While we were reading the titles, Trimalchio clapped his hands, and
"Alas, alas," said he, "that wine should live longer than man! Wine
is life, and we'll try if it has held good ever since the consulship
of Lucius Opimius, or not. 'Tis right Opimian, and therefore make
ready; I brought not out so good yesterday, yet there were persons of
better quality sup'd with me."
We drank and admired every thing, when in came a servant with a silver
puppet, so jointed and put together that it turned every way; and
being more than once thrown upon the table, cast it self into several
figures; on which Trimalchio came out with his poetry:
Unhappy mortals, on how fine a thread
Our lives depend! How like this puppet man,
Shall we alas! be all when we are dead!
Therefore let's live merrily while we can.
The applause we gave him, was followed with a service, but respecting
the place not so considerable as might have been expected: However,
the novelty of the thing drew every man's eye upon it; it was a large
charger, with the twelve signs round it; upon every one of which the
master cook had laid somewhat or other suitable to the sign. Upon
Aries, chick-pease, (a pulse not unlike a ram's head); upon Taurus a
piece of beef; upon Gemini a pair of pendulums and kidneys; upon
Cancer a coronet; upon Leo an African figg; upon Virgo a well-grown
boy; upon Libra a pair of scales, in one of which was a tart, in the
other a custard; upon Scorpio a pilchard; upon Sagittary a grey-hound;
upon Capricorn a lobster; upon Aquarius a goose; upon Pisces two
mullets; and in the middle a plat of herbs, cut out like a green turf,
and over them a honey-comb. During this, a lesser black carry'd about
bread in a silver oven, and with a hideous voice, forced a bawdy song
from a buffoon that stunk like assa fœtida.
When Trimalchio perceived we look'd somewhat awkwardly on such course
fare, "Come, come," said he, "fall to and eat, this is the custom of
the place."
Nor had he sooner said it, than the fourth consort struck up; at which
the waiters fell a dancing, and took off the upper part of the
charger, under which was a dish of cramm'd fowl, and the hinder paps
of a sow that had farrowed but a day before, well powdered, and the
middle a hare, stuck in with finns of fish in his side, that he look'd
like a flying horse; and on the sides of the fish four little images,
that spouted a relishing sauce on some fish that lay near them, all of
them brought from the river Euripus.
We also seconded the shout begun by the family, and fell merrily
aboard this; and Trimalchio no less pleas'd than our selves, cryed
"Cut"; at which the musick sounding again, the carver humour'd it, and
cut up the meat with such antick postures, you'd have thought him a
carman fighting to an organ.
Nevertheless Trimalchio in a lower note, cryed out again "Cut:" I
hearing the word so often repeated, suspecting there might be some
joke in it, was not ashamed to ask him that sate next above me, what
it meant? And he that had been often present at the like, "You see,"
said he, "him that carves about, his name is cutter; and as often as
he says 'Cut,' he both calls and commands."
The humour spoiled my stomach for eating; but turning to him that I
might learn more, I made some pleasant discourse to him at a distance;
and at last asked him what that woman was that so often scutled up and
down the room.
"It is," said he, "Trimalchio's wife, her name Fortunata, she measures
money by the bushel; but what was she not long since? Pardon me sir,
you would not have touch'd her with a pair of tongs, but now, no one
knows how, or wherefore she's got into heaven; and is Trimalchio's all
in all: In short, if she says it is mid-night at mid-day, he'll
believe her. He's so very wealthy, he knows not what he has; but she
has an eye every where; and when you least think to meet her: She's
void of all good counsel, and withal of all ill tongue; a very pye at
his bolster; whom she loves she loves; and whom she does not love, she
does not love.
"Then for Trimalchio, he has more lands than a crow can fly over;
monies upon monies: There lies more silver in his porters lodge, than
any one man's whole estate. And for his family, hey-day, hey-day,
there is not (so help me Hercules) one tenth of them that know their
master. In brief, there is not one of those fools about him, but he
can turn him into a cabbage-stalk. Nor is there any occasion to buy
any thing, he has all at his own door; wooll, marte, pepper, nay hens
milk; do but beat about and you'll find it. In a word, time was, his
wooll was none of the best, and therefore he bought rams at Tarentum
to mend this breed; an in like manner he did by his honey, by bringing
his bees from Athens. It is not long since but he sent to the Indies
for mushroom-seed: Nor has he so much as a mule that did not come of a
wild ass. See you all these quilts? there is not one of them whose
wadding is not the finest comb'd wooll of violet or scarlet colour,
dy'd in grain. O happy man! but have a care how you put a slight on
those freed men, they are rich rogues: See you him that sits at the
lower-end of the table, he has now the Lord knows what; and 'tis not
long since he was not worth a groat, and carried billets and faggots
at his back; it is said, but I know nothing of it myself, but as I
have heard, either he got in with an old hog-grubbler, or had to do
with an incubus, and found a treasure: For my part, I envy no man, (if
God gives anything it is a bit of a blow, and wills no evil to himself
) he lately set up this proclamation:
"C. POMPEIUS DIOGENES HAS SOME LODGINGS
TO LET, FOR HE HATH BOUGHT A HOUSE."
"But what think you of him who sits in the place of a late slave? how
well was he once? I do not upbraid him: He was once worth a hundred
thousand sesterstias, but has not now a hair of his head that is not
engaged; nor, so help me Hercules, is it his own fault: There is not a
better humour'd man than himself; but those rascally freed-men have
cheated him of all: For know, when the pot boyls, and a man's estate
declines, farewell friends. And what trade do you think he drove? He
had the setting forth of grave men's funerals; and with that eat like
a prince: He had his wild boars served up covered; pastry-meats,
fowl-cooks, bakers: More wine was thrown under his table than most men
have in their cellars; a meer phantasm: And when his estate was going,
and he feared his creditors might fall upon him, he made an auction
under this title:
"JULIUS PROCULUS WILL MAKE AN AUCTION
OF SEVERAL GOODS HE HAS NO USE OF."
The dish was by this time taken away, and the guests grown merry with
wine, began to talk of what was done abroad, when Trimalchio broke the
discourse; and leaning on his elbow, "This wine," said he, "is worth
drinking, and fish must swim; but do you think I am satisfied with
that part of your supper you saw in the charger? Is Ulysses no better
known? what then; we ought to exercise our brains as well as our
chaps; and shew, that we are not only lovers of learning, but
understand it: Peace rest my old tutor's bones who made me a man
amongst men: No man can tell me any thing that is new to me; for, like
him, I am master of the practicks.
"This heaven, that's inhabited by twelve gods, turns it self into as
many figures; and now 'tis Aries: He that's born under that sign has
much cattle, much wooll, and to that a jolt-head, a brazen-face, and
will be certainly a cuckold: There are many scholars, advocates, and
horned beasts, come into the world under this sign. We praised our
nativity-caster's pleasantness, and he went on then again: The whole
Heaven is Taurus, and wonder it e'er bore foot-ball-players,
herds-men, and such as can shift for themselves. Under Gemini are
foaled coach-horses, oxen calved, great baubles, and such as can claw
both sides are born. I was born my self under Cancer, and therefore
stand on many feet, as having large possessions both by sea and land.
For Cancer suits one as well as the other, and therefore I put nothing
upon him, that I might not press my own geniture. Under Leo,
spendthrifts and bullies: under Virgo, women, runagates, and such as
wear iron garters: under Libra, butchers, slipslop-makers, and men of
business: under Scorpio, empoisoners and cut-throats: under Sagittary,
such as are goggle-ey'd, herb-women, and bacon-stealers: under
Capricorn, poor helpless rascals, to whom yet Nature intended horns to
defend themselves: under Aquarius, cooks and paunch-bellies: under
Pisces, caterers and orators: And so the world goes round like a mill,
and is never without its mischief; that men be either born or perish.
But for that tuft of herbs in the middle, and the honey-comb upon it,
I do nothing without just reason for it: Our mother the earth is in
the middle, made round like an egg, and has all good things in her
self, like a honeycomb."
"Most learnedly," we all cry'd; and lifting our hands, swore, neither
Hipparebus nor Aratus were to be compared to him, till at last other
servants came in and spread coverlets on the beds, on which were
painted nets, men in ambush with hunting-poles, and whatever
appertained to hunting: Nor could we yet tell what to make of it: when
we heard a great cry without, and a pack of beagles came and ran round
the table, and after them a large trey, on which was a boar of the
first magnitude, with a cap on his head, (such as slaves at their
making free, had set on theirs in token of liberties) on his tusks
hung two wicker baskets, the one full of dates, the other of almonds;
and about him lay little pigs of marchpane, as if they were sucking:
They signified a sow had farrowed, and hang there as presents for the
guests to carry away with them.
To the cutting up this boar, here came not he that had carried about
the fowl as before, but a swinging fellow with a two-handed beard,
buskins on his leggs, and a short embroidered coat; who drawing his
wood-knife, made a large hole in the boar's side, out of which flew a
company of blackbirds: Then fowlers stood ready with their engines and
caught them in a trice as they fluttered about the room: On which
Trimalchio ordering to every man his bird, "See," said he, "what kind
of acorns this wild boar fed on:" When presently the boys took off the
baskets and distributed the dates and almonds among the guests.
In the mean time, I, who had private thoughts of my own, was much
concerned, to know why the boar was brought in with a cap upon his
head; and therefore having run out my tittle-tattle, I told my
interpreter what troubled me: To which he answered, "Your boy can even
tell ye what it means, for there's no riddle in it, but all as clear
as day. This boar stood the last of yester-nights supper, and
dismiss'd by the guests, returns now as a free-man among us." I curst
my dulness, and asked him no more questions, that I might not be
thought to have never eaten before with men of sense.
While we were yet talking, in came a handsome boy with a wreath of
vine leaves and ivy about his head; declaring himself one while
Bromius, another while Lyccus, and another Euphyus (several names of
Bacchus) he carried about a server of grapes, and with a clear voice,
repeated some of his master's poetry, at which Trimalchio turning to
him, "Dionysius," said he, "be thou Liber," (i.e.) free, (two other
names of Bacchus) whereupon the boy took the cap from off the boar's
head, and putting it on his own, Trimalchio added, "You will not deny
me but I have a father, Liber." We all praised the conceit, and
soundly kissed the boy as he went round us.
From this up rose Trimalchio, and went to the close-stool; we also
being at liberty, without a tyrant over us fell to some table-talk.
When presently one calling for a bumper, "The day," said he, "is
nothing, 'tis night e're the scene turn, and therefore nothing is
better than to go straight from bed to board. We have had a great
deal of frost, the bagnio has scarce heated me; but a warm drinking is
my wardrobe-keeper: For my part, I have spun this days thread; the
wine is got into my noddle, and I am down-right--"
Selucus went on with the rest, "And I," said he, "do not bathe every
day, for he where I use to bathe is a fuller: Cold water has teeth in
it, and my head grows every day more washy than others, but when I
have got my dose in my guts, I bid defiance to cold: Nor could I well
do it to day, for I was at a funeral, a jolly companion, and a good
man was he, Crysanthus has breathed his last: 'Tis not long since we
were together, and methinks I talk with him now. Alas, alas! we are
but blown bladders, less than flies, yet they have somewhat in them:
But we are meer bubbles. You'll say he would not be rul'd; not a drop
of water, or crumb of bread went down his throat in five days: And yet
he's gone, or that he died of the doctor. But I am of opinion his
time was come; for a physician is a great comfort. However, he was
well carried out of his house upon a rich bed, and mightily lamented,
he made some of his servants free; but his wife seem'd not much
concerned for him. You'll say again he was not kind to her; but women
are a kind of kites; whatever good is done them, 'tis the same as if
it were thrown in a well; and old love is as bad as a goal."
At this Philaos grew troublesome, and cryed out, "Let us remember the
living: He had what was due to him; as he liv'd so he dy'd; and what
has he now that any man moans the want of it? He came from nothing,
and to his dying-day would have taken a farthing from a dunghil with
his teeth; therefore as he grew up, he grew like a honey-comb. He
dy'd worth the Lord knows what, all ready money. But to the matter; I
have eaten a dog's tongue and dare speak truth: He had a foul mouth,
was all babble; a very make-bate, not a man. His brother was a brave
fellow, a friend to his friends, of an open hand, and kept a full
table: He did not order his affairs so well at first as he might have
done; but the first vintage made him up again; for he sold what wine
he would; and what kept up his chin was the expectation of a
reversion; the credit of which brought him more than was left him; for
his brother taking a pelt at him, devised the estate to I know not
whose bastard: He flies far that flies his relations. Besides, this
brother of his had whisperers about him, that were back-friends to the
other: but he shall never do right that is quick of belief, especially
in matter of business; and yet 'tis true, he'll be counted wise while
he lives, to whom the thing whatever it be is given, nor he that ought
to have had it. He was without doubt, one of fortune's sons; lead in
his hand would turn to gold, and without trouble too, where there are
not rubbs in the way. And how many years think ye he liv'd?
Seventy-odd: but he was as hard as horn, bore his age well, and as
black as a crow.
"I knew him some years ago an oilman, and to his last a good womans
man; but withal such a miser, that (so help me Hercules) I think he
left not a dogg in his house. He was also a great whore-master, and a
jack of all trades; nor do I condemn him for't, for this was the only
secret he kept to himself and carry'd with him."
Thus Phileros and Gammedes, as followeth: "Ye talk of what concerns
neither Heaven nor Earth, when in the mean time no man regards what
makes all victuals so scarce: I could not (so help me Hercules) get a
mouthful of bread to day: and how? The drought continues: For my
part, I have not fill'd my belly this twelve-month: A plague on these
clerks of the market, the baker and they juggle together; take no
notice of me, I'll take no notice of thee; which make the poorer sort
labour for nothing, while those greater jaw-bones make festival every
day. Oh that we had those lyons I now find here, when I first came
out of Asia, that had been to live: The inner part of Sicily had the
like of them, but they so handled the goblins, even Jupiter bore them
no good-will. I remember Safinius, when I was a boy, he liv'd by the
old arch; you'd have taken him for pepper-corn rather than a man;
where-ever he went the earth parched under him; yet he was honest at
bottom; one might depend on him; a friend to his friend, and whom you
might boldly trust in the dark. But how did he behave himself on the
bench? He toss'd every one like a ball; made no starch'd speeches,
but downright, as he were, doing himself what he would persuade
others: But in the market his noise was like a trumpet, without
sweating or spueing. I fancy he had somewhat, I know not what, of the
Asian humour: then so ready to return a salute, and call every one by
his name, as if he had been one of us. In his time corn was as common
as loam; you might have bought more bread for half a farthing, than
any two could eat; but now the eye of an ox will cost you twice as
much: Alas! alas! we are every day worse and worse, and grow like a
cows tail, downward: And why all this? We have a clerk of the market
not worth three figgs, and values more the getting of a doit himself,
than any of our lives: 'Tis this makes him laugh in his sleeve; for he
gets more money in a day than many an honest man's whole estate: I
know not how he got the estate he has; but if we had any thing of men
about us, he would not hug himself as he does, but now the people are
grown to this pass, that they are lyons at home, and foxes abroad: For
my part, I have eaten up my cloaths already, and if corn holds at the
rate it does, I shall be forc'd to sell house and all: For what will
become of us, if neither gods nor men pity us? Let me never enjoy my
friends more, than I believe all this comes from Heaven; for no one
thinks there is any such thing; no one keeps a fast, or value Jupiter
a hair, but shuts his eyes and reckons what he is worth. Time was,
when matrons went bare-foot with dishevel'd hair, pure minds, and
pray'd him to send rain, and forthwith it rained pitcher-fulls, or
then or never, and every one was pleased: Now the gods are no better
than mice; as they tread, their feet are wrapt in wooll; and because
ye are not superstitious your lands yield nothing."
"More civilly, I beseech ye," said Echion the hundred-constable; "it
is one while this way, and another while that, said the country-man
when he lost his speckled hogg: What is not to day may be to morrow;
and thus is life hurried about, so help me Hercules, a country is said
not to be the better that it has many people in it, tho' ours at
present labours under that difficulty, but it is no fault of hers: We
must not be so nice, Heaven is equally distant every where; were you
in another place you'd say hoggs walked here ready dress'd: And now I
think on't, we shall have an excellent show these holy-days, a
fencing-prize exhibited to the people; not of slaves bought for that
purpose, but most of them freemen. Our patron Titus has a large soul,
but a very devil in his drink, and cares not a straw which side gets
the better: I think I should know him, for I belong to him; he's of a
right breed both by father and mother, no mongril. They are well
provided with weapons, and will fight it out to the last: the theatre
will look like a butchers shambles, and he has where-withal to do it;
his father left him a vast sum, and let him make ducks and drakes with
it never so much, the Estate will bear it, and he always carries the
reputation of it. He has his waggon horses, a woman-carter, and
Glyco's steward, who was taken a-bed with his mistress; what a busle's
here between cuckolds and cuckold-makers! But this Glyco a
money-broker, condemned his steward to fight with beasts; and what was
that but to expose himself for another? where lay the servant's crime,
who perhaps was oblig'd to do what he did: She rather deserv'd to be
brain'd, than the bull that tossed her; but he that cannot come at the
arse, thrashes at the pack-saddle: yet how could Glyco expect
Hermogine's daughter should make a good end? She'd have pared the
claws of a flying kite; a snake does not bring forth a halter: Glyco
might do what he would with his own; but it will be a brand on him as
long as he lives; nor can any thing but Hell blot it out; however,
every man's faults are his own. I perceive now what entertainment
Mammea is like to give us; he'll be at twopence charges for me and my
company; which if he does, he will pull Narbanus clean out of favour;
for you must know, he'll live at the full height; yet in truth what
good has he done us? He gave us a company of gittiful sword-players,
but so old and decrepid, that had you blown on them, they'd have
fallen of themselves: I have seen many a better at a funeral pile; he
would not be at the charge of lamps for them; you'd have taken them
for dunghil cocks fighting in the dark; one was a downright fool, and
withal gouty; another crump-footed, and a third half dead, and
hamstrung: There was one of them a Thracian, that made a figure, and
kept up to the rule of fighting; but upon the whole matter, all of
them were parted, and nothing came of this great block-headed rabble,
but a downright running away: And yet, said he, I made ye a show, and
I clap my hands for company; but cast up the account, I gave more than
I received; one hand rubs another. You Agamemnon seem to tell me what
would that trouble some fellow be at; because you that can speak, and
do not, you are not of our form, and therefore ridicule what poor men
say; tho', saving the repute of a scholar, we know you are but a meer
fool. Where lies the matter then? let me persuade you to take a walk
in the country, and see our cottage, you'll find somewhat to eat; a
chicken, some eggs, or the like: The tempestuous season had like to
have broke us all, yet we'll get enough to fill the belly. Your
scholar, my boy Cicero, is mightily improved, and if he lives, you'll
have a servant of him; he is pretty forward already, and whatever
spare time he has, never off a book: He's a witty lad, well-featur'd,
takes a thing without much study, tho' yet he be sickly: I killed
three of his linnets the other day, and told him the weasels had eaten
them; yet he found other things to play with, and has a pretty knack
at painting: He has a perfect aversion to Greek, but seems better
inclined to Latin; tho' the master he has now humours him in the
other; nor can he be kept to one thing, but is still craving more, and
will not take pains with any. There is also another of this sort, not
much troubled with learning, but very diligent, and teaches more than
he knows himself: He comes to our house on holidays, and whatever you
give him he's contented; I therefore bought the boy some ruled books,
because I will have him get a smattering in accounts and the law; it
will be his own another day: He has learning enough already, but if he
takes back to it again, I design him for a trade, a barber, a parson,
or a lawyer, which nothing but the devil can take from him: How oft
have I told him, Thou art (Sirrah) my first begotten, and believe thy
father, whatever thou learnest 'tis all thy own: See there Philero the
lawyer, if he had not been a scholar he might have starved; but now
see what trinkums he has about his neck, and dares nose Narbanus.
Letters are a treasure, and a trade never dies."
Thus, or the like, we were bandying it about when Trimalchio return'd,
and having wip'd the slops from his face, wash'd his hands, and in a
very little time, "Pardon me, my friends," said he, "I have been
costive for several days, and my physicians were to seek about it,
when a suppository of pomegranate wine, with the liquor of a pine-tree
and vinegar relieved me; and now I hope my belly may be ashamed if it
keep no better order; for otherwise I have such a rumbling in my guts,
you'd think an ox bellowed; and therefore if any of you has a mind, he
need not blush for the matter; there's not one of us born without some
defect or other, and I think no torment greater than wanting the
benefit of going to stool, which is the only thing even Jupiter
himself cannot prevent: And do you laugh, Fortunata, you that break me
so often of my sleep by nights; I never denyed any man do that in my
room might pleasure himself, and physicians will not allow us to keep
any thing in our bodies longer than we needs must; or if ye have any
farther occasion, every thing is ready in the next room: Water,
chamber-pots, close-stools, or whatever else ye may need; believe me,
this being hard-bound, if it get into the head, disturbs the whole
body; I have known many a man lost by it, when they have been so
modest to themselves as not to tell what they ailed."
We thank'd him for his freeness, and the liberty he gave us, when yet
to suppress our laughter, we set the glasses about again; nor did we
yet know that in the midst of such dainties we were, as they say, to
clamber another hill; for the cloth being again taken away, upon the
next musick were brought in three fat hogs with collars and bells
about their necks; and he that had the charge of them told us, the one
was two years old, the other three, and the third full grown. I took
it at first to have been a company of tumblers, and that the hogs, as
the manner is, were to have shewn us some tricks in a ring, till
Trimalchio breaking my expectation, "Which of them," said he, "will ye
have for supper? for cocks, pheasants, and the like trifles are but
country fare, but my cooks have coppers will boil a calf whole;" and
therewith commanding a cook to be called for, he prevented our choice
by ordering him to kill the largest, and with a loud voice, asked him,
Of what rank of servants in that house he was? to which he answering,
of the fortieth: "Were you bought," said the other, "or born in my
house?" "Neither," said the cook, "but left you by Pansa's
testament." "See then," said Trimalchio, "that you dress it as it
should be, or I'll send you to the galleys." On which the cook,
advertised of his power, went into the kitchin to mind his charge.
But Trimalchio turning to us with a pleasanter look, asked if the wine
pleased us, "If not," said he, "I'll have it changed, and if it does,
let me see it by your drinking: I thank the gods I do not buy it, but
have everything that may get an appetite growing on my own grounds
without the city, which no man that I know but my self has; and yet it
has been taken for Tarracino and Taranto. I have a project to joyn
Sicily to my lands on the continent, that when I have a mind to go
into Africa, I may sail by my own coasts. But prithee Agamemnon tell
me what moot-point was it you argued to day; for tho' I plead no
causes my self, yet I have had a share of letters in my time; and that
you may not think me sick of them now, have three libraries, the one
Greek, the other two Latin; therefore as you love me tell me what was
the state of the question:" "The poor and the rich are enemies," said
Agamemnon: "And what is poor," answered Trimalchio? "Spoke like a
gentleman," replyed Agamemnon. But making nothing of the matter, "If
it be so," said Trimalchio, "where lies the dispute? And if it be not
so, 'tis nothing."
While we all humm'd this and the like stuff, "I beseech ye," said he,
"my dear Agamemnon, do you remember the twelve labours of Hercules, or
the story of Ulysses, how a Cyclop put his thumb out of joint with a
mawkin? I read such things in Homer when I was a boy; nay, saw my
self the Sybil of Curna hanging in a glass bottle: And when the boys
asked her, 'Sybil, what wouldst thou?' She answered, 'I would die.'"
He had not yet run to the end of the rope, when an over-grown hog was
brought to the table. We all wondered at the quickness of the thing,
and swore a capon could not be dress'd in the time; and that the more,
because the hog seemed larger than was the boar, we had a little
before: When Trimalchio looking more intent upon him, "What, what,"
said he, "are not his guts taken out? No, (so help me Hercules) they
are not! Bring hither, bring hither this rogue of a cook." And when
he stood hanging his head before us, and said, he was so much in haste
he forgot it. "How, forgot it," cry'd out Trimalchio! "Do ye think
he has given it no reasoning of pepper and cummin? Strip him:" When
in a trice 'twas done, and himself set between two tormentors:
However, we all interceded for him, as a fault that might now and then
happen, and therefore beg'd his pardon; but if he ever did the like,
there was no one would speak for him; tho' for my part, I think he
deserved what he got: And so turning to Agamemnon's ear, "This
fellow," said I, "must be a naughty knave; could any one forget to
bowel a hog? I would not (so help me Hercules) have forgiven him if
he had served me so with a single fish." But Trimalchio it seems, had
somewhat else in his head; for falling a laughing, "You," said he,
"that have so short a memory, let's see if you can do it now." On
which, the cook having gotten his coat again, took up a knife, and
with a feigned trembling, ripp'd up the hog's belly long and thwart,
when immediately its own weight tumbled out a heap of hogs-puddings
and sausages.
After this, as it had been done of it self, the family gave a shout,
and cry'd out, "Health and prosperity to Caius!" The cook also was
presented with wine, a silver coronet, and a drinking goblet, on a
broad Corinthian plate: which Agamemnon more narrowly viewing; "I am,"
said Trimalchio, ''the only person that has the true Corinthian
vessels."
I expected, that according to the rest of his haughtiness, he would
have told us they had been brought him from Corinth: But he better:
"And perhaps," said he, "you'll ask me why I am the only person that
have them. And why, but the copper-smith from whom I buy them, is
called Corinthus? And what is Corinthian but what is made by
Corinthus? But that ye may not take me for a man of no sence, I
understand well enough whence the word first came. When Troy was
taken, Hannibal, a cunning fellow, but withal mischievous, made a pile
of all the brazen, gold and silver statues, and burnt them together,
and thence came this mixt metal; which workmen afterwards carried off;
and of this mass made platters, dishes, and several other things; so
that these vessels are neither this nor that metal, but made of all of
them. Pardon me what I say; however others may be of another mind, I
had rather have glass ware; and if it: were not so subject to
breaking, I'd reckon it before gold; but now it is of no esteem.
"There was a copper-smith that made glass vessels of that pliant
harness, that they were no more to be broken than gold and silver
ones: It so happened, that having made a drinking-pot, with a wide
mouth of that kind, but the finest glass, fit for no man, as he
thought, less than Cæsar himself; he went with his present to
Cæsar, and had admittance: The kind of the gift was praised, the
hand of the workman commended, and the design of the giver accepted.
He again, that he might turn the admiration of the beholders into
astonishment, and work himself the more into the Emperor's favour,
pray'd the glass out of the Emperor's hand; and having received it,
threw it with such a force against the paved floor, that the most
solid and firmest metal could not but have received some hurt thereby.
Cæsar also was no less amazed at it, than concerned for it; but the
other took up the pot from the ground, not broken but bulg'd a little;
as if the substance of metal had put on the likeness of a glass; and
therewith taking a hammer out of his pocket, he hammer'd it as it had
been a brass kettle, and beat out the bruise: And now the fellow
thought himself in Heaven, in having, as he fansied, gotten the
acquaintance of Cæsar, and the admiration of all: But it fell out
quite contrary: Cæsar asking him if any one knew how to make this
malleable glass but himself? And he answering, there was not, the
Emperor commanded his head to be struck off: 'For,' said he, 'if this
art were once known, gold and silver will be of no more esteem than
dirt.'
"And for silver, I more than ordinarily affect it: I have several
water-pots more or less, whereon is the story how Cassandra killed her
son's, and the dead boys are so well embossed, you'd think them real.
I have also a drinking cup left me by an advocate of mine, where
Dædalus puts Niobe into the Trojan horse, as also that other of
Hermerotes; that they may stand as a testimony, there's truth in cups,
and all this massy; ror will I part with what I understand of them at
any rate."
While he was thus talking, a cup dropt out of a boy's hand; on which,
Trimalchio looking over his shoulder at him, bad him begone, and kill
himself immediately; "for," said he, "thou art careless and mind'st
not what thou art about." The boy hung his lip, and besought him; but
he said, "What! dost thou beseech me, as if I required some difficult
matter of thee? I only bid thee obtain this of thy self, that thou be
not careless again." But at last he discharged him upon our entreaty.
On this the boy run round the table and cry'd, "Water without doors,
and wine within." We all took the jest, but more especially
Agamemnon, who knew on what account himself had been brought thither.
Trimalchio in the mean time hearing himself commended, drank all the
merrier, and being within an ace of quite out, "Will none of you,"
said he, "invite my Fortunata to dance? Believe me, there's no one
leads a country dance better:" And with that, tossing his hands round
his head, fell to act a jack-pudding; the family all the while
singing, 'youth it self, most exactly youth it self ;' and he had
gotten into the middle of the room, but that Fortunata whispered him,
and I believe told him, such gambols did not become his gravity. Nor
was there any thing more uneven to it self; for one while he turned to
his Fortunata, and another while to his natural inclination: But what
disturbed the pleasure of her dancing, was his notaries coming in;
who, as they had been the acts of a common council, read aloud:
'VII. of the Calends of August born in Trimalchio's manner of cumanum,
thirty boys and forty girls, brought from the threshing-floor into the
granary, five hundred thousand bushels of wheat. The same day broke
out a fire in a pleasure-garden that was Pompey's, first began in one
of his bayliffs houses.'
"How's this," said Trimalchio: "When were those gardens bought for
me?" "The year before," answered his notary, "and therefore not yet
brought to account."
At this Trimalchio fell into a fume; and "whatever lands," said he,
"shall be bought me hereafter, if I hear nothing of it in six months,
let them never, I charge ye, be brought to any account of mine." Then
also were read the orders of the clerks of the markets, and the
testaments of his woodwards, rangers, and park-keepers, by which they
disinherited their relations, and with ample praise of him, declare
Trimalchio their heir. Next that, the names of his bayliffs; and how
one of them that made his circuits in the country, turned off his wife
for having taken her in bed with a barber; the door-keeper of his
baths turn'd out of his place; the auditor found short in his
accounts, and the dispute between the grooms of his chamber ended.
At last came in the dancers on the rope, and a gorbelly'd blockhead
standing out with a ladder, commanded his boy to hopp every round
singing, and dance a jigg on the top of it, and then tumble through
burning hoops of iron, with a glass in his mouth. Trimalchio was the
only person that admir'd it, but withal said, he did not like it; but
there were two things he could willingly behold, and they were the
flyers on the high rope, and quails; and that all other creatures and
shows were meer gewgaws: "For," said he, "I bought once a sett of
stroulers, and chose rather to make them merry-andrews than comedians;
and commanded my bag-piper to sing in Latin to them."
While he was chattering all at this rate, a boy chanced to stumble
upon him, on which the family gave a shriek, the same also did the
guests; not for such a beast of a man, whose neck they could willingly
have seen broken, but for fear the supper should break up ill, and
they be forc'd to wail the death of the boy.
Whatever it were, Trimalchio gave a deep groan; and leaning upon his
arm as if it had been hurt, the physicians ran thick about him, and
with the first, Fortunata, her hair about her ears, a bottle of wine
in her hand, still howling, miserable unfortunate woman that she was!
Undone, undone. The boy on the other hand, ran under our feet, and
beseeched us to procure him a discharge: But I was much concern'd,
lest our interposition might make an ill end of the matter; for the
cook that had forgotten to bowel the hog was still in my thoughts. I
began therefore to look about the room, for fear somewhat or other
might drop through the ceiling; while the servant that had bound up
his arm in white, not scarlet-colour flannen, was soundly beaten: Now
was I much out, for instead of another course, came in an order of
Trimalchio's by which he gave the boy his freedom; that it might not
be said, so honourable a person had been hurt by his slave. We all
commended the action, but chatted among our selves with what little
consideration the things of this world were done. "You're in the
right," said Trimalchio; "nor ought this accident to pass without
booking;" and so calling for the journal, commanded it to be entered;
and with, as little thought, tumbled out these verses:
"What's least expected falls into our dish,
And fortune's more indulgent than our wish:
Therefore, boy, fill the generous wine about."
This epigram gave occasion to talk of the poets, and Marsus, the
Trachian, carry'd the bays a long while: till Trimalchio (turning to
some wit amongst them) "I beseech ye, master of mine," said he, "tell
me what difference take ye between Cicero the orator, and Publius the
poet? for my part I think one was more eloquent, the other the
honester man; for what could be said better than this."
"Now sinking Rome grows weak with luxury,
To please her appetite cram'd peacocks die:
Their gaudy plumes a modish dress supply.
For her the guinnea hen and capon's drest:
The stork it self for Rome's luxurious taste,
Must in a caldron build its humbl'd nest.
That foreign, friendly, pious, long-leg'd thing,
Grateful, that with shrill sounding notes dost sing
All winter's gone; yet ushers in the spring.
Why in one ring must three rich pearls be worn,
But that your wives th' exhausted seas adorn,
Abroad t' increase their lust, at home their scorn?
Why is the costly emerald so desir'd,
Or richer glittering carbuncle admir'd,
Because they sparkle, is't with that you're fir'd?
Well, honesty's a jewel. Now none knows
A modest bride from a kept whore by 'er cloaths;
For cobweb lawns both spouse and wench expose."
"But, now we talk after the rate of the learned, which," said he, "are
the most difficult trades? I think a physician and a banker: a
physician, because he know's a man's very heart, and when the fits of
an ague will return; tho' by the way, I hate them mortally; for by
their good will I should have nothing but slubber-slops: And a banker,
because he'll find out a piece of brass money, tho' plated with
silver.
"There are also brute beasts, sheep and oxen, laborious in their kind:
Oxen, to whom we are beholding for the bread we eat; and sheep, for
the wooll, that makes us so fine. But O horrid! we both eat the
mutton, and make us warm with the fleece. I take the bees for divine
creatures; they give us honey, tho' 'tis said they stole it from
Jupiter, and that's the reason why they sting: For where-ever ye meet
any thing that's sweet you'll ever find a sting at the end of it."
He also excluded philosophers from business, while the memoirs of the
family were carrying round the table, and a boy, set for that purpose,
read aloud the names of the presents, appointed for the guests, to
carry home with them. Wicked silver, what can it not? Then a gammon
of bacon was set on the table, and above that several sharp sauces, a
night-cap for himself, pudding-pies, and I know not what kind of
birds: There was also brought in a rundlet of wine, boiled off a third
part, and kept under ground to preserve its strength: There were also
several other things I can give no account of; besides apples,
scallions, peaches, a whip, a knife, and what had been sent him; as
sparrows, a flye-flap, raisons, Attick honey, night-gowns, judges
robes, dry'd paste, table-books, with a pipe and a foot-stool: After
which came in an hare and a sole-fish: And there was further sent him
a lamprey, a water-rat, with a frog at his tail, and a bundle of
beets.
Long time we smiled at these, and five hundred the like, that have now
slipt my memory: But now when Ascyltos, who could not moderate
hirnself, held up his hands and laught at every thing; nay so
downright, that he was ready to cry: A free-man of Trimalchio's that
sate next above me, grew hot upon't; and "What," said he, "thou sheep,
what dost thou laugh at? does not this sumptuousness of my master
please you? you're richer (forsooth) and eat better every day; so may
the guardian of this place favour me, as had I sate near him, I'd hit
him a box on the ear ere this: A hopeful cullion, that mocks others;
some pitiful night-walker, not worth the very urine he makes; and
should I throw mine on him, knows not where to dry himself. I am not
(so help me Hercules) quickly angry, yet worms are bred even in tender
flesh. He laughs! what has he to laugh at? what wooll did his father
give for the bantling? Is he a Roman knight? I am the son of a king.
How came I then, you'll say, to serve another? I did it of my self,
and had rather be a citizen of Rome, than a tributary king, and now
hope to live so, as to be no man's jeast. I walk like other men, with
an open face, and can shew my head among the best, for I owe no man a
groat; I never had an action brought against me, or said to me on the
exchange, Pay me what thou owest me. I bought some acres in the
country, and have everything suitable to it: I feed twenty mouths,
besides dogs: I ransomed my bond-woman, lest another should wipe his
hands on her smock; and between our selves, she cost me more than I'll
tell ye at present. I was made a captain of horse gratis, and hope so
to die, that I shall have no occasion to blush in my grave: But art
thou so prying into others, that thou never considerest thy self?
Canst thou spy a louse on another man's coat, and not see the tyck on
thy own? Your master then is ancienter than your self, and 't please
him; but yet thou, whose milk is not yet out of thy nose; that can'st
not say boh to a goose; must you be making observations? Are you the
wealthier man? If you are, dine twice, and sup twice; for my part, I
value my credit more than treasures: Upon the whole matter, where's
the man that ever dunn'd me twice? Thou pipkin of a man, more limber,
but nothing better than a strap of wet leather, I have served forty
years in this house, came into it with my hair full grown; this palace
was not then built, yet I made it my business to please my master, a
person of honour, the parings of whose nails are more worth than thy
whole body. I met several rubs in my way, but by the help of my good
angel, I broke through them all: This is truth; it is as easie to make
a hunting-horn of a sow's tail, as to get into this company. What
make ye in a dump now, like a goat at a heap of stones?"
On this Gito, who stood behind him, burst out a laughing; which the
other taking notice of, fell upon the boy; and, "Do you," said he,
"laugh too, you curl-pated chattering magpye? O the Saturnals! Why
how now, sirrah! is it the month of December? When were you twenty, I
pray? What would this collop dropt from the gibbet, this crows-meat,
be at? I'll find some or other way for Jupiter to plague thee, and
him that bred thee no better, or never let me eat a good meals-meat
again: I could, sirrah, but for the companies sake, I spare thee; tho'
either we understand not aright, or they are sots themselves that
carry no better a hand over thee; for without doubt it is true, like
master like man. I am hot by nature, and can scarce contain my self;
give me but a mess of peaseporridge, and I care not two-pence for my
mother. Very well, I shall meet thee abroad, thou mouse; nay, rather
mole-hill. May I never thrive more, but I'll drive that master of
thine into a blade of rue; nor shalt thou (so help me Hercules) 'scape
me, tho' thou couldst call in Jupiter to thy aid: I shall off with
those locks, and take thee when that trifling master of thine shall be
out of the way; thou wilt certainly fall into my hands, and either I
know not my self, or I'll make thee leave that buffoonry: Tho' thy
beard were of gold, I'll have thee bruised in a mortar, and him that
first taught thee: I never studied geometry, criticism, and meer words
without sence, but I understand the fitting of stones for buildings;
can run you over a hundred things, as to metal, weight, coin, and that
to a tittle; if you have a mind you and I will try it between us: I'll
lay thee a wager, thou wizard, and tho' I am wholly ignorant of
rhetorick, thou'lt presently see thou hast lost: Let no one run about
the bush to me; I come up to him: Resolve me, I say, 'which of us
runs, yet stirs not out of his place: which of us grows bigger, and
yet is less.' Do you scamper? Can't you tell what to make of it, that
you look so like a mouse in a trap? Therefore either hold thy tongue,
or don't provoke a better man than thy self, who does not think thee
fram'd of nature, unless thou fansiest me taken with those yellow
curl'd locks, which thou hast already vowed to some whore or other. O
lucky opportunity! Come, let's walk the exchange, and see which of us
can take up money: You'll be satisfied then, this iron has credit
upon't; a pretty thing, is it not! a drunken fox. So may I gain while
I live, and die well; but the people will brain me if I follow not
that coat on thy back, which is not for thy wearing, where-ever thou
goest: He's a precious tool too, whoever he were, that taught thee; a
piece of green cheese, no master. I have learn'd as well as another
man, and my master said it would be my own another day. Save your
worship! get home as fast as you can, but look well about you, and
have a care how you speak irreverently of your betters, or vie estates
with them; he that does it, his purse shall feel it: For my self, that
you see me as I am, I thank my stars for the art I have."
Ascyltos was making answer to his railing; when Trimalchio, pleased
with that good grace of speaking, "Go to," said he, "no more of this
wild talk, let us rather be pleasant: And you Hermeros, bear with the
young-man, his blood boils; be thou the soberer man; he that is
overcome in this matter, goes off conqueror: Even thy self, when thou
wert such another capon, hadst nothing but coco, coco, and no heart at
all. Let us therefore, which is the better of the two, be heartily
merry, and expect some admirers of Homer, that will be here
presently."
Nor were the words scarce out of his mouth, when in came a band of
men, and made a rustling with their spears and targets. Trimalchio
leaned on his pillow, the Homerists ratled out Greek verses, as,
arrogantly enough, they were wont to do, and he read a Latin book with
a loud voice: whereupon silence being made, "Know ye," said he, "what
fable they were upon?
"Diomedes and Ganymede were two brothers, and Helen was their sister;
Agamemnon stole him away, and shamm'd Diana with a hind in his room,
as says Homer in this place; and how the Trojans and the Parentines
fought among themselves; but at last he got the better of it, and
married his daughter Iphigenia to Achilles; on which Ajax run mad.
And there's an end of the tale."
On this the Homerists set up a shout, and a young boiled heifer with
an helmet on her head, was handed in upon a mighty charger: Ajax
followed, and with a drawn sword, as if he were mad, made at it, now
in one place, then in another, still acting a Morris-dancer; till
having cut it into joints, he took them upon the point of his sword,
and distributed them. Nor had we much time to admire the conceit; for
of a sudden the roof gave a crack, and the whole room shook: For my
part, I got on my feet, but all in confusion, for fear some tumbler
might drop on my head; the same also were the rest of the guests;
still gaping and expecting what new thing should come from the clouds:
when straight the main beams opened, and a vast circle was let down,
all round which hung golden garlands, and alabaster pots of sweet
ointments.
While we were required to take up these presents, I chanced to cast an
eye upon the table, where there lay a fresh service of cheese-cakes
and tarts, and in the midst of them a lusty rundlet, stuck round with
all sorts of apples and grapes, as they commonly draw that figure.
We greedily reached our hands towards it, when of a sudden, a new
diversion gave us fresh mirth; for all the cheese-cakes, apples and
tarts, upon the least touch, threw out a delicious liquid perfurne,
which fell upon us.
We judging the mess to be sacred, that was so gorgeously set out,
stood up and began a health to the august founder, the father of his
country: After which reverence, failing to catch that catch could, we
filled our napkins and I chiefly, who thought nothing too good for my
boy Gito.
During this, in came three boys in white, their coats tuck'd about
them; of whom, two set on the table three household gods with broaches
about their necks, and the other bearing round us a goblet of wine,
cry'd aloud, "Be the gods favourable!" "The name of this," said he,
"is cobler, that other's good-luck, and the third's spend-all:" And as
the image of Trimalchio was carryed round, and every one kiss'd it, we
thought it a shame not to do as the rest of the company.
After this, when all of us had wished him health and happiness,
Trimalchio, turning to Niceros, "You were wont," said he, "to be a
good companion, but what's the matter we get not a word from ye now?
Let me entreat ye, as you would see me happy, do not break an old
custom."
Niceros, pleased with the frankness of his friend: "Let me never
thrive," said he, "if I am not ready to caper out of my skin, to see
you in so good a humours; therefore what I say shall be all mirth;
tho' I am afraid those grave fopps may laugh: but let them look to 't,
I'll go on nevertheless; for what am I the worse for any one swearing?
I had rather they laugh at what I say, than at my self."