"While I was yet a servant we liv'd in a narrow lane, now the house of
Gavilla: There, as the gods would have it, I fell in love with
Tarentius's wife; he kept an eating-house. Ye all knew Melissa
Tarentina, a pretty little punching-block, and withal beautiful; but
(so help me Hercules) I minded her not so much for the matter of the
point of that, as that she was good-humour'd; if I asked her any
thing, she never deny'd me; and what money I had, I trusted her with
it; nor did she ever fail me when I'd occasion. It so happened, that
a she-companion of hers had dy'd in the country, and she was gone
thither; how to come at her I could not tell; but a friend is seen at
a dead lift; it also happened my master was gone to Capua to dispatch
somewhat or other: I laid hold of the opportunity, and persuaded mine
host to take an evenings walk of four or five miles out of town, for
he was a stout fellow, and as bold as a devil: The moon shone as
bright as day, and about cock-crowing we fell in with a burying-place,
and certain monument of the dead: my man loitered behind me
a-star-gazing, and I sitting expecting him, fell a singing and
numbering them; when looking round me, what should I see but mine host
stript stark-naked, and his cloaths lying by the high-wayside. The
sight struck me every where, and I stood as if I had been dead; but he
piss'd round his cloaths, and of a sudden was turned to a wolf: Don't
think I jest; I value no man's estate at that rate, as to tell a lye.
But as I was saying, after he was turned to a wolf, he set up a howl,
and fled to the woods. At first I knew not where I was, till going to
take up his cloaths, I found them also turn'd to stone. Another man
would have dy'd for fear, but I drew my sword, and slaying all the
ghosts that came in my way, lighted at last on the place where my
mistress was: I entered the first door; my eyes were sunk in my head,
the sweat ran off me by more streams than one, and I was just
breathing my last, without thought of recovery; when my Melissa coming
up to me, began to wonder why I'd be walking so late; and 'if,' said
she, 'you had come a little sooner, you might have done us a kindness;
for a wolf came into the farm, and has made butchers work enough among
the cattle; but tho' he got off, he has no reason to laugh, for a
servant of ours ran him through the neck with a pitchfork.' As soon as
I heard her, I could not hold open my eyes any longer, and ran home by
daylight, like a vintner whose house had been robb'd: But coming by
the place where the cloaths were turned to stone, I saw nothing but a
puddle of blood; and when I got home, found mine host lying a-bed like
an oxe in his stall, and a chirurgeon dressing his neck. I understood
afterwards he was a fellow that could change his skin; but from that
day forward, could never eat a bit of bread with him, no, if you'd
have kill'd me. Let them that don't believe me, examine the truth of
it; may your good angels plague me as I tell ye a lye."
The company were all wondring, when, "Saving what you have said,"
quoth Trimalchio, "if there be faith in man, my hair stands on end,
because I know Niceros is no trifler; he's sure of what he says, and
not given to talking: Nay, I'll tell ye as horrible a thing my self;
but see there, what's that behind the hangings?
"When I was yet a long-hair'd boy, for even then I liv'd a pleasant
life, I had a minion, and he dy'd: He was (so help me Hercules) a
pearl, a paragon, nay perfection it self: But when the poor mother
lamented him, and we also were doing the same, some witches got round
the house on a sudden, you'd have taken them for hounds hunting a
hare. We had then in the house a Cappadocian, a tall fellow, stout
and hardy, that would not have stept an inch out of his way for
Jupiter. He boldly drew his sword, and wrapping his coat about his
left arm, leaped out of the house, and as it might be here, (no hurt
to the thing I touch) ran a woman clean through. We heard a pitiful
groan, but not to lye, saw none of them. Our champion came in and
threw himself on a bed, but all black and blue, so he had been trosh'd
with flails; for it seems some ill hand had touched him. We shut the
door, and went on with our mourning; but the mother taking her son in
her arms, and stroaking him, found nothing but a bolster of straw; it
had neither heart, entrals, nor any thing, for the fairies belike had
stollen him out of his cradle, and left that of straw instead of him.
Give me credit, I beseech ye, women are craftier than we are, play
their tricks by night, and turn every thing topsy-turvy. After this
our tall fellow never came to his colour again, but in a few days died
raving-mad."
We all wondred, as not doubting what he said, and kissing the table in
reverence to him, pray'd the privilege of the night, and that our
places might be kept till we returned.
And now we thought the lamps look'd double, and the whole room seem'd
quite another thing, when Trimalchio again, "I speak to you Plorimus,
won't you come in for a share? Will ye entertain us with nothing,
thou usedst to be a pleasant companion, couldst sing a song and tell a
tale with the best; but alas! alas! the sweetmeats are gone." "My
horses," said the other, "ran away with my coach, I have been troubled
with the gout ever since. When I was a young fellow, I sung so long I
had well nigh brought my self into a consumption. What do ye tell me
of songs, tales, or barber shops? Who ever came near me but one, only
Apelles;" and with setting his hand to his mouth, whistled out
somewhat, I know not what, which afterwards he swore was Greek.
Trimalchio also when he mimicked the trumpets, looked on his minion
and called him Crœsus: Yet the boy was blear-eye'd, and swathing up
a little black bitch with nasty teeth, and over-grown with fat, in
green swadlingclouts, he set half a loaf on the table, which she
refusing, he cram'd her with it: on which Trimalchio commanded the
guardian of his house and family, Scylax, to be brought; when
presently was led in a beautiful mastiff in a chain, who having a hint
given him by a knock of the porter's foot, lay down before the table:
whereupon Trimalchio throwing him a manchet; "There's no one," said
he, "in this house of mine, loves me better than this dog." The boy
taking it in dudgeon that Scylax should be so commended, laid the
bitch on the floor, and challenged the dog to have a rubber with him.
On this Scylax, after the manner of dogs, set up such a hideous
barking, that it fill'd the room; and snapping at him, almost rent off
a brooch that hung on Crœsus's breast; nor did the scuffle end
here, for the great candle being overturn'd on the table, broke all
the chrystal glasses, and threw the scalding oil on the guests.
Trimalchio, not to seem concerned at the loss, kissed the boy, and
commanded him to get on his back; nor was it long e're he was a
cock-horse, and slapping his masters shoulders, and laughing, cry'd
out, "Fool, fool, and how many of them have we here?"
Trimalchio thus kept under for a while, commanded a bumper to be
fill'd and given round to the waiters, with this further, that
whosoever refused it should have it poured down his collar. Thus one
while we were grave, and other while merry.
After this came junkets and made dishes, the very remembrance of
which, if I may be believed, will not yet down with me; for there were
several cram'd hens given about under the notion of thrushes, and
goose eggs with caps upon them; which Trimalchio, nor without
ostentation press'd us to eat; adding withal, that their bones were
taken out.
Nor were the words scarce out of his mouth, when a beadle rapp'd at
the door, and one in white, with a company of roisters following him,
came in upon us: For my part I was not a little surprized; and by his
lordliness taking him for the Mayor of a town, and our selves within
his liberties, was getting upon my feet. Agamemnon laught to see me
so concerned, and bade me sit still; "for," said he, "this Habinas is
a captain of horse, a good mason, and has a special faculty in making
monuments."
Recovered again with his words, I kept my seat, and wholly fix'd my
eye on Habinas: He came in drunk, and lolling on his wife's shoulders,
with some garlands about him, his face all trickling down with
ointment, he seated himself at the head of the table, and
incontinently called for wine and hot water.
Trimalchio was pleased with the humour, and calling for a bigger
glass, asked him what entertainment he had whence he came?
"Every thing," said the other, "but thy self; for my inclination was
here; tho' (so help me Hercules) it was all well. Scissa kept a
nine-days feast for his servant Miscellus, whom he infranchised after
he was dead: It is said he had a round sum in the chequer, for they
reckon he died worth 50,000 sesterces; yet this was all done in good
order; tho' every one of us were obliged to pour half his drink on the
grave."
"But," said Trimalchio, "what had ye to eat?" "I'll tell ye," quoth
Habinas, "as near as I can, for my memory is not so good, but that
sometimes I forget my own name: However, for the first dish we had a
goodly porker, with a garland upon him, and puddings, goose giblets,
lamb-stones, sweetbreads, and gizzards round him; there were also
beets and houshold-bread of his own baking, for himself, which I would
rather have than white; it makes a man strong, and I never complain of
what I like. The next was a cold tart, with excellent warm honey, and
that Spanish, running upon it. I eat little of the tart, but more of
the honey; I tasted also the red pulse, and lupines, by the advice of
Calvus, and several apples, of which I took away two in my
handkerchief: for if I bring home nothing to my little she slave, I
shall have snubs enough: this dame of mine puts me often in mind of
her. We had also on a side-table the haunch of a bear, which
Scintilla tasting ere she was aware, had like to have thrown up her
guts: I on the other hand eat a pound of it or better, for methought
it tasted like boars flesh; and said I, if a bear eats a man, why may
not a man much more eat a bear? To be short, we had cream cheese,
wine boil'd off to a third part, fry'd snails, chitterlings, livers,
eggs, turneps, mustard, and a bowl that held a gallon. Don't disturb
me, Palamedes; there were also handled about a basket of sugar-cakes,
of which we wantonly took some, and sent away the gammon of bacon.
But tell me Caius, I beseech you, what's the matter that Fortunata
sits not among us?" "How came you to know her?" quoth Trimalchio;
"for till she has gotten her plate together, and distributed what we
leave among the servants, not a sip of any thing goes into her mouth."
"But unless she sits down," replied Habinas, "I'll be gone"; and was
getting up, but that the word being four times given about for her,
she came at last in a greenish gown and a cherry-colour'd stomacher,
beneath which might be seen her petticoat and embroidered garters;
then wiping her hands on her neckcloth, she sate on that bed whereon
Scintilla the wife of Habinas was; and having given her a kiss, told
her it was in compliment to her that she was there. At length it came
to this, that she took off her weighty bracelets, and shewed them to
Scintilla, which she admiring, she also unbuckled her garters and a
net-work purse, which she said was of the finest gold.
Trimalchio observed it, and commanding all to be laid before him,
"See," said he, "this womans finery, and what fools our wives make us;
they should be six pound and a half; yet I've another of Mercury's
making, that weighs ten": And that he might not be thought to tell a
lye, called for his gold scales, and commanded them to be weighed: Nor
had Scintilla more wit than t'other, for pulling a golden box out of
her bosom, which she called good luck, she took out of it two large
pearl pendants, giving them in like manner to Fortunata to view:
"See," quoth she, "what 'tis to have a kind husband, I am sure no
woman has better." "What," said Habinas, "hast thou put the sham on
me? thou toldst me thou couldst be contented with glass beads; and for
this trick, if I had a daughter I'd cut off her ears; tho' were there
no women what were the rest worth? This is to piss warm and drink
cold."
Mean time the women perceiving they were toucht, twitter'd among
themselves, and being got drunk, fell to kissing one another; one
commended the mistress of the house, t'other the master: when during
this chatter, Habinas stealing behind Fortunata, gave her such a toss
on the bed, that her heels flew as high as her head, on which she gave
a squeak or two, and finding her thighs bare, ran her head under
Scintilla's smock.
This held a while, till Trimalchio calling for a second service to
entertain his new guests, the servants took away the tables that were
before us, and having brought others, strew'd the room with pin-dust,
mixt with vermillion and saffron; and what I never saw before, the
dust of a looking-glass ground to powder.
When immediately, quoth Trimalchio, "I could have been contented with
those first dishes; but since we have got other tables, we must also
have another service; and if there be any thing worth our having,
bring it."
On which, a spruce boy that served us with warm water, began to
imitate a nightingale; till Trimalchio giving the word, a servant that
waited on Habinas, set up another humour, and, as I believe, commanded
by his master, nois'd out;
"Mean time Æneas had put off to sea."
Nor was there ever a harsher sound yet pierced my ears; for besides
his disordered country tone, his pitiful and starvling way of
delivery, he so stufft it with scraps of verses, that even Virgil then
first disrelished me; till at last so tyr'd, that he could hold no
longer; "D'ye think," said Habinas, "this boy has learn'd nothing? I
bred him with juglers that follow the fair: Nor has he his fellow,
whether he humours a muliteer or a jester. This never-be-good has
abundance of wit; he's a taylor, a cook, a baker, a jack of all
trades, and but for two faults, were exact to a hair: He's
crack-brain'd, and snores in his sleep: For that cast of his eye I
value it not, he looks like Venus, and therefore his tongue is ever
running; and were that eye out he were worth the money I gave for
him."
On which Scintilla interrupting him, told him he was a naughty man,
for not telling all his servant's good qualities: "He's a pimp," said
he, "if not worse, but I'll take care he be branded for that."
Trimalchio laught, and said he knew he was a Cappadocian that never
beguiled himself of any thing, and "(so help me Hercules) I commend
him for 't: when will you find such another, but Scintilla, you must
not be jealous! Believe me, and I know you too; may I so enjoy the
health you wish me, as I play'd at leap-frog so long with our boy,
that my master grew jealous, and sent me to dig in the country: But
hold thy tongue and I'll give thee a loaf." I marvel," said I,
"whether they be all mash'd together or made of loam; for in a
Saturnal at Rome, my self saw the like imaginary shew of a supper."
Nor had I scarce said it, when--quoth Trimalchio, "Let me so grow in
estate, not bulk, as my cook made all of this out of one hog; there is
not an excellenter fellow than himself; he shall, if he please, make
ye a poll of ling of a sows tripe; a wood-culver of fat bacon; a
turtle of a spring of pork; and a hen of a collar of brawn; and
therefore of my own fancy, I gave him a name proper to him, for he is
called Dædalus: And because he understands his business, I had
chopping-knives of the best steel brought him from Rome"; and with
that, calling for them, he turn'd them over, and admiring them,
offered us the liberty of trying their edge on his cheek.
On this came in two servants as quarrelling about their collars, at
which each of them had a large earthen pot hanging; and when
Trimalchio determined the matter between them, neither of them stood
to his sentence, but fell to club-law, and broke each others pots.
This drunken presumption put us out of order; yet casting an eye on
the combatants, we saw oisters and scallops running from the pots, and
another boy receiving them in a charger, which he carried round the
guests.
Nor was the cook's ingenuity short of the rest, for he brought us a
dish of grill'd snails on a silver gridiron, and with a shrill
unpleasant voice, sang as he went. I am asham'd of what follow'd;
for, what was never heard of till then, the boys came in with a bason
of liquid perfumes, and first binding our legs, ancles and feet, with
garlands, anointed them with it, and put the rest into the wine vessel
and the lamps.
And now Fortunata began to dance, and Scintilla's hands went faster
than her tongue; when, quoth Trimalchio, "Sit down Philargyrus; I give
ye leave, and you Carrio, because you are a green-ribbon-man, and you
Minophilus bid your comrade do the like"; what shall I say more? The
family so crowded upon us, that we were almost thrust off our beds;
and who should be seated above me, but the cook who had made a goose
of a hog, all stinking of pickle and kitchen-stuff; nor yet content
that he sate amongst us, he fell immediately to personate Thespis the
tragedian, and dare his master to a wager which of them two should win
the prize next wrestling.
Trimalchio abash'd at the challenge; "My friends," said he, "even
servants are men; and however oppress'd by ill luck, sucked the same
milk our selves did; and for mine, it shall not be long e're I make
them free without prejudice to my self: to be short, I enfranchise all
of them by my last will and testament.
"I give Philargus a country farm, and his she-comrade; to Carrio an
island, with a twentieth part of my moveables, a bed and its
furniture; for I make Fortunata my heiress, whom I recommend to all my
friends, and publish what I have done, to the end my family may so
love me now, as if I were dead."
All thanked their master for his kindness; and he, as having forgotten
trifles, called for a copy of his will, which he read from one end to
the other, the family all the while sighing and sobbing; afterwards
turning to Habinas, "Tell me, my best of friends," said he, "do you go
on with my monument as I directed ye, I earnestly entreat ye, that at
the feet of my statue you carve me my little bitch, as also garlands
and ointments, and all the battles I have been in, that by your
kindness I may live when I am dead: Be sure too that it have an
hundred feet as it fronts the highway, and as it looks towards the
fields two hundred: I will also, that there be all sorts of fruit and
vines round my ashes, and that in great abundance: For it is a gross
mistake to furnish houses for the living, and take no care of those we
are to abide in for ever: And therefore in the first place, I will
have it engraven--
'LET NO HEIR OF MINE PRETEND TO THIS MONUMENT.'
"And that I may receive no injury after I am dead, I'll have a codicil
annext to my will, whereby I'll appoint one of my freed-men the keeper
of this monument, that the people make not a house-of-office of it.
Make me also, I beseech you, on this my monument, ships under full
sail, and my self in my robes sitting on the bench, with five gold
rings on my fingers, and scattering moneys among the common people;
for you know I have ordered ye a funeral feast, and two-pence a-piece
in money. You shall also, if you think fit, shape me some of these
beds we now sit on, and all the people making their court to me. On
my right hand place my Fortunata's statue, with a dove in one hand,
and leading a little dog in her girdle with the other: As also my
Cicero, and large wine vessels close cork'd that the wine don't run
out, and yet carve one of them as broken, and a boy weeping over it;
as also a sun-dial in the middle, that whoever comes to see
what's-a-clock, may read my name whether he will or no. And lastly,
have a special consideration whether you think this epitaph sufficient
enough:
'HERE RESTS CAIUS POMPEIUS TRIMALCHIO, PATRON OF THE LEARNED. A TROOP
OF HORSE WAS DECREED HIM, WITHOUT SUING FOR, AND MIGHT HAVE BEEN A
SENATOR WOULD HE HAVE ACCEPTED IT. A PIOUS MAN, HONEST, VALIANT, AND
TRUE TO HIS FRIEND. HE RAISED HIMSELF FROM LITTLE OR NOTHING, BUT
LEFT BEHIND HIM A PRODIGIOUS ESTATE, YET NEVER HEARD A PHILOSOPHER.
FAREWELL TO YOU ALSO.'"
This said, Trimalchio wept plentifully, Fortunata wept, Habinas wept,
and the whole family set up a cry as it had been his funeral; nay, I
also whin'd for company: when, quoth Trimalchio, "Since you know we
must die, why don't we live while we may? so let me live my self to
see you happy; as, if we plunge our selves in the bath we shall not
repent it: At my peril be it; I'll lead the way, for this room is
grown as hot as an oven." "Say you so," quoth Habinas, "nor am I
afraid to make two days of one"; and therewith got up barefoot and
follow'd Trimalchio.
I on the other hand turning to Ascyltos, asked him what he thought of
it, for "if I but see the bath I shall swoon away."
"Let's lagg behind then," said he, "and whilst they are getting in,
we'll slip off in the crowd."
The contrivance pleased us; and so Gito leading the way through the
portico, we came to the last gate, where a chained dog bolted upon us
so furiously, that Ascyltos fell into the fishpond. I, who had been
frighted at the painted dog, and now gotten as drunk as Ascyltos,
while I endeavoured to get hold of him, fell in my self; at last the
porter's coming in saved us, for he quieted the dog and drew us out;
but Gito, like a sharp rascal, delivered himself, for whatever had
been given him at supper to carry home with him, he threw it the dog,
and that mollified him.
But, when shivering with cold, we desired the porter to let us out:
"You're mistaken," said he, "if ye think to go out the same way ye
came in, for no guest ere yet did; they came in at one gate and are
let out by another."
In this sad pickle, what should we do? we found ourselves in a new
kind of labyrinth, and for bathing, we'd enough of it already:
However, necessity enforcing us, we pray'd him to show us the way to
the bath: and Gito having hung out our cloaths a drying in the porch,
we entred the bath, which was somewhat narrow, and sunk in the earth,
not unlike a rainwater cistern; in this stood Trimalchio stark-naked:
Nor could we avoid his filthy tricks; for he said, nothing was better
than to bathe in a crowd; and that every place had in times past been
a grinding-house. Being weary at length, he sate down, and provok'd
by the noisiness of the bath, set up his drunken throat, and fell a
murdering some songs of Menecrates, as they that understood him told
us.
Other guests ran round the cistern with their arms across, and made a
clamorous slap with their mouths; others either try'd to take up a
ring from the pavement, with their hands bound behind them, or putting
one knee to the ground, to kiss their great toes backward.
While they thus entertained one another, we went into the hot-house
that had been heated for Trimalchio; and being now recovered of our
drunkenness, were brought into another room, where Fortunata had set
out a fresh entertainment. Above the lamps I observed some women's
gewgaws. The tables were massy silver, the earthen ware double gilt,
and a conduit running with wine; when, quoth Trimalchio, "This day, my
friends, a servant of mine opened a barber's shop; he's well to pass,
a thrifty fellow, and a favourite of mine: Come, let the floor have a
drink as well as our selves; and for our part, we'll sit to it till
day-light."
While he was yet speaking, a cock crow'd, at which Trimalchio grew
disordered, and commanded the wine to be thrown under table, and
sprinkle the larnps with it; then changing a ring to his right hand,
"it is not for nothing," said he, "this trumpeter has given us notice;
for either the house should be on fire, or one of the neighbourhood
will kill himself: Far from us be it, and therefore, whoever brings me
this discoverer I'll give him a reward."
When immediately a cock was brought in, and Trimalchio, commanding to
have him drest he was torn in pieces by that exquisite cook, who a
little before had make us fish and fowl of a hog, and put in a
stew-pan, and while Dædalus was taking a lusty draught, Fortunata
ground pepper.
After which Trimalchio taking some of the banquet, bid the waiters go
to supper, and let others supply their places.
Whereupon came in another rank of servants, and as the former going
cry'd out, "Farewell, Caius," those coming in cry'd out, "Sit thou
merry, Caius."
And here our mirth first began to be disturb'd; for a beautiful boy
coming in among those new servants, Trimalchio plucked the boy to him,
and did nothing but kiss him over and over: Whereupon Fortunata to
maintain her right, began to rail at Trimalchio, called him pitiful
fellow, one that could not bridle his lust, shame and dishonour to an
honest woman, and a very dog. Trimalchio on the other hand, all
confounded and vex'd at her taunts, threw a goblet at her head: She
fell a roaring as if she had lost an eye, and clapt both her hands
before it.
Scintilla also stood amazed, and covered Fortunata all trembling as
she was, in her bosom; the boy also put a cold pitcher to her cheek,
on which she leaned and made a lamentable wailing and blubbing.
But Trimalchio quite contrary; "for," said he, "what am I the better
for this graceless buttock? 'Tis well known I took her out of a
bawdy-house, and made her an honest woman, but now blown up like a
frog she bespatters herself; a very block, no woman: But this poor boy
born in a hovel, never dreams of palaces. May my good genius so
befriend me, as I'll bring down this seeming saint, but in her actions
a whore rampant: As inconsiderable as she makes me, I might have had a
wife with two hundred and fifty pistols; you know I don't lye; but she
was somewhat in years, and Agatho the sweet oilman, persuaded me not
to let my name run out, when instead of doing good to her, I have put
a thorn in my own foot: but I'll have a care that she dig me not out
of my grave with her nails: And that she may know what I'll do at
present, I will not, Habinas, have you put her statue in my monument,
that I have no words with her when I am dead: Nay, that she may know I
am able to plague her, she shall not so much as kiss me when I die."
After this ratling, Habinas entreated him to give over his anger;
"There's none of us all," said he, "but some time or other does amiss;
we are but men, not gods." Weeping Scintilla said the same, called
him Caius, and by his own good nature, besought him to be pacified.
Trimalchio not able to hold tears any longer, "I beg of you, Habinas,"
said he, "and as you wish to enjoy what you have gotten, if I have
done any thing without cause, spit in my face: I kiss'd the boy 'tis
true, not for his beauty, but that he's a hopeful thrifty lad: He has
several sentences by heart, can read a book at first sight; saves
money out of his days provision; has a binn of his own to keep it, and
two drinking cups; and does he not deserve to be in my eye? but
Fortunata, forsooth, will not have it so; your bandy legs won't away
with it. Be content with your own, thou she-kite, and don't disquiet
me, thou harlotry, or otherwise thou'lt find what I am; thou knowest
well enough, if I once set on't, 'tis immoveable. But we'll remember
the living.
"Come, my friends, let's see how merry ye can be, for in my time I
have been no better than your selves, but by my own industry I am what
I am: 'Tis the heart makes a man, all the rest is but stuff. I buy
cheap and sell dear; another man may sell ye other things, but I enjoy
my self; and thou dunghillraker, are thou yet gruntling, I'll make ye
hereafter do it for somewhat.
"But as I was saying my frugality brought the fortune I have: I came
out of Asia no taller than this candlestick, and daily measured my
self by it: and that I might get a beard the sooner, rubb'd my lips
with the candle-grease; yet I kept Ganymede to my master fourteen
years (nor is any thing dishonourable that the master commands) and
the same time contented my mistress: Ye know what I mean, I'll say no
more, for I am no boaster. By this means, as the gods would have it,
the governing the house was committed to me, and nothing was done but
by my guidance: What need many words? He made me joint-heir with
Cæsar, and I had by it a Senator's estate; but no man thinks he has
enough, and I had a mighty desire to turn merchant. Not to detain you
longer; I built five ships, freighted them with wines, which at that
time were as dear as gold, and sent them to Rome; you'll think I
desir'd to have it so: All my ships founder'd at sea; 'tis a great
truth, no story; Neptune swallowed me in one day three hundred
thousand sesterties. Do ye think I broke upon 't, (so help me
Hercules) no; the loss was but a flea-bite: For, as if there had been
no such thing, I built others, larger, better, and more fortunate than
the former; so that every one called me a man of courage. As you know
a great ship carries a great deal of force, I loaded them again with
wine, bacon, beans, unguents, planes: And here Fortunata shewed her
affection; for she sold what she had; nay, her very cloaths, and put a
round sum in my pocket; tho' yet it was but a pig of my own sow. What
the gods will is quickly done; I got an hundred thousand sesterties by
the voyage, and forthwith redeemed the lands my patron had left me,
built me a house, bought cattle to sell them again, and whatever I
went about gathered like a snow-ball: But when I grew richer than all
the country besides, I took up; and from a merchant turn'd usurer, and
bought servants.
"Thus resolved to give over trading, a certain astrologer that chanc'd
to light on this village, would have persuaded me to the contrary. He
was a Græcian, his name Sœrapa, one that held correspondence
with the gods. He told me a deal that I had forgotten, and laid
everything before me from top to bottom: He knew all I had within me,
and told me what I had the night before to supper; you'd have thought
he had liv'd with me all his life.
"I beseech you, Habinas, for I think you was there; he told me the
intrigue between my mistress and me; that I had but ill luck at
friends; that no one ever made me a return of my kindnesses: That I
had large possessions, but nourished a viper in my bosom: Why should I
not tell you all? I have by his account, thirty years, four months,
and two days yet to live; and in a short time shall have another
estate left me.
"Thus my fortune-teller. But if I can join my lands here to those in
Apulia, I shall do well enough: in the mean, and while Mercury is my
guardian, I have built this house: it was once you know, a pitiful
cabin, but now as magnificent as a temple: it has four dining rooms,
twenty bed-chambers two marble porticoes, a gallery above stairs, my
own apartment, another for this viper; a very good porter's lodge, and
the house capable of receiving a thousand guests: To be short, when
ever Scaurus comes this way, he had rather lodge here than at his own
house, tho' it lie to the seaward: and many other conveniences it has,
which I'll shew you by and by. Believe me, he that has a penny in his
purse, is worth a penny: Have and you shall be esteemed. And so your
friend, once no better than a frog, is now a king.
"And now Stichus bring me the furniture in which I design to be
carried to my funeral pile; bring also the unguent, and some of that
pot, which I ordered for the cleansing my bones."
Stichus lingered not, but brought in a white coverlet, and robe of
state, and pray'd us to try if they were not fine wooll, and well
woven. "And see you Stichus," said Trimalchio smiling, "that neither
mice nor moths come at them, for if they do I'll burn you alive. I
will be brought out in pomp, that all the people may speak well of
me."
With that opening a glass bottle of spicknard, he caused us all to be
anointed; and "I hope," said he, "it will do as much good when I am
dead, as it does while I am living": Then commanding the wine vessels
to be filled again; "Fausie," said he, "you are invited to my funeral
feast." We by this time nauseated, were ready to vomit; Trimalchio
also was gotten confoundedly drunk, when behold, a new interlude; he
called for the coronets to come in; and, underset with pillows, and
stretching himself at length on the bed, "suppose me," said he, "now
dead, say somewhat, I beseech you, in praise of me."
Whereupon the coronets sounded as it had been at a funeral; but one
above the rest, a servant of that freed-man of Trimalchio's, that was
best condition'd of 'em all, made such a thundring, that it rais'd the
neighbourhood: On which the watch thinking the house was on fire,
broke open the gate, and making an uproar after their manner, ran in
with water and hatchets: When finding so fair an opportunity, we gave
Agamemnon the slip, and scamper'd off, as if it had been a real fire.