"I promis'd you an account of what befel me, and am now resolv'd to be
as good as my word, being so met to our desires; not only to improve
our learning, but to be merry, and put life in our discourse with
pleasanter tales.
"Fabricius Vejento has already, and that wittily, handled the juggle
of religion, and withal discover'd with what impudence and ignorance
priests pretend to be inspir'd: But are not our wrangling pleaders
possest with the same frenzy? who cant it? These wounds I receiv'd in
defence of your liberty; this eye was lost in your service; lend me a
hand to hand me to my children, for my faltering hams are not able to
support me.
"Yet even this might pass for tolerable, did it put young beginners in
the least way to well-speaking. Whereas now, what with the inordinate
swelling of matter, and the empty ratling of words, they only gain
this, That when they come to appear in publick, they think themselves
in another world. And therefore I look upon the young fry of
collegiates as likely to make the most helpful blockheads, because
they neither hear nor see any thing that is in use among men: But a
company of pirates with their chains on the shoar; tyrants issuing
proclamations to make children kill their fathers; the answers of
oracles in a plague-time, that three or more virgins be sacrific'd to
appease the gods; dainty fine honey-pellets of words, and everything
so said and done, as if it were all spice and garnish.
"Those that are thus bred can no more understand, than those that live
in a kitchin not stink of the grease. Give me, with your favour,
leave to say, 'twas you first lost the good grace of speaking; for
with light idle gingles of words to make sport ye have brought it to
this, That the substance of oratory is become effeminate and sunk.
"Young men were not kept to this way of declaiming when Sophocles and
Euripides influenc'd the age. Nor yet had any blind alley-professor
foil'd their inclinations, when Pindar and the Nine Lyricks durst not
attempt Homer's Numbers: And that I may not bring my authority from
poets, 'tis certain, neither Plato nor Demosthenes ever made it their
practice: A stile one would value, and as I may call it, a chast
oration, is not splatchy nor swoll'n, but rises with a natural beauty.
"This windy and irregular way of babbling came lately out of Asia into
Athens; and having, like some ill planet, blasted the aspiring genius
of their youth, at once corrupted and put a period to all true
eloquence.
"After this, who came up to the height of Thucydides? Who reach'd the
fame of Hyperedes? Nay, there was hardly a verse of a right strain:
But all, as of the same batch, di'd with their author. Painting also
made no better an end, after the boldness of the Egyptians ventur'd to
bring so great an art into a narrower compass."
At this and the like rate my self once declaim'd, when one Agamemnon
made up to us, and looking sharply on him, whom the mob with such
diligence observ'd, he would not suffer me to declaim longer in the
portico, than he had sweated in the school; "But, young man," said he,
"because your discourse is beyond the common apprehension, and, which
is not often seen, that you are a lover of understanding, I won't
deceive you: The masters of these schools are not to blame, who think
it necessary to be mad with mad men: For unless they teach what their
scholars approve, they might, as Cicero says, keep school to
themselves: like flattering smell-feasts, who when they come to great
men's tables study nothing more than what they think may be most
agreeable to the company (as well knowing they shall never obtain what
they would, unless they first spread a net for their bars) so a master
of eloquence, unless fisherman like, he bait his hook with what he
knows the fish will bite at, may wait long enough on the rock without
hopes of catching any thing.
"Where lies the fault then? Parents ought to be sharply reprehended,
who will not have their children come on by any strict method; but in
this, as in all things, are so fond of making a noise in the world;
and in such haste to compass their wishes, that they hurry them in
publick e'er they have digested what they have read, and put children
e'er they are well past their sucking-bottle, upon the good grace of
speaking, than which even themselves confess, nothing is greater:
Whereas if they would suffer them to come up by degrees, that their
studies might be temper'd with grave lectures; their affections
fashion'd by the dictates of wisdom; that they might work themselves
into a mastery of words; and for a long time hear, what they're
inclined to imitate, nothing that pleas'd children, wou'd be admir'd
by them. But now boys trifle in the schools, young men are laugh'd at
in publick, and, which is worse than both, what every one foolishly
takes up in his youth, no one will confess in his age. But that I may
not be thought to condemn Lucilius, as written in haste, I also will
give you my thoughts in verse.
"Who ere wou'd with ambitious just desire,
To mastery in so fire an art aspire,
Must all extreams first diligently shun,
And in a settled course of vertue run.
Let him not fortune with stiff greatness climb,
Nor, courtier-like, with cringes undermine:
Nor all the brother blockheads of the pot,
Ever persuade him to become a sot;
Nor flatter poets to acquire the fame
Of, I protest, a pretty gentleman.
But whether in the war he wou'd be great,
Or, in the gentler arts that rule a state;
Or, else his amorous breast he wou'd improve
Well to receive the youthful cares of love.
In his first years to poetry inclin'd,
Let Homer's spring bedew his fruitful mind;
His manlier years to manlier studies brought,
Philosophy must next imply his thought.
Then let his boundless soul new glories fire,
And to the great Demosthenes aspire.
When round in throngs the list'ning people come,
T'admire what sprung in Greece so slow at home
Rais'd to this height, your leisure hours engage
In something just and worthy of the stage;
Your choice of words from Cicero derive,
And in your poems you design shou'd live,
The joys of feasts, and terrors of a war,
More pleasing those, and these more frightful are,
When told by you, than in their acting were:
And thus, enrich'd with such a golden store,
You're truly fit to be an orator."
While I was wholly taken up with Agamemnon, I did not observe how
Ascyltos had given me the slip, and as I continu'd my diligence, a
great crowd of scholars fill'd the portico, to hear, (as it appear'd
afterwards) an extemporary declamation, of I know not whom, that was
discanting on what Agamemnon had said; while therefore they ridicul'd
his advice, and condemn'd the order of the whole, I took an
opportunity of getting from them, and ran in quest of Ascyltos: But
the hurry I was in, with my ignorance where our inn lay, so distracted
me, that what way soever I went, I return'd by the same, till tir'd in
the pursuit, and all in a sweat, I met an old herb-woman: And, "I
beseech ye, mother," quoth I, "do you know whereabouts I dwell?"
Pleas'd with the simplicity of such a home-bred jest, "Why should I
not?" answer'd she; and getting on her feet went on before me: I
thought her no less than a witch: but, having led me into a bye lane,
she threw off her pyebal'd patch't-mantle, and "here," quoth she, "you
can't want a lodging."
While I was denying I knew the house, I observ'd a company of beaux
reading the bills o'er the cells, on which was inscrib'd the name of
the whore and her price; and others of the same function naked,
scuttling it here and there, as if they would not, yet would be seen:
When too late I found my self in a bawdy-house, cursing the jade that
had trapan'd me thither, I cover'd my head and was just making off
through the midst of them, when in the very entry Ascyltos met me, but
as tir'd as my self, and in a manner dead; you'd have sworn the same
old woman brought him. I could not forbear laughing, but having
saluted each other, I ask'd what business he had in so scandalous a
place? He wip'd his face, and "if you knew," said he, "what has
happened to me--" "As what?" quoth I.
He faintly reply'd "When I had rov'd the whole city without finding
where I had left the inn, the master of this house came up to me, and
kindly profer'd to be my guide; so through many a cross lane and blind
turning, having brought me to this house, he drew his weapon and prest
for a closer ingagement. In this affliction the whore of the cell
also demanded garnish-money; and he laid such hands on me, that had I
not been too strong for him, I had gone by the worst of it."
While Ascyltos was telling his tale, in come the same fellow, with a
woman, none of the least agreeable, and looking upon Ascyltos,
entreated him to walk in and fear nothing, for if he would not be
passive he might be active: the woman on the other hand press'd me to
go in with her. We follow'd therefore, and being led among those
bills, we saw many of both sexes at work in the cells, so much every
of them seem'd to have taken a provocative.
Nor were we sooner discover'd than they wou'd have been at us with the
like impudence, and in a trice one of them, his coat tuck'd under his
girdle, laid hold on Ascyltos, and threw him athwart a couch: I
presently ran to help the undermost, and putting our strengths
together, we made nothing of the troublesome fool. Ascyltos went off,
and flying, left me expos'd to the fury; but, thanks to my strength, I
got off without hurt.
I had almost traverst the city round, when through the dusk I saw Gito
on the beggars-bench of our inn; I made up to him, and going in, ask'd
him, what Ascyltos had got us for dinner? the boy sitting down on the
bed, began to wipe the tears that stood in his eyes; I was much
concern'd at it, and ask'd him the occasion; he was slow in his
answer, and seem'd unwilling; but mixing threats with my intreaties;
"'Twas that brother or comrogue of yours," said he, "that coming ere
while into our lodging, wou'd have been at me, and put hard for it.
When I cry'd out, he drew his sword, and 'if thou art a Lucreece,'
said he, 'thou hast met a Tarquin.'"
I heard him, and shaking my fist at Ascyltos; "What saist thou," said
I, "thou catamite, whose very breath is tainted?"
He dissembled at first a great trembling, but presently throwing my
arms aside, in a higher voice cry'd out: "Must you be prating, thou
ribaldrous cut-throat whom, condemn'd for murdring thine host, nothing
but the fall of the stage could have sav'd? You make a noise, thou
night-pad, who when at thy best hadst never to do with any woman but a
bawd? On what account, think ye, was I the same to you in the aviary,
that the boy here, now is!"
"And who but you," interrupted I, "gave me that slip in the portico?"
"Why what, my Man of Gotham," continu'd he, "must I have done, when I
was dying for hunger? Hear sentence forsooth, that is, the ratling of
broken glasses, and the expounding of dreams? So help me Hercules, as
thou art the greater rogue of the two, who to get a meals meat wert
not asham'd to commend an insipid rhimer." When at last, having
turn'd the humour from scolding to laughing, we began to talk soberly.
But the late injury still sticking in my stomach, "Ascyltos," said I,
"I find we shall never agree together, therefore let's divide the
common stock, and each of us set up for himself: Thou'rt a piece of a
scholar, and I'll be no hindrance to thee, but think of some other
way; for otherwise we shall run into a thousand mischiefs, and become
town-talk."
Ascyltos was not against it; and "Since we have promis'd," said he,
"as scholars, to sup together, let's husband the night too: and
to-morrow I'll get me a new lodging, and some comrade or other."
"'Tis irksome," said I, "to defer what we like" (the itch of the flesh
occasion'd this hasty parting, tho' I had been a long time willing to
shake off so troublesome an observer of my actions, that I might renew
my old intrigue with my Gito).
Ascyltos taking it as an affront, without answering, went off in a
heat: I was too well acquainted with his subtle nature, and the
violence of his love, not to fear the effects of so suddain a breach,
and therefore made after him, both to observe his designs and prevent
them; but losing sight of him, was a long time in pursuit to no
purpose.
When I had search'd the whole town, I return'd to my lodging, where,
the ceremony of kisses ended, I got my boy to a closer hug, and,
enjoying my wishes, thought myself happy even to envy: Nor had I done
when Ascyltos stole to the door, and springing the bolt, found us at
leap-frog; upon which, clapping his hands, he fell a laughing, and
turning me out of the saddle; "What," said he, "most reverend
gentleman, what were you doing, my brother sterling?" Not content
with words only, but untying the thong that bound his wallet, he gave
me a warning, and with other reproaches, "As you like this, so be for
parting again."
The unexpectedness of the thing made me take no notice of it, but
politickly turn it off with a laugh; for otherwise I must have been at
loggar-heads with my rival: Whereas sweetening him with a counterfeit
mirth, I brought him also to laugh for company: "And you, Encolpius,"
began he, "are so wrapt in pleasures, you little consider how short
our money grows, and what we have left will turn to no account:
There's nothing to be got in town this summertime, we shall have
better luck in the country; let's visit our friends."
Necessity made me approve his advice, as well as conceal the smart of
his lash; so loading Gito with our baggage, we left the city, and went
to the house of one Lycurgus, a Roman knight; who, because Ascyltos
had formerly been his pathick, entertain'd us handsomly; and the
company, we met there, made our diversions the pleasanter: For, first
there was Tryphœna, a very beautiful woman, that had come with one
Lycas, the owner of a ship, and of a small seat, that lay next the
sea.
The delight we receiv'd in this place was more than can be exprest,
tho' Lycurgus's table was thrifty enough: The first thing was every
one to chuse his play-mate: The fair Tryphœna pleas'd me, and
readily inclin'd to me; but I had scarce given her the courtesie of
the house, when Lycas storming to have his old amour slockt from him,
accus'd me at first of under-dealing; but soon from a rival addressing
himself as a lover, he pleasantly told me, I must repair his damages,
and plyed me hotly: But Tryphœna having my heart, I could not lend
him an ear. The refusal set him the sharper; he follow'd me
where-ever I went, and getting into my chamber at night, when entreaty
did no good, he fell to downright violence; but I rais'd such an
outcry that I wak'd the whole house, and, by the help of Lycurgus, got
rid of him for that bout.
At length perceiving Lycurgus's house was not for his purpose, he
would have persuaded me to his own; but I rejecting the proffer, he
made use of Tryphœna's authority; and she the rather persuaded me
to yield to him, because she was in hopes of living more at liberty
there. I follow'd therefore whither my love led me; but Lycurgus
having renew'd his old concern with Ascyltos, wou'd not suffer him to
depart: At last we agreed, that he shou'd stay with Lycurgus, and we
go with Lycas: Over and beside which, it was concluded, that every of
us, as opportunity offer'd, should pilfer what he could for the common
stock.
Lycas was overjoy'd at my consent, and so hasten'd our departure,
that, taking leave of our friends, we arriv'd at his house the same
day. But in our passage he so order'd the matter that he sate next
me, and Tryphœna next Gito, which he purposely contriv'd to show
the notorious lightness of that woman; nor was he mistaken in her, for
she presently grew hot upon the boy: I was quickly jealous, and Lycas
so exactly remark'd it to me, that he soon confirm'd my suspicion of
her. On this I began to be easier to him, which made him all joy, as
being assur'd the unworthiness of my new mistress wou'd beget my
contempt of her, and resenting her slight, I shou'd receive him with
the better will.
So stood the matter while we were at Lycas's: Tryphœna was
desperately in love with Gito; Gito again as wholly devoted to her; I
car'd least for the sight of either of them; and Lycas studying to
please me, found me every day some new diversion: In all which also
his wife Doris, a fine woman, strove to exceed him, and that so gayly,
that she presently thrust Tryphœna from my heart: I gave her the
wink, and she return'd her consent by as wanton a twinckle; so that
this dumb rhetorick going before the tongue, secretly convey'd each
others mind.
I knew Lycas was jealous, which kept me tongue-ty'd so long, and the
love he bore his wife made him discover to her, his inclination to me:
But the first opportunity we had of talking together, she related to
me what she had learn'd from him; and I frankly confess'd it, but
withal told her how absolutely averse I had ever been to't: "Well
then," quoth the discreet woman, "we must try our wits, according to
his own opinion, the permission was one's, and the possession
another's."
By this time Gito had been worn off his legs, and was gathering new
strength, when Tryphœna came back to me, but disappointed of her
expectations, her love turn'd to a downright fury; and, all on fire
with following me to no purpose, got into my intrigue both with Lycas
and his wife: She made no account of his gamesomeness with me, as well
knowing it wou'd hinder no grist to her mill: But for Doris, she never
left till she had found out our private amours, and gave a hint of it
to Lycas; whose jealousie having got the upper hand of his love, ran
all to revenge; but Doris, advertis'd by Tryphœna's woman, to
divert the storm, forbore any such meetings.
As soon as I perceiv'd it, having curs'd the treachery of Tryphœna,
and the ingratitude of Lycas, I began to make off, and fortune
favour'd me: For a ship consecrated to the Goddess Isis, laden with
rich spoils, had the day before run upon the rocks.
Gito and I laid our heads together, and he was as willing as my self
to be gone; for Tryphœna having drawn him dry, began now not to be
so fond of him. Early the next morning therefore we march'd to
sea-ward, where with the less difficulty we got on board the ship,
because we were no strangers to Lycas's servants then in wait upon
her: They still honouring us with their company, it was not a time to
filch any thing; but, leaving Gito with them, I took an opportunity of
getting into the stern, where the image of Isis stood, and strip'd her
of a rich mantle, and silver taber, lifting other good booty out of
the master's cabin, I stole down by a rope, unseen by any but Gito;
who also gave them the slip and sculk'd after me.
As soon as I saw him I shew'd him the purchase, and both of us
resolv'd to make what haste we could to Ascyltos, but Lycurgus's house
was not to be reach'd the same day: When we came to Ascyltos we shew'd
him the prize, and told him in short the manner of getting it, and how
we were made a meer may-game of love: He advis'd us to prepossess
Lycurgus with our case, and make him our friend ere the others could
see him; and withal boldly assert it, that the trick Lycas would have
served them, was the only cause why they stole away so hastily; which
when Lycurgus came to understand, he swore he would at all times
protect us against our enemies.
Our fight was unknown till Tryphœna and Doris were got out of bed;
for we daily attended their levy, and waited on them while they were
dressing; but, when contrary to custom they found us missing, Lycas
tent after us, and especially to the sea-side, for he had heard we
made that way, but not a word of the pillage, for the ship lay
somewhat to sea-ward, and the master had not yet return'd on board.
But at last it being taken for granted we had run away, and Lycas
becoming uneasie for want of us, fell desperately foul on his wife,
whom he suppos'd to be the cause of our departure: I'll take no notice
of what words and blows past between them; I know not every
particular: I'll only say, Tryphœna, the mother of mischief, had
put Lycas in the head, that it might so be, we had taken sanctuary at
Lycurgus's, where she persuaded him to go in quest of the runnagates,
and promis'd to bear him company, that she might confound our
impudence with just reproaches.
The next day they accordingly set forward, and came to his house; but
we were out of the way: For Lycurgus was gone to a festival in honour
of Hercules, held at a neighbouring village, and had taken us with
him, of which when the others were inform'd, they made what haste they
could to us, and met us in the portico of the temple. The sight of
them very much disordered us: Lycas eagerly complained of our flight
to Lycurgus, but was received with such a bended brow, and so haughty
a look, that I grew valiant upon't, and with an open throat charg'd
him with his beastly attempts upon me, as well at Lycurgus's as in his
own house; and Tryphœna endeavouring to stop my mouth, had her
share with him, for I set out her harlotry to the mob, who were got
about us to hear the scolding: And as a proof of what I said, I shew'd
them poor sapless Gito, and my self also, whom that itch of the whore
had even brought to our graves.
The shout of the mob put our enemies so out of countenance that they
went off heavily, but contriving a revenge; and therefore observing
how we had put upon Lycurgus, they went back to expect him at his
house, and set him right again. The solemnity ending later than was
expected, we could not reach Lycurgus's that night, and therefore he
brought us to a half-way house, but left us asleep next morning, and
went home to despatch some business, where he found Lycas and
Tryphœna waiting for him, who so ordered the matter with him, that
they brought him to secure us. Lycurgus naturally barbarous and
faithless, began to contrive which way to betray us, and sent Lycas to
get some help, whilst he secured us in the village.
Thither he came, ard at his first entry, treated us as Lycas had done:
After which wringing his hands together, he upbraided us with the lye
we had made of Lycas, and taking Ascyltos from us, lock'd us up in the
room where we were, without so much as hearing him speak in our
defence; but carrying him to his house, set a guard upon us, till
himself should return.
On the road Ascyltos did what he could to mollifie Lycurgus; but
neither entreaties, nor love, nor tears doing any good on him, it came
into our comerades head to set us at liberty, and being all on fire at
Lycurgus's restiness, refus'd to bed with him that night, and by that
means the more easily put in execution what he had been thinking on.
The family was in their dead sleep when Ascyltos took our fardels on
his shoulders, and getting through a breach in the wall, which he had
formerly taken notice of, came to the village by break of day, and
meeting no one to stop him, boldly enter'd it and came up to our
chamber; which the guard that was upon us, took care to secure; but
the bar being of wood, he easily wrenched it with an iron crow, and
waken'd us; for we snor'd in spight of fortune.
Our guard had so over-watched themselves, that they were fall'n into a
dead sleep, and we only wak'd at the crack. To be short, Ascyltos
came in and briefly told us what he had done for our sakes: On this we
got up; and as we were rigging our selves, it came into my head to
kill the guard, and rifle the village; I told Ascyltos my mind. He
liked the rifling well enough, but gave us a wish'd delivery without
blood, for being acquainted with every corner of the house, he pick'd
the lock of an inner-room where the movables lay, and bringing us into
it, we lifted what was of most value, and got off while it was yet
early in the morning; avoiding the common road, and not resting till
we thought our selves out of danger.
Then Ascyltos having got heart again, began to amplifie the delight he
took in having pillag'd Lycurgus; of whose miserableness he, not
without cause, complain'd; for he neither paid him for his nights
service, nor kept a table that had either meat, or drink on't, being
such a sordid pinch-peny; that, notwithstanding his infinite wealth,
he deny'd himself the common necessaries of life.
Unhappy Tantalus, amidst the flood,
Where floating apple on the surface roll'd,
Ever pursu'd them with a longing eye,
Yet could not thurst nor hunger satisfie.
Such is the miser's fate; who midst his store,
Fearing to use, is miserably poor.
Ascyltos would have been for Naples the same day, had I not told him
how imprudent it was to take up there, where, forasmuch as could be
conjectur'd, we were most likely to be sought after: "And therefore,''
said I, "let's keep out of the way for the present, and, since we have
enough to keep us from want, stroul it about till the heat be over."
The advice was approv'd, and we set forward for a pleasant
country-town, where we were sure to meet some of our acquaintance that
were taking the benefit of the season: But we were scarce got half
way, when a shower of rain emptying it self upon us like buckets,
forc'd us into the next village; where entring the inn, we saw a great
many others that had also struck in, to avoid the storm. The throng
kept us from being taken notice of, and gave us the opportunity of
prying here and there, what we might filch in a crowd, when Ascyltos,
unheeded of any one, took a purse from the ground, in which he found
several pieces of gold; we leap'd for joy at so fortunate a beginning;
but fearing, lest some or other might seek after it, we slunk out at a
back-door, where we saw a groom saddling his horses; but, as having
forgotten somewhat, he run into the house leaving behind him an
embroider'd mantle, mail'd to one of the saddles: In his absence I cut
the straps and under the covert of some out-sheds we made off with it
to a neighbouring forest. Being more out of danger among the thickets
we cast about where we should hide the gold that we might not be
either charg'd with the felony, or robb'd of it our selves: At last we
concluded to sow it in the lining of an old patcht coat which I threw
over my shoulders and entrusted the care of the mantle to Ascyltos, in
design to get to the city by cross-ways: But as we were going out we
heard somewhat on our left hand to this purpose: "They shall not
escape us; they came into the wood; let's separate ourselves and beat
about, that we may the better discover and take them." This put us
into such a fright that Ascyltos and Gito fled through briars and
brambles to the city-ward; but I turn'd back again in such a hurry
that without perceiving it the precious coat drop'd from my shoulders:
At last being quite tir'd and not able to go any further, I laid me
down under the shelter of a tree where I first miss'd the coat: Then
grief restor'd my strength, and up I got again to try if I could
recover the treasure; I ran hither and thither and every where but to
no purpose; but spent and wasted between toil and heaviness, I got
into a thicket, where having tarried four hours, and half dead with
the horror of the place, I sought the way out; but going forward, a
country-man came in sight of me: Then I had need of all my confidence,
nor did it fail me: I went up roundly to him, and making my moan how I
had lost my self in the wood, desir'd him tell me the was to the city:
He pittying my figure (for I was as pale as death, and all bemir'd)
ask'd me if I had seen any one in the wood? I answer'd, not a
soul--on which he courteously brought me into the highway, where he
met two of his friends, who told him, they had travers'd the wood
thro' and thro' but had light upon nothing but a coat, which they
shew'd him.
It may easily be believed I had not the courage to challenge it, tho'
I knew well enough what the value of it was: This struck me more than
all the rest; however, bewailing my treasure, the country-man not
heeding me, and feebleness growing upon me, I slacken'd my pace, and
jogg'd on slower than ordinarily.
It was longer e're I reach'd the city than I thought of; but coming to
the inn, I found Ascyltos half dead, and stretcht on a straw pallet,
and fell on another my self, not able to utter a word: He missing the
coat was in a great disorder, and hastily demanded of me, what was
become of it: I on the other hand, scarce able to draw my breath,
resolv'd him by my languishing eyes, what my tongue would not give me
leave to speak: At length recovering by little and little, I plainly
told him the ill luck I had met with: But he thought I jested, and
tho' the tears in my eyes might have been as full evidence to him as
an oath, he yet questioned the truth of what I said, and would not
believe but I had a mind to cheat him. During this, Gito stood as
troubled as my self, and the boy's sadness increased mine: But the
fresh suit that was after us, distracted me most. I opened the whole
to Ascyltos who seem'd little concern'd at it, as having luckily got
off for the present, and withal assur'd himself, that we were past
danger, in that we were neither known, nor seen by any one: However,
it was thought fit to pretend a sickness, that we might have the
better pretext to keep where we were: But our monies falling shorter
than we thought of, and necessity enforcing us, we found it high time
to sell some of our pillage.
It was almost dark, when going into the brokers market, we saw
abundance of things to be bought and sold: of no extraordinary value,
'tis true; yet such whose night-walking trade, the dusk of the evening
might easily conceal. We also had the mantle with us, and taking the
opportunity of a blind corner, fell a shaking the skirt of it, to try
if so glittering a shew would bring us a purchaser; nor had we been
long there, e're a certain country-man, whom I thought I had seen
before, came up to us with a hussye that follow'd him, and began to
consider the mantle more narrowly, as on rhe other side did Ascyltos
our country chapman's shoulders, which presently startled him, and
struck him dumb, nor could my self behold 'em without being concern'd
at it, for he seemed to me to be the same fellow that had found the
coat in the wood, as in truth he was: But Ascyltos doubting whether he
might trust his eyes or not, and that he might not do any thing
rashly, first came nearer to him as a buyer, and taking the coat from
his shoulders, began to cheapen, and turn it more carefully. O the
wonderful vagaries of fortune! for the country-man had not so much as
examined a seam of it, but carelessly exposed it as beggars-booty.
Ascyltos seeing the coat unript, and the person of the seller
contemptible, took me aside from the crowd: And "Don't you see,
brother," said he, "the treasure I made such moan about is returned?
That's the coat with the gold in't, all safe and untoucht: What
therefore do we do, or what course shall we take to get our own
again?"
I now comforted, not so much that I had seen the booty, but had
clear'd my self of the suspicion that lay upon me, was by no means for
going about the bush, but down-right bringing an action against him,
that if the fellow would not give up the coat to the right owner, we
might recover it by law:
Laws bear the name, but money has the power;
The cause is bad when e'er the client's poor:
Those strickt liv'd men that seem above our world
Are oft too modest to resist our gold.
So judgment, like our other wares, is sold;
And the grave knight that nods upon the laws,
Wak'd by a fee, hems, and approves the cause.
Ascyltos on the other side afraid of the law, "Who," said he, "knows
us in this place, or will give any credit to what we say? I am clear
for buying it, tho' we know it to be our own, and rather recover the
treasure with a little money, than embroil our selves in an uncertain
suit"; but we had not above a couple of groats ready money, and that
we design'd should buy us somewhat to eat. Least therefore the coat
should be gone in the mean time, we agreed, rather than fail, to sell
the mantle at a lower price, that the advantage we got by the one,
might make what we lost by the other more easie.
As soon therefore as we had spread open the mantle, the woman that
stood muffled by the country-man, having pryingly taken notice of some
tokens about it, forceably laid both hands on't, and setting up her
throat, cryed out, "Thieves, thieves!"
We on the t'other part being disordered at it, lest yet he might seem
to do nothing, got hold of the totter'd coat, and as spitefully
roar'd, they had robb'd us of it: But our case was in no wise like
theirs, and the rabble that came in to the out-cry, ridicul'd, as they
were wont, the weaker side, in that the others laid claim to so rich a
mantle, and we to a ragged coat, scarce worth a good patch. At this
Ascyltos could hardly keep his countenance; but the noise being over,
We see, said he, how every one likes his own best, give us our coat,
and let them take the mantle.
The country-man and the woman lik'd the exchange well enough, but a
sort of petty-foggers, most of whose business was such night practice,
having a mind to get the mantle themselves, as importunately required,
that both mantle and coat should be left in their hands, and the judge
would hear their complaints on the morrow: For it was not the things
alone that seem'd to be in dispute, but quite another matter to be
enquir'd into, to wit, a strong suspicion of robbery on both sides.
At last it was agreed to put both into some indifferent hand, till the
right were determin'd; when presently one, I know not who, with a bald
pate, and a face full of pimples, he had been formerly a kind of
solicitor, steps out of the rout, and laying hold on the mantle, said
he'd be security it should be forth-coming the next day: when in truth
he intended nothing more, but that having gotten it into hucksters
hands, it might be smugled among them, as believing we would never
come to own it, for fear of being taken up for it; for our part we
were as willing as he; and an accident befriended both of us: For the
country-man thinking scorn of it, that we demanded to have the patcht
coat given us, threw it at Ascyltos's head, and discharging us of
everything but the mantle, required that to be secur'd as the only
cause of the dispute. Having therefore recovered, as we thought, our
treasure, we made all the haste we could to the inn, and having shut
the door upon us, made our selves merry, as well with the Judgment of
the rabble as of our detractors, who with so much circumspection had
restor'd us our money.
While we were ripping the coat and taking out the gold, we overheard
somebody asking mine host, what kind of people those were that had
just now come in, and being startled at it, I went down to see what
was the matter, and understood that a city serjeant, who according to
the duty of his office, took an account of all strangers, and had seen
a couple come into the inn, whose names he had not yet registered, and
therefore, inquired of what country they were, and what way of living
they had.
But mine host gave me such a blind account of it, that I began to
suspect we were not safe there; whereupon for fear of being taken up,
we thought fit to go off for the present, and not come back again till
it was in the night, but leave the care of our supper to Gito.
We had resolv'd to keep out of the broad streets, and accordingly took
our walk thro' that quarter of the city where we were likely to meet
least company; when in a narrow winding lane that had not passage
thro', we saw somewhat before us, two comely matron-like women, and
followed them at a distance to a chappel, which they entred, whence we
heard an odd humming kind of noise, as if it came from the hollow of a
cave: Curiosity also made us go in after them, where we saw a number
of women, as mad as they had been sacrificing to Bacchus, and each of
them an amulet (the ensign of Priapus) in her hand. More than that we
could not get to see; for they no sooner perceived us, than they set
up such a shout, that the roof of the temple shook agen, and withal
endeavoured to lay hands on us; but we scamper'd and made what haste
we could to the inn.
Nor had we sooner stuff'd our selves with the supper Gito had got for
us, when a more than ordinary bounce at the door, put us into another
fright; and when we, pale as death, ask'd who was there, 'twas
answer'd, "Open the door and you'll see:" While we were yet talking,
the bolt drop'd off, and the door flew open, on which, a woman with
her head muffl'd came in upon us, but the same who a little before had
stood by the country-man in the market: "And what," said she, "do you
think to put a trick upon me? I am Quartilla's maid, whose sacred
recess you so lately disturb'd: she is at the inn-gate and desires to
speak with ye: not that she either taxes your inadvertency, or has a
mind to so resent it, but rather wonders, what god brought such civil
gentlemen into her quarters."
We were silent as yet, and gave her the hearing, but inclin'd to
neither part of what she had said, when in came Quartilla herself,
attended with a young girl, and sitting down by me, fell a weeping:
nor here also did we offer a word, but stood expecting what those
tears at command meant. At last when the showre had emptied it self,
she disdainfully turn'd up her hood and clinching her fingers
together, till the joints were ready to crack, "What impudence," said
she, "is this? or where learnt ye those shamms, and that slight of
hand ye have so lately been beholding to? By my faith, young men, I
am sorry for ye; for no one beheld what was unlawful for him to see,
and went off unpunisht: and verily our part of the town has so many
deities, you'll sooner find a god than a man in't: And that you may
not think I came hither to be revenged on ye, I am more concern'd for
your youth, than the injury ye have done me: for unawares, as I yet
think, ye have committed an unexpiable abomination.
"For my part it troubled me all night, and threw me into such a
shaking, that I was afraid I had gotten a tertian, on which I took
somewhat to have made me sleep; but the god appeared to me, and
commanded me to rise and find ye out, as the likeliest way to take off
the violence of the fit. But I am not so much in pain for a remedy,
as that a greater anguish strikes me to the heart, and will
undoubtedly make an end of me, for fear in one of your youthful
frolicks, you should disclose what you saw in Priapus's chappel, and
utter the counsels of the gods among the people. Low as your knees, I
therefore lift my hands t'ye, that ye neither make sport of our
night-worship, nor dishonour the mysteries of so many years, which,
'tis not every one, even among our selves, that knows."
After this she fell a crying again, and with many a pittiful groan,
fell flat on my bed: when I at the same time, between pity and fear,
bid her take courage and assure her self of both; for that we would
neither divulge those holy mysteries; nor if the god had prescribed
her any other remedy fot her ague, be wanting our selves to assist
providence, even with our own hazard.
At this promise of mine, becoming more chearful, she fell a kissing me
thick and threefold, and turning the humour of tears into laughing,
she comb'd up some hair that hung over my face with her fingers, and,
"I come to a truce with ye," said she, "and discharge ye of the
process I intended against you: but if ye shou'd refuse me the
medicine I entreat of ye for the ague, I have fellows enough will be
ready by to morrow, that shall both vindicate my reputation, and
revenge the affront ye put upon me.
"Contempt's dishono'rable, and the giver rude,
T'advise the doctor, speaks the patient proud:
But l am mistress of my self so far,
I can pay scorn with scorn without a war:
The wise revenge is to neglect the ill,
They're not the only conquerours that kill."
Then clapping her hands together, she turn'd off to so violent a
laughter, that made us apprehensive of some design against us; the
same also did the woman that came in first, and the girl that came
with her; but so mimically, that seeing no reason for so sudden a
change, we one while star'd on one another, and otherwhile on the
woman.
At length, quoth Quartilla, "I have commanded, that no flesh alive be
suffered to come into this inn to day; that I may receive from you the
medicine for the ague without interruption."
At what time Ascyltos was a little amaz'd, and I so chill'd that I had
not power to utter a word: But the company gave me heart not to expect
worse, for they were but three women, and if they had any design, must
yet be too weak to effect it against us, who if we had nothing more of
man about us, had yet that figure to befriend us: We were all girt up
for the purpose, and I had so contriv'd the couples, that if it must
come to a rancounter, I was to make my part good with Quartilla,
Ascyltos with her woman, and Gito the girl.
While I was thus casting the matter in my head, Quartilla came up to
me, to cure me of the ague, but finding her self disappointed, flew
off in a rage, and returning in a little while, told us, there were
certain persons unknown, had a design upon us, and therefore commanded
to remove us into a noble palace.
Here all our courage fail'd us, and nothing but certain death seem'd
to appear before us.
Then I began, "If, madam, you design to be more severe with us, be yet
so kind as to dispatch it quickly; for whate'er our offence be, it is
not so hainous that we ought to be rack'd to death for it": Upon which
her woman, whose name was Psyche, spread a coverlet on the floor,
Sollicitavit inguina mea mille iam mortibus frigida. Ascyltos muffled
his head in his coat, as having had a hint given him, how dangerous it
was to take notice of what did not concern him. In the mean time
Psyche took off her garters, and with one of them bound my feet, and
with the other my hands.
Thus fetter'd as I lay, "This, madam," said I, "is not the way to rid
you of your ague." "I grant it," answer'd Psyche, "but I have a Dose
at hand will infallibly do it" and therefore brought me a lusty bowl
of satyricon, (a love-potion) and so merrily ran over the wonderful
effects of it, that I had well-nigh suck'd it all off; but because
Ascyltos had slighted her courtship, she finding his back towards her,
threw the bottom of it on him.
Ascyltos perceiving the chat was at an end, "Am not I worthy," said
he, "to get a sup?" And Psyche fearing my laughter might discover
her, clapped her hands, and told him, "Young-man I made you an offer
of it, but your friend here has drunk it all out."
"Is it so," quoth Quartilla, smiling very agreeably, "and has
Ercolpius gugg'd it all down?" At last also even Gito laught for
company, at what time the young wench flung her arms about his neck,
and meeting no resistance, half smother'd him with kisses.
We would have cry'd out, but there was no one near to help us; and as
I was offering to bid 'em keep the peace, Psyche fell a nipping and
pricking me with her bodkin: on the other side also, the young wench
half stifled Ascyltos with a dish-clout she had rubb'd in the bowl.
Lastly came leaping upon us a burdash, in a rough mantle stuck with
myrtle, girt about him; and one while almost ground our hipps to
powder with his bobbing at us, and other while slobber'd us with his
nasty kisses; till Quartilla, holding her staff of office in her hand,
discharg'd us of the service; but not without having first taken an
oath of us, that so dreadful a secret should go no further than our
selves. Then came in a company of wrestlers, and rubb'd us over with
the yolk of an egg beaten to oil: When being somewhat refresh'd, we
put on our right gowns, and were led into the next room, that had
three beds in it, all well appointed, and the rest of the
entertainment as splendidly set out. The word was given, and we sate
down, when having whet our appetites with an excellent antipast, we
swill'd our selves with the choicest of wine; nor was it long e'er we
fell a nodding. "It is so," quoth Quartilla; "can ye sleep when ye
know it is the vigil to Priapus?" at what time Ascyltos snor'd so
soundly, that Psyche, not yet forgeting the disapointment, he gave
her, all besooted his face, and scor'd down his shoulders with a burnt
sticks end.
Plagu'd with these mischiefs, I hardly got the least wink of sleep,
nor was the whole family, whether within doors or without, in a much
better condition, some lay up and down at our feet, others had run
their heads against the walls, and others lay dead asleep cross the
threshold: The lamps also having drunk up their oil, gave a thin and
last blaze.
At this instant got in a couple of pilfering rogues to have stollen
our wine; but while they fell a scuffling among some silver vessels
that stood upon the table, they broke the earthen pot that held the
wine, and overthrew the table, with the plate on it, and at the same
time also, a cup falling off the shelf on Psyche's bed, broke her head
as she lay fast asleep; on which he cry'd out, and therewith
discovered the thieves, and wak'd some of the drunkards: The thieves
on the other hand finding themselves in a pound, threw themselves on
one of the beds, as some of the guests, and fell a snoring like the
rest. The usher of the hall being by this time got awake, put some
more oil in the dying lamps; and the boys, having rubb'd their eyes,
return'd to their charge, when in came a woman that play'd on the
harp, and ratling its strings, rous'd all the rest: On which the
banquet was renew'd, and Quartilla gave the word, to go on where we
left (that is drinking): The she harper also added not a little to our
midnight revel.
At last bolted in a shameless rascal, one of no grace either in words
or gesture, and truly worthy of the house where he was; he also set up
his voice, 'till apishly composing himself, as if he intended somewhat
to the company, he mouth'd out these verses:
O yes! Now tumblers with your wanton tricks,
Make haste, move your legs quick, make the ground drum;
With wanton arms, soft thighs, and active hips,
The old, the tender, and the sweetly young.
Consumptis versibus suis immundissimo me basio conspuit. Mox et super
lectum venit atque omni vi detexit recusantem. Super inguina mea diu
multumque frustea moluit. Profluebant per frontem sudantem acaciae
rivi, et inter rugas malarum tantum erat cretae, ut putares detectum
parictum nimbo laborare. Non tenui ego diutius lacrimas, sed ad
ultiman, perductus tristitiam. "Quaeso," inquam, "domina, certe
embasicoetan iusseras dari." Complosit illa tenerius manus et "O"
inquit "homincm acutum atque urbanitatis vernaculae fontem. Quid? tu
non intellexeras cinaedum embasicoetan vocari?" Deinde ut
contubernali meo melius succederet, "Per fidem" inquam "vestram,
Ascyltos in hoc triclinio solus ferias aglt?" "Ita" inquit Quartilla
"et Ascylto embasicoetas detur." Ab hoc voce equum cinaedus mutavit
transituque ad comitem meum facto clunibus eutn basiisque distrivit.
Stabat inter haec Giton et risu disolvebat ilia sua. Itaque
conspicata eum Quartilla, cuius esset puer, diligentissima
sciscitatione quaesivit. Cum ego fratrem meum esse dixissem, "Quare
ergo" inquit "me non basiavit?" Vocatumque ad se in osculum
applicuit. Mox manum etiam demisit in sinum et pertrectato vasculo
tam rudi "Haec" inquit "belle cras in promulside libidinis nostrae
militabit: hodie enim post asellum diari non sumo." With that Psyche
came tittering to her, and having whispered I know not what in her
ear, Thou art in the right, quoth Quartilla, 'twas well thought on;
and since we have so fine an opportunity, why should not our Pannychis
lose her maidenhead? And forthwith was brought in a pretty young
girl, that seem'd not to be above seven years of age, and was the same
that first came into our room with Quartilla: All approv'd it with a
general clap, ard next desiring it, a wedding was struck up between
the boy and her. For my part I stood amaz'd, and assur'd them, that
neither Gito, a bashful lad, was able for the drudgery, nor the girl
of years to receive it. "Ita," inquit Quartilla, "minor eat ista quam
ego fui, quum primum virum passa sum? Iunonem meam iratam habeam, si
umquam me meminerim virginem fuisse. Nam et infans cum paribus
inclinata sum, et subinde procedentibus annis maioribus me pueris
applicui, donec ad hanc aetatem perveni. Hinc etiam puto proverbium
natum illud, ut dicatur posse taurum tollere, qui vitulum sustulerit."
Least therefore my comrade might run a greater hazard, I got up to the
wedding.
And now Psyche put a flame-colour veil on the girl's head; the pathick
led before with a flamboe, and a long train of drunken women, fell a
shouting, and drest up the bride-chamber; Quartilla, all a-gog as the
rest, took hold of Gito and dragg'd him in with her: But truly the boy
made no resistance; nor seem'd the girl frighted at the name of
matrimony. When therefore they were lockt up, we sat without, before
the threshold of the chamber; and Quartilla having waggishly slit a
chink thro' the door, as wantonly laid an ape's eye to it; nor content
with that, pluck't me also to see that childs play, and when we were
not peeping, would turn her lips to me, and steal a kiss.
The jade's fulsomeness had so tir'd me that I began to devise which
was to get off. I told Ascyltos my mind, and he was well pleased with
it, for he was a willing to get rid of his torment, Psyche: Nor was it
hard to be done, if Gito had not been lockt up in the chamber; for we
were resolved to take him with us, and not leave him the mercy of a
bawdy-house. While we were contriving how to effect it, it so
happened that Pannychis fell out of bed, and drew Gito after her,
without any hurt, though the girl got a small knock in the fall, and
therewith made such a cry, that Quartilla, all in a fright, ran
headlong in, and gave us the opportunity of getting off, and taking
the boy with us; when without more ado, we flew to our inn, and
getting to bed, past the rest of the night without fear.
But going out the next day, whom should we meet but two of those
fellows that robb'd us of the mantle, which Ascyltos perceiving, he
briskly attack'd one of them, and having disarm'd and desperately
wounded him, came in to my relief; who was pressing upon the other,
but he behav'd himself so well, that he wounded us both, altho' but
slightly, and got off himself without so much as a scratch.
And now came the third day, that is the expectation of an
entertainment at Trimalchio's, where every one might speak what he
would: But having received some wounds, we thought flight might be of
more use to us than sitting still: We got to our inn therefore, as
fast as we could, and our wounds not being great, cured them as we lay
in bed, with wine and oyl.
But the rogue whom Ascyltos had hewn down, lay in the street, and we
were in fear of being discovered, while therefore we were pensively
considering which way to avoid the impending storm, a servant of
Agamemnon's interrupted our fears: "And do not ye know," said he,
"with whom we eat to-day? Trimalchio, a trim finical humorist has a
clock in his dining-room, and one on purpose to let him know how many
minutes of his life he had lost." We therefore drest our selves
carefully, and Gito willingly taking upon him the part of a servant,
as he had hither to done, we bade him put our things together, and
follow us to the bath.
Being in the mean time got ready, we walk'd we knew not where, or
rather, having a mind to divert us, struck into a tennis-court, where
we saw an old bald-pated fellow in a carnation-colour'd coat, playing
at ball with a company of boys, nor was it so much the boys, tho' it
was worth our while, that engaged us to be lookers on as the master of
the house himself in pumps, who altogether tossed the ball, and never
struck it after it once came to the ground, but had a servant by him,
with a bag full of them, ard enough for all that play'd.
We observed also some new things; for in the gallery stood two
eunuchs, one of whom held a silver chamber-pot, the other counted the
balls, not those they kept tossing, but such as fell to the ground.
While we admir'd the humour, one Menelaus came up to us, and told us
we were come where we must set up for the night, and we had seen the
beginning of our entertainment. As he was yet talking, Trimalchio
snapp'd his fingers, at which sign the eunuch held the chamber-pot to
him as he was playing; then calling for water, he dipped the tips of
his fingers in it, and dry'd them on the boys head. 'Twould be too
long to recount every thing: We went into the hot-house, and having
sweated a little, into the cold bath; and while Trimalchio was
anointed from head to foot with a liquid perfume, and rubb'd clean
again, not with linnen but with finest flannen, his three chyrurgeons
ply'd the muscadine, but brawling over their cups; Trimalchio said it
was his turn to drink; then wrapt in a scarlet mantle, he was laid on
a litter born by six servants, with four lacqueys in rich liveries
running before him, and by his side a sedan, in which was carried his
darling, a stale bleer-eyed catamite, more ill-favoured than his
master Trimalchio; who at they went on, kept close to his ear with a
flagellet as if he had whispered him, and made him musick all the way.
Wondering, we followed, and, with Agamemnon, came to the gate, on
which hung a tablet with this inscription:
WHAT EVER SERVANT GOES FORTH WITHOUT HIS MASTER'S COMMAND, HE SHALL
RECEIVE AN HUNDRED STRIPES.
In the porch stood the porter in a green livery, girt about with a
cherry-coloured girdle, garbling of pease in a silver charger; and
over head hung a golden cage with a magpye in it, which gave us an All
Hail as we entred: But while I was gaping at these things, I had like
to have broken my neck backward, for on the left hand, not far from
the porter's lodge, there was a great dog in a chain painted on the
wall, and over him written in capital letters, BEWARE THE DOG. My
companions could not forbear laughing; bur I recollecting my spirits,
pursued my design of going to the end of the wall; it was the draught
of a market-place where slaves were bought and sold with bills over
them: There was also Trimalchio with a white staff in his hand, and
Minerva with a train after her entring Rome: Then having learnt how to
cast accompt, he was made auditor; all exquisitely painted with their
proper titles; and at the end of the gallery Mercury lifting him by
the chin, and placing him on a judgment-seat. Fortune stood by him
with a cornucopia, and the three fatal sisters winding a golden
thread.
I observed also in the same place a troop of light-horsemen, with
their commander exercising them, as also a large armory, in one of the
angles of which stood a shrine with the gods of the house in silver, a
marble statue of Venus, and a large golden box, in which it was said
he kept the first shavings of his beard. Then asking the servant that
had the charge of these things, what pictures those were in the
middle? The Iliads and the Odysses, said he, and on the left-hand two
spectacles of sword-playing. We could not bestow much time on it, for
by this time we were coming to the dining-room, in the entry of which
sate his steward, taking every one's account: But what I most admir'd,
were those bundles of rods, with their axes, that were fastned to the
sides of the door, and stood, as it were, on the brazen prow of a
ship, on which was written,
TO CAIUS POMPEIUS TRIMALCHIO OF PRÆTORIAN DIGNITY; CINNAMUS THE
STEWARD.
Under the same title also, hung a lamp of two lights from the roof of
the room, and two tablets on either side of the door; of which one, if
I well remember, had this inscription,
THE THIRD AND SECOND OF THE KALENDS OF JANUARY, OUR PATRON CAIUS EATS
ABROAD.
On the other was represented the course of the moon, and the seven
stars; and what days were lucky, what unlucky, with an emboss'd studd
to distinguish the one from the other.
Full of this sensuality we were now entring the room, where one of his
boys, set there for that purpose, call'd aloud to us, "ADVANCE
ORDERLY." Nor is it to be doubted, but we were somewhat concern'd for
fear of breaking the orders of the place. But while we were footing
it accordingly, a servant stript off his livery, fell at our feet, and
besought us to save him a whipping; for he said his fault was no great
matter, but that some cloaths of the stewards had been stolen from him
in the bath, and all of them not worth eighteen-pence.
We returned therefore in good order, and finding the steward in the
counting-house telling some gold, besought him to remit the servant's
punishment: When putting on an haughty face, "It is not," said he,
"the loss of the thing troubles me, but the negligence of a careless
rascal. He has lost me the garments I sate at table in, and which a
client of mine presented me on my birth-day: no man can deny them to
be right purple, tho' not double dye; yet whatever it be, I grant your
request."
Having receiv'd so great a favour, as we were entring the dining-room,
the servant for whom we had been suitors, met us, and kissing us, who
stood wondring what the humour meant, over and over gave us thanks for
our civility; and in short told us we should know by and by, whom it
was we had oblig'd: The wine which our master keeps for his own
drinking, is the waiters kindness.
At length we sate down, when a bigger and sprucer sort of boys coming
about us, some of them poured snow-water on our heads, and others
par'd the nails of our feet, with a mighty dexterity, and that not
silently, but singing as it were by the bye: I resolved to try if the
whole family sang; and therefore called for drink, which one of the
boys a readily brought me with an odd kind of tune; and the same did
every one as you asked for any thing: You'd have taken it for a Morris
dancers hall, not the table of a person of quality.
Then came a sumptuous antepast; for we were all seated, but only
Trimalchio, for whom, after a new fashion, the chief place was
reserv'd. Besides that, as a part of the entertainment, there was set
by us a large vessel of metheglin, with a pannier, in the one part of
which were white olives, in the other black; two broad platters
covered the vessel, on the brims of which were engraven Trimalchio's
name, and the weight of the silver, with little bridges soldered
together, and on them dormice strew'd over with honey and poppy: There
were also piping-hot sausages on a silver gridiron, and under that
large damsons, with the kernels of pomegranats.
In this condition were we when Trimalchio himself was waddled into the
consort; and being close bolster'd with neck-cloaths and pillows to
keep off the air, we could not forbear laughing unawares: For his bald
pate peep'd out of a scarlet mantle, and over the load of cloaths he
lay under, there hung an embroidered towel, with purple tassels and
fringes dingle dangle about it: He had also on the little finger of
his left hand, a large gilt ring, and on the outmost joint of the
finger next it, one lesser, which I took for all gold; but at last it
appeared to be jointed together with a kind of stars of steel. And
that we might see these were not all his bravery, he stripp'd his
right arm, on which he wore a golden bracelet, and an ivory circle,
bound together with a glittering locket and a meddal at the end of it:
Then picking his teeth with a silver pin, "I had not, my friends,"
said he, "any inclination to have come among you so soon, but fearing
my absence might make you wait too long, I deny'd myself my own
satisfaction; however suffer me to make an end of my game": There
followed him a boy with an inlaid table and christal dice; and I took
notice of one thing more pleasant than the rest; for instead of black
and white counters, his were all silver and gold pieces of money.
In the mean time while he was squandering his heap at play, and we
were yet picking a relish here and there, a cupboard was brought in
with a basket, in which was a hen carved in wood, her wings lying
round and hollow, as sitting on brood; when presently the consort
struck up, and two servants fell a searching the straw under her, and
taking out some peahens eggs, distributed them among the company: At
this Trimalchio changing countenance, "I commanded my friends," said
he "the hen to be set with peahens eggs; and so help me Hercules, am
afraid they may be half hatcht: however we'll try if they are yet
suppable."
The thing we received was a kind of shell of at least six pounds
weight, made of paste, and moulded into the figure of an egg, which we
easily broke; and for my part, I was like to have thrown away my
share; for it seemed to me to have a chick in it; till hearing an old
guest of the tables saying, it was some good bit or other, I searched
further into it, and found a delicate fat wheatear in the middle of a
well-pepper'd yolk: On this Trimalchio stopped his play for a while,
and requiring the like for himself, proclaim'd, if any of us would
have any more metheglin, he was at liberty to take it; when of a
sudden the musick gave the sign, and the first course was scrabled
away by a company of singers and dancers; but in the rustle it
happening that a dish fell on the door, a boy took it up, and
Trimalchio taking notice of it, pluck'd him by the ears, and commanded
him to throw it down again; on which the groom of the chamber came
with a broom and swept away the silver dish, with whatsoever else had
fallen from the table.
When presently came in two long-hair'd blacks, with small leather
bottles, such as with which they strew sand on the stage, and gave us
wine to wash our hands, but no one offered us water. We all admiring
the finicalness of the entertainment, "Mars," said he, "is a lover of
justice, and therefore let every one have a table to himself, for
having more elbow-room, these nasty stinking boys will be less
troublesome to us"; and thereupon large double-eared vessels of glass
close plaistered over, were brought up with labels about their necks,
upon which was this inscription: