Awake among strangers--Dr. Robertson--Imprisoned as a
vagrant--Introduction to my mother--Stay in her house--Removal from it
to Mrs. McDonald's--Return to my mother's--Desire to get to New
York--Arrangements for going.
How long I remained in the canal I knew not; but in about three
minutes, as I conjectured, I felt a severe blow on my right side; and
opening my eyes I saw myself surrounded by men, who talked a great
deal, and expressed much anxiety and curiosity about me. They enquired
of me my name, where I lived, and why I had thrown myself into the
water: but I would not answer a word. The blow which I had felt, and
which was probably the cause of bringing me for a few moments to my
senses, I presume was caused by my falling, after I was rescued, upon
the stones, which lay thickly scattered near the water. I remember that
the persons around me continued to press me with questions, and that I
still remained silent. Some of them having observed the little
medallion on my neck, and being able to read, declared I was probably
the daughter of Dr. Robertson, as it bore the name; but to this, I also
gave no answer, and sunk again into a state of unconsciousness.
When my senses once more returned, I found myself lying in a bed
covered up warm, in a house, and heard several persons talking of the
mass, from which they had just returned. I could not imagine where I
was, for my thoughts were not easily collected, and every thing seemed
strange around me. Some of them, on account of the name on the little
medallion, had sent to Dr. Robertson, to inform him that a young woman
had been prevented from drowning herself in the basin, who had a
portrait on her neck, with his family name stamped upon it; and he had
sent word, that although she could be no relation of his, they had
better bring her to his house, as he possibly might be able to learn
who she was. Preparations were therefore made to conduct me thither;
and I was soon in his house. This was about midday, or a little later.
The doctor endeavored to draw from me some confession of my family: but
I refused; my feelings would not permit me to give him any
satisfaction. He offered to send me to my home if I would tell him
where I lived; but at length, thinking me unreasonable and obstinate,
began to threaten to send me to jail.
In a short time I found that the latter measure was determined on, and
I was soon put into the hands of the jailer, Captain Holland, and
placed in a private room in his house.
I had formerly been acquainted with his children, but had such strong
reasons for remaining unknown, that I hoped they would not recognise
me; and, as we had not met for several years I flattered myself that
such would be the case. It was, at first, as I had hoped; they saw me
in the evening, but did not appear to suspect who I was. The next
morning, however, one of them asked me if I were not sister of my
brother, mentioning his name; and though I denied it, they all insisted
that I must be, for the likeness, they said, was surprisingly strong. I
still would not admit the truth; but requested they would send for the
Rev. Mr. Esson, a Presbyterian clergyman in Montreal, saying I had
something to say to him. He soon made his appearance and I gave him
some account of myself and requested him to procure my release from
confinement, as I thought there was no reason why I should be deprived
of my liberty.
Contrary to my wishes, however, he went and informed my mother. An
unhappy difference had existed between us for many years concerning
which I would not speak, were it not necessary to allude to it to
render some things intelligible which are important to my narrative. I
am willing to bear much of the blame: for my drawing part of her
pension had justly irritated her. I shall not attempt to justify or
explain my own feelings with respect to my mother, whom I still regard
at least in some degree as I ought. I will merely say, that I thought
she indulged in partialities and antipathies in her family during my
childhood; and that I attribute my entrance into the nunnery, and the
misfortunes I have suffered, to my early estrangement from home, and my
separation from the family. I had neither, seen her nor heard from her
in several years; and I knew not whether she had even known of my
entrance into the Convent, although I now learnt, that she still
resided where she formerly did.
It was therefore with regret that I heard that my mother had been
informed of my condition; and that I saw an Irishwoman, an acquaintance
of hers, come to take me to the house. I had no doubt that she would
think I had disgraced her, by being imprisoned, as well as by my
attempt to drown myself; and what would be her feelings towards me, I
could only conjecture.
I accompanied the woman to my mother's, and found nearly such a
reception as I had expected. Notwithstanding our mutual feelings were
much as they had been, she wished me to stay with her, and kept me in
one of her rooms for several weeks, and with the utmost privacy,
fearing that my appearance would lead to questions, and that my
imprisonment would become known. I soon satisfied myself that she knew
little of what I had passed through, within the few past years; and did
not think it prudent to inform her, for that would greatly have
increased the risk of my being discovered by the priests. We were
surrounded by those who went frequently to confession, and would have
thought me a monster of wickedness, guilty of breaking the most solemn
vows, and a fugitive from a retreat which is generally regarded there
as a place of great sanctity, and almost like a gate to heaven. I well
knew the ignorance and prejudices of the poor Canadians, and understood
how such a person as myself must appear in their eyes. They felt as I
formerly had, and would think it a service to religion, and to God, to
betray the place of my concealment if by chance they should find, or
even suspect it. As I had become in the eyes of Catholics, "a spouse of
Jesus Christ," by taking the veil, my leaving the Convent must appear
to them a forsaking of the Saviour.
As things were, however, I remained for some time undisturbed. My
brother, though he lived in the house, did not know of my being there
for a fortnight.
When he learnt it, and came to see me, he expressed much kindness
towards me: but I had not seen him for several years, and had seen so
much evil, that I knew not what secret motives he might have, and
thought it prudent to be reserved. I, therefore, communicated to him
nothing of my history or intentions, and rather repulsed his advances.
The truth is, I had been so long among nuns and priests, that I thought
there was no sincerity or virtue on earth.
What were my mother's wishes or intentions towards me, I was not
informed: but I found afterwards, that she must have made arrangements
to have me removed from her house, for one day a woman came to the door
with a cariole, and on being admitted to see me, expressed herself in a
friendly manner, spoke of the necessity of air and exercise for my
health, and invited me to take a ride. I consented, supposing we should
soon return: but when we reached St. Antoine suburbs, she drove up to a
house which I had formerly heard to be some kind of refuge, stopped,
and requested me to alight. My first thought was, that I should be
exposed to certain detection, by some of the priests whom I presumed
officiated there; as they had all known me in the nunnery. I could not
avoid entering; but I resolved to feign sickness, hoping thus to be
placed out of sight of the priests.
The result was according to my wishes: for I was taken to an upper
room, which was used as an infirmary, and there permitted to remain.
There were a large number of women in the house; and a Mrs. M'Donald,
who has the management of it, had her daughters in the Ursuline Nunnery
at Quebec, and her son in the college. The nature of the establishment
I could not fully understand: but it seemed to me designed to become a
nunnery at some future time.
I felt pretty safe in the house; so long as I was certain of remaining
in the infirmary; for there was nobody there who had ever seen me
before. But I resolved to avoid, if possible, ever making my appearance
below, for I felt that I could not do it without hazard of discovery.
Among other appendages of a Convent which I observed in that place, was
a confessional within the building, and I soon learnt, to my dismay,
that Father Bonin, one of the murderers of Saint Francis, was in the
habit of constant attendance as priest and confessor. The recollections
which I often indulged in of scenes in the Hotel Dieu, gave me
uneasiness and distress: but not knowing where to go to seek greater
seclusion, I remained in the infirmary week after week, still affecting
illness in the best manner I could. At length I found that I was
suspected of playing off a deception with regard to the state of my
health; and at the close of a few weeks, I became satisfied that I
could not remain longer without making my appearance below stairs. I at
length complied with the wishes I heard expressed, that I would go into
the community-room, where those in health were accustomed to assemble
to work, and then some of the women began to talk of my going to
confession. I merely expressed unwillingness at first; but when they
pressed the point, and began to insist, my fear of detection overcame
every other feeling, and I plainly declared that I would not go. This
led to an altercation, when the mistress of the house pronounced me
incorrigible, and said she would not keep me for a hundred pounds a
year. She, in fact, became so weary of having me there, that she sent
to my mother to take me away.
My mother, in consequence, sent a cariole for me, and took me again
into her house; but I became so unhappy in a place where I was secluded
and destitute of all agreeable society, that I earnestly requested her
to allow me to leave Canada. I believe she felt ready to have me
removed to a distance, that she might not be in danger of having my
attempt at self-destruction, and my confinement in prison made public.
There was a fact which I had not disclosed, and of which all were
ignorant: viz., that which had so much influence in exciting me to
leave the Convent, and to reject every idea of returning to it.
When conversing with my mother about leaving Canada, I proposed to go
to New York. She inquired why I wished to go there. I made no answer to
that question: for, though I had never been there, and knew scarcely
anything about the place, I presumed that I should find protection from
my enemies, as I knew it was in a Protestant country. I had not thought
of going to the United States before, because I had no one to go with
me, nor money enough to pay my expenses; but then a plan presented
itself to my mind, by which I thought I might proceed to New York in
safety.
There was a man who I presumed would wish to have me leave Canada, on
his own account; and that was the man I had so precipitately married
while residing at St. Denis. He must have had motives, as I thought,
for wishing me at a distance. I proposed therefore that he should be
informed that I was in Montreal, and anxious to go to the States; and
such a message was sent to him by a woman whom my mother knew.
[Footnote: Mrs. Tarbert, or M'Gan. See her affidavit. What house she
refers to I cannot conjecture.] She had a little stand for the sale of
some articles, and had a husband who carried on some similar kind of
business at the Scotch mountain. Through her husband, as I suppose, she
had my message conveyed, and soon informed me that arrangements were
made for my commencing my journey, under the care of the person to whom
it had been sent.