_The Author’s Banishment to the_ +Firmament+.
I have hitherto said nothing concerning the strange and very singular
Punishment the _Potuans_ have, of banishing to the Firmament: Wherefore
I think myself oblig’d in this Place, to give some Account of it.
Twice every Year certain Birds of an enormous Magnitude appear upon
this Globe. They are call’d _Cupac_, that is to say, Birds of Post,
and at stated Seasons they come and go. It has long perplex’d the
Subterranean Naturalists to account for this periodical Visit. Some
think they descend upon this Planet in Quest of certain Insects, or
large Flies, of which there are prodigious Numbers about this Time of
the Year, and of which these Birds are exceedingly voracious. This
Opinion is strengthen’d by this Circumstance, that when these Flies
disappear, the Birds fly off towards the Firmament. An evident Proof of
this we have in other Countries, where Birds by the same Instinct of
Nature appear, and for the very same Causes. Others think that these
Birds are train’d up and instructed to this very End and Purpose by
the Inhabitants of the Firmament, like our Falcons and other Birds of
Prey. This Hypothesis receives some Countenance from that Tenderness,
Care, and Dexterity, which these Birds use in bringing home their Prey,
and laying it gently down before their Masters. Other Circumstances
also shew, that these Creatures are either thus instructed, or else
that they have a certain Portion of Reason to direct them; for at the
Approach of the Season of _Departure_, they are so tractable and tame,
that they suffer certain Nets, or small Chains, to be thrown over them,
under which they lie quiet for many Days, and are fed out of Hand by
the Inhabitants with the aforesaid Flies, of which they take Care to
provide a great Quantity for this very Purpose. For it is necessary
to keep feeding them till all Things are prepar’d and got ready for
those who are to be banish’d. The Apparatus for their Departure is as
follows: On those Nets, in which they are intangled, a Box or Cage is
fasten’d with Cords. Every Cage is capable of containing one Person.
The Time now drawing near, and the Insects failing which supply’d them
with Food, the Birds mount upon Wing, and cutting the Air, return to
the Place from whence they came. Such was this wonderful Passage, by
which I and several other Exiles were to be translated to a new World.
There were also at this Time two Citizens of _Potu_, who for different
Crimes were sentenc’d to Banishment, and were now preparing for their
Journey. One of these was a Metaphysician, who had incurr’d this
Punishment by disputing concerning the Essence of God, and the Nature
of spiritual Substances. He had satisfy’d the Law for his first Offence
of this Kind, by undergoing the Punishment of _the Arm_; but being a
second Time detected, he was condemn’d to be banish’d to the Firmament.
The other was a Fanatick, who having conceiv’d some Doubts concerning
Religion, and concerning the civil Rights of the State, attempted to
subvert the Foundations of each. He refus’d to obey the publick Laws,
under Pretence that such Obedience was contrary to the Dictates of his
Conscience. His Friends endeavour’d, by the most powerful Arguments,
to cure him of this Conceit, by shewing him how many Delusions these
Impulses of Conscience and imaginary Inspirations were subject to;
they told him, that Zeal and Conscience were often confounded with
Melancholy and certain corrupt Humours of the Body; they demonstrated
to him the egregious Folly of thus appealing to the Authority of
Conscience, and how unjust it was to contend that the Impulses of
his Mind should be a Rule to others, who might make use of the same
Argument, and oppose Conscience to Conscience. At last they prov’d to
him, that whoever firmly held this Principle, pretending Conscience for
his Disobedience, ought to be excluded from the Rights and Benefits
of the Community, since every good Subject should pay an implicit
Obedience to the Laws; but that a Fanatick neither cou’d nor wou’d pay
such an Obedience, since his Conscience was his sole Rule of Politicks.
But as these Reasons had no Effect upon the Mind of our Fanatick, he
continued obstinate and incorrigible, and so was condemn’d to the
Firmament. Thus at this Time there were only three of us to undergo
this Punishment, a Projector, a Metaphysician, and a Fanatick.
About the Beginning of the Month of _Birches_, we were all carry’d
from Prison to separate Places. What became of the Metaphysician and
the Fanatick I know not, as being too full of Cares for myself to mind
any Thing else. Being brought to the destin’d Place of Departure, I
was forthwith thrust into the Box or Cage, with as much Provision as
would serve me for two or three Days. Soon after this, when the Birds
found no more Flies brought them, as if they took the Hint, they left
the Place, and flew off with incredible Celerity. The Distance of the
Firmament from the Planet _Nazar_, is reputed by the Subterraneans to
be about an hundred Miles. How long I was in passing from the one to
the other I cannot say, but to me this ætherial Voyage seem’d to be
no more than about four and twenty Hours. After a profound Silence,
at last a confus’d Noise seem’d to reach my Ears, from whence I
conjectur’d I was not far from Land. Then it was I perceiv’d that these
Birds had been carefully exercis’d and instructed; for with great Art
and Care they landed their Burden, so as not in the least to injure
or hurt it. In a Moment I was surrounded with a prodigious Number of
Monkies, the Sight of which put me into a very great Fright, remembring
what I had suffer’d from these Animals upon the Planet _Nazar_. But my
Fright redoubled, when I heard these Monkies articulately discourse
with one another, and when I beheld them clad in diverse-colour’d
Vestments. I then conjectur’d that they were the Inhabitants of this
Country. But as after that Heap of Wonders I had been accustom’d to,
nothing now could well seem new or strange, I began to recover my
Courage, especially as I had observ’d that these Creatures approach’d
me with an Air of Civility and Good-nature, taking me gently out of
my Cage, and receiving me with the Humanity due to Strangers. Even
Ambassadors in our World are hardly receiv’d with more Ceremony than I
was. They all came one after another, and address’d me in these Words,
_Pul Asser_. When they had repeated this Salutation pretty often, I
repeated the same Words. Upon this they set up an immoderate Laugh, and
by a Multitude of comic Gestures, signify’d they were highly delighted
to hear me pronounce them. This made me conclude these People to be a
light, babbling Race of Creatures, and vast Admirers of Novelty. When
they spoke, you wou’d think so many Drums were beating, with so much
Volubility, and so little out of Breath, they held on their Chattering.
In a Word, as to Dress, Manners, Speech, and Form of Body, they were
the very Reverse of the _Potuans_. At first they were all astonish’d at
my Figure, and the chief Reason of that Astonishment was, that I wanted
a Tail. For as among the whole Brute Creation none so much resemble the
human Form as Monkies, so, had I had a Tail, they would have taken me
for one of their own Species, especially as all those who had hitherto
been transported from the Planet _Nazar_ to this Place, were of a Form
extremely unlike their own. About the Time of my Arrival here the Sea
ran very high, by reason of the near Approach of the Planet _Nazar_:
For as with us the Tides of the Ocean correspond with the Course of the
Moon, so the Ocean of this Firmament increases and decreases according
to the Vicinity or Remoteness of the aforesaid Planet.
Presently I was conducted to a very noble House, all beautifully set
off with costly Stone, Marble, Mirrors, Vases, and Tapestry. At the
Gate were Centinels posted, which gave me to understand that this
could not be the Dwelling of a vulgar Monkey. And I was soon inform’d,
that it was the House of the Consul or chief Magistrate. He was very
desirous of conversing with me, and therefore hir’d some Masters to
instruct me in their Language. Near three Months had been spent upon
my Instruction, at the Expiration of which, as I could now speak the
Tongue pretty fluently, I hop’d to gain the Applause and Admiration of
all, upon Account of the Forwardness of my Genius, and the Strength of
my Memory. But my Tutors thought me slower and duller than ordinary,
insomuch that they lost all Patience, and threaten’d to leave me off.
And as at _Potu_ I was call’d in Derision _Scabba_, or Quick-Parts,
so here, by reason of my Stupidity and Dulness, they gave me the
Name of _Kadicoran_, which signifies a Clown, or Dunce. For those
alone are here esteem’d, who are quick and nimble, and cover their
Sense in a confus’d and rapid Volley of Words. While I was learning
the Monkey-Language, my Host took me round the City, which I beheld
dissolv’d in every Kind of Luxury. What with the Multitude of Coaches,
Chaises, Valets, and a Croud of People hurrying every Way, we were
obliged to use a Sort of Force to get on. Yet this was nothing, if
compar’d to that Luxury which reign’d in the Metropolis, where, as in
its Center, you might see all that mortal Vanity could invent. Being
now taught the Language, I was brought to this famous Capital by my
Host, who hop’d to purchase the Favour of a Senator, by making him a
Present of so uncommon a Curiosity as I was. For the Form of Government
here is aristocratical, so that the Sovereign Authority resides in the
Grand Senate, the Members of which are all noble from first to last.
None of plebeian Family can ever hope to be more than a Centurion or
Prætor in the Provinces or lesser Cities. Sometimes, indeed, one of
this Class may arrive at the Consulate, yet never without some very
extraordinary Merit. Thus it was my Host obtain’d the Consulship; for
so fertile was his Genius, that in the Space of one Month, he projected
twenty-eight new Laws. And though not half of them were calculated
for the Good of the Publick, yet they were Specimens of a fruitful
Invention, and procur’d him a great Character. For throughout the
whole subterranean World, there is no Place where Projectors are in
more Esteem than in this. The capital City is call’d _Martinia_; it
gives Name to the whole Country, and is famous for its fine Situation,
for the Grandeur of its Buildings, its Commerce, and naval Force. For
Extent of Ground, and Number of Inhabitants, I believe it may rival
_Paris_. So crouded was every Street, that we were forc’d to beat our
Way through to go to that Part of the City where the Syndick of the
Senate liv’d. For he it was to whom the Consul was to present me.
When we drew near to the Syndick’s House, my Friend the Consul went
into an Inn, to put himself in Order, and to compose his Person and
Habit in a Manner fit to appear before the Syndick. Immediately there
appear’d a little Army of occasional Valets or Footmen, commonly call’d
_Maskatti_, whose Assistance every one makes use of before they enter
the Palaces of the Senators. These brush your Cloaths, take out the
Spots, and with the exactest Care adjust whatever is discompos’d,
even to the smallest Plait. One of these _Maskatti_ took the Consul’s
Sword, and wip’d it clean and bright, and then return’d it him. Another
dress’d his Tail with Ribbands of various Colours: For these Monkies
have nothing more at Heart than the Ornaments of their Tails. There
were some Senators, and especially some of the Wives of the Senators,
whose Tails on high Occasions could scarcely be dress’d out to the
best Advantage under two or three hundred Pounds Sterling. A third
approach’d the Consul with a geometrical Instrument, to take the
Dimensions of his Cloaths, and to see if all hung in due Proportion. A
fourth brought a Bottle of Paint, and with it improv’d his Visage. A
fifth examin’d his Feet, from which he par’d the Superfluities. A sixth
brought him perfum’d Water to wash with. In short, one brought a Towel,
another a Comb, another a Looking-Glass, and all with an Exactness not
inferior to that of a Geometrician measuring and adorning his Map. Oh!
thought I to myself, how much Time and Expence must the Dress of the
Ladies here require, when there is so much Fuss in tricking out one of
our Sex? And, indeed, the _Martinian_ Ladies exceed all Bounds, and
cover their Defects with such a Load of Paint, as makes their Persons
offensive. For when the Sweat and Paint are pretty well united, it
exhales an Odour like that of your great Kitchens; what you smell you
know not, but this you know, that it is something very disagreeable.
My Host thus painted, powder’d, comb’d and polish’d, went to the
Syndick’s Palace, attended only with three Valets. When he came to
the Court-Yard he pull’d off his Shoes, lest he should afterwards
disoblige the Marble Floor with Dirt or Dust. He was forc’d to stay a
full Hour before the Syndick was inform’d that he was there, nor was
he introduc’d without a proper Gratification to some of the Guards and
Servants. The Syndick, seated on a gilt Settee, as soon as he espy’d
me entring with my Host, burst out into an ungovernable Laughter, and
afterward ask’d me a thousand trifling, foolish Questions. To every
Reply I made him, he redoubled his Fits of Laughter.
_Ingeminat tremulos naso crispante cachinnos._
For my Part, I was of Opinion, that to play the Buffoon was reckon’d
among the Virtues here, since the Government had made this Person
Syndick, which is the second Dignity in the Senate; and I observ’d
as much to my Friend. But he assur’d me, he was a Monkey of great
Abilities, as appear’d from the Multitude of Business of various
Sorts, which even in his greener Years he went through. For such was
his Readiness of Perception, that even over a Glass he would transact
Affairs of the utmost Weight; nay even at Dinner, or at Supper, between
the Courses, he would often draw up a new Law. I enquir’d if such
Laws, conceiv’d in so short a Space of Time, were of any considerable
Duration. To this he only reply’d, that like other Laws they continued
in Force, till it pleas’d the Senate to abrogate or repeal them.
The Syndick, having convers’d with me about half an Hour, and with
full as great a Degree of Loquacity as our _European_ Barbers, turn’d
himself about to my Friend, and told him, he would take me into the
Number of his Servants, though upon Account of my slow Intellects he
much doubted whether I could be good for any Thing. _I have myself_,
reply’d my Friend the Consul, _observ’d a natural Torpor or Dulness
in him, but give him Time for Reflexion, and you will find he has
no contemptible Judgment_. That signifies little here, return’d the
Syndick, since our Multiplicity of Business admits of no Delay. With
these Words he fell to examining my Limbs and my Body, and after having
survey’d them a short Time, he commanded me to lift up a certain
Weight from the Ground, which I did without much Trouble. Upon this
he told me, that though Nature had been unkind to me with respect to
my Intellects, yet that she had in a Manner compensated that Defect
by an extraordinary Strength of Body. I was then order’d to withdraw
to another Apartment, where the Domesticks and Attendants receiv’d
me with a good deal of Pleasure, though their excessive Impertinence
and Gestures were troublesome enough. So many Questions they ask’d me
concerning our World, I knew not how to answer them, and so gave them
what came uppermost, some Truth, some Falshood, just to allay their
impatient Curiosity.
At length my Friend returning, told me his Excellence did me the Honour
to retain me in his Court. From the foregoing Conversation of the
Syndick I could guess, that the Employment design’d for me was no very
important one, probably his Valet, or his Butler; and upon enquiring
what it was, my Friend said to me, His Excellence has been graciously
pleas’d to appoint you one of his Body Chairmen, with an annual Salary
of twenty-five _Stercolates_. (A _Martinian Stercolate_ is equal to
about seven Shillings and Six-pence _Sterling_.) He has moreover
engag’d, that you shall have the Honour of carrying only himself, or
his Lady. I was thunderstruck with this Answer, and remonstrated in
the most pathetic Manner how unworthy an Office this was for one of
my ingenuous Education and Family. But some Courtiers rushing in in
Heaps, interrupted me from speaking more, and half kill’d me with their
Impertinence. For all the _Martinians_ are light, frothy, talking
Creatures, that have a smooth, fluent Jargon of Words, without the
least Mixture of Seriousness or Gravity. At length I was conducted
to an Apartment, where Supper was ready; and having taken a moderate
Repast, I retir’d to my Repose.
I threw myself upon my Bed, but such was the Disorder of my Mind, I
could take no Sleep. The Disdain I was receiv’d with shock’d me to
the highest Degree, and nothing less than a _Spartan_ Patience could
digest so gross an Indignity. I heartily deplor’d my Fate, which
seem’d severer now than what I had experienc’d in the Planet _Nazar_,
and I could not help saying to myself, “What would here become of the
_Kadoki_, or High Chancellor of _Potu_, a Person of inestimable Worth
in his own Country, but who requir’d at least an intire Month to form
a new Law? What would be the Fate of _Palmka_ in this Place, where
the Senators make Laws between the Courses at Meals?” After a serious
Consideration, I found myself translated from a Land of Sages to a
Country of Fools. At last being tir’d with thinking, Sleep overpower’d
me. I know not how long I slept, since there is here no Difference
between Night and Day. For it is never dark except at one stated Time,
when the subterranean Sun is in an Eclipse by the Interposition of the
Planet _Nazar_. This Eclipse is very remarkable, because the aforesaid
Planet, being not far from the Firmament, overshadows the whole Sun,
and so always makes the Eclipse total. But as this happens but seldom,
it makes no Alteration of Season, which is here invariably the same
upon Account of the constant Presence of the Sun. Hence the Inhabitants
are forc’d to have Recourse to various Inventions, as Groves, Baths,
Walks, and Grotto’s, to qualify the Heat.
I was scarce awake, when a Monkey enter’d my Chamber, who told me he
was my Comrade in Office, and with a slight Cord (being order’d so to
do) he apply’d a fictitious Tail to my Posteriors, to make me look more
like a Monkey. He then bid me get ready, because the Syndick within
an Hour was to be carry’d to the Academy, to which Place he and his
Brother Senators had receiv’d a formal Invitation. It seems there was
to be a Promotion to a Doctor’s Degree at Ten o’Clock that Morning. It
must be noted here, that though the Days are not distinguish’d from the
Nights, by reason of the perpetual Presence of the Sun, yet are they
distinguish’d into Hours, half Hours, and Quarters, and that by Means
of Clocks or Hour-Glasses, so that Day and Night together take up about
twenty-two Hours. Hence, if all the Clocks in the City were to stop at
once, it would be impossible for the Citizens to recover the true Time,
till they had consulted some of the Clocks in the next Neighbourhood.
For there neither are, nor can be, any Sun-Dials, because there is
never any Shadow, the Sun continually darting perpendicular Rays upon
the Place. So that were you to dig a Well here, it would be illuminated
to the Bottom. As to the Year, that is regulated and governed by the
Course of the Planet _Nazar_ round the Sun.
At Ten o’Clock we took up his Excellence, and carry’d him to the
Academy. Entring into the Auditory, we beheld the Doctors and Masters
seated in Order, every one of which rose up as the Syndick pass’d by,
and turning themselves about paid him their Compliments with their
Tail. This is their Manner of doing Reverence. And this accounts for
their Care in adorning their Tails. For my own Part, I confess these
inverted Salutations seem’d extremely foolish and absurd. For to
turn one’s Back upon any one, is among us a Mark of Indifference or
Contempt: But every Nation has its particular Taste. The aforesaid
Doctors and Masters were seated on each Side of the Auditory. In the
lower Part of it was plac’d a Chair, in which sat the Candidate.
Before the Act of Promotion, the following Question was discuss’d in
a solemn Disputation, namely, _Whether the Sound, which Flies and
other Insects make, comes through the Mouth, or the Posteriors?_ The
President undertook the Defence of the former Opinion, which was
attack’d by the Opponents with so much Ardour, that I was afraid it
would have terminated in a bloody Battle. And most certainly they had
come to Blows, but that the Senate rose up, and cool’d the Flame by
their Authority. During the Dispute, a certain Monkey play’d upon a
Pipe: This was the Moderator, who by the Management of his Musick,
either in soft, or in smart Strains, would quicken the Dispute when it
flagg’d and languish’d, or bring it down when it was noisy and violent.
Tho’ very often all his Art had no Effect: So very hard a Matter it
is to preserve the Temper, when the Dispute is upon such interesting
Subjects. The same Thing often happens in our World, where, when the
Dispute turns upon some very dubious and almost inexplicable Point,
one may observe the Combatants are often work’d up to the most violent
Agitations of Mind or Body. However, this threatning Quarrel which
promis’d nothing but Blood and Slaughter, ended all in Compliments and
Praises. Something like this obtains in our _European_ Universities,
where, according to general Custom, the President, when the Dispute is
clos’d, descends victorious and triumphant from the Chair.
This Preamble ended, they proceeded to the Act of Creation with these
Ceremonies. The Candidate was plac’d in the Middle of the Auditory:
Three of the University-Beadles walk’d gravely up to him, and threw
a whole Pail-full of cold Water upon his Head; they then perfum’d
him with Incense, and lastly gave him a Vomit to take off. Having
perform’d this with the utmost Solemnity, they retir’d bowing, and
declar’d him aloud a true and legitimate Doctor. Amaz’d at so many
wonderful Ceremonies, I ask’d a certain learned Monkey who stood near
me, the Meaning of all this. He told me, (pitying at the same Time
my Ignorance) that by the Water, the Incense, and the Vomit, it was
understood that the Candidate was to forsake his old Vices, and to
assume a new Set of Manners, to distinguish him from the Vulgar.
Hearing this, I deplor’d my own Stupidity, and full of Admiration,
forbore to ask any farther Questions, for fear I should be thought to
have never convers’d with any Thing above Brutes.
At last all the musical Instruments struck up at once, and the new
Doctor, cloath’d in a Robe of Green, and girt with a Sash of the same
Colour, was escorted home from the Auditory with all _Parnassus_ at
his Heels. But as he was of a plebeian Family, he had not the Honour
of a Coach, but was seated in a Vehicle not unlike a Wheelbarrow,
and drawn by Hand, the University-Beadles marching before in their
respective Habits. The Whole ended in a very handsome Entertainment,
where the Guests drank so plentifully, that many of them were carried
home extremely intoxicated, and were so ill for many Days after, that
without the Help of proper Medicines they would hardly have recover’d.
So that from the Beginning to the Ending of this whole Ceremony,
nothing was wanting to the due Solemnity of it; and I protest, I never,
even in our World, saw a more truly academical Promotion, or any
Candidate commence Doctor more legitimately than this.
In the Courts of Justice, Causes are dispatch’d with a surprizing
Dexterity, and I was charm’d with that Readiness of Apprehension,
that Velocity of conceiving Things, so peculiar to this Nation. Very
often, before the Advocates have wound up their Pleadings, the Judges
rise and give Sentence with equal Expedition and Elegance. I often
frequented these Courts, to inform myself thoroughly of their Manner of
Proceeding. At first hearing, their Decrees seem’d just and equitable
enough; but upon a more careful Examination, they were in Reality
absurd, unjust, and full of Contradictions, insomuch that I would
sooner commit my Cause to the Chance of a Die, than to the Judgment of
the _Martinian_ Lawyers. I forbear to say any Thing concerning the Laws
of this People, by reason of the capricious Changes they perpetually
undergo. They are as fickle in these as in their Fashions. Many are
here punish’d for Crimes, which were not Crimes at the Time they were
committed, but commence such by Virtue of an After-Law to make them so.
For which Reason nothing is more common than Appeals from the inferior
to the superior Courts, the Plaintiff having Hopes, that, while the
Suit is depending, the old Law (which lost him his Cause in the lower
Court) may be repeal’d. This is owing to the Suddenness with which
their Laws are invented and promulged. Such Lovers of Novelty are this
People, that they perfectly nauseate the most useful Statutes, solely
upon Account of their Antiquity. The Advocates are in great Reputation
for their Shrewdness in Disputation. Nay, there are some among them,
who disdain to undertake a Cause that is not unjust, or at least
very doubtful; for in so doing they might be depriv’d of an Occasion
of exerting their Parts, and giving Specimens of their Ability to
turn Black into White. The Judges will often favour a bad Cause, in
Compliment to the Council for defending it so well. “We perceive well
enough, say the Judges, the Injustice of this Cause, but then it has
been manag’d with such inimitable Art, that in Justice to the Advocate
for his Performance, we ought to strain a Point of Law.” The Students
in this Profession are taught Law at different Prices; for Instance,
Those who teach their Pupils to manage a bad Cause, or, according
to the Proverb, to make the best of a bad Market, require twenty
_Stercolates_ for their Trouble; the Art of managing a good one shall
cost but ten. Their Forms of Law are so many, they resemble a huge
_Chaos_, without Bottom and without Shore. For the _Martinians_, having
a sublime Genius and a quick Perception, detest every Thing that’s
plain and simple, and think nothing worth their Care that is not very
knotty and intricate.
The same Taste prevails in Religion, which does not consist in
Practice, but in idle Speculations. Thus there are two hundred and
thirty different Opinions about the Form or Figure of the Supream
Being, and three hundred and ninety-six about the Nature and Quality
of Souls. The _Martinians_ never resort to their Temples or Churches
with the View of hearing any Thing useful, or of improving themselves
in the Art of living and dying well, but only to observe with what Art
and Dexterity the holy Orators acquit themselves; for the more obscure
their Language is, the more they are admir’d, their Audience having
very little Relish for what they understand. More Pains are taken
about the Expression, than about the Matter, the Preachers affecting
the smooth, round Period more than the Strength of Reason, and the
Audience expecting to be amus’d with a sounding Pomp of Words without
a Meaning. For this Reason I did not dare say any Thing concerning the
Christian Religion, which consisting of naked, simple Truths, could
never recommend itself to their _Goût_.
Projectors are no where in so high Reputation as here. The more odd
and impracticable the Scheme, the greater is the Inventor’s Glory.
When I had accidentally been explaining to a certain Monkey the Nature
of our terraqueous Globe, and had inform’d him that the Surface of it
was inhabited, he presently conceiv’d a Project of digging through the
Earth, and opening a Passage to the _Superterraneans_. This Device met
with universal Applause, and a Society was thereupon instituted, and
call’d THE SUPERTERRANEAN COMPANY, to which the Inhabitants flock’d
in Shoals, and, according to the Language of those Times, bought in
_Stocks_. However, as this Affair introduced a great deal of Confusion
into the Kingdom, and ruin’d a Multitude of Families beyond Redemption,
they found the Folly of the Scheme, and dropt it all at once. And
though the Nation smarted so severely by it, yet the Projector not only
escap’d with Impunity, but with almost general Praise, this People
entertaining the highest Idea of his great Abilities.
Perceiving this Turn of Mind to prevail, I endeavour’d by the same
Means to procure myself a Reputation among the _Martinians_, and to
mend my Fortune by some new Project of my own. After a due Examination
of the State of the Publick, I discover’d several Flaws in it. I saw
the whole Country was full of the more subtle Sort of Artists, but
that it labour’d under a Want of useful Traders and Workmen. Upon this
I propos’d a Law for the Institution of certain Manufacturers, that
might be of great Service to the Nation. But every Proposal of this
Kind met with nothing but Sneers and Contempt from this vain People.
I then accus’d my own Stupidity in these Terms, _What a Sot have I
been? and how richly do I deserve to end my Days in the ignoble Office
of Chairman?_ Yet I did not altogether despond, and being convinc’d
I should never do them, nor myself, any Good by salutary Counsels, I
resolv’d to try whether I could not get over the Difficulty by some
ridiculous Invention or other. I open’d my Design to one of the gravest
Monkeys I knew, who encourag’d me to it mightily. And when he prov’d
to me, that Numbers there had made their Fortunes by mere Trifles
and boyish Gewgaws, and more especially by the Invention of some new
Fashion, I then resolv’d to swim with the Tide, and among Fools to play
the Fool myself. Upon this I call’d to Mind all the most ridiculous
and extravagant Inventions of _Europe_, and being at Liberty to pick
and chuse, I fix’d upon those Ornaments of the Head, which we call
_Perriwigs_, and determin’d with myself to introduce this Fashion.
What contributed to bear me out in this Attempt, was the great Number
of Goats in this Kingdom, whose Wool or Hair would be very proper
for my Purpose. And as my good Tutor (now at Rest) long exercis’d
the Occupation of a Perriwig-Maker, I was not altogether ignorant of
the Art. In short, I procur’d some Goat’s Hair, and made a Perriwig
fitted to my own Head, and thus adorn’d, I appear’d before the Syndick.
Startled at so new and unusual an Appearance, he ask’d me what it was,
and immediately snatching it from my Head, he put it upon his own,
and run to the Glass to survey himself. But how shall I express his
Wonder and Delight? He burst into an Ecstasy of Pleasure, crying, _O
ye Gods!_ and forthwith sent for his Lady to join with him in his Joy.
Her Wonder was equal to his, and embracing the Syndick, she vow’d
she never saw any Thing so charming, and every Soul in the Family was
of the same Opinion. The Syndick then turning towards me, _My dear_
Kakidoran, says he, _if this Invention of yours should take with the
Senate as it does with me, you may promise yourself every Thing_. I
thank’d his Excellence, and soon after put a Petition into his Hands,
address’d to the Senate, which I begg’d the Favour of him to offer. It
was conceiv’d in these Terms.
_Most Excellent, most Generous, most Illustrious,
most Noble, and most Wise Senators._
“The natural Propensity, by which I am influenc’d to promote the
publick Good, has now mov’d me to contrive this new and hitherto
unheard-of Ornament for the Head, which here I most humbly offer
to your Excellencies, and submit it to the Examination of this
august Tribunal, not doubting but it will meet with a most gracious
Reception, especially as the Invention must conduce to the Glory,
as well as Ornament of the Nation, and make the admiring World
confess, that the _Martinians_ excel the rest of Mortals, not only
in the Virtues and Endowments of the Mind, but in those Ornaments
of the Body which render the Person grand and majestick. I solemnly
vow to all your Excellencies, that in this I never consulted my
own Interest, and therefore I require no Reward: It is enough for
me in my slender Capacity to have promoted the publick Welfare,
and the Kingdom’s Honour. But if the most illustrious Senate are
pleas’d to decree me a suitable Reward for my Labours, I shall
receive it with a grateful Heart, that such their Munificence may
be known throughout the World, and others animated to the like, or
greater Inventions. In this View I cannot oppose the Liberality
of the Senate and People of _Martinia_. As to the rest, I commend
myself to the Favour of your Excellencies, and am,
_May it please your Excellencies_,
_Your most obedient_,
_And most humble Servant_,
+Kakidoran+.”
Martinia,
_7th Day of_ Astral.
The Syndick produc’d the Petition with the Perriwig in open Senate.
I heard that all Business was laid aside that Day, so much did the
Examination of the Perriwig engage the general Attention. Upon the
Close of all, they prais’d the Work, extoll’d the Artist, accepted of
his Good-will, and appointed him a Reward. In the whole Senate there
were but three who oppos’d this Motion; but they got no Credit by it,
and were look’d upon as rude, unpolish’d Creatures, totally unworthy of
the senatorial Function.
This Decree being pass’d, I was commanded to appear before the Senate,
where a senior Monkey rising up, thank’d me in the Name of the whole
Commonwealth, and assur’d me they would reward me in a Manner suitable
to my great Merit. He likewise ask’d me, how much Time it would require
to make such another Ornament? I reply’d, that as to the Reward, it
was sufficient Recompence to receive the Applauses of so venerable a
Body: As to the other Point, the making a second Perriwig, provided I
might have the Assistance of as many Monkeys as I could instruct in
the Art, I could undertake in one Month to furnish almost the whole
City. At these Words, the Syndick rose and said, _Heav’n forbid_,
Kakidoran, _that such an Ornament should be common to all the City,
and grow into Disesteem by frequent Use! No; let the Nobility be by
this distinguish’d from the Vulgar._ This Opinion was seconded by all
the Senate, and the publick Censors were order’d to take due Care
that this Decree should be inviolably observ’d, that the Nobility
receive no Dishonour by the promiscuous Use of Perriwigs, and that
so bright an Ornament should be reserv’d solely for their Use. But
this Edict had the same Effect that all sumptuary Laws have, and only
excited a stronger Desire in the Commons to transgress them. And
as this Invention had the Happiness to please every one, the richer
Citizens, by Friends or Money, procur’d Titles of Honour to qualify
them to wear Perriwigs, insomuch that in a short Time a very great
Part of the City was enobled. At length, when Petitions arriv’d from
the several Provinces, to be allow’d to come into this Fashion, the
Senate took the Matter under Consideration, and made a Repeal of the
Law, with a Permission for the promiscuous Use of Perriwigs; so that
I had the Pleasure to see the whole Nation _perriwig’d_, if I may use
the Expression, before I left _Martinia_. And a most delightful Sight
it was! Such general Satisfaction did this Contrivance give, that it
gave Birth to a new Epoch, or Date of Time, which was call’d in the
_Martinian_ Annals, THE YEAR OF PERRIWIGS.
To return to myself. Surrounded with Applauses, and cloath’d in a
Purple Robe, I was carried back in a Chair to the Syndick’s House,
and my Comrade Chairman now perform’d the Office of a Horse for me.
From that Hour I was admitted to the Syndick’s Table. After this lucky
Prelude of my Fortune, I pursued my Design, and by the joint Labours
of those I instructed, I in a short Time finish’d off Perriwigs enough
to accommodate the whole Senate; and about the End of the Month the
following Diploma of Nobility was brought me.
“Whereas a certain Person, by Name _Kakidoran_, Native of a
City call’d _Europe_, has by a glorious and useful Invention
highly oblig’d the whole _Martinian_ Nation: It is our Will and
Pleasure to associate him into the Body of our Nobility; and we do
accordingly decree, That he and his Heirs henceforth be reputed as
true and genuine Nobles, and enjoy all such Privileges, Rights and
Immunities, as are claim’d by the _Martinian_ Nobility. Moreover
we have decreed to honour him with a new Name, so that instead of
_Kakidoran_, he shall now be styl’d _Kikidorian_. And lastly, it is
our Will and Pleasure to settle an annual Stipend upon him of two
hundred Patari, to enable him to support his new Dignity.”
_Given at our Court of Senate
in_ Martinia, _the 4th Day
of_ Merian, _under our Great
Seal_, &c.
Thus from a poor Chairman was I transform’d to a Nobleman; and for some
Time I liv’d in the highest Repute, and with the utmost Felicity. And
as the _Martinians_ saw I was in high Favour with the Syndick, every
Creature made his Court to me. The Flattery of the Preferment-Hunters
went so far as to strive which should write the most fulsome
Panegyricks upon me, in which they kindly gave me a great many Virtues
I never had. Some, though they knew I was a Native of an unknown
World, yet reckon’d up for me a long List of Ancestors, and drew out
Genealogies in a direct Line from Heroes of the earliest Ages. These
Computations could not be very agreeable to me, nor was it possible for
me to think it an Honour to be descended from Monkeys. Moreover, as it
is usual with the _Martinians_ to celebrate the Tails of the Quality,
as our Poets sing the Beauties of their Mistresses, accordingly some of
the _Martinian_ Poets celebrated my Tail in Verse, though I never had
any. In short, to such a Height did their Flattery rise, that a certain
Person of no mean Extraction, and whose Name I spare upon Account
of his Family, actually offer’d me the Enjoyment of his Wife, if in
Return I would use all my Interest for him with the Syndick. This vile
Propensity to Flattery, to which all the _Martinians_ are extremely
subject, makes it not worth one’s while to read their Histories, which
are little more than a Heap of extravagant Encomiums, though the
Language of them is every where polite and elegant. Hence this Country
produces better Poets than Historians, which is owing to the fine
Imagination of the _Martinians_.
I enjoy’d a tolerable good Share of Health while I was in this Country,
tho’ the Heat, occasion’d by the continual Presence of the Sun, was
not a little troublesome. Once I was seiz’d with a Diarrhea, attended
with a high Fever; but it was of no great Continuance: But during my
Illness, the Physician I made use of was ten Times more troublesome
than my Disorder, by reason of his Impertinence and Loquacity, which
are so peculiar to this People. Having Occasion for a Physician in
that ill State of Health, a Doctor of Physick came a Voluntier, and
offer’d me his Assistance: I could not forbear laughing at the Sight
of him, because who should this be but my very Barber? I question’d
him, how it happen’d that from a Barber he was so soon metamorphos’d
into a Doctor? He reply’d, he exercis’d both Professions. Upon this I
was a little dubious, whether I ought to trust the Care of my Health
to such a general Trader, and frankly told him, that I had rather
have a Physician who profess’d the Art of Physick alone; but he vow’d
and protested to me, that there was not one such throughout the whole
City. I was therefore oblig’d to venture myself with him. The Haste
the Doctor was in increas’d my Wonder; for having prescrib’d for me a
Potion, he abruptly took his Leave, declaring he could not possibly
stay longer, because he was oblig’d to attend upon some other Affairs,
in which he was engag’d, at that very Time. And when I ask’d him what
those Affairs could be which requir’d such violent Haste, he told me,
he was under a Necessity of being at a Market-Town in the Neighbourhood
by such an Hour, to act as a Notary-Publick, which was another of his
Employments. This Multiplicity of Business is in great Vogue here,
and every body is very ready to undertake any the most opposite and
contradictory Offices. This Confidence is occasion’d by that wonderful
Liveliness of Genius, which dispatches Business in a Trice. Yet from
the various Mistakes and Blunders they daily commit, I concluded that
these Geniuses, which are so full of Fire, are rather an Ornament to
the Commonwealth, than of any real Use to it.
After I had spent two Years in this Territory, partly as a Chairman,
and partly as a Nobleman, I fell into an Adventure which had like to
have been fatal to me. In his Excellency’s Palace, I had met with the
highest Civilities; I had also the Honour to be extremely in the good
Graces of his Lady, insomuch that I seem’d to have the first Place in
her Friendship. She often favour’d me with _tete a tete_ Conversations;
and tho’ she seem’d highly pleas’d with my Company, yet all she said
was with so much Modesty and Delicacy, that it was impossible to put
a sinister Interpretation upon her Conduct in this Respect, nor could
I with all my Penetration guess, that the Source of all this wondrous
Goodness was an impure Passion, more especially as she was a Lady of
Quality, and as eminent for her Virtue, as for her Birth and Family.
But, in Process of Time, from some equivocal Speeches of hers, I could
not but entertain a few Suspicions, which were considerably increas’d
by several evident Symptoms,
The wan Complexion, and the dying Eye,
The stedfast Gaze, th’ involuntary Sigh.
At length the Mystery was clear’d up, a young Virgin, her Confidante,
bringing me the following Billet.
_Lovely_ +Kikidorian+,
“My Birth, and the natural Modesty of my Sex, have now conceal’d
those Sparks of Love, which lurk’d within my Bosom, and with-held
them from bursting into an open Flame. But now, sinking under the
Oppression, I can no longer resist the Violence of my Wishes.”
Let this soft Secret all thy Pity move,
Extorted from my Soul by raging Love.
_I am Yours_,
+Ptarnusa+.
Words cannot utter the Confusion this passionate Declaration threw
me into. But as I thought it better to be expos’d to the Vengeance
of disappointed Love, than to disturb the Laws of Nature by mixing
my Blood with a Creature not of the human Species, I return’d the
following Answer.
+Madam+,
The repeated Favours I have receiv’d from his Excellency the
Syndick, the Benefits he has heap’d upon an undeserving Stranger,
the moral Impossibility of complying with your Request, together
with innumerable other Reasons which I forbear to recount; all
this, Madam, determines me to hazard your Ladyship’s Resentment,
rather than consent to an Action which would render me of all
two-footed Creatures the most vile and abominable. Not Death itself
is half so terrible. The Crime too would bring an indelible Stain
upon a most illustrious Family, and she who commands it must be
the greatest Sufferer. Let me conjure you, therefore, to pardon
this Refusal, and be satisfy’d, that in every other Respect I shall
always pay the profoundest Obedience to your Ladyship’s Commands. I
am,
_Madam_,
_Your most humble_,
_And most obedient Servant_,
+Kikidorian+.
This Answer I seal’d up, and gave it to the Bearer to deliver to
her Mistress. It had the Effect I suspected. Her Love was chang’d
into the strongest Aversion. However, she deferr’d her Revenge till
she had recover’d that Letter she sent to me. She then suborn’d
false Witnesses, who swore that I attempted to violate the Syndick’s
Bed. This Story was cook’d up with so much Art, and such an Air of
Probability, that the Syndick, not making the least Doubt about it,
threw me into Prison. In this Extremity, there was but one Thing to be
done, and that was, to make Confession of the Crime, and implore his
Excellency’s Mercy. By these Means, I hop’d to divert or soften his
Anger, and procure a Mitigation of my Punishment. For it was ridiculous
to think of contesting the Matter with a powerful Family, especially in
a Country, where not the Merits of the Cause, but the sole Quality of
the Person is regarded. Therefore omitting all Sort of Defence, I had
Recourse to the most abject Supplications and Tears, imploring not a
total Remission of my Punishment, but only to have it moderated.
Thus by the Confession of a Crime I never dreamt of, I chang’d the
Punishment of Death for a perpetual Captivity. My Diploma of Nobility
was taken from me, and torn in Pieces by the Hands of the common
Hangman, and I myself was condemn’d to be a Galley-Slave all my
Days. The Galley, or Vessel, I was sent to work in, belong’d to the
Government, and lay in Readiness for its Voyage to the _Mezendores_,
or Land of Wonders. This Voyage is undertaken at a stated Time of the
Year, namely, in the Month _Radir_. They sail to these Parts in Quest
of such Commodities as are not to be had in their own Country, so that
the _Mezendores_ are a Kind of _Indies_ to the _Martinians_. A Body
of Merchants, as well Nobles as Citizens, are erected into a Society
called the _Mezendorian Company_, among whom the Merchandise of the
returning Vessel is divided, according to their several Subscriptions
and Shares. The Vessel moves both by Sails and Oars, and to every
Oar two Slaves or Captives are assign’d: And to this Drudgery was I
condemn’d during this Voyage. With what Reluctance I enter’d upon it,
it is easy to guess, especially as I had done nothing to deserve being
thus expos’d to servile Labour, and to the Lash, among Wretches and
Slaves. Various were the Sentiments of the _Martinians_ concerning my
Misfortune. Some were of Opinion I was culpable, and therefore deserv’d
the Punishment; but then the Sight of me in that miserable Condition
drew Compassion from them. Others thought some Regard ought to have
been had to my former Services, and that therefore my Punishment need
not have been so severe. But some of the honester Monkeys mutter’d
among themselves that I was accus’d falsely, though no one dar’d
openly undertake my Defence, through Fear of my powerful Accusers. I
determin’d, however, to bear my Calamity with Patience. My greatest
Comfort was the approaching Voyage; for as I had always a strong
Passion for Novelty, I was in Hopes of meeting with something new and
wonderful, though I could not give Credit to all the Sailors told me,
nor bring myself to think that there were such Prodigies in Nature,
as I afterwards met with. There were several Interpreters in our
Vessel, whose Assistance the _Mezendorian Company_ made use of in these
Expeditions; for all Contracts, as to Buying and Selling, were made by
them.