adviser. He keeps me posted on what's goin' on in lithrachoor, an' I do
th' same f'r him on crime. I've always got a little something that's
excitin' comin' to me, but this time he's made good. It seems, ye see,
that a good manny iv th' la-ads that write th' books have been lavin'
th' route iv th' throlley line an' takin' to th' woods. They quit Myrtle
an' Clarence an' th' wrong done to Oscar Lumlovitch be th' brutal
foreman iv lard tank nine, an' wint to wurruk on th' onhappy love
affairs iv Carrie Boo, th' deer, an' th' throubles in th' domestic
relations iv th' pan fish an' th' skate. F'r th' last year th' on'y
books that Hogan has told me about have been wrote about animiles. I've
always thought iv th' beasts iv th' forest prowlin' around an' takin' a
leg off a man that'd been sint to Colorado f'r his lungs. But these boys
tell me they're diff'rent in their home life. They fall in love, get
marrid an' divoorced, bring up fam'lies, an' are supported or devoured
be thim, as th' case may be, accumylate money, dodge taxes, dhrink to
excess, an' in ivry way act like human bein's. I wudden't be surprised
to know that a bear had a tillyphone in his room, an' that th' gopher
complained iv his gas bills.
"Ivry time I go up into th' park to see me old frind th' illyphant I
wondher what dhreams ar-re goin' on behind that nose iv his that he uses
akelly as a garden hose, a derrick, or a knife an' fork. Is he
recallin' th' happy days at Barnum's befure brutal man sunk an ice pick
into him an' dhrove him to th' park? Is there some wan still there that
he thinks iv? Is she alive, is she dead, does she iver dhream iv him as
she ates her hay an' rubs her back agin th' bars iv her gilded cage?
There's th' hippypotamus. He don't look to be full iv sintiment, but ye
never can tell. Manny an achin' heart beats behind a cold an' sloppy
exteeryor. Somewhere in sunny Africa a loving fam'ly may be waitin' fr
him. Th' wallow at th' riverside is there, with th' slime an' ooze
arranged be tinder paws. But he will not return. They will meet, but
they will miss him, there will be wan vacant lair.
"Well, sir, just as I'd got to th' frame iv mind whin I'm thinkin' iv
askin' that gloomy lookin' allygator in th' park up to spind an avenin'
with me, along comes Tiddy Rosenfelt an' says there's nawthin' in it.
It's hard on th' boys. They ar-re doin' th' best they can. Ye can't
expect an author to lave his comfortable flat an' go three or four
thousand miles to larn whether th' hero iv his little love story
murdhers his uncle be bitin' him abaft th' ear or be fellin' him with a
half Nelson an' hammer-lock. Why should he? Who wud feed th' goold fish
while he was gone?
"No, sir, he does just right. Instead iv venturin' into th' wilds an'
p'raps bein' et up be wan iv his fav'rite charackters, he calls f'r some
tea an' toast, jabs his pen into th' inkwell, an' writes: 'Vichtry was
not long in th' grasp iv th' whale. Befure he cud return to his burrow
Tusky Bicuspid had seized him be th' tail an' dashed his brains out agin
a rock. With a leap in th' air th' bold wolf put to rout a covey iv
muskrats, those evil sojers iv fortune that ar-re seen hoverin' over
ivry animile battlefield. Wan blow iv his paw broke th' back iv th'
buffalo. With another he crushed a monsthrous sage hen, at wanst th'
most threacherous an' th' hardiest iv th' beasts iv th' wild. Paralyzed
be th' boldness iv th' wolf, th' camel an' th' auk fled fr'm th' scene
iv havoc, as is their wont. All that remained iv his inimies now was th'
cow, which defied him fr'm the branches iv a pine tree an' pelted him
with th' monsthrous fruit iv this cillybrated viggytable. Now, it is
well known that however aven they may be in a boording house, th' wolf
is no match f'r a cow in a tree. But this was no ordhinary wolf. As he
heerd th' low cry iv' his mate he was indowed with th' strength iv a
thousand piany movers. With a gesture iv impatience he shed his coat,
f'r it was Spring, childher, an' he shud've been more careful; he shed
his coat, swiftly climbed th' tree an' boldly advanced on th' foe. His
inimy give th' low growl iv his hated thribe. How manny a time have I
heerd it in Englewood an' shuddered with fear. But th' dauntless Tusky
answered back with his battle song, th' long chirp iv th' wild wolf, his
wife accompanyin' him fr'm th' foot iv th' tree on a sheep bone. With
wan spring th' inthrepid wolf sprang at his inimy. She thried to sink
her venomous fangs into his wish-bone, but with incredulous swiftness,
he back-heeled an' upper-cut her, swung left to body an' right to point
iv jaw, an' with wan last grimace iv defiance th' gr-reat bulk iv th'
monsther fell tin thousand feet into th' roarin' torrent an' took th'
count. Tusky heerd th' soft love-note iv his mate. She was eatin' th'
whale. He hastily descinded. An' so peace come to th' jungle.'
"That sounds all right to me. I like to see th' best man or th' best
animile win. An' I want to see him win good. It wudden't help me story
to tell about Tusky goin' home with wan ear gone an' his eye blacked,
an' tellin' his wife that he'd just about managed to put wan over that
stopped another wolf. That's what usually happens up this way, an' it
ain't very good readin'. When I want to tell a story that'll inthrest me
frinds I give it to thim good. Whin I describe me fav'rite hero, Dock
Haggerty, I tell about him throwin' wan man out iv th' window an' usin'
another as a club to bate th' remainin' twelve into submission. But if
I had to swear to it, an' wasn't on good terms with th' Judge, I
wudden't say that I iver see Dock Haggerty lick more than wan man--at a
time. At a time, mind ye. He might take care iv a procession iv
Johnsons. But he'd be in throuble with a couple iv mimbers iv th'
Ethical Culture Society that came to him at th' same moment. 'If iver
more thin wan comes at wanst,' says th' Dock, 'I'm licked,' he says.
"But that ain't what I tell late at night, an' it ain't what I want to
read. Ye bet it ain't. If I wint over to a book store an' blew in me
good thirty-nine cints f'r a dollar-an'-a-half book, I'd want some kind
iv a hero that I never see around these corners. Th' best day I iver
knew Jawn L. Sullivan had a little something on me. I won't say it was
much, but now that we're both retired, I'll say that I'm glad I niver
challenged him. But I wudden't look at a book, an' I wudden't annyway,
but I wudden't let Hogan tell me about a hero that cudden't wear an
overcoat an' rubber boots, have wan arm done up in a sling, an'
something th' matther with th' other, blue spectatacles on his eyes, a
plug hat on his head, th' aujeence throwin' bricks at him, an' th'
referee usin' a cross-cut saw on his neck, an' thin make two hundher an'
fifty Jawn L. Sullivans establish th' new record f'r th' leap through
th' window. Whin I want a hero, I want a good wan. I don't care whether
'tis a wolf, a sojer, or a Prisident. It all comes to th' same
thing--whether 'tis Hogan's frind, th' Wolf that he's been talkin' about
f'r a year, or that other old frind iv his that he used to talk
about--what d'ye call him?--ah, where's me mind goin'?--Ivanhoe.
"But Tiddy Rosenfelt don't feel that way about it. He's called down thim
nature writers just th' same way he'd call me down if I wint befure th'
fifth grade at th' Brothers' school an' told thim what I thought wud
inthrest thim about Dock Haggerty. What does he say? I'll tell ye. 'I do
not wish to be harsh,' says he, 'but if I wanted to charackterize these
here nature writers, I wud use a much shorter an' uglier wurrud thin
liar, if I cud think iv wan, which I cannot. Ye take, f'r example,
What's-his-name. Has this man iver been outside iv an aviary? I doubt
it. Here he has a guinea pig killin' a moose be bitin' it in th' ear.
Now it is notoryous to anny lover iv th' wilds, anny man with a fondness
f'r these monarchs iv forests, that no moose can be kilt be a wound in
th' ear. I have shot a thousand in th' ear with no bad effects beyond
makin' thim hard iv hearin'.
"'Here is a book befure me be wan iv these alleged nature writers. This
is a man whose name is a household wurrud in Conneticut. His books are
used in th' schools. An' what does this man, who got his knowledge iv
wild beasts apparently fr'm mis-treatin' hens f'r th' pip, say; what is
his message to th' little babblin' childher iv Conneticut? It is thim
that I've got to think iv. Instead iv tellin' thim th' blessed truth,
instead iv leadin' thim up be thurly Christyan teachings to an
undherstandin' iv what is right an' what is ideel in life, he poisons
their innocent minds with th' malicious, premeditated falsehood--I can't
think iv an uglier or shorter wurrud that wud go with premeditated--that
th' wolf kills th' grizzly bear be sinkin' its hidyous fangs into th'
gapin' throat iv its prey. How can honest citizens an' good women be
brought up on such infamyous docthrine? Supposin' a bear shud attack
Conneticut an' th' bells shud ring f'r th' citizens to arise, an' these
little darlings shud follow this false prophet an' run out in their
nighties an' thry to leap at his throat. Wudden't the bear be surprised?
Wudden't the little infants be surprised? Ye bet they wud. I want these
here darlings to know th' blessed truth, th' softenin' an' beautiful
truth that th' on'y way f'r a wolf to kill a bear is to disembowel him.
There is no other way. Th' wolf springs at his prey, an' with wan
terrific lunch pries him open. No wolf cud kill a bear th' way Willum
J. Long iv Stamford has described. A bear has th' sthrongest throat iv
anny crather in th' wurruld, barrin' Bryan. Why, I wud hate to have to
sthrangle a bear. I did wanst, but I had writer's cramp f'r months
aftherward.'
"An' that settles it. Fr'm now on ye can get anny wan iv these here
nature writers be callin' up four iliven eight B, Buena Park. Th' wild
animiles can go back to their daily life iv doin' th' best they can an'
th' worst they can, which is th' same thing with thim, manin' get what
ye want to eat an' go to sleep with ye'er clothes on. But some wan ought
to bring out a new nature story. I've thought iv chapter twinty-eight:
'With wan blow iv his pen he laid low, but not much lower, Orpheus L.
Jubb, th' well-known minichure painter who has taken up nature study.
With another he disembowelled th' Riv'rend Doctor Aleck Guff, who
retired fr'm th' Universalist Church because he cud not subscribe to
their heejous docthrines about th' future life, an' wrote his
cillybrated book on wild animiles iv th' West fr'm a Brooklyn car
window. It took on'y a moment f'r him to inflict a mortal wound on
Seton-Thompson's kodak. An' Tiddy Rosenfelt stood alone in th' primeval
forest. Suddenly there was a sound in th' bushes. He loaded his pen, an'
thin give a gasp iv relief, f'r down th' glade come his thrusted ally,
John Burroughs, leadin' captive th' pair iv wild white mice that had so
long preyed on th' counthry.'
"An' there ye ar-re, Hinnissy. In me heart I'm glad these neefaryous
plots iv Willum J. Long an' others have been defeated. Th' man that
tells ye'er blessed childher that th' way a wild goat kills an owl is be
pretendin' to be an alarum clock, is an undesirable citizen. He ought to
be put in an aquaryum. But take it day in an' day out an' Willum J. Long
won't give anny information to ye'er son Packy that'll deceive him much.
Th' number iv carryboo, deers, hippypotamuses, allygators, an' muskoxes
that come down th' Ar-rchey Road in th' coorse iv a year wudden't make
anny wan buy a bow an' arrow. It don't make near as much diff'rence to
us how they live as it does to thim how we live. They're goin' an' we're
comin', an' they ought to investygate an' find out th' reason why. I
suppose they don't have to go to school to larn how to bite something
that they dislike so much they want to eat it. If I had to bring up a
flock iv wild childher in Ar-rchey Road, I wudden't much care what they
larned about th' thrue habits iv th' elk or th' chambok, but I'd teach
thim what I cud iv th' habits, the lairs, an' th' bite iv th' polisman
on th' beat."
"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "Tiddy Rosenfelt is right. A fellow that
writes books f'r childher ought to write th' truth."
"Th' little preciouses wudden't read thim," said Mr. Dooley. "Annyhow,
th' truth is a tough boss in lithrachoor. He don't pay aven boord wages,
an' if ye go to wurruk f'r him ye want to have a job on th' side."
THE JAPANESE SCARE
"Did ye go to see th' Japs whin they were here?" asked Mr. Dooley.
"I did not," said Mr. Hennessy.
"Nor I," said Mr. Dooley. "I was afraid to. They're a divvle iv a
sinsitive people thim Japs. Look cross-eyed at thim an' they're into
ye'er hair. I stayed away fr'm th' stock yards whin me frind Gin'ral
Armour was showin' Gin'ral Kroky some rale slaughter. I didn't dare to
go down there f'r fear I'd involve this fair land iv ours in war.
Supposin' th' haughty little fellow was to see me grinnin' at him. A
smile don't seem th' same thing to an Oryental that it is to us
Cowcassians. He might think I was insultin' him. 'Look at that fellow
makin' faces at me,' says he. 'He ain't makin' faces at ye,' says th'
Mayor. 'That's th' way he always looks.' 'Thin he must have his face
changed,' says Kroky. 'If he don't I'll appeal to th' Mickydoo an' he'll
divastate this boasted raypublic iv ye'ers,' he says, 'fr'm sea to sea,'
he says.
"Well, what's to be done about it? I can't change me face an' there's no
legal way iv removin' it. Th' Prisidint writes to th' Gov'nor, th'
Gov'nor requests th' Sheriff, th' Sheriff speaks to th' Mayor, th' Mayor
desires th' Chief iv Polis, th' Chief iv Polis ordhers th' polisman on
th' beat, an' th' polisman on th' beat commands me to take me alarmin'
visage out iv th' public view. Suppose I go down to see me counsel,
Barrister Hogan. He tells me that undher th' rights guaranteed to me be
th' Constitution, which Gawd defind an' help in these here days, an' me
liquor license, I'm entitled to stick me tongue in me cheek, wink, roll
up me nose, wiggle me hands fr'm me ears, bite me thumb, or say 'Pooh'
to any black-an'-tan I meet.
"Thin what happens? Th' first thing I know a shell loaded with dynnymite
dhrops into th' lap iv some frind iv mine in San Francisco; a party iv
Jap'nese land in Boston an' scalp th' wigs off th' descindants iv John
Hancock an' Sam Adams; an' Tiddy Rosenfelt is discovered undher a bed
with a small language book thryin' to larn to say 'Spare me' in th'
Jap'nese tongue. And me name goes bouncin' down to histhry as a man that
brought roon to his counthry, an' two hundherd years fr'm now little
childer atin' their milk with chop sticks in Kenosha, Wisconsin, will
curse me f'r me wickedness instead iv blessin' th' mimry iv a man that
done so much to keep their fathers fr'm hurryin' home at night. So I
stayed away. F'r a moment th' peril is over.
"But it won't be f'r long. Ivry mornin' I pick up me pa-aper with fear
an' thremblin'. War with Japan is immynint. 'Tokyo, June five--Th' whole
nation is wild with excitement over th' misthreatment iv a Jap'nese in
Los Angeles, an' unless an apology is forthcomin' it will be difficult
f'r th' Governmint to prevint th' navy fr'm shootin' a few things at
ye. Th' people iv America shud know that they ar-re at th' brink iv war.
A corryspondint iv th' _Daily Saky_, who wurruks in an old porcylain
facthry in Maine, writes that this famous subjick iv th' Mickydoo, whose
name has escaped him but who had a good job in a livery stable in Tokyo
befure he was sint on a mission to th' American people to see what he
cud get, wint into an all night resthrant an' demanded his threaty
rights, which ar-re that th' waiter was to tuck his napkin into his
collar an' th' bartinder must play "Nippon th' gloryous" on a mouth
organ. Onforchinitely th' proprietor iv th' place, a man be th' name iv
Scully, got hold iv a copy iv th' threaty with Sweden with th' sad
result that he give th' subjick iv th' Mickydoo th' wrong threaty
rights. He hit him over th' head with a bung starter. There is some
relief in th' situation to-night based on th' repoort that th' Prisidint
has sint an apology an' has ordhered out th' army to subjoo Scully.
"'The Impror held a meetin' iv th' Elder Statesmen to-night to discuss
sindin' a fleet to San Francisco to punish th' neglect iv threaty rights
iv th' Japanese be a sthreet car conductor who wudden't let a subjick iv
th' Mickydoo ride on th' Thirty-first Sthreet line with an Ogden Avnoo
thransfer dated August eighteen hundherd an' siventy-two.' 'Th'
Prisidint has ordhered th' arrest an' imprisonmint iv a dentist in
Albany who hurt a Jap'nese whose tooth he was fillin'. He has raquisted
th' Mickydoo to give us another chance befure layin' waste our land.'
'Followin' th' advice iv th' Jap'nese ambassadure f'r poor young Japs to
marry rich American girls, a Jap'nese combynation theelogical student
an' cook applied f'r th' hand iv th' daughter iv th' boordin'-house
keeper where he was employed. He was able to limp to th' Jap'nese
Consul's house, where he made a complaint to th' Impror, who was an old
frind iv his father. Th' Prisidint has ordhered th' lady to marry th'
Chink.' 'Th' Hoop-la Theatre was closed last night on complaint iv th'
Jap'nese ambassadure that th' Fluff Opry Comp'ny was givin' a
riprisintation iv Jap'nese charackter in pink robes instead iv th'
seemly black derby hats, a size too large, Prince Albert coats,
pear-colored pants, button shoes, sthring neckties, an' spectacles which
is th' well-known unyform iv th' gloryous race. As token iv their grief
th' Cab'net waited on th' Jap'nese embassy at dinner to-night an'
Admiral Bob Evans has been ordhered to sink th' battle ship _Louisyanny_
an' carry Gin'ral Kroky's hat box to th' deepo.'
"An' so it goes. I'm in a state iv alarum all th' time. In th' good old
days we wudden't have thought life was worth livin' if we cudden't
insult a foreigner. That's what they were f'r. Whin I was sthrong,
befure old age deprived me iv most iv me pathritism an' other infantile
disordhers, I niver saw a Swede, a Hun, an Eyetalian, a Boohlgaryan, a
German, a Fr-rinchman, that I didn't give him th' shouldher. If 'twas an
Englishman I give him th' foot too. Threaty rights, says ye? We give
him th' same threaty rights he'd give us, a dhrink an' a whack on th'
head. It seemed proper to us. If 'twas right to belong to wan
naytionality, 'twas wrong to belong to another. If 'twas a man's proud
boast to be an American, it was a disgrace to be a German an' a joke to
be a Fr-rinchman.
"An' that goes now. Ye can bump anny foreigner ye meet but a Jap. Don't
touch him. He's a live wire. Don't think ye can pull his impeeryal hat
down on his bold upcurved nose. Th' first thing ye know ye'll be what
Hogan calls Casey's Bellows, an' manny a peaceful village in Indyanny'll
be desthroyed f'r ye'er folly. Why, be Hivens, it won't be long till
we'll have to be threatin' th' Chinese dacint. Think iv that will ye. I
r-read in th' pa-aper th' other day that th' Chinese ar-rmy had been
reorganized an' rearmed. Hincefoorth, instead iv th' old fashioned
petticoats they will wear th' more war-like short skirt. Th' palm leafs
have been cast aside f'r modhren quick-firin' fans, an' a complete new
assortment iv gongs, bows an' arrows, stink-pots, an' charms against th'
evil eye has been ordhered fr'm a well-known German firm. Be careful th'
next time ye think iv kickin' an empty ash-barl down yefer frind Lip
Hung's laundhry.
"It's hard f'r me to think iv th' Japs this way. But 'tis th' part iv
prudence. A few years ago I didn't think anny more about a Jap thin
abont anny other man that'd been kept in th' oven too long. They were
all alike to me. But to-day, whiniver I see wan I turn pale an' take off
me hat an' make a low bow. A few years ago an' I'd bet I was good f'r a
dozen iv thim. But I didn't know how tur-rible a people they are. Their
ships are th' best in th' wurruld. We think we've got good ships. Th'
Lord knows I'm told they cost us enough, though I don't remimber iver
payin' a cent f'r wan. But a Jap'nese rowboat cud knock to pieces th'
whole Atlantic squadron. It cud so. They're marvellous sailors. They
use guns that shoot around th' corner. They fire these here injines iv
desthruction with a mysteeryous powdher made iv a substance on'y known
to thim. It is called saltpether. These guns hurl projyctiles weighin'
eighty tons two thousand miles. On land they ar-re even more tur-rible.
A Jap'nese sojer can march three hundhred miles a day an' subsist on a
small piece iv chewin' gum. Their ar-rmy have arrived at such a
perfection at th' diffycult manoover known as th' goose step that they
have made this awful insthrument iv carnage th' terror iv th' armies iv
Europe. As cav'lrymen they ar-re unexcelled. There is on'y wan horse in
Japan, but ivry Japanese sojer has larned to ride him. To see wan iv
their magnificent cav'lry rijments goin' into action mounted on Joko is
a sight long to be raymimbered. Above all, th' Jap'nese is most to be
feared because iv his love iv home an' his almost akel love iv death. He
is so happy in Japan that we wud rather die somewhere's else. Most
sojers don't like to be kilt. A Jap'nese sojer prefers it. It was hard
to convince th' nation that they hadn't lost th' war with Rooshya
because not so many Rooshyans had been kilt as Japs. Faith we ought to
be scared iv thim. I niver see wan without wondhrin' whether me cellar
is bomb-proof.
"An' I sigh f'r th' good old days befure we become what Hogan calls a
wurruld power. In thim days our fav'rite spoort was playin' solytare,
winnin' money fr'm each other, an' no wan th' worse off. Ivry-body was
invious iv us. We didn't care f'r th' big game goin' on in th' corner.
Whin it broke up in a row we said: 'Gintlemen, gintlemen!' an' maybe
wint over an' grabbed somebody's stake. But we cudden't stand it anny
longer. We had to give up our simple little game iv patience an' cut
into th' other deal. An' now, be Hivens, we have no peace iv mind. Wan
hand we have wan partner; another hand he's again us. This minyit th'
Jap an' me ar-re playin' together an' I'm tellin' him what a fine lead
that was; th' next an' he's again me an' askin' me kindly not to look
at his hand. There ar-re no frinds at cards or wurruld pollyticks. Th'
deal changes an' what started as a frindly game iv rob ye'er neighbor
winds up with an old ally catchin' me pullin' an ace out iv me boot an'
denouncin' me."
"Sure thim little fellows wud niver tackle us," said Mr. Hennessy. "Th'
likes iv thim!"
"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "'tis because they ar-re little ye've got to be
polite to thim. A big man knows he don't have to fight, but whin a man
is little an' knows he's, little an' is thinkin' all th' time he's
little an' feels that ivrybody else is thinkin' he's little, look out
f'r him."
THE HAGUE CONFERENCE
"I see," said Mr. Hennessy, "we're goin' to sind th' navy to th'
Passyfic."
"I can't tell," said Mr. Dooley, "whether th' navy is goin' to spend th'
rest iv its days protectin' our possessions in th' Oryent or whether it
is to remain in th' neighborhood iv Barnstable makin' th' glaziers iv
New England rich beyond th' dhreams iv New England avarice, which ar-re
hopeful dhreams. Th' cabinet is divided, th' Sicrety iv th' Navy is
divided, th' Prisidint is divided an' th' press is divided. Wan great
iditor, fr'm his post iv danger in Paris, has ordhered th' navy to
report at San Francisco at four eight next Thursday. Another great
iditor livin' in Germany has warned it that it will do so at its peril.
Nawthin' is so fine as to see a great modhern journalist unbend fr'm his
mighty task iv selectin' fr'm a bunch iv phottygrafts th' prettiest
cook iv Flatbush or engineerin' with his great furrowed brain th' Topsy
Fizzle compytition to trifle with some light warm-weather subjict like
internaytional law or war. But men such as these can do annything.