have. An' I'll tell ye, Hinnissy, that no such orathry has been heerd in
Congress since Dan'l Webster's day, if thin. Th' walls iv Congress hall
has resounded with th' loftiest sintimints. Hinnery Cabin Lodge in
accents that wud melt th' heart iv th' coldest mannyfacthrer iv button
shoes has pleaded f'r freedom f'r th' skins iv cows. I'm sorry to say
that this appeal fr'm th' cradle iv our liberties wasn't succissful. Th'
hide iv th' pauperized kine iv Europe will have to cough up at th'
custom house befure they can be convarted into brogans. This pathriotic
result was secured be th' gallant Bailey iv Texas. A fine lib'ral minded
fellow, that lad Bailey. He's an ardint free thrader, mind ye. He's
almost a slave to th' historic principles iv th' Dimmycratic party. Ye
bet he is. But he's no blamed bigot. He can have principles an' he can
lave thim alone. An' I want to tell ye, me frind, that whin it comes to
disthributin' th' honors f'r this reform iv th' tariff, don't ye fail to
throw a few flowers, or, if bricks are handier, bricks at th'
riprisintatives iv our small but gallant party. It was a fine thing to
see thim standin' be th' battle cry iv our grand old organyzation.
"Says th' sinitor fr'm Louisyanny: 'Louisyanny, th' proudest jool in th'
dyadim iv our fair land, remains thrue to th' honored teachin's iv our
leaders. Th' protictive tariff is an abomynation. It is crushin' out th'
lives iv our people. An' wan iv th' worst parts iv this divvlish injine
iv tyranny is th' tariff on lathes. Fellow sinitors, as long,' he says,
'as I can stand, as long as nature will sustain me in me protest, while
wan dhrop iv pathriotic blood surges through me heart, I will raise me
voice again a tariff on lathes, onless,' he says, 'this dhread
implymint iv oppressyon is akelly used,' he says, 'to protict th' bland
an' beautiful molasses iv th' State iv me birth,' he says.
"'I am heartily in sympathy with th' sinitor fr'm Louisyanny,' says th'
sinitor fr'm Virginya. 'I loathe th' tariff. Fr'm me arliest days I was
brought up to look on it with pizenous hathred. At manny a con-vintion
ye cud hear me whoopin' again it. But if there is such a lot iv this
monsthrous iniquity passin' around, don't Virginya get none? How about
th' mother iv prisidents? Ain't she goin' to have a grab at annything?
Gintlemen, I do not ask, I demand rights f'r me commonwealth. I will
talk here ontil July fourth, nineteen hundhred an' eighty-two, agin th'
proposed hellish tax on feather beds onless somethin' is done f'r th'
tamarack bark iv old Virginya.'
"A sinitor: 'What's it used f'r?'
"Th' sinitor fr'm Virginya: 'I do not quite know. It is ayether a cure
f'r th' hives or enthers largely into th' mannyfacture iv carpet
slippers. But there's a frind iv mine, a lile Virginyan, who makes it
an' he needs th' money.'
"'Th' argymints iv th' sinitor fr'm Virginya are onanswerable,' says
Sinitor Aldhrich. 'Wud it be agreeable to me Dimmycratic collague to put
both feather beds an' his what's-ye-call-it in th' same item?'
"'In such circumstances,' says th' sinitor fr'm Virginya, 'I wud be
foorced to waive me almost insane prejudice again th' hellish docthrines
iv th' distinguished sinitor fr'm Rhode Island,' says he.
"An' so it goes, Hinnissy. Niver a sordid wurrud, mind ye, but ivrything
done on th' fine old principle iv give an' take."
"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "what diff'rence does it make? Th' foreigner
pays th' tax, annyhow."
"He does" said Mr. Dooley, "if he ain't turned back at Castle Garden."
THE BIG FINE
"That was a splendid fine they soaked Jawn D. with," said Mr. Dooley.
"What did they give him?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"Twinty-nine millyon dollars," said Mr. Dooley.
"Oh, great!" said Mr. Hennessy. "That's a grand fine. It's a gorjous
fine. I can't hardly believe it."
"It's thrue, though," said Mr. Dooley. "Twinty-nine millyon dollars.
Divvle th' cent less. I can't exactly make out what th' charge was that
they arrested him on, but th' gin'ral idee is that Jawn D. was goin'
around loaded up to th' guards with Standard Ile, exceedin' th' speed
limit in acquirin' money, an' singin' 'A charge to keep I have' till th'
neighbors cud stand it no longer. The judge says: 'Ye're an old
offender an' I'll have to make an example iv ye. Twinty-nine millyon
dollars or fifty-eight millyon days. Call th' next case, Misther Clerk.
"Did he pay th' fine? He did not. Iv coorse he cud if he wanted to. He
wuddent have to pawn annything to get th' money, ye can bet on that. All
he'd have to do would be to put his hand down in his pocket, skin
twinty-nine millyon dollar bills off iv his roll an' hurl thim at th'
clerk. But he refused to pay as a matter iv principle. 'Twas not that he
needed th' money. He don't care f'r money in th' passionate way that you
an' me do, Hinnissy. Th' likes iv us are as crazy about a dollar as a
man is about his child whin he has on'y wan. Th' chances are we'll spoil
it. But Jawn D., havin' a large an' growin' fam'ly iv dollars, takes
on'y a kind iv gin'ral inthrest in thim. He's issued a statement sayin'
that he's a custojeen iv money appinted be himsilf. He looks afther his
own money an' th' money iv other people. He takes it an' puts it where
it won't hurt thim an' they won't spoil it. He's a kind iv a society f'r
th' previntion of croolty to money. If he finds a man misusing his money
he takes it away fr'm him an' adopts it. Ivry Saturdah night he lets th'
man see it fr a few hours. An' he says he's surprised to find that whin,
with th' purest intintions in th' wurruld, he is found thryin' to coax
our little money to his home where it'll find conjanial surroundings an'
have other money to play with, th' people thry to lynch him an' th'
polis arrest him f'r abduction.
"So as a matther iv principle he appealed th' case. An appeal, Hinnissy,
is where ye ask wan coort to show it's contempt f'r another coort. 'Tis
sthrange that all th' pathrites that have wanted to hang Willum Jennings
Bryan an' mesilf f'r not showin' proper respect f'r th' joodicyary, are
now showin' their respect f'r th' joodicyary be appealin' fr'm their
decisions. Ye'd think Jawn D. wud bow his head reverentially in th'
awful presence iv Kenesaw Mt. Landis an' sob out: 'Thank ye'er honor.
This here noble fine fills me with joy. But d'ye think ye give me
enough? If agreeable I'd like to make it an even thirty millyons.' But
he doesn't. He's like mesilf. Him an' me bows to th' decisions iv th'
coorts on'y if they bow first.
"I have gr-reat respect f'r th' joodicyary, as fine a lot iv cross an'
indignant men as ye'll find annywhere. I have th' same respect f'r thim
as they have f'r each other. But I niver bow to a decision iv a judge
onless, first, it's pleasant to me, an', second, other judges bow to it.
Ye can't be too careful about what decisions ye bow to. A decision that
seems agreeable may turn out like an acquaintance ye scrape up at a
picnic. Ye may be ashamed iv it to-morrah. Manny's th' time I've bowed
to a decree iv a coort on'y to see it go up gayly to th' supreem coort,
knock at th' dure an' be kicked down stairs be an angry old gintleman in
a black silk petticoat. A decree iv th' coort has got to be pretty
vinrable befure I do more thin greet it with a pleasant smile.
"Me idee was whin I read about Jawn D's fine that he'd settle at wanst,
payin' twinty-eight millyon dollars in millyon dollar bills an' th'
other millyon in chicken-feed like ten thousand dollar bills just to
annoy th' clerk. But I ought to've known betther. Manny's th' time I've
bent me proud neck to a decision iv a coort that lasted no longer thin
it took th' lawyer f'r th' definse to call up another judge on th'
tillyphone. A judge listens to a case f'r days an' hears, while he's
figurin' a possible goluf score on his blotting pad, th' argymints iv
two or three lawyers that no wan wud dare to offer a judgeship to.
Gin'rally speakin', judges are lawyers. They get to be judges because
they have what Hogan calls th' joodicyal timp'ramint, which is why
annybody gets a job. Th' other kind people won't take a job. They'd
rather take a chance. Th' judge listens to a case f'r days an' decides
it th' way he intinded to. D'ye find th' larned counsel that's just
been beat climbin' up on th' bench an' throwin' his arms around th'
judge? Ye bet ye don't. He gathers his law books into his arms, gives
th' magistrate a look that means, 'There's an eliction next year', an'
runs down th' hall to another judge. Th' other judge hears his kick an'
says he: 'I don't know annything about this here case except what ye've
whispered to me, but I know me larned collague an' I wuddent thrust him
to referee a roller-skatin' contest. Don't pay th' fine till ye hear
fr'm me.' Th' on'y wan that bows to th' decision is th' fellow that won,
an' pretty soon he sees he's made a mistake, f'r wan day th' other coort
comes out an' declares that th' decision of th' lower coort is another
argymint in favor iv abolishing night law schools.
"That's th' way Jawn D. felt about it an' he didn't settle. I wondher
will they put him away if he don't pay ivinchooly? 'Twill be a long
sentence. A frind iv mine wanst got full iv kerosene an' attempted to
juggle a polisman. They thried him whin he come out iv th' emergency
hospital an' fined him a hundhred dollars. He didn't happen to have that
amount with him at th' moment or at anny moment since th' day he was
born. But the judge was very lenient with him. He said he needn't pay it
if he cuddent. Th' coort wud give him a letther of inthroduction to th'
bridewell an' he cud stay there f'r two hundhred days. At that rate
it'll be a long time befure Jawn D. an' me meet again on the
goluf-links. Hogan has it figured out that if Jawn D. refuses to go back
on his Puritan principles an' separate himsilf fr'm his money he'll be
wan hundhred an' fifty-eight thousand years in cold storage. A man ought
to be pretty good at th' lock step in a hundhred an' fifty-eight
thousand years.
"Well, sir, glory be but times has changed whin they land me gr-reat an'
good frind with a fine that's about akel to three millyon dhrunk an'
disorderly cases. 'Twud've been cheaper if he'd took to dhrink arly in
life. I've made a vow, Hinnissy, niver to be very rich. I'd like to be
a little rich, but not rich enough f'r anny wan to notice that me
pockets bulged. Time was whin I dhreamed iv havin' money an' lots iv it.
'Tis thrue I begun me dhreams at th' wrong end, spent th' money befure I
got it. I was always clear about th' way to spend it but oncertain about
th' way to get it. If th' Lord had intinded me to be a rich man He'd've
turned me dhreams around an' made me clear about makin' th' money but
very awkward an' shy about gettin' rid iv it. There are two halves to
ivry dollar. Wan is knowin' how to make it an' th' other is not knowin'
how to spend it comfortably. Whin I hear iv a man with gr-reat business
capacity I know he's got an akel amount iv spending incapacity. No
matter how much he knew about business he wuddent be rich if he wasn't
totally ignorant iv a science that we have developed as far as our means
will allow. But now, I tell ye, I don't dhream iv bein' rich. I'm afraid
iv it. In th' good old days th' polis coorts were crowded with th'
poor. They weren't charged with poverty, iv coorse, but with the results
iv poverty, d'ye mind. Now, be Hivens, th' rich have invaded even th'
coorts an' the bridewell. Manny a face wearin' side whiskers an' gold
rimmed specs peers fr'm th' windows iv th' black Maria. 'What's this man
charged with?' says th' coort. 'He was found in possession iv tin
millyon dollars,' says th' polisman. An' th' judge puts on th' black
cap."
"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "'tis time they got what was comin' to thim."
"I'll not say ye're wrong," said Mr. Dooley. "I see th' way me frind
Jawn D. feels about it. He thinks he's doin' a great sarvice to th'
worruld collectin' all th' money in sight. It might remain in
incompetint hands if he didn't get it. 'Twud be a shame to lave it where
it'd be misthreated. But th' on'y throuble with Jawn is that he don't
see how th' other fellow feels about it. As a father iv about thirty
dollars I want to bring thim up mesilf in me own foolish way. I may not
do what's right be thim. I may be too indulgent with thim. Their home
life may not be happy. Perhaps 'tis clear that if they wint to th'
Rockyfellar institution f'r th' care iv money they'd be in betther
surroundings, but whin Jawn thries to carry thim off I raise a cry iv
'Polis,' a mob iv people that niver had a dollar iv their own an' niver
will have wan, pounce on th' misguided man, th' polis pinch him, an' th'
governmint condemns th' institution an' lets out th' inmates an' a good
manny iv thim go to th'bad."
"D'ye think he'll iver sarve out his fine?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"I don't know," said Mr. Dooley. "But if he does, whin he comes out
at the end iv a hundhred an fifty-eight thousand years he'll find a
great manny changes in men's hats an' th' means iv transportation but
not much in annything else. He may find flyin' machines, though it'll be
arly f'r thim, but he'll see a good manny people still walkin' to their
wurruk."
EXPERT TESTIMONY
"What's an expert witness?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"An expert witness," said Mr. Dooley, "is a doctor that thinks a man
must be crazy to be rich. That's thrue iv most iv us, but these doctors
don't mean it th' way I do. Their theery is that annything th' rich do
that ye want to do an' don't do is looney. As between two men with
money, th' wan with most money is craziest. If ye want a diploma f'r
sanity, Hinnissy, th' on'y chance ye have iv gettin' it is to commit a
crime an' file an invintory iv ye'er estate with th' coort. Ye'll get a
certy-ficate iv sanity that ye'll be able to show with pride whin ye're
let out iv Joliet.
"In th' old days if a man kilt another man he took three jumps fr'm th'
scene iv th' disaster to th' north corrydor iv th' County Jail. That
still goes f'r th' poor man. No wan has thried to rob him iv th'
privilege won f'r him be his ancestors iv bein' quickly an' completely
hanged. A photygraph iv him is took without a collar, he's yanked befure
an awful coort iv justice, a deef-mute lawyer is appinted to look afther
his inthrests an' see that they don't suffer be bein' kept in th' stuffy
atmosphere iv th' coortroom, th' State's attorney presints a handsome
pitcher iv him as a fiend in human form, th' judge insthructs th' jury
iv onprejudiced jurors in a hurry to get home that they ar-re th' sole
judges iv th' law an' th' fact, th' law bein' that he ought to be hanged
an' th' fact bein' that he will be hanged, an' befure our proletory
frind comes out iv his thrance he's havin' his first thorough fill-up iv
ham an' eggs, an' th' clargy ar-re showin' an amount iv inthrest in him
that must be surprisin' to a man iv his humble station.
"A few days later I r-read in th' pa-apers in a column called 'Brief
News Jottings,' just below a paragraph about th' meetin' iv th'
Dairyman's Assocyation, an account iv how justice has pursooed her grim
coorse in th' case iv John Adamowski. An' I'm thankful to know that th'
law has been avinged, that life an' property again ar-re safe in our
fair land iv freedom, an' that th' wretched criminal lived long enough
to get all he wanted to eat.
"Justice is all a poor criminal asks f'r, an' that's what he gets. He
don't desarve a anny betther. 'Tis like askin' on'y f'r a pair iv dooces
in a car-d game an' havin to bet thim. If I done wrong I'd say: 'Don't
deal me anny justice. Keep it f'r thim that wants it. Undher th'
circumstances all I ask is a gr-reat deal iv injustice an' much mercy. I
do not ask to be acquitted be a jury iv me peers. I am a modest man an'
I'll accipt me freedom fr'm th' humblest bailiff in th' land. I do not
care to come triumphant out iv this ordeel an' repoort other cases f'r
th' newspa-apers. All I ask is a block's start an' some wan holdin' th'
polisman's coattails. I waive me right to be thried be an incorruptible,
fair, an' onprejudiced Judge. Give me wan that's onfair an' prejudiced
an' that ye can slip somethin' to.
"No, sir, whin a man's broke an' does something wrong, th' on'y temple
iv justice he ought to get into is a freight car goin' West. Don't niver
thrust that there tough-lookin' lady with th' soord in her hand an' th'
handkerchief over her eyes. She may be blind, though I've seen thriles
where she raised th' bandage an' winked at th' aujence--she may be
blind, but 'tis th' fine sinse iv touch she has, an' if ye vinture into
her lodgins an' she goes through ye'er pockets an' finds on'y th'
pawnticket f'r th' watch ye stole off Hogan, she locks th' dure, takes
off th' handkerchief, an' goes at ye with th' soord.
"But suppose ye have a little iv th' useful with ye. Ye br-reak into
Hogan's house some night sufferin' fr'm an incontrollable impulse to
take his watch. Don't get mad, now. I'm on'y supposin' all this. Ye
wudden't take his watch. He has no watch. Well, he's sound asleep. Ye
give him a good crack on th' head so he won't be disturbed, an' hook th'
clock fr'm undher th' pillow. Th' next day ye're arristed. Th' pa-apers
comes out with th' news: 'Haughty sign iv wealthy fam'ly steals watch
fr'm awful Hogan. Full account iv dhreadful career iv th' victim.
Unwritten law to be invoked,' an' there's an article to show that anny
wan has a right to take Hogan's watch, that he was not a proper man to
have th' care iv a watch, annyhow, an' that ye done well to hook it.
This is always th' first step to'rd securin' cold justice f'r th' rich.
Ye're next ilicted a mimber iv nearly all th' ministers' assocyations,
an' finally, in ordher that th' law may be enfoorced without regard to
persons, an expert witness is hired f'r ye.
"Th' thrile begins. Ye walk in with a quick, nervous sthride an' set th'
watch be th' coort clock. 'Ar-re ye guilty or not guilty?' says th'
clerk. 'Guilty an' glad iv it,' says ye'er lawyer amid cheers an'
hisses. 'Have ye th' watch with ye?' says th' coort. 'I have,' says th'
pris'ner, smilin' in his peculiar way. 'Lave me look at it,' says th'
coort. 'I will not,' says the pris'ner, puttin' it back into his pocket.
'How ar-re ye goin' to defind this crook?' says th' Judge. 'We ar-re
goin' to prove that at th' time he committed this crime he was insane,'
says th' lawyer. 'I object,' says th' State's attorney. 'It is not legal
to inthrajooce evidence iv insanity till th' proper foundations is
established. Th' defince must prove that th' pris'ner has money. How do
we know he isn't broke like th' rest iv us?' Th' coort: 'How much money
have ye got?' The pris'ner: 'Two millyon dollars, but I expect more.'
Th' coort: 'Objection overruled.'
"Th' expert is called. 'Doctor, what expeeryence have ye had among th'
head cures?' 'I have been f'r forty years in an asylum.' 'As guest or
landlord?' 'As both.' 'Now, doctor, I will ask you a question.
Supposin' this pris'ner to be a man with a whole lot iv money, an'
supposin' he wint to this house on th' night in question, an' suppose it
was snowin', an' suppose it wasn't, an' suppose he turned fr'm th' right
hand corner to th' left goin' upstairs, an' supposin' he wore a plug hat
an' a pair iv skates, an' supposin' th' next day was Winsday--' 'I
objict,' says th' State's attorney. 'Th' statues, with which me larned
frind is no doubt familiar, though I be darned if he shows it, f'rbids
th' mention iv th' days iv th' week.' 'Scratch out Winsday an'
substichoot four o'clock in Janooary,' says th' coort. 'Now, how does
th' sentence r-read?' 'Th' next day was four o'clock in Janooary--an'
supposin' th' amount iv money, an' supposin' ye haven't got a very large
salary holdin' th' chair iv conniption fits at th' college, an'
supposin' ye don't get a cent onless ye answer r-right, I ask ye, on th'
night in question whin th' pris'ner grabbed th' clock, was he or was he
not funny at th' roof?' 'I objict to th' form iv question,' says th'
State's attorney. 'In th' eighth sintince I move to sthrike out th'
wurrud and as unconstitutional, unprofissyonal, an' conthry to th'
laws iv evidence.' 'My Gawd, has my clint no rights in this coort?' says
th' other lawyer. 'Ye bet he has,' says th' coort. 'We'll sthrike out
th' wurrud and but well substichoot th' more proper wurrud
"aloofness."
"'Did ye see th' pris'ner afther his arrest?' 'I did.' 'Where?' 'In th'
pa-apers.' 'What was he doin'?' 'His back was tur-rned.' 'What did that
indicate to ye?' 'That he had been sufferin' fr'm a variety iv tomaine
excelsis--' 'Greek wurruds,' says th' coort. 'Latin an' Greek,' says th'
expert. 'Pro-ceed,' says th' coort. 'I come to th' conclusion,' says th'
expert, 'that th' man, when he hooked th' watch, was sufferin' fr'm a
sudden tempest in his head, a sudden explosion as it were, a sudden I
don't know-what-th'-divvle-it-was, that kind iv wint off in his
chimbley, like a storm at sea.' 'Was he in anny way bug befure th'
crime?' 'Not a bit. He suffered fr'm warts whin a boy, which sometimes
leads to bozimbral hoptocollographophiloplutomania, or what th' Germans
call tantrums, but me gin'ral con-clusion was that he was perfectly sane
all his life till this minnyit, an' that so much sanity wint to his head
an' blew th' cover off.'
"'Has he been sane iver since?' says the lawyer. 'Ye'd betther have a
care how ye answer that question, me boy,' says th' pris'ner, carelessly
jingling th' loose change in his pocket. 'Sane?' says th' expert. 'Well,
I shud think he was. Why, I can hardly imagine how he stayed
feather-headed long enough to take th' villan's joolry. Sane, says ye? I
don't mean anny disrespect to th' coort or th' bar, but if ye gintlemen
had half as much good brains in ye'er head as he has, ye'd not be
wastin' ye'er time here. There ain't a man in this counthry th' akel iv
this gr-reat man. Talk about Dan'l Webster, he was an idyut compared
with this joynt intelleck. No, sir, he's a fine, thoughtful, able,
magnificent specimen iv man an' has been iver since between twelve four
an' twelve four-an'-a-half on that fatal night. An' a good fellow at
that.'
"'What d'ye propose to do to stand this here testymony off?' says th'
Judge. 'I propose,' says th' State's attorney, 'to prove be some rale
experts, men who have earned their repytations be testifyin' eight ways
fr'm th' jack in a dozen criminal cases, that so far fr'm bein' insane
on this particklar night, this was th' on'y time that he was perfeckly
sane.' 'Oh, look here, Judge,' says Bedalia Sassyfrass iv _Th' Daily
Fluff_, 'this here has gone far enough. Th' man's not guilty, an' if ye
don't want a few remarks printed about ye, that'll do ye no good, ye'll
let him off.' 'Don't pay anny attintion to what she says, Fitzy,' says
another lady. 'Her decayed newspa-aper has no more circulation thin a
cucumber. We expict ye to follow th' insthructions printed in our
vallyable journal this mornin'.'
"'Sir,' says a tall man, risin' in his place, 'I am th' Riv'rend
Thompson Jubb.' 'Not th' notoryous shepherd iv that name?' 'Th' same,'
says th' Riv'rend Jubb. 'That lowly worker in th' vineyard iv th' Lord
who astonished th' wurruld be atin' glass in th' pulpit an' havin' th'
Bible tattooed on him. I wish th' privilege iv standin' on me head an'
playin' "A charge to keep I have" on the accorjeen with me feet.
'Granted,' says th' coort. 'I will now charge th' jury as to th' law an'
th' fact: I am all mixed up on th' law; th' fact is there's a mob
outside waitin' to lynch ye if ye don't do what it wants. Th' coort will
now adjourn be th' back dure.' 'Where's th' pris'ner?' says th' expert.
'He has gone to addhress a mothers' meetin',' says th' clerk. 'Thin I
must be goin' too,' says th' expert. An' there ye ar-re."
"I'm glad that fellow got me off", said Mr. Hennessy, "but thim experts
ar-re a bad lot. What's th' difference between that kind iv tistymony
an' perjury?"
"Ye pay ye'er money an' take ye'er choice", said Mr. Dooley.
THE CALL OF THE WILD
"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "I see me frind Tiddy Rosenfelt has been
doin' a little lithry criticism, an' th' hospitals are full iv mangled
authors. Th' next time wan iv thim nature authors goes out into th'
woods lookin' f'r his prey he'll go on crutches."
"What's it about?" asked Mr. Hennessy.