How they had diviloped! Nawthin' in th' histhry iv th' wurruld was akel
to th' way they'd come up. They cud shoot straighter an' oftener thin
anny other nation. A Jap cud march three hundred miles a day f'r eight
days with nawthin' to eat. They were highly civvylized. It was an old
civvylization but not tainted be age. Millyons iv years befure th'
first white man set fut in Milwaukee th' Japs undhershtud th'
mannyfacther iv patent wringers, sewin'-masheens, reapers, tillyphones,
autymobills, ice-cream freezers, an' all th' other wondhers iv our
boasted Westhren divilopement.
"Their customs showed how highly they'd been civvylized. Whin a Jap
soldier was defeated, rather thin surrendher an' be sint home to have
his head cut off, he wud stab himself in th' stummick. Their treatment
iv women put thim on a higher plane thin ours. Cinchries ago befure th'
higher iddycation iv women was dhreamed iv in this counthry, th' poorest
man in Japan cud sind his daughter to a tea-house, which is th' same as
our female siminaries, where she remained till she gradyated as th' wife
iv some proud noble iv th' old Samuri push.
"Their art had ours thrimmed to a frazzle. Th' Jap artist O'Casey's
pitcher iv a lady leanin' on a river while a cow walked up her back,
was th' loveliest thing in th' wurruld. They were th' gr-reatest
athletes iver known. A Japanese child with rickets cud throw Johnson
over a church. They had a secret iv rasslin' be which a Jap rassler cud
blow on his opponent's eyeball an' break his ankle. They were th' finest
soordsmen that iver'd been seen. Whin a Japanese soordsman wint into a
combat he made such faces that his opponent dhropped his soord an' thin
he uttered a bloodcurdlin' cry, waved his soord four hundhred an' fifty
times over th' head iv th' victim or in th' case iv a Samuri eight
hundred an' ninety-six, give a whoop resimblin' our English wurrud
'tag,' an' clove him to th' feet. As with us, on'y th' lower classes
engaged in business. Th' old arrystocracy distained to thrade but
started banks an' got all th' money. Th' poor man had a splendid chance.
He cud devote his life to paintin' wan rib iv a fan, f'r which he got
two dollars, or he cud become a cab horse. An' even in th' wan branch iv
art that Westhren civvylization is supposed to excel in, they had us
beat miles. They were th' gr-reatest liars in th' wurruld an' formerly
friends iv th' Prisidint.
"All these here things I heerd fr'm Hogan an' see in th' pa-apers. I
invied this wondherful nation. I wisht, sometimes, th' Lord hadn't given
me two blue an' sometimes red eyes an' this alkiline nose, but a nose
like an ear an' a couple iv shoe-buttons f'r eyes. I wanted to be a Jap
an' belong to th' higher civvylization. Hogan had a Jap frind that used
to come in here with him. Hogan thought he was a Prince, but he was a
cook an' a student in a theelogical siminry. They'd talk be th' hour
about th' beauties iv what Hogan called th' Flowery Kingdom. 'Oh,
wondherful land,' says Hogan. 'Land iv chrysanthymums an' cherry
blossoms a' gasyhee girls,' says he. 'Japan is a beautiful land,' says
Prince Okoko. 'Nippon, (that's th' name it goes by at home,) Nippon, I
salute ye,' says Hogan. 'May victhry perch upon ye'er banners, an' may
ye hammer our old frinds an' allies fr'm Mookden to Moscow. Banzai,'
says he. An' they embraced. That night, in ordher to help on th' cause,
Hogan bought a blue flower-pot fr'm th' Prince's collection f'r eighteen
dollars. He took it home undher his ar-rm in th' rain an' th' next
mornin' most iv th' flower-pot was on his new overcoat an' th' rest was
meltin' all over th' flure.
"That was the beginnin' iv th' end iv th' frindship between th' two
gr-reat nations that owe thimselves so much. About th' time Hogan got
th' flower-pot, th' fire-sale ads an' th' Rooshyan outrage news both
stopped in th' newspa-apers. A well-known fi-nanceer who thravelled to
Tokeeo with a letter iv inthraduction to th' Mickydoo fr'm th' Prisidint
beginnin' 'Dear mick,' got a brick put through his hat as he wint to
visit th' foorth assistant to th' manicure iv th' eighth assistant to
th' plumber iv th' bricklayer iv th' Mickydoo, which is th' nearest to
his Majesty that foreign eyes ar-re permitted to look upon. A little
later a number iv Americans in private life who wint over to rayceive
in person th' thanks iv th' Impror f'r what they'd done f'r him talkin'
ar-round th' bar at th' Union League Club, were foorced be th' warmth iv
their rayciption to take refuge in th' house iv th' Rooshyan counsel.
Th' next month some iv th' subjects iv our life-long frind an' ally were
shot while hookin' seals fr'm our side iv th' Passyfic. Next week a
prom'nent Jap'nese statesman was discovered payin' a socyal visit to th'
Ph'lippeens. He had with him at th' time two cameras, a couple iv line
men, surveyin' tools, a thousand feet iv tape line, an' a bag iv
dinnymite bombs. Last month th' Jap'nese Governmint wrote to th'
Prisidint: 'Most gracious an' bewilderin' Majesty, Impror iv th' Sun,
austere an' patient Father iv th' Stars, it has come to our benign
attintion that in wan iv ye'er populous domains our little prattlin'
childher who ar-re over forty years iv age ar-re not admitted to th'
first reader classes in th' public schools. Oh, brother beloved, we
adore ye. Had ye not butted in with ye'er hivenly binivolence we wud've
shook Rooshya down f'r much iv her hateful money. Now we must prove our
affection with acts. It is our intintion to sind a fleet to visit ye'er
shores, partickly San Francisco, where we undherstand th' school system
is well worth studyin'.'
"An' there ye ar-re, Hinnissy. Th' frindship ceminted two years ago with
blood an' beers is busted. I don't know whether annything will happen.
Hogan thinks so, but I ain't sure. Th' Prisidint has announced that
rather thin see wan octoginaryan Jap prevented fr'm larnin' his
a-bee-abs he will divastate San Francisco with fire, flood, dinnymite,
an' personalities. But San Francisco has had a pretty good bump lately
an' wud hardly tur-rn over in its sleep f'r an invasion. Out there
they're beginnin' to talk about what nice people th' Chinese ar-re
compared with our old frinds an' allies. They say that th' Jap'nese grow
up too fast f'r their childher, an' that 'tis no pleasant sight to see a
Jap'nese pupil combin' a set iv gray whiskers an' larnin', 'Mary had a
little lamb,' and if th' Prisidint wants thim to enther th' schools
he'll have to load thim in a cannon an' shoot thim in."
"We'd bate thim in a fight," said Mr. Hennessy. "They cudden't stand up
befure a gr-reat, sthrong nation like ours."
"We think we're gr-reat an' sthrong," said Mr. Dooley. "But maybe we
on'y look fat to thim. Annyhow, we might roll on thim. Wudden't it be
th' grand thing, though, if they licked us an' we signed a threaty iv
peace with thim an' with tears iv humilyation in our eyes handed thim
th' Ph'lippeens!"
THE ARMY CANTEEN
"I seen big Doherty runnin' in a sojer to-day an' 'twas a fine sight.
Th' sojer was fr'm th' County Kerry an' had a thrip an' Doherty is th'
champeen catch-as-catch-can rassler iv Camp Twinty-eight. He had a
little th' worst iv it, f'r he cud on'y get a neck holt, th' warryor
havin' no slack to his pants, but he landed him at last. 'Twas gr-reat
to see thim doin' a cart-wheel down th' sthreet."
"Was th' sojer under th' influence?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"Ye might say he was," said Mr. Dooley. "That is, ye might say so if ye
didn't know that th' dhrinkin' habits iv' th' army have been rayformed.
Didn't ye know they were? They ar-re. Yes, sir. Th' motto iv our brave
fellows is now 'Away, away, th' bowl,' 'Tis 'Wine f'r th' thremblin'
debauchee, but water, pure water, f'r me,' 'Tis 'Father, dear father,
come home with me now.' An' who did it? Who is it that improves men an'
makes thim more ladylike, an' thin quits thim, but th' ladies? This here
reform was carried out be th' Young Ladies' Christyan Tim'prance Union,
no less. Ye see, 'twas this way. F'r manny years it's been th' theery
that dhrink an' fightin' wint arm-in-arm. If ye dhrank ye fought; if ye
fought ye drank to fight again. As Hogan says, Mars, who was th' gawd iv
war, was no good onless he was pushed into throuble be Backis, the gawd
iv dhrink. About th' time Mars was r-ready to quit an' go home to do th'
Spring plowin', Backis handed him a jigger iv kerosene an' says: 'That
fellow over there is leerin' at ye. Ar-re ye goin' to stand that?' an'
Mars bustled in. Th' barkeeper an' th' banker ar-re behind ivry war.
"Well, in former times th' Governmint kept a saloon f'r th' sojers. Up
at Fort Shurdan they had a ginmill where th' warryors cud go an' besot
thimsilves with bottled beer an' dominoes. It was a sad sight to see
thim grim heroes, survivors iv a thousand marches through th' damp
sthreets on Decoration Day, settin' in these temples iv hell an'
swillin' down th' hated cochineel that has made Milwaukee what it is. To
this palace iv vice th' inthrepid definder iv his Nation's honor
hastened whin he had completed th' arjoos round iv his jooties, after he
had pressed th' Lootinant's clothes, curried th' Captain's horse, mended
th' roof iv th' Major's house, watered th' geeranyums f'r th' Colonel's
wife, an' written his daily letter to th' paper complainin' about th'
food. There he sat an' dhrank an' fought over his old battles with th'
cook an' recalled th' name that he give whin he first enlisted an'
thried to think who it was he married in Fort Leavenworth, ontil th'
bugle summoned him to th' awful carnage called supper.
"Well, sir, 'twas dhreadful. We opposed it as much as we cud. As a
dillygate to th' Binivolent Assoeyation iv Saloon Keepers iv America
I've helped to pass manny resolutions to save our brave boys in yellow
fr'm th' insidyous foe that robs thim iv what intellicts they show be
goin' into the army. Our organ-ization petitioned Congress time an' time
again to take th' Governmint out iv this vile poorsoot that was sappin'
th' very vitals iv our sojery. Why, we asked, shud Uncle Sam engage in
this thraffic in th' souls iv men without payin' f'r a license, whin
dacint citizens were puttin' up their good money a block away an' niver
a soul comin' down fr'm th' fort to be thrafficked in? Did Congress pay
anny attintion to us? It did not.
"But wan day a comity iv ladies fr'm th' Young Ladies' Christyan
Timp'rance Union wint out to th' fort. They'd seen th' Colonel at th'
last p'rade an' they'd decided that 'twas high time they disthributed
copies iv 'Death in th' Bottle; or, Th' Booze-Fighter's Finish,' among
our sojery. Whin they got up there they seen a large bunch iv our
gallant fellows makin' a dash f'r an outlyin' building, an' says wan iv
thim: 'What can they be in such a hurry f'r? That must be th' chapel.
Let us go in.' An' in they wint.
"Hinnissy, th' sight that met their young an' unaccustomed eyes was
enough to shock even a lady lookin' f'r throuble. Th' air was gray an'
blue with th' fumes iv that heejous weed that has made mankind happy
though single f'r four hundred years, an' that next to alcohol is th'
greatest curse iv th' sons iv Adam. Some iv th' wretches were playin'
cards, properly called th' Divvle's bible; others were indulgin' in
music, that lure iv th' Evil Wan f'r idleness, while still others were
intint on th' furyous game iv dominoes, whose feet take hold on hell.
But worse, still worse, they saw through their girlish spectacles dimmed
with unbidden tears. F'r in front iv each iv these war-battered vethrans
shtud a bottle, in some cases bar'ly half filled with a brownish-yellow
flood with bubbles on top iv it. What was it, says ye? Hardened as I am
to dhrink iv ivry kind, I hesitate to mention th' wurrud. But
concealment is useless. 'Twas beer. These brave men, employed be th'
taxpayer iv America to defind th' hearths iv th' tax-dodger iv America,
supposed be all iv us to have consicrated their lives to upholdin' th'
flag, were at heart votaries, as Hogan says, iv Aloes, gawd iv beer.
"F'r a moment th' ladies shtud dumfounded. But they did not remain long
in this unladylike attichood. Th' Chairwoman iv th' dillygation
recovered her voice an', advancin' to'rd a Sergeant who was thryin' to
skin a pair iv fours down so that it wud look like a jack full to his
ineebryated opponent, she said: 'Me brave man, d'ye ralize that that
bottle is full iv th' Seed iv Desthruction?' she says. 'I think ye'er
wrong, mum,' says he. 'It's Pilsener,' he says. 'Soon or late,' she
says, 'th' Demon Rum will desthroy ye,' she says. 'Not me,' says th'
vethran iv a thousand enlistments. 'I don't care f'r rum. A pleasant
companyon, but a gossip. It tells on ye. Th' Demon Rum with a little iv
th' Demon Hot Water an' th' Demon Sugar is very enticin', but it has a
perfume to it that is dangerous to a married man like mesilf. Rum,
madam, is an informer. Don't niver take it. I agree with ye that it's a
demon,' says he. 'Why,' says she, 'do ye drink this dhreadful poison?'
says she. 'Because,' says th' brave fellow, 'I can't get annything
sthronger without desertin,' he says.
"An' they wint down to Washington to see th' Congressmen. Ye know what a
Congressman is. I've made a few right here in this barroom. Th' on'y
thing a Congressman isn't afraid iv is th' on'y thing I'd be afraid iv,
an' that is iv bein' a Congressman. An' th' thing he's most afraid iv is
th' ladies. A comity iv ladies wud make Congress repeal th' ten
commandments. Not that they'd iver ask thim to, Hinnissy. They'd make
thim ten thousand if they had their way an' mark thim: 'F'r men on'y.'
But, annyhow, th' ladies comity wint down to Washin'ton. They'd been
there befure an' dhriven th' Demon Rum fr'm th' resthrant into a lair
in th' comity room. A Congressman came out, coughin' behind his hand,
an' put his handkerchief into th' northwest corner iv his coat.
'Ladies,' says he, 'what can I do f'r ye?' he says. 'Ye must save th'
ar-rmy fr'm th' malt that biteth like a wasp an' stingeth like an
adder,' says they. 'Ye bet ye'er life I will, ladies,' says th'
Congressman with a slight hiccup. 'I will do as ye desire. A sojer that
will dhrink beer is a disgrace to th' American jag,' he says. 'We
abolished public dhrinkin' in th' capitol,' he says. 'We done it to make
th' Sinitors onhappy, but thim hardened tools iv predytory wealth have
ordhered ink wells made in th' shape iv decanters. But,' he says, 'th'
popylar branch iv th' Naytional Ligislachure is not to be outdone. Ye
see these panels on th' wall? I touch a button an' out pops a bottle iv
Bourbon that wud make ye'er eyes dance. Whoop-ee!'
"So Congress passed a bill abolishin' th' canteen. An' it's all right
now. If a sojer wants to desthroy himself he has to walk a block. Some
iv me enterprisin' colleagues in th' business have opened places
convenient to th' fort where th' sons iv Mars, instead iv th' corroding
beer, can get annything fr'm sulphuric acid to knock-out dhrops. I see
wan iv thim stockin' up at a wholesale dhrug store last week. If the
sojers escape th' knock-out dhrops they come down-town an' Doherty takes
care iv thim. A sojer gets thirteen dollars a month, we'll say. Twelve
dollars he can devote to dhrink an' wan dollar to th' fine. Twelve times
eight hundhred an' twelve times that--well, 'tis no small item in th'
coorse iv a year. Whin th' Binivolent Assocyation iv Saloonkeepers holds
its next meeting I'm goin' to propose to send dillygates to th' Young
Ladies Christyan Timp'rance Union. It ought to be what th' unions call
an affilyated organization."
"Oh, well," said Mr. Hennessy, "they think they're doin' what's right."
"An' they ar-re," said Mr. Dooley. "Ye'll not find me defindin' th'
sellin' iv dhrink to anny man annywhere. There's no wan that's as much
iv a timp'rance man as a man that's been in my business f'r a year. I'd
give up all th' fun I get out iv dhrinkin' men to escape th' throuble I
have fr'm dhrunkards. Drink's a poison. I don't deny it. I'll admit I'm
no betther thin an ordinhry doctor. Both iv us gives ye something that
cures ye iv th' idee that th' pain in ye'er chest is pnoomony iv th'
lungs. If it really is pnoomony ye go off somewhere an' lie down an'
ayether ye cure ye'ersilf iv pnoomony or th' pnoomony cures ye iv life.
Dhrink niver made a man betther, but it has made manny a man think he
was betther. A little iv it lifts ye out iv th' mud where chance has
thrown ye; a little more makes ye think th' stains on ye'er coat ar-re
eppylets; a little more dhrops ye back into th' mud again. It's a frind
to thim that ar-re cold to it an' an inimy to those that love it most.
It welcomes thim in an' thrips thim as they go out. I tell ye 'tis a
threacherous dhrug an' it oughtn't to be given to ivry man.
"To get a dhrink a man ought first to be examined be his parish priest
to see whether he needs it an' how it's goin' to affect him. F'r wan man
he'd write on th' prescription 'Ad lib,' as Dock O'Leary does whin he
ordhers a mustard plasther f'r me; f'r another he'd write: 'Three times
a day at meals.' But most people he wudden't prescribe it f'r at all.
"Do I blame th' ladies? Faith, I do not. Ye needn't think I'm proud iv
me business. I only took to it because I am too selfish to be a mechanic
an' too tender-hearted to be a banker or a lawyer. No, sir, I wudden't
care a sthraw if all th' dhrink in th' wurruld was dumped to-morrah into
th' Atlantic Ocean, although f'r a week or two afther it was I'd have to
get me a diving suit if I wanted to see annything iv me frinds.
"No, sir; th' ladies ar-re not to blame. They've always thried to reform
man, an' they haven't yet got onto th' fact that maybe he's not worth
reformin'. They don't undherstan' why a man shud be allowed to pizen
himsilf into th' belief that he amounts to something, but thin they
don't undherstand man. They little know what a bluff he is an' how 'tis
on'y be fortifyin' himsilf with stuff that they regard as iv no use
except to burn undher a tea-kettle that he dares to go on livin' at all.
He knows how good dhrink makes him look to himsilf, an' he dhrinks. They
see how it makes him look to ivrybody else, an' they want to take it
away fr'm him. Whin he's sober his bluff is on th' outside. Whin he's
dhrunk he makes th' bluff to his own heart. Dhrink turns him inside out
as well as upside down, an' while he's congratulatin' himsilf on th'
fine man he is, th' neighbors know him f'r a boaster, a cow'rd, an'
something iv a liar. That th' ladies see an' hate. They do not know that
there is wan thing an' on'y wan thing to be said in favor iv dhrink, an'
that is that it has caused manny a lady to be loved that otherwise
might've died single."
"They're all right, said Mr. Hennessy. I'm against it."
"Yes," said Mr. Dooley. "Anny man is against dhrink that's iver been
really against it."
THINGS SPIRITUAL
"Th' latest thing in science," said Mr. Dooley, "is weighin' th' human
soul. A fellow up in Matsachoosetts has done it. He weighs ye befure ye
die an' he weighs ye afther ye die, an' th' diff'rence is what ye'er
soul weighs. He's discovered that th' av'rage weight iv a soul in New
England is six ounces or a little less. Fr'm this he argies that th'
conscience isn't part iv th' soul. If it was th' soul wud be in th'
heavyweight class, f'r th' New England conscience is no feather. He
thinks it don't escape with th' soul, but lies burrid in th' roons iv
its old fam'ly home--th' liver.
"It's so simple it must be true, an' if it ain't true, annyhow it's
simple. But it's a tur-rble thing to think iv. I can't see anny money in
it as an invintion. Who'll want to have his soul weighed? Suppose ye'er
time has come. Th' fam'ly ar-re busy with their own thoughts, grievin'
because they hadn't been as good to ye as they might, because they won't
have ye with thim anny more, because it's too late f'r thim to square
thimsilves, pityin' ye because ye'er not remainin' to share their
sorrows with thim, wondhrin' whether th' black dhresses that were bought
in honor iv what people might have said if they hadn't worn thim in
mimry iv Aunt Eliza, wud be noticed if they were worn again f'r ye. Th'
very young mimbers iv th' fam'ly ar-re standin' around, thryin' to look
as sad as they think they ought to look. But they can't keep it up. They
nudge each other, their eyes wandher around th' room, an' fr'm time to
time they glance over at Cousin Felix an' expect him to make a laugh'ble
face. He's a gr-reat frind iv theirs an' they're surprised he isn't
gayer. Something must've happened to him. Maybe he's lost his job. There
ar-re a gr-reat manny noises in th' sthreet. Th' undertaker whistles as
he goes by, an' two iv th' neighbors ar-re at th' gate sayin' what a
fine man ye were if ye didn't dhrink, an' askin' did ye leave much.
"An' little ye care. Everything is a millyon miles away fr'm ye. F'r th'
first time in ye'er life ye're alone. F'r the first time in ye'er life
ye ar-re ye'ersilf. F'r Hiven knows how manny years ye've been somebody
else. Ye've been ye'er wife, ye'er fam'ly, ye'er relations, th' polisman
on th' beat, th' doctor, th' newspaper reporther, th' foreman at th'
mills, th' laws iv th' land, th' bartinder that gives ye dhrinks, th'
tailor, th' barber, an' public opinion. Th' wurruld has held a
lookin'-glass in front iv ye fr'm th' day ye were born an' compelled ye
to make faces in it. But in this here particular business ye have no wan
to please but ye'ersilf. Good opinyon an' bad opinyon ar-re alike. Ye're
akelly unthroubled be gratichood an' revenge. No wan can help ye or stay
ye. Ye're beyond th' sound iv th' alarm clock an' th' facthry whistle
an' beginnin' th' Big Day Off whin th' man iv Science shakes ye be th'
elbow an' says: 'Ye've got to weigh out.' An' he weighs figures: 'Wan
hundhred an' forty-siven fr'm wan hundhred an' fifty. Siven fr'm naught
can't be done; borry wan; siven fr'm ten leaves three. I find that th'
soul iv our late laminted frind weighed a light three pounds
avirdoopoise.'
"No, sir, it won't do. 'Twill niver be popylar. People won't have their
souls weighed. I wudden't f'r all th' wurruld have th' wurrud go through
th' ward: 'Did ye hear about Dooley's soul?' 'No, what?' 'They had to
get an expert accountant to figure its weight, it was that puny.'
"D'ye suppose Dorgan, th' millyonaire, wud consint to it? Whin he
entered th' race iv life he was properly handicapped with a soul to
offset his avarice an' his ability, so that some iv th' rest iv us wud
have a kind iv a show again him. But as soon as he thinks no wan can see
him he begins to get rid iv his weight an' comes rompin' home miles
ahead. But th' judges say: 'Hold on, there; yell have to weigh out,' an'
a little later a notice is posted up that Dorgan is disqualified f'r
ridin' undherweight in th' matther iv soul. On th' other hand, there's
little Miss Maddigan, th' seamstress. She's all but left at th' post;
she's jostled all th' way around, an' comes in lame, a bad last. But
she's th' only wan iv th' lot that's kept th' weight. She weighs
ninety-six pounds--six iv it bein' tea an' toast an ninety iv it soul.
"No, sir, whin it comes to goin' up to th' scales to have their souls
weighed people'll be as shy as they are in a Customs House. Th' people
that wud make th' invintion pay wud be th' last to want to be tested by
it. Th' pa-apers might keep records iv th' results: 'Misther So-an'-so,
th' gr-reat captain iv finance, died yesterday, universally regretted.
His estate amounts to nineteen millyon dollars. There ar-re two large
bequests to charity. Wan is a thrust fund set aside f'r his maiden
sister Annybelle, who will receive f'r life th' income on eight
hundhred dollars in stock iv th' Hackensack Meadows Comp'ny. Th' other
is forty-two dollars to buy a wooden leg f'r his brother Isaac, it bein'
undherstood that no charge is to be made be th' estate against th'
brother f'r a set iv false teeth bought f'r him in th' year nineteen
four. Th' balance iv th' property is left in trust f'r th' minor
childher until they ar-re 90 years old. Th' deceased requested that his
soul be measured be troy weight. It tipped th' beam at wan
pennyweight.'"
"D'ye think th' soul can be weighed?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "I know it's
there, but I think--I kind iv feel--I wondher--I don't hardly know--"