thrusted to decide annything that's worth deciding. Who tells time be a
clock? Ivry hour is th' same to a clock an' ivry hour is different to
me. Wan long, wan short. There ar-re hours in th' avenin' that pass
between two ticks iv th' clock; there ar-re hours in th' arly mornin'
whin a man can't sleep that Methusalah's age cud stretch in. Clocks
ar-re habichool liars, an' so ar-re scales. As soon as annything gets
good enough to weigh ye can't weigh it. Scales ar-re f'r th' other
fellow. I'm perfectly willin' to take ye'er weight or ye'er soul's
weight fr'm what th' scales say. Little I care. A pound or two more or
less makes no diff'rence. But when it comes to measurin' something
that's precious to me, I'll not thrust it to a slight improvement on a
see-saw.
"But what do I know about it, annyhow? What do I know about annything?
I've been pitchin' information into ye f'r more years thin anny wan iver
wint to colledge, an' I tell ye now I don't know annything about
annything. I don't like to thrust mesilf forward. I'm a modest man.
Won't somebody else get up? Won't ye get up, Tiddy Rosenfelt; won't ye,
Willum Jennings Bryan; won't ye, Prisidint Eliot; won't ye, pro-fissors,
preachers, doctors, lawyers, iditors? Won't annybody get up? Won't
annybody say that they don't know annything about annything worth
knowin' about? Thin, be Hivens, I will. All alone I'll stand up befure
me class an' say: 'Hinnissy, about annything that can't be weighed on a
scales or measured with a tape line I'm as ign'rant as--ye'ersilf. I'll
have to pay ye back th' money I took fr'm ye f'r ye'er schoolin'. It was
obtained be false pretences.'
"How can I know annything, whin I haven't puzzled out what I am mesilf.
I am Dooley, ye say, but ye're on'y a casual obsarver. Ye don't care
annything about me details. Ye look at me with a gin'ral eye. Nawthin'
that happens to me really hurts ye. Ye say, 'I'll go over to see
Dooley,' sometimes, but more often ye say, 'I'll go over to Dooley's.'
I'm a house to ye, wan iv a thousand that look like a row iv model
wurrukin'men's cottages. I'm a post to hitch ye'er silences to. I'm
always about th' same to ye. But to me I'm a millyon Dooleys an' all iv
thim sthrangers to ME. I niver know which wan iv thim is comin' in. I'm
like a hotel keeper with on'y wan bed an' a millyon guests, who come wan
at a time an' tumble each other out. I set up late at night an' pass th'
bottle with a gay an' careless Dooley that hasn't a sorrow in th'
wurruld, an' suddenly I look up an' see settin' acrost fr'm me a gloomy
wretch that fires th' dhrink out iv th' window an' chases me to bed. I'm
just gettin' used to him whin another Dooley comes in, a cross,
cantankerous, crazy fellow that insists on eatin' breakfast with me. An'
so it goes. I know more about mesilf than annybody knows an' I know
nawthin'. Though I'd make a map fr'm mem'ry an' gossip iv anny other
man, f'r mesilf I'm still uncharted.
"So what's th' use iv thryin' to know annything less important. Don't
thry. All ye've got to do is to believe what ye hear, an' if ye do that
enough, afther a while ye'll hear what ye believe. Ye've got to start in
believin' befure ye can find a reason f'r ye'er belief. Our old frind
Christopher Columbus hadn't anny good reason f'r believin' that there
was anny such a place as America. But he believed it without a reason
an' thin wint out an' found it. Th' fellows that discovered th' canals
on Mars which other fellows think cud be cured be a good oculist, hadn't
anny right to think there were canals on Mars. But wan iv thim said: 'I
wondher if there ar-re canals on Mars; I believe there ar-re. I'll look
an' see. Be Hivens, there ar-re.' If he'd wondhered an' thin believed
about clothes poles he'd've found thim too. Anny kind iv a fact is proof
iv a belief. A firm belief atthracts facts. They come out iv holes in
th' ground an' cracks in th' wall to support belief, but they run away
fr'm doubt.
"I'll niver get anny medal f'r makin' anny man give up his belief. If I
see a fellow with a chube on his eye and hear him hollerin', 'Hooray,
I've discovered a new planet,' I'll be th' last man in th' wurruld to
brush th' fly off th' end iv th' telescope. I've known people that see
ghosts. I didn't see thim, but they did. They cud see ghosts an' I
cudden't. There wasn't annything else to it. I knew a fellow that was a
Spiritualist wanst. He was in th' chattel morgedge business on week days
an' he was a Spiritulist on Sunday. He cud understand why th' spirits
wud always pick out a stout lady with false hair or a gintleman that had
his thumb mark registhered at Polis Headquarthers to talk through, an'
he knew why spirits liked to play on banjoes an' mandolins an' why they
convarsed be rappin' on a table in th' dark. An' there was a man that
wud bite a silver dollar in two befure he'd take it f'r good."
"My aunt seen a ghost wanst," said Mr. Hennessy.
"Ivrybody's aunt has seen a ghost," said Mr. Dooley.
BOOKS
"Well, sir, if there's wan person in th' wurruld that I really invy 'tis
me frind th' ex-Prisidint iv Harvard. What a wondherful thing is youth.
Old fellows like ye'ersilf an' me make a bluff about th' advantages iv
age. But we know there's nawthin' in it. We have wisdom, but we wud
rather have hair. We have expeeryence, but we wud thrade all iv its
lessons f'r hope an' teeth.
"It makes me cross to see mesilf settin' here takin' a post grajate
coorse in our cillybrated univarsity iv th' Wicked Wur-ruld an' watchin'
th' freshmen comin' in. How happy they are, but how seeryous. How sure
they are iv ivrything. Us old fellows are sure iv nawthin'; we laugh but
we are not cheerful; we have no romance about th' colledge. Ye don't
hear us givin' nine long cheers f'r our almy matther. We ain't even
thankful f'r th' lessons it teaches us or th' wallops it hands us whin
we f'rget what we've been taught. We're a sad lot iv old la-ads, hatin'
th' school, but hatin' th' grajation exercises aven more.
"But 'tis a rale pleasure to see th' bright faced freshmen comin' in an'
I welcome th' last young fellow fr'm Harvard to our vin'rable
institution. I like to see these earnest, clear-eyed la-ads comin' in to
waken th' echoes iv our grim walls with their young voices. I'm sure th'
other undhergrajates will like him. He hasn't been spoiled be bein' th'
star iv his school f'r so long, Charles seems to me to be th' normal
healthy boy. He does exactly what all freshmen in our university do whin
they enther. He tells people what books they shud read an' he invints a
new relligon. Ivry well-ordhered la-ad has to get these two things out
iv his system at wanst. What books does he advise, says ye? I haven't
got th' complete list yet, but what I seen iv it was good. Speakin' fr
mesilf alone, I don't read books. They are too stimylatin'. I can get
th' same wrong idees iv life fr'm dhrink. But I shud say that if a man
was a confirmed book-reader, if he was a man that cudden't go to sleep
without takin' a book an' if he read befure breakfast, I shud think that
Doctor Eliot's very old vatted books are comparatively harmless. They
are sthrong it is thrue. They will go to th' head. I wud advise a man
who is aisily affected be books to stick to Archibald Clavering Gunter.
But they will hurt no man who's used to readin'. He has sawed thim out
carefully. 'Give me me tools,' says he, 'an' I will saw out a five-foot
shelf iv books.' An' he done it. He has th' right idee. He real-izes
that th' first thing to have in a libry is a shelf. Fr'm time to time
this can be decorated with lithrachure. But th' shelf is th' main thing.
Otherwise th' libry may get mixed up with readin' matther on th' table.
Th' shelf shud thin be nailed to th' wall iliven feet fr'm th' flure an'
hermetically sealed.
"What books does he riccomind? Iv course there's such folklore as
Epicbaulus in Marsupia an' th' wurruks iv Hyperphrastus. But it shows
how broad an' indulgent th' doctor's taste is that he has included
Milton's Arryopatigica, if I have th' name right. This is what ye might
call summer readin'. I don't know how I cud describe it to ye, Hinnissy.
Ye wudden't hardly call it a detective story an' yet it ain't a problem
play. Areopapigica is a Greek gur-rul who becomes th' iditor iv a daily
newspaper. That is th' beginnin' iv th' plot. I won't tell ye how it
comes out. I don't want to spile ye'er injymint iv it. But ye'll niver
guess who committed th' crime. It is absolutely unexpicted. A most
injanyous book an' wan iv th' best sellers iv its day. There were four
editions iv thirty copies each an' I don't know how manny paper-covered
copies at fifty cents were printed f'r circulation on th' mail coaches.
I'm not sure if it iver was dhramatized; if it wasn't, there's a chanst
f'r some manager.
"The darin' rescue iv Areopatigica be Oliver Cromwell--but I won't tell
ye. Ye must read it. There ar-re some awful comical things in it. I
don't agree with Uncle Joe Cannon, who says it is trashy. It is light,
perhaps even frivolous. But it has gr-reat merit. I can't think iv
annything that wud be more agreeable thin lyin' in a hammock, with a
glass iv somethin' in ye'er hand on a hot day an' readin' this little
jim iv pure English an' havin' a profissor fr'm colledge within aisy
call to tell ye what it all meant. I niver go f'r a long journey. I mane
I niver go f'r a long journey without a copy iv Milton's Agropapitica in
me pocket. I have lent it to brakemen an' they have invaryably returned
it. I have read it to men that wanted to fight me an' quited thim. Yet
how few people iv our day have read it! I'll bet ye eight dollars that
if ye wait till th' stores let out ye can go on th' sthreet an' out iv
ivry ten men ye meet at laste two, an' I'll take odds on three, have
niver aven heerd iv this pow'ful thragedy. Yet while it was runnin' ye
cudden't buy a copy iv th' Fireside Companyon an' f'r two cinchries it
has proticted th' shelves iv more libries thin anny iv Milton's pomes,
f'r Hogan tells me this author, who ye hardly iver hear mentioned in th'
sthreet cars at th' prisint moment, was a pote as well as an author an'
blind at that, an', what is more, held a prom'nent pollytickal job. I
wondher if two hundred years fr'm now people will cease to talk iv
William Jennings Bryan. He won't, but will they?
"Well, sir, it must be a grand thing to injye good books, but it must be
grander still to injye anny kind iv books. Hogan can read annything. He
ain't a bit particklar. He's tur-rbly addicted to th' habit. Long years
ago I decided that I cudden't read annything but th' lightest newspaper
with me meals. I seldom read between meals excipt now an' thin f'r
socyability's sake. If I am with people that are readin' I'm very apt to
jine thim so's not to appear to be bad company. But Hogan is always at
it. I wudden't mind if he wint out boldly to readin'-rooms an' thin let
it alone. But he reads whin he is be himsilf. He reads in bed. He reads
with his meals. He is a secret reader. He nips in second-hand book
stores. He can't go on a thrain an' have anny fun lookin' at th' other
passengers or invyin th' farmers their fields an' not invyin' their
houses. Not a bit iv it. He has to put a book in his pocket. He'll tell
ye that th' on'y readin' is Doctor Eliot's cillybrated old blend an'
he'll talk larnedly about th' varyous vintages. But I've seen him read
books that wud kill a thruckman. Th' result iv it is that Hogan is
always wrong about ivrything. He sees th' wurruld upside down. Some men
are affected diff'rent. Readin' makes thim weep. But it makes Hogan
believe in fairies while he's at it. He's irresponsible. There ain't
annything in th' wurruld f'r him but dark villyans an' blond heroes. An'
he's always fightin' these here imaginary inimies an' frinds, wantin' to
desthroy a poor, tired, scared villyan, an' losin' his good money to a
hero. I've thried to stop him. 'Use ye'er willpower,' say I. 'Limit
ye'ersilf to a book or two a day,' says I. 'Stay in th' open air. Take
soft readin'. How d'ye expict to get on in th' wurruld th' way ye are
goin'? Who wud make a confirmed reader th' cashier iv a bank? Ye'd
divide ye'er customers into villyans an' heroes an' ye wudden't lend
money to th' villyans. An' thin ye'd be wrong aven if ye were right. F'r
th' villyans wud be more apt to have th' money to bring back thin th'
heroes,' says I. 'Ye may be right,' says he. 'But 'tis too late to do
annything with me. An' I don't care. It may hurt me in th' eyes iv me
fellow counthrymen, but look at th' fun I get out iv it. I wudden't
thrade th' injanyous wicked people an' th' saints that I see f'r all
th' poor, dull, half-an'-half crathers that ye find in th' wurruld,'
says he.
"An' there ye ar-re. It's just as his frind, th' most prom'nent
get-rich-quick-man iv his time, wanst said: 'Readin' makes a man full.'
An' maybe Hogan's right. Annyhow, I'm glad to have him advised about his
books so that he won't hurt himsilf with lithrachoor that don't come
undher th' pure food act. An' I'm glad to welcome our young friend
Charles Eliot into our ancient univarsity. He'll like it f'r awhile. He
is sure to make th' team an' I wudden't mind seein' him captain iv it.
'Tis a gr-reat colledge afther all, an' if it makes me mad part iv th'
time, because I'm always gettin' licked f'r what somebody else has done,
on th' whole I injye it. Th' coorse is hard. Ivry man, woman, an' child
is profissor an' student to ye. Th' examinations are tough. Ye niver
know whin they're goin' to take place or what they'll be about.
Profissor Eliot may pass ye on'y to have Profissor Hinnissy turn ye
down. But there's wan sure thing--ye'll be grajiated. Ye'll get th'
usual diploma. Ye'll grajiate not because iv annything ye've done, but
because ye'er room is needed. 'I like th' old place,' says ye. 'An' I'm
just beginnin' to larn,' says ye. 'Pass on, blockhead,' says th'
faculty. 'Pass on, Hinnissy--ye'll niver larn annything.' An' there ye
are. What'll ye take?"
"I wudden't mind havin' a little"--began Mr. Hennessy.
"I don't mean what you mean," said Mr. Dooley. "Will ye have th' avenin'
paper or a little iv th' old stuff off th' shelf?"
THE TARIFF
"Well, sir, 'tis a gr-r-rand wurruk thim Sinitors an' Congressmen are
doin' in Wash'n'ton. Me heart bleeds fr th' poor fellows, steamin' away
undher th' majestic tin dome iv th' capitol thryin' to rejooce th'
tariff to a weight where it can stand on th' same platform with me frind
big Bill without endangerin' his life. Th' likes iv ye wud want to see
th' tariff rejooced with a jack plane or an ice pick. But th' tariff has
been a good frind to some iv thim boys an' it's a frind iv frinds iv
some iv th' others an' they don't intend to be rough with it. A little
gentle massage to rejooce th' most prom'nent prochooberances is all that
is nicissry. Whiniver they rub too hard an' th' tariff begins to groan,
Sinitor Aldhrich says: 'Go a little asier there, boys. He's very tender
in some iv thim schedules. P'raps we'd betther stop f'r th' day an' give
him a little nourishment to build him up,' he says. An' th' last I heerd
about it, th' tariff was far fr'm bein' th' wan an' emacyated crather
ye'd like to see comin' out iv th' Sinit chamber. It won't have to be
helped onto ye'er back an' ye won't notice anny reduction in its weight.
No, sir, I shudden't be surprised if it was heartier thin iver.
"Me congressman sint me a copy iv th' tariff bill th' other day. He's a
fine fellow, that congressman iv mine. He looks afther me inthrests
well. He knows what a gr-reat reader I am. I don't care what I read. So
he sint me a copy iv th' tariff bill an' I've been studyin' it f'r a
week. 'Tis a good piece iv summer lithrachoor. 'Tis full iv action an'
romance. I haven't read annythink to akel it since I used to get th'
Dead-wood Dick series.
"I'm in favor iv havin' it read on th' Foorth iv July instead iv th'
declaration iv indypindance. It gives ye some idee iv th' kind iv
gloryous governmint we're livin' undher, to see our fair Columbia
puttin' her brave young arms out an' defindin' th' products iv our soil
fr'm steel rails to porous plasthers, hooks an' eyes, artyficial horse
hair an' bone casings, which comes undher th' head iv clothin' an' I
suppose is a polite name f'r pantaloons.
"Iv coorse, low people like ye, Hinnissy, will kick because it's goin'
to cost ye more to indulge ye'er taste in ennervating luxuries. D'ye
know Sinitor Aldhrich? Ye dont? I'm surprised to hear it. He knows ye.
Why, he all but mentions ye'er name in two or three places. He does so.
'Tis as if he said: 'This here vulgar plutycrat, Hinnissy, is turnin'
th' heads iv our young men with his garish display. Befure this,
counthries have perished because iv th' ostintation iv th' arrystocracy.
We must presarve th' ideels iv American simplicity. We'll show this
vulgar upstart that he can't humilyate his fellow citizens be goin'
around dhressed up like an Asyatic fav'rite iv th' Impror Neero, be
Hivens. How will we get at him?' says he. 'We'll put a tax iv sixty per
cent. on ready made clothin' costin' less thin ten dollars a suit.
That'll teach him to squander money wrung fr'm Jawn D. Rockyfellar in
th' Roo dilly Pay. We'll go further thin that. We'll put a tax iv forty
per cent. on knitted undherwear costin' less thin a dollar twinty-five a
dozen. We'll make a specyal assault on woolen socks an' cowhide shoes.
We'll make an example iv this here pampered babe iv fortune,' says he.
"An' there it is. Ye haven't got a thing on ye'er back excipt ye'er
skin--an' that may be there; I haven't got as far as th' hide schedule
yet--that ain't mentioned in this here boolwark iv our liberties. It's
ye'er own fault. If ye will persist in wearin' those gee-gaws ye'll have
to pay f'r thim. If ye will go on decoratin' ye'er house with shingles
an' paint an' puttin' paper on th' walls an' adornin' th' inside iv it
with ye'er barbaric taste f'r eight day clocks, cane bottom chairs an'
karosene lamps, ye've got to settle, that's all. Ye've flaunted ye'er
wealth too long in th' face iv a sturdy people.
"Ye'd think th' way such as ye talk that ivrything is taxed. It ain't
so. 'Tis an insult to th' pathritism iv Congress to say so. Th'
Republican party, with a good deal iv assistance fr'm th' pathriotic
Dimmycrats, has been thrue to its promises. Look at th' free list, if ye
don't believe it. Practically ivrything nicissry to existence comes in
free. What, f'r example, says ye? I'll look. Here it is. Curling stones.
There, I told ye. Curling stones are free. Ye'll be able to buy all
ye'll need this summer f'r practically nawthin'. No more will ladies
comin' into this counthry have to conceal curling stones in their
stockin's to avoid th' iniquitous customs.
"What else? Well, teeth. Here it is in th' bill: 'Teeth free iv jooty.'
Undher th' Dingley bill they were heavily taxed. Onless ye cud prove that
they had cost ye less thin a hundhred dollars, or that ye had worn thim
f'r two years in Europe, or that ye were bringin' thim in f'r scientific
purposes or to give a museem, there was an enormous jooty on teeth. Th'
Governmint used to sind profissyonal humorists down to th' docks to
catch th' teeth smugglers. But fr'm now on ye can flaunt ye'er teeth in
th' face iv anny inspictor. Ye don't have to declare thim. Ye don't have
to put thim in th' bottom iv ye'er thrunk. Ye don't have to have thim
chalked or labelled befure ye get off th' dock. Ye don't have to hand a
five to th' inspictor an' whisper: 'I've got a few bicuspids that I
picked up while abroad. Be a good fellow an' let me through.' No, sir,
teeth are free.
"What other nicissities, says ye? Well, there's sea moss. That's a good
thing. Ivry poor man will apprecyate havin' sea moss to stir in his tea.
Newspapers, nuts, an' nux vomica ar-re free. Ye can take th' London
_Times_ now. But that ain't all by anny means. They've removed th' jooty
on Pulu. I didn't think they'd go that far, but in spite iv th'
protests iv th' Pulu foundhries iv Sheboygan they ruthlessly sthruck it
fr'm th' list iv jootyable articles. Ye know what Pulu is, iv coorse,
an' I'm sure ye'll be glad to know that this refreshin' bev'rage or soap
is on th' free list. Sinitor Root in behalf iv th' pulu growers iv New
York objicted, but Sinitor Aldhrich was firm. 'No, sir,' he says, 'we
must not tax annything that enters into th' daily life iv th' poor,' he
says. 'While not a dhrinkin' man mesilf, I am no bigot, an' I wud not
deny anny artisan his scuttle iv pulu,' he says. So pulu was put on th'
free list, an' iv coorse Zapper an' Alazarin had to go on, too, as it is
on'y be addin' thim to pulu that ye can make axle-grease.
"There was a gr-reat sthruggle over can-nary bur-rd seed.
Riprisintatives iv th' Chicago packers insisted that in time canary
bur-rds cud be taught to eat pork chops. Manny sinitors thought that th'
next step wud be to take th' duty off cuttle fish bone, an' thus sthrike
a blow at th' very heart iv our protictive system. But Sinitor Tillman,
who is a gr-reat frind iv th' canary bur-rd an' is niver seen without
wan perched on his wrist, which he has taught to swear, put up a gallant
fight f'r his protegees, an' thousands iv canary bur-rds sang with a
lighter heart that night. Canary bur-rd seed will be very cheap this
year, an' anny American wurrukin' man needn't go to bed hungry. There
ought to be some way iv teachin' their wives how to cook it. It wud make
a nourishin' dish whin ye have whetted ye'er face on a piece iv cuttle
fish bone. I'm sure th' raison American wurrukin' men don't hop around
an' sing over their wurruk is because they are improperly fed.
"Yes, sir, canary bur-rd seed is free. What else? Lookin' down th' list
I see that divvy-divvy is free also. This was let in as a compliment to
Sinitor Aldhrich. It's his motto. Be th' inthraduction iv this harmless
dhrug into th' discussion he's been able to get a bill through that's
satisfacthry to ivrywan. But I am surprised to see that spunk is on th'
free list. Is our spunk industhree dead? Is there no pathrite to demand
that we be proticted against th' pauper spunk iv Europe? Maybe me frind
Willum Taft had it put on th' free list. I see in a pa-aper th' other
day that what was needed at th' White house was a little more spunk. But
does he have to import it fr'm abroad, I ask ye? Isn't there enough
American spunk?
"Well, sir, there are a few iv th' things that are on th' free list. But
there are others, mind ye. Here's some iv thim: Apatite, hog bristles,
wurruks iv art more thin twinty years old, kelp, marshmallows, life
boats, silk worm eggs, stilts, skeletons, turtles, an' leeches. Th' new
tariff bill puts these familyar commodyties within th' reach iv all. But
there's a bigger surprise waitin' for ye. What d'ye think ends th' free
list? I'll give ye twinty chances an' ye'll niver guess. Blankets? No.
Sugar? Wrong. Flannel shirts? Thry to be a little practical, Hinnissy.
Sinitor Aldhrich ain't no majician. Well, I might as well tell ye if
ye're sure ye'er heart is sthrong an' ye can stand a joyful surprise.
Ar-re ye ready? Well, thin, joss sticks an' opyum f'r smokin' ar-re on
th' free list! If they ain't I'm a Chinyman an' if they are I'll be wan
pretty soon.
"How often have I envied Hop Lung whin I see him burnin' his priceless
joss sticks. How often have I seen him lyin' on top iv me week's washin'
pullin' away at th' savry rooster brand an' dhreamin' he was th' Impror
iv Chiny, while I've had to contint mesilf with a stogy that give me a
headache! But that day is passed. Me good an' great frind fr'm Rhode
Island has made me th' akel iv anny Chink that iver rolled a pill. Th'
tariff bill wudden't be complete without that there item. But it ought
to read: 'Opyum f'r smokin' while readin' th' tariff bill.' Ye can take
this sterlin' piece iv lithrachoor to a bunk with ye an' light a ball iv
hop. Befure ye smoke up p'raps ye can't see where th' tariff has been
rejooced. But afther ye've had a long dhraw it all becomes clear to ye.
Ye'er worries about th' childhren's shoes disappear an' ye see
ye'ersilf floatin' over a purple sea iv alazarin, in ye'er private
yacht, lulled be th' London _Times_, surrounded be wurruks iv art more
thin twinty years old, atin' marshmallows an' canary bur-rd seed, while
th' turtles an' leeches frisk on th' binnacle.