Passyfic or not? If it goes at all, it won't be to make war. They've
dumped all th' fourteen inch shells into th' sea. Th' ammunition hoists
ar-re filled with American beauty roses an' orchids. Th' guns are loaded
with confetty. Th' officers dhrink nawthin' sthronger thin vanilla an'
sthrawberry mixed. Whin th' tars go ashore they hurry at wanst to th'
home iv th' Christyan Indeavor Society or throng th' free libries
readin' relligous pothry. Me frind Bob Evans is goin' to conthribute a
series iv articles to th' _Ladies' Home Journal_ on croshaying. F'r th'
Hague Peace Conference has abolished war, Hinnissy. Ye've seen th' last
war ye'll iver see, me boy. Th' Hague conference, Hinnissy, was got up
be th' Czar iv Rooshya just befure he moved his army agin th' Japs. It
was a quiet day at Saint Pethersburg. Th' Prime Minister had just been
blown up with dinnymite, th' Czar's uncle had been shot, an' wan iv his
cousins was expirin' fr'm a dose iv proosic acid. All was comparitive
peace. In th' warrum summer's afthernoon th' Czar felt almost dhrousy as
he set in his rile palace an' listened to th' low, monotonous-drone iv
bombs bein' hurled at th' Probojensky guards, an' picked th' broken
glass out iv th' dhrink that'd just been brought to him be an aged
servitor who was prisidint iv th' Saint Pethersburg lodge iv Pathriotic
Assassins. Th' monarch's mind turned to th' subjick iv war an' he says
to himsilf: 'What a dhreadful thing it is that such a beautiful wurruld
shud be marred be thousands iv innocint men bein' sint out to shoot each
other f'r no cause whin they might betther stay at home an' wurruk f'r
their rile masthers,' he says. 'I will disguise mesilf as a moojik an'
go over to th' tillygraft office an' summon a meetin' iv th' Powers,' he
says.
"That's how it come about. All th' powers sint dillygates an' a g-reat
manny iv th' weaknesses did so too. They met in Holland an' they have
been devotin' all their time since to makin' war impossible in th'
future. Th' meetin' was opened with an acrimonyous debate over a
resolution offered be a dillygate fr'm Paryguay callin' f'r immeejit
disarmamint, which is th' same, Hinnissy, as notifyin' th' Powers to
turn in their guns to th' man at th' dure. This was carrid be a very
heavy majority. Among those that voted in favor iv it were: Paryguay,
Uryguay, Switzerland, Chiny, Bilgium, an' San Marino. Opposed were
England, France, Rooshya, Germany, Italy, Austhree, Japan, an' the
United States.
"This was regarded be all present as a happy auggry. Th' convintion thin
discussed a risolution offered be th' Turkish dillygate abolishin' war
altogether. This also was carried, on'y England, France, Rooshya,
Germany, Italy, Austhree, Japan, an' th' United States votin' no.
"This made th' way clear f'r th' discussion iv th' larger question iv
how future wars shud be conducted in th' best inthrests iv peace. Th'
conference considhered th' possibility iv abolishin' th' mushroom bullet
which, entherin' th' inteeryor iv th' inimy not much larger thin a
marble, soon opens its dainty petals an' goes whirlin' through th'
allyminthry canal like a pin-wheel. Th' Chinese dillygate said that he
regarded this here insthrumint iv peace as highly painful. He had an
aunt in Pekin, an estimable lady, unmarried, two hundhred an' fifty
years iv age, who received wan without warnin' durin' th' gallant riscue
iv Pekin fr'm th' foreign legations a few years ago. He cud speak with
feelin' on th' subjick as th' Chinese army did not use these
pro-jictyles but were armed with bean-shooters.
"Th' English dillygate opposed th' resolution. 'It is,' says he, 'quite
thrue that these here pellets are in many cases harmful to th'
digestion, but I think it wud be goin' too far to suggest that they be
abolished ontil their mannyfacther is betther undherstud be th' subjick
races,' he says. 'I suppose wan iv these bullets might throw a white man
off his feed, but we have abundant proof that whin injicted into a black
man they gr-reatly improve his moral tone. An' afther all, th'
improvemint iv th' moral tone is, gintlemen, a far graver matther thin
anny mere physical question. We know fr'm expeeryence in South Africa
that th' charmin' bullet now undher discussion did much to change
conditions in that enlightened an' juicy part iv his Majesty's domains.
Th' darky that happened to stop wan was all th' betther f'r it. He
retired fr'm labor an' give up his squalid an' bigamious life,' he says.
'I am in favor, howiver, iv restrictin' their use to encounters with
races that we properly considher infeeryor,' he says. Th' dillygate fr'm
Sinagambya rose to a question iv privilege. 'State ye'er question iv
privilege,' says th' chairman. 'I wud like to have th' windows open,'
says th' dillygate fr'm Sinagambya. 'I feel faint,' he says.
"Th' Honorable Joe Choate, dillygate fr'm th' United States, moved that
in future wars enlisted men shud not wear ear-rings. Carried, on'y Italy
votin' no.
"Th' conference thin discussed blowin' up th' inimy with dinnymite,
poisinin' him, shootin' th' wounded, settin' fire to infants, bilin'
prisoners-iv-war in hot lard, an' robbin' graves. Some excitemint was
created durin' th' talk be th' dillygate fr'm th' cannybal islands who
proposed that prisoners-iv-war be eaten. Th' German dillygate thought
that this was carryin' a specyal gift iv wan power too far. It wud give
th' cannybal islands a distinct advantage in case iv war, as Europeen
sojers were accustomed to horses. Th' English dillygate said that while
much cud be said against a practice which personally seemed to him
rather unsportsmanlike, still he felt he must reserve th' right iv anny
cannybal allies iv Brittanya to go as far as they liked. Th'
Hon'orable Joe Choate moved that in future wars no military band shud be
considered complete without a base-dhrum. Carrid.
"Th' entire South American dillygation said that no nation ought to go
to war because another nation wanted to put a bill on th' slate. Th'
English dillygate was much incensed. 'Why, gintlemen', says he, 'if ye
deprived us iv th' right to collect debts be killin' th' debtor ye wud
take away fr'm war its entire moral purpose. I must ask ye again to
cease thinkin' on this subjick in a gross mateeryal way an' considher
th' moral side alone,' he says. Th' conference was much moved be this
pathetic speech, th' dillygate fr'm France wept softly into his
hankerchef, an' th' dillygate fr'm Germany wint over an' forcibly took
an open-face goold watch fr'm th' dillygate fr'm Vinzwala.
"Th' Hon'rable Joe Choate moved that in all future wars horses shud be
fed with hay wheriver possible. Carrid. A long informal talk on th'
reinthroduction iv scalpin' followed. At last th' dillygate fr'm Chiny
arose an' says he: 'I'd like to know what war is. What is war annyhow?'
'Th' Lord knows, we don't,' says th' chairman. 'We're all profissors iv
colledges or lawyers whin we're home,' he says. 'Is it war to shoot my
aunt?' says th' dillygate fr'm Chiny. Cries iv 'No, no.' 'Is it war to
hook me father's best hat that he left behind whin he bashfully hurrid
away to escape th' attintions iv Europeen sojery?' he says. 'Is robbery
war?' says he. 'Robbery is a nicissry part iv war,' says th' English
dillygate. 'F'r th' purpose iv enfoorcin' a moral example,' he says.
"'Well,' says old Wow Chow, 'I'd like to be able to go back home an' tell
thim what war really is. A few years back ye sint a lot iv young men
over to our part iv th' wurruld an' without sayin' with ye'er leave or
by ye'er leave they shot us an' they hung us up be our psyche knots an'
they burned down our little bamboo houses. Thin they wint up to Pekin,
set fire to th' town, an' stole ivry thing in sight. I just got out iv
th' back dure in time to escape a jab in th' spine fr'm a German that I
niver see befure. If it hadn't been that whin I was a boy I won th'
hundred yards at th' University iv Slambang in two hours an' forty
minyits, an' if it hadn't happened that I was lightly dhressed in a
summer overskirt an' a thin blouse, an' if th' German hadn't stopped to
steal me garters, I wudden't be here at this moment,' says he. 'Was that
war or wasn't it?' he says. 'It was an expedition,' says th' dillygate
fr'm England, 'to serve th' high moral jooties iv Christyan
civvylization.' 'Thin,' says th' dillygate fr'm Chiny, puttin' on his
hat, 'I'm f'r war,' he says. 'It ain't so rough,' he says. An' he wint
home."
TURKISH POLITICS
"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "onaisy lies th' crown on anny king's head
these days. Th' time was whin it was me ambition or wan iv thim to be a
king. Arly in life I'd committed the youthful folly iv bein' born
outside iv th' counthry an' so I cuddent be Prisidint. But it don't make
anny diff'rence what counthry a king comes from so long as he don't come
fr'm th' counthry where he's king. 'No natives need apply,' is th'
motto. If a counthry is so bad off that it has to have a king, they sind
a comity down to Ellis Island an' pick out a good healthy Scandinavyan,
make him throw away his wooden shoes an' leather cap, an' proclaim him
king, Definder iv th' Faith. Kings are th' on'y assisted immygrants that
are let in. Th' King iv England is German, th' King iv Italy is a
Sardine, th' King iv Sweden is a Fr-rinchman, an' all th' other kings
an' queens are Danes excipt th' King iv Denmark, an' th' Lord knows what
he is.
"So ye see, Hinnissy, there's nawthin' in th' Constitution to prevint me
fr'm bein' a king, an I looked forward to th' time whin I'd turn th'
Illinye Cinthral deepo into a rile palace an' rule me subjicks,
ye'ersilf among thim, with a high hand. I'd be a just but marciful
monarch. No wan that come to th' palace wud go away empty handed. I'd
always lave thim a little something. Divvle a bit iv a cabinet I'd have,
but I'd surround mesilf with th' best thrained flattherers that cud be
hired f'r love or money, an' no wan wud tell me th' truth, an' I'd live
an' die happy. I'd show these modhern kings how a king ought to behave.
Ye wudden't see Martin I, iv beloved mim'ry, runnin' around like a hired
entertainer, wan day doin' th wurruk iv a talkative bricklayer at th'
layin' iv a cornerstone, another day presidin' over a bankit iv th'
Amalgamated Society iv Mannyfacthrers iv Hooks-an'-Eyes or racin' horses
with Boots Durnell an' Charlie Ox or waitin' out in th' rain f'r a
balloon to come down that's stuck on a church steeple forty miles away.
No, sir, I'd niver appear in public but wanst a year, an' thin I'd
blindfold me lile subjicks so that they'd stay lile. An' I'd niver open
me mouth excipt to command music an' dhrink. But th' low taste iv kings
has rooned th' business as a pursoot f'r gintlemen, an' to-day I'd think
twict befure takin' th' job. 'Tis as preecaryous as a steeple jack's,
an' no more permanent thin a Rosenfelt holdover undher Taft. If a king
goes out an' looks haughty some wan iv his subjicks fires a gas pipe
bomb at him, an' if he thries to be janial he's li'ble to be slapped on
th' back in th' paddock an' called 'Joe.'
"Look at me frind, Abdul Hamid. Whin I dhreamed iv bein' king, sometimes
I let me mind run on till I had mesilf promoted to be Sultan iv Turkey.
There, me boy, was a job that always plazed me. It was well paid, it
looked to be permanent, and I thought it about th' best situation in th'
wurruld. Th' Sultan was a kind iv a combination iv pope an' king. If he
didn't like ye, he first excommunicated ye an' thin he sthrangled ye.
There, thinks I to mesilf, there he sets, th' happy old ruffyan, on a
silk embroidered lounge, in his hand-wurruked slippers, with his legs
curled up undher him, a turban on his head, a crooked soord in his lap,
a pitcher iv sherbet (which is th' dhrink in thim parts) at his elbow, a
pipestem like a hose in his hand, while nightingales whistle in th'
cypress threes in th' garden an' beautiful Circassyan ladies dance in
front iv him far fr'm his madding throng iv wives, as th' pote says.
"Whin th' sicrety iv th' threasury wants to repoort to him, he starts
fr'm his office on his stomach an' wriggles into th' august prisince.
'What is it ye want, oh head iv lignum vity?' says th' Sultan. 'Bark f'r
th' ladies,' says he with a chuckle. 'Oh, descindant iv th' prophet,
whose name be blest! Oh, sun an' moon an' stars, whose frown is death
an' whose smile is heaven to th' faithful;--' 'Don't be so familyar with
me first name,' says th' Sultan, 'but go on with ye'er contimptible
supplication,' says he. 'Ye'er slave,' says th' sicrety iv th' threasury
fr'm th' flure, 'is desthroyed with grief to tell ye that afther
standin' th' intire empire on its head he's been onable to shake out
more thin two millyon piasthres f'r this week's expinses iv ye'er
awfulness,' says he. 'What!' says th' sultan, 'two millyon
piasthres--bar'ly enough to buy bur-rd seed f'r me bulbuls,' says he.
'How dare ye come into me august prisince with such an insult. Lave it
on th' flure f'r th' boy that sweeps up, oh, son iv a tailor,' he says,
an' he gives a nod an' fr'm behind a curtain comes Jawn Johnson with
little on him, an' th' next thing ye hear iv th' faithless minister is a
squeak an' a splash. He rules be love alone, thinks I, an' feelin' that
life without love is useless, annybody that don't love him can go an'
get measured f'r a name plate an' be sure he'll need it befure th' price
is lower. His people worship him an' why shudden't they. He allows thim
to keep all th' dogs they want, he proticts thim fr'm dissolute habits
be takin' their loose money fr'm thim, an' ivry year he gives thim an
Armeenyan massacree which is a great help to th' cigareet business in
this counthry.
"Happy Abdul, thinks I. If I cud be a haythen an' was a marryin' man,
'tis ye'er soft spot I'd like to land in f'r me declinin' days. So whin
I r-read in th' pa-apers that there was a rivolution startin' to fire
Abdul Hamid, I says to mesilf: 'A fine chance ye've got, me lads. That
old boy will be holdin' down his job whin there's a resignation fr'm th'
supreeme coort bench at Wash'nton,' says I. 'Th' first thing ye young
Turks know ye'll-be gettin' a prisent fr'm ye'er sov'reign iv a
necktie,' says I, 'an' it won't fit ye,' says I.
"Well, sir, I was wrong. I knew I was wrong th' minyit I see a pitcher
iv Abdul Hamid in th' pa-aper--a snap-shot, mind ye! Think of that,
will ye? D'ye suppose a sultan or a king that knew his thrade wud iver
let anny wan take a snap-shot iv him? Did ye iver hear iv Alexander th'
Gr-reat or Napoleon Bonyparte havin' a snap-shot took iv him? No, sir.
Whin they wanted to satisfy th' vulgar curiosity iv th' popylace to know
what their lord looked like, they chained an artist to a wall in th'
cellar of th' palace an', says they: 'Now set down an' paint a pitcher
iv me that will get ye out iv here,' says they. Nobody in thim days knew
that th' king had a mole on his nose an' that wan iv his eyes was made
iv glass, excipt th' people that had jobs to lose.
"Up to th' time Abdul Hamid wint thrapezin' around Constantinople in a
hack an' havin' his pitcher took be amachoor phottygrafters his job was
secure. Up to that time whin wan Turk talked to another about him they
talked in whispers. 'What d'ye suppose he's like, Osman?' says wan. 'Oh
me, oh my,' says th' other, 'but he's th' tur-rble wan. They says his
voice is like thunder, an' lightnin' shoots fr'm his eyes that wud
shrivel th' likes iv ye an' me to a cinder.' But whin Abdul, be damid,
as th' potes call him, made th' mistake iv pokin' his head out iv th'
palace 'twas diff'rent. 'Well, who d'ye think I see to-day but th'
Sultan. I tell ye I did. What is he like? He ain't much to look at--a
skinny little man, Osman, that ye cud sthrangle between ye'er thumb an'
forefinger. He had a bad cold an' was sneezin'. He wore a hand-me-down
coat. He has a wen on th' back iv his neck an' he's crosseyed. Here's a
pitcher iv him.' 'What, that little runt? Ye don't mean to say that's
th' Sultan.--Why, he looks like th' fellow that stops me ivry day on th'
corner an' asks me have I anny old clothes betther thin what I have on.
An' to think iv th' likes iv him rulin' over th' likes iv us. Let's
throw him out.'
"So it was with me old frind Abdul. Wan day a captain an' a squad iv
polis backed th' wagon up to th' dure iv th' palace an' rung th' bell.
'Who's there?' says th' Sultan, stuffin' th' loose change into his shoe.
'Th' house is pulled,' says th' captain. 'Ye'er license is expired. Ye'd
betther come peaceful,' he says. An' they bust in th' dure an' th'
Sultan puts a shirt an' a couple iv collars into a grip an' selicts
iliven iv his least formid-able wives to go along with him an' they put
on their bonnets an' shawls an' carry out their bur-rd cages an' their
goold fish an' their fancy wurruk an' th' pathrol wagon starts off an'
has to stop so that iliven iv thim can go back an' get something they
f'rgot at th' last moment an' th' ex-commander iv th' faithful says,
'Did ye iver know wan iv thim to be ready, Cap?' an' th' captain says,
'They're all alike, Doc,' an' th' dhriver clangs th' bell, an' off goes
th' mighty potentate to a two-story frame house in Englewood. An' th'
sultan's brother is taken out iv a padded cell where he had been kept
f'r twinty years because he was crazy to be sultan, an' is boosted into
th' throne. An' he has his pitcher took an' is intherviewed be th'
reporthers an' tells thim he will do th' best he can an' he hopes th'
press won't be too hard on him, because he is a poor loonytick annyhow.
"An' there ye ar-re. There goes me dhream iv bein' sultan along with me
dhream iv bein' a gr-reat gin'ral till th' Spanish war. If that's th'
kind iv job a sultan has, I'll lave it f'r anny wan to take that wants
it. Why, be Hivens, whin th' Young Turks come to search th' palace, like
th' pathrites they ar-re, to find if he'd left anny money behind, divvle
th' thrace they found iv annything that I'd thrade f'r me back room. I
begun to feel sorry f'r th' poor old miscreent. Instead iv lollin' on a
sofy an' listenin' to th' song iv th' mockin' bur-rd in th' pommygranite
threes while ladies fr'm th' chorus iv 'Th' Black Crook' fanned him with
fans iv peacock feathers, th' mis'rable old haythen was locked up in a
garret with a revolver in his hand ready to shoot anny wan that come
next or near him. He suffered fr'm dyspepsia an' he cuddent sleep
nights. He cud ate nawthin' sthronger thin milk toast. He was foorced be
fashion's whim to have five hundhred wives whin wan was abundant. Take
it all in all, he led a dog's life, an' I bet ye he's happyer now where
he is, wathrin' th' geeranyums, mowin' th' lawn, an' sneakin' into
Constantinople iv a Saturday night an' seein' Circassyan girls dancin'
f'r th' first time in his life. His childher are all grown up an' safe
in jail, he has four hundhred an' eighty-nine less wives, but iliven are
a good manny in th' suburbs; he has put away a few piasthres f'r a rainy
day, out-iv-dure life may improve his health, an' I shudden't wondher if
ye'd read some day in th' pa-aper: 'At th' Stambool county fair th'
first prize f'r Poland Chiny hens was won be A. Hamid, th' pop'lar
ex-sultan.'
"Ye can't tell annything about it. Give th' poor man a chance, says I.
There may be th' makins iv a dacint citizen in him afther all. What
opporchunity has he had, tell me? What can ye expict fr'm a man that
niver was taught annything betther thin that he cud do annything he
wanted to do without bein' called down f'r it? It doesn't make anny
diff'rence whether 'tis a polisman or th' Rajah iv Beloochistan, be
gorry, put a club in his hand an' tell him that he can use it an' he'll
begin usin' it tomorrah. He'll break wan head tomorrah, two th' next
day, an' befure he's been on th' foorce or th' throne a year it'll be a
whack on th' chimbly befure he says 'How ar-re ye.' By an' by he'll get
so manny people afraid iv him that he'll be in danger and that'll make
him afraid iv thim, an' thin he'll be more dangerous thin iver, d'ye
mind? Th' on'y man ye need to be afraid iv is th' man that's afraid iv
ye. An' that's what makes a tyrant. He's scared to death. If I'd thought
about it whin I r-read iv me frind murdherin' people I'd've known they'd
find him thremblin' in a room an' shootin' at th' hired girl whin she
come in with his porridge. So I'm glad afther all that I didn't put in
me application. I want no man to fear me. I'd hate to be more of a
coward thin I am."
"What ar-re these Turkish athrocities I've been r-readin' about?" said
Mr. Hennessy.
"I don't know," said Mr. Dooley. "I don't keep thim. Have a cigar?"
VACATIONS
"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "I raaly don't know whether I'm glad or
sorry to get back. It seems a little sthrange to be here again in the
turmoil iv life in a large city, but thin, again, 'tis pleasant to see
th' familyar faces wanst more. Has annything happened since I wint away
on me vacation? Did ye miss me? Am I much sunburnt?"
"What ar-re ye talkin' about?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "I see ye on'y last
night."
"Ye did not," said Mr. Dooley. "Ye may have seen me undherstudy, but ye
didn't see me. Where was I? It depinds on what time iv night it was. If
it was eight o'clock, I was croosin' in Pierpont Morgan's yacht off th'
coast iv Labrador. We were both iv us settin' up on th' front stoop iv
th' boat. I had just won thirty millyon dollars fr'm him throwin' dice,
an' he remarked to me 'I bet it's hot in Chicago.' But about eight
thirty, th' wind, which had been blowin' acrost th' brick-yard, changed
into th' northeast an' I moved back to Newpoort."
"Ar-re ye crazy fr'm th' heat?" Mr. Hennessy asked.
"Divvle th' bit," said Mr. Dooley, "but long ago I made up me mind not
to be th' slave iv me vacation. I don't take a vacation whin a vacation
comes around an' knocks at th' dure an' dhrags me out to a summer
resort. If I did I'd wait a long time. I take it whiniver I feel like
it. Whiniver I have a moment to spare, whin ye're talkin' or business is
slack fr'm anny other reason, I throw a comb an' brush into a gripsack
an' hurry away to th' mountain or th' seashore. While ye think ye're
talkin' to me, at that very minyit I may be floatin' on me back in th'
Atlantic ocean or climbin' a mountain in Switzerland, yodellin' to
mesilf.
"Most iv me frinds take their vacations long afther they are overdue.
That's because they don't know how to take thim. They depind on
railroads an' steamers an' what th' boss has to say about it. Long
afther th' vacation will do thim no good, about th' fifteenth iv August,
they tear off for th' beauties iv nature. Nachrally they can't tear off
very far or they wudden't hear th' whistle whin it blew to call thim
back. F'r a week or two they spind their avenin's larnin' th' profissyon
iv baggageman, atin' off thrunks be day an sleepin' on thim be night.
Evenchooly th' time comes f'r thim to lave th' sthrife an' throuble iv
th' city that they're used to f'r th' sthrife an' throuble iv th'
counthry that they don't know how to handle. They catch th' two two f'r
Mudville-be-th'-Cannery, or they are just about to catch it whin they
remimber that they left their tickets, money an' little Abigail Ann
behind thim, an' they catch th' six forty-five which doesn't stop at
Mudville excipt on Choosdahs an' Fridahs in Lent, an' thin on'y on
signal. Fin'lly they're off. Th' dust an' worry iv th' city with its
sprinkled pavements an' its glowin' theaytres is left behind. Th' cool
counthry air blows into th' car laden with th' rich perfume iv dainty
food with which th' fireman is plyin' his ir'n horse. Th' thrain stops
occasion'lly. In fact ye might betther say that occasion'lly it don't
stop. A thrain that is goin' to anny iv th' penal colonies where most
men spind their vacations will stop at more places thin a boy on an
errand. Whiniver it sees a human habitation it will pause an' exchange a
few wurruds iv pleasant greetin'. It will stop at annything. It wud stop
at nawthin'.
"In this way ye get a good idee iv th' jography iv ye'er native land. Ye
make a ten minyit stay at bustlin' little villages that ye didn't know
were on th' map, an' ain't on anny map that ye buy. Th' on'y place th'
thrain don't stop is at Mudville-be-th'-Cannery. Ye look into th' folder
an' see ye'er town marked 'see note b.' Note b says: 'Thrains two to
sixteen stop at Mudville on'y whin wrecked.' 'What is th' number iv
this here cannon-ball express?' says ye to th' conductor man. 'Number
twelve,' says he. 'How am I goin' to get off there?' says ye. 'How do ye
usually get off a movin' thrain?' says he. 'Forward or backward?' says
he. 'If ye'll go ahead to th' postal car an' get into a mail bag th'
clerk may hang ye on th' hook as we pass. He's a good shot. He made
three out iv tin last week,' he says.
"But in due time ye reach ye'er destynation an' onpack ye'er thrunks an'
come home again. A frind iv mine, a prom'nent railroad officyal who
calls th' thrains at th' Union deepo, tells me he's cured his wife iv
wantin' to go on a vacation. Whiniver he sees her readin' advertisements
iv th' summer resorts he knows that th' fit is coming on, an' befure she
gets to th' stage iv buyin' a cure f'r freckles he takes her down to
th' deepo an' shows her th' people goin' on their vacations an' comin'
back. Thin he gives her a boat ride in th' park, takes her to th'
theaytre, an' th' next mornin' she wakes up with hardly anny sign iv
her indisposition.
"But th' kind iv vacation I take does ye some good. It is well within me
means. In fact it sildom costs me annything but now an' thin th' thrade
iv a customer that I give a bottle iv pop to whin he ast f'r a gin sour,
not knowin' that at th' minyit I was whilin' me time away in th' Greek
islands or climbin' Mount Vesoovyous. I don't have to carry anny
baggage. I don't pay anny railroad fares. I'm not bothered be mosquitoes
or rain. In fact, it's on rainy days that I thravel most. I'm away most
iv th' time. I suppose me business suffers. But what care I?