HIS HOLY DAY.--PERSONATIN A DUDE MAKES HIM LOSE HIS TRUST IN
GALS.--MARIA GIVES HIM CLENE AWAY.--TERRERBEL REVENGE.--
HE PROMISES FORGIVENESS ON CERTAIN CONDISHUNS.
I've lost all conferdense in gals and human nature, lost it all at one
fell swoop. Yesterday I'd ben willin to bet a 20-cent seegar that my
gal, Maria, would 'er lep cross one of the flews of Haydies for me. But
I was deseeved; yes, Mr. Diry, I was wonderfully and terribly deseeved
in her.
As I told you last nite, me and Jimmy got a holy day to-day and $10
to spend on havin a good time. So this mornin we drest up in our
Sunday-skule cloes, and went down town to the property shop, and each
bort ourselves a false mustash and canes. Then we went up to the barber
shop and had our hare banged. Wen we was thru you wuldnt ben abel to
tell us from full bludded Englush swells. We was just too too, walkin up
and down Uniyun Square, puffin at our 10-centers, like we owned all New
York and half of Brooklyn. You bet we maid sum mashes on the wimmin.
Bout one clock we sta-shuned ourselves where we'd meet our gals as they
went to skule. Jimmie's gal, Josie, and my Maria run together. Purty
soon they cum long together, laffin and torkin. Then me and Jimmy braced
ourselves up, and as they went by we winked. Josie she winked back, but
Maria she sed orful sweet, “How de do?” so we followed em up. Purty soon
Maria slowed up & sed its a nice day. I told her it was, then I sez if
she wuldnt like to take a walk. She sed “she was greed if Josie'd
go long, cos if they went walkin they'd have to play hookey, and one
darsent do it without the other.”
After sum persuashun, Josie greed to go long, so I offered my arm to
Maria, and we had a big time til bout 5 o'clock. Then we sez to the gals
if they'd like to go to the theater in the evenin, they thot it'd be
or-, ful nice, but they didnt believe there mas wuld trust em to go with
strange gentelmen, cos it wuldnt be rite. I axt her if there wasnt sum
way to fix it.
Maria sed she guessed she culd tell her ma. Georgie was going to take
her, & then Josie culd say, Georgie had a xtra ticket, & warnted her to
go long, so we greed to meet em, at the corner, bout 7 clock. They
was there on time, all drest up ter kill, and we took em down to
the Standard, and had a big time. Wen the show wos out, we went to a
resterant, & had sum oysters. Wile we was etin them, I axt Maria who the
Georgie was who tuk her out.
“Oh,” sez she, “he's a red hedded devil, wot wurks in the _Buster_
offis, and aint a bit lik you. Ma likes him, and thinks he's orful
steddy, and she aint frade to let me go eny place with him. He's mashed
on me bad, and thinks I'm in luv with him, so he spends all his munney
on me, and I jest go with him, cos he takes me to ennything wot cums
along. It's fun ter see him, he's so green, and besides, he never fixes
up eny, and I'm gettin most ashamed to be seen on the strete with him.”
[Illustration: THEN I HAWLED OFF MY FALSE MUSTASH ]
By this time I was feelin purty bad, but I maneged to keep up and make
blieve I was feerful in love with her, and got her to promis never to
go with Georgie agin. I had a bottel of perfume in my pocket, and jest
'fore we left the restyrant, I put sum on the gals handkercheefs, then I
hawled off my false mustash, and soon Maria seen, I was her Georgie, and
begun a cryin lik her hart wuld brak. I felt sorry for her, but I told
her to dry up her eyes. I guess I must giv them the perfume out of the
assyfitity bottel, cos, soon as she rubbed her face you never smelt such
a overpourin smell in all your life, we had to keep em at arms length,
all the way hum, and if we'd ben the Zar of Russher, and Queen Victoria,
combined, the peeple wouldnt hav givin us more room on the side walk. I
felt sorry for them, cos they cryed, and felt so bad, all the way home,
and, if I coulder got close enuf to Maria, without bein smuthered
I'd kissed and made it all up. Its a blessin that her ma and pa's got
catarrh orful bad, or there mite be war in her house.
I'm goin to send her the follerin note in the morning, and next time I
go to see her I'll fix up a littel, cos a fellow can't blame a girl for
goin back on him if he don't think enuff of her to dress up neet:
Dear Maria: I was orful greeved by your conduct, but seein
that you're sorry I'll forgive you for all. I'll call round
in a week, wot'll give you time enuf to smell swete agin, if
you're careful to wash often, give yourself lots of air, and
keep plenty of carbollick acid and cloride of lime scattered
round were you are.
Beleeve me your ever lovin
Georgie.