ceremony are
unnecessary. It is, however, needful to call at suitable times, and to
avoid staying too long if your friend is engaged. The courtesies of
society, as already noticed, must ever be maintained, even in the
domestic circle, or among the nearest friends.
In leaving cards you must thus distribute them: one for the lady of the
house and her daughters--the latter are sometimes represented by turning
up the edge of the card--one for the master of the house, and if there
be a grown up son or a near male relation staying in the house, one for
him. But though cards are cheap, you must never leave more than three at
a time at the same house. As married men have, or are supposed to have,
too much to do to make ceremonial calls, it is the custom for a wife to
take her husband's cards with her and to leave one or two of them with
her own. If, on your inquiring for the lady of the house, the servant
replies, "Mrs. So-and-so is not at home, but Miss So-and-so is," you
should leave a card, because young ladies do not receive calls from
gentlemen unless they are very intimate with them, or have passed the
rubicon of thirty summers. It must be remembered, too, that where there
is a lady of the house, your call is to her, not to her husband, except
on business.
Morning calls may be divided into three heads: Those paid at the time
already specified; weekly visits to intimate friends, or by young
persons to those advanced in life; and monthly visits, which are
generally ceremonious.
With respect to the first, be very careful that you do not acquire the
character of a _day goblin_. A day goblin is one of those persons who,
having plenty of leisure, and a great desire to hear themselves talk,
make frequent inroads into their friends' houses. Though perhaps well
acquainted with the rules of etiquette, they call at the most
unseasonable hours. If the habits of the family are early, you will find
them in the drawing-room at eleven o'clock. It may be they are agreeable
and well-informed people; but who wishes for calls at such a strange
hour! Most families have their rules and occupations. In one, the lady
of the house attends to the education of her children; in another,
domestic affairs engross a portion of the morning; some ladies are fond
of gardening, others of music or painting. It is past endurance to have
such pursuits broken in upon for the sake of a day goblin, who, having
gained access, inflicts his or her presence till nearly luncheon time,
and then goes off with saying, "Well, I have paid you a long visit;" or
"I hope that I have not stayed too long."
A well-bred person always receives visitors at whatever time they may
call, or whoever they may be; but if you are occupied and cannot afford
to be interrupted by a mere ceremony, you should instruct the servant
_beforehand_ to say that you are "not at home." This form has often been
denounced as a falsehood, but a lie is no lie unless intended to
deceive; and since the words are universally understood to mean that you
are engaged, it can be no harm to give such an order to a servant. But,
on the other hand, if the servant once admits a visitor within the
hall, you should receive him at any inconvenience to yourself. A lady
should never keep a visitor waiting more than a minute, or two at the
most, and if she cannot avoid doing so, must apologize on entering the
drawing-room.
In good society, a visitor, unless he is a complete stranger, does not
wait to be invited to sit down, but takes a seat at once easily. A
gentleman should never take the principal place in the room, nor, on the
other hand, sit at an inconvenient distance from the lady of the house.
He must hold his hat gracefully, not put it on a chair or table, or, if
he wants to use both hands, must place it on the floor close to his
chair. A well-bred lady, who is receiving two or three visitors at a
time, pays equal attention to all, and attempts, as much as possible, to
generalize the conversation, turning to all in succession. The last
arrival, however, receives a little more attention at first than the
others, and the latter, to spare her embarrasment, should leave as soon
as convenient. People who out-sit two or three parties of visitors,
unless they have some particular motive for doing so, come under the
denomination of "bores." A "bore" is a person who does not know when you
have had enough of his or her company.
Be cautious how you take an intimate friend _uninvited_ even to the
house of those with whom you may be equally intimate, as there is always
a feeling of jealousy that another should share your thoughts and
feelings to the same extent as themselves, although good breeding will
induce them to behave _civilly_ to your friend on your account.
Ladies in the present day are allowed considerable license in paying and
receiving visits; subject, however, to certain rules, which it is
needful to define.
Young married ladies may visit their acquaintances alone; but they may
not appear in any public places unattended by their husbands or elder
ladies. This rule must never be infringed, whether as regards
exhibitions, or public libraries, museums, or promenades; but a young
married lady is at liberty to walk with her friends of the same age,
whether married or single. Gentlemen are permitted to call on married
ladies at their own houses. Such calls the usages of society permit, but
never without the knowledge and full permission of husbands.
Ladies may walk unattended in the streets, being careful to pass on as
becomes their station--neither with a hurried pace, nor yet affecting to
move slowly. Shop-windows, in New York especially, afford great
attractions; but it is by no means desirable to be seen standing before
them, and most assuredly not alone. Be careful never to look back, nor
to observe too narrowly the dresses of such ladies as may pass you.
Should any one venture to address you, take no heed, seem not to hear,
but hasten your steps. Be careful to reach home in good time. Let
nothing ever induce you to be out after dusk, or when the lamps are
lighted. Nothing but unavoidable necessity can sanction such acts of
impropriety.