Start for Quebec--Recognised--Disappointed again--Not permitted to
land--Return to Montreal--Landed and passed through the city before
day--Lachine Canal--Intended close of my life.
Soon after we left the shore, the captain, whom I had previously seen,
appeared to recognise me.
He came up and inquired if I was not the daughter of my mother,
mentioning her name. I had long been taught and accustomed to deceive;
and it may be supposed that in such a case I did not hesitate to deny
the truth, hoping that I might avoid being known, and fearing to be
defeated in my object. He however persisted that he knew me, and said
he must insist on my returning with him to Montreal, adding that I must
not leave his boat to land at Quebec. I said but little to him, but
intended to get on shore if possible, at the end of our journey--a
thing I had no doubt I might effect.
When we reached Quebec, however I found, to my chagrin, that the
ladies' maid carefully locked the cabin-door while I was in, after the
ladies had left it, who were six or eight in number.
I said little, and made no attempts to resist the restriction put upon
me; but secretly cherished the hope of being able, by watching an
opportunity, to slip on shore at tea-time, and lose myself among the
streets of the city. Although a total stranger to Quebec, I longed to
be at liberty there, as I thought I could soon place myself among
persons who would secure me from the Catholics, each of whom I now
looked upon as an enemy.
But I soon found that my last hopes were blighted: the maid, having
received, as I presumed, strict orders from the captain, kept me
closely confined, so that escape was impossible. I was distressed, it
is true, to find myself in this condition; but I had already become
accustomed to disappointments, and therefore perhaps sunk less under
this new one, than I might otherwise have done. When the hour for
departure arrived, I was therefore still confined in the steamboat, and
it was not until we had left the shore that I was allowed to leave the
cabin. The captain and others treated me with kindness in every
respect, except that of permitting me to do what I most desired. I have
sometimes suspected, that he had received notice of my escape from some
of the priests, with a request to stop my flight, if I should go on
board his boat. His wife is a Catholic, and this is the only way in
which I can account for his conduct: still I have not sufficient
knowledge of his motives and intentions to speak with entire confidence
on the subject.
My time passed heavily on board of the steamboat, particularly on my
passage up the river towards Montreal. My mind was too much agitated to
allow me to sleep, for I was continually meditating on the scenes I had
witnessed in the Convent, and anticipating with dread such as I had
reason to think I might soon be called to pass through. I bought for a
trifle while on board, I hardly know why, a small medallion with a head
upon it, and the name of Robertson, which I hung on my neck. As I sat
by day with nothing to do, I occasionally sunk into a doze for a few
minutes, when I usually waked with a start from some frightful dream.
Sometimes I thought I was running away from the priests, and closely
pursued, and sometimes had no hope of escape. But the most distressing
of my feelings were those I suffered in the course of the night. We
stopped some time at Berthier, where a number of prisoners were taken
on board, to be carried up the river; and this caused much confusion,
and added to my painful reflections.
My mind became much agitated, worse than it had been before; and what
between waking fears, and sleeping visions, I spent a most wretched
night. Sometimes I thought the priests and nuns had me shut up in a
dungeon; sometimes they were about to make away with me in a most cruel
manner. Once I dreamed that I was in some house, and a coach came up to
the door, into which I was to be put by force; and the man who seized
me, and was putting me in, had no head.
When we reached Montreal on Saturday morning, it was not daylight; and
the captain, landing, set off as I understood, to give my mother
information that I was in his boat. He was gone a long time, which led
me to conjecture that he might have found difficulty in speaking with
her; but the delay proved very favourable to me, for perceiving that I
was neither locked up nor watched, I hastened on shore, and pursued my
way into the city. I felt happy at my escape: but what was I then to
do? Whither could I go? Not to my mother: I was certain I could not
remain long with her, without being known to the priests.
My friendlessness and utter helplessness, with the dread of being
murdered in the Convent, added to thoughts of the shame which must
await me if I lived a few months, made me take a desperate resolution,
and I hurried to put it into effect.
My object was to reach the head of the Lachine Canal, which is near the
St. Lawrence, beyond the extremity of the southern suburbs. I walked
hastily along St. Paul's street, and found all the houses still shut;
then turning to the old Recollet Church, I reached Notre-Dame street,
which I followed in the direction I wished to go.
The morning was chilly, as the season was somewhat advanced: but that
was of no importance to me. Day had appeared, and I desired to
accomplish the object on which I was now bent, before the light should
much increase. I walked on, therefore, but the morning had broken
bright before I arrived at the Canal; and then I found to my
disappointment that two Canadians were at work on the hank, getting
water, or doing something else.
I was by the great basin where the boats start, and near the large
canal storehouse. I have not said what was my design; it was to drown
myself.
Fearing the men would rescue me, I hesitated for some time, hoping they
would retire: but finding that they did not, I grew impatient. I stood
looking on the water; it was nearly on a level with the banks, which
shelved away, as I could perceive, for some distance, there being no
wind to disturb the surface. There was nothing in the sight which
seemed frightful or even forbidding to me; I looked upon it as the
means of the easiest death, and longed to be buried below. At length
finding that the men were not likely to leave the place, I sprung from
the bank, and was in an instant in the cold water. The shock was very
severe. I felt a sharp freezing sensation run through me, which almost
immediately rendered me insensible; and the last thing I can recollect
was, that I was sinking in the midst of water almost as cold as ice,
which wet my clothes, and covered me all over.