THE

Merry Gossip's Vindication,

To the Groats worth of good Councel Declaration.

Some Women can drink, and be drunk night and day,

For all the fault is laid most on the Men, they do say,

For if a Man do intend for to thrive,

Then he must be sure to ask leave of his Wife.

To the Tune of _Digbies Farewel_.

[Illustration]

A Company of Gossips that love strong bub,[F. 184]

that met at an Alehouse, and there they did club,

They called for the short Pot, and likewise for the long,

come Tapster, be quick, for we soon must begon.

They cupt it about, and they made such great hast,

till their nose and their face were all of a blaze.

_A Man he may work all the days of his life,

but he must ask his Wife's leave if he intends for to thrive._

What is't for a Man to marry a Wife,

if she proves a drunkard, hee'l be weary of his Life,

As there is in _London_ and _England_ all or'e

they'l take it so sweetly till they lye on the floor.

When a knot of merry Gossips are gotten together,

they then take no care for fare or foul weather.

_There's many a Husband takes pains and do's thrive,

but he must ask his Wife's leave if he intend for to thrive._

When the Ale and the Brandy doth work in their head,

they care not a pin how their Children are fed,

Then one saies here Sister i'le drink unto thee

our Husbands are bound to maintain us truly.

I have a shilling saies one, I have two saies another,

we will let it fly now we are together.

_And thus you may see although a Man strive

he must ask his Wifes leave if he intend for to thrive._

When their Bellies are full they are bound to give o're,

they have drunken so much they can drink no more,

Then they'l hast to go home when they hardly can stand,

you laugh for to see them then go hand in hand.

A Man he is mad that hath got such a Wife,

he may work and may toyl all the days of his Life.

_There's many a Husband &c_

They tottor and wattor and fall in the Dirt,

then the Boys they will shout, and them will make sport,

Sometimes they cry a Hare and sometimes cry a ----

to see them so drunk then they cry out the more;

Its a inconvenience for a Woman (to) do so

to take so much drink that she can hardly go.

_There's many a Husband &c_--

There is some that is known that will drink all the day,

& within night come home drunk, & not a word they can say,

I'le promise you true there so heavy i' th' head,

they lye on the Stairs and they cannot go (to) Bed:

It needs now must be a great shame unto those,

for a Woman so drunk she cannot put of her Cloaths.

_There's many a Husband &c_

Some Women will set there Husband o' th' Skore,

more than they are able to pay to be sure,

When they are absent and taking of Pains,

thus they lye at the Alehouse, and consume all their gains;

Which makes many a Man to fret all his life,

because he is so tide to such a careless Wife.

_There's many a Husband &c_

But for civil good Women I have nothing to say,

they deserve a great praise though all these go astray,

They are a great shame to the rest of their Sex,

and many a good Woman to see them is vext:

For a Woman to bring herself in such a Snare,

and of Husband and Children have no better care.

_There's many a Husband &c_

It is good for a Woman (to) live in a good way,

& keep at home with her Family, that nothing goes astray,

Then her Husband will love her the better sure,

and let her want nothing that he can procure:

For a Woman that's given to wast and consume,

makes many a honest man be not for home.

_There's many a Husband &c_

What is't for a Woman to drink and to swill,

and never be satisfied till her Belly be full,

And then there, one husband they straight will abuse,

with all the base names that they ever can use:

And then, if her Husband but strike her a blow,

she ready crys Murther, all this we may know.

_There's many a Husband &c_

And now all good Women that heareth this Song,

I pray you forgive me if I have done you any wrong,

I will not condemn all for half a Skore,

I dare say in our Parish, wee have a great many more:

Besides other places; God send them to mend,

and then I do hope they take me for their friend.

_There's many a Husband &c_

And now to conclude, there is no more to be said,

I wish that this Song it often be read

Amongst the good Women that love for to club,

and spendeth their money in Brandy and Bub:

And then you shall see what brave days they will spend,

your Housekeeping will be better at every Day's end.

_There's many a Husband &c_

Printed for P. Brooksby at the Golden Ball in Pye Corner.

[Footnote 184: Drink.]

[52.] A Gentleman of Franckford in Germany, had borowed of a Jew (of

the same town) a thousand Duckets,[F. 185] and missing his day of

payment, he sought from time to time to absent himself from his

Creditor. Not long after, the Jew espied him going into a Barbers

shop, and ran presently and fetcht a couple of Sergeants to arrest

the debter, now at the Barbers a trimming. Which done the Jew came

and found the Gentleman halfe shaved, and demanded whether hee would

instantly discharge his debt, or accept the arrest. The Gentleman

being driven to a non plus, caught sudden hold of his sword and asked

the Jew if hee would not attend till his beard was all shaved? The

Jew answered, Yea, with all his heart. Why then, (quoth the Gentleman)

Barber and Serjeants beare witnesse what the Jew hath promised.

Contented (quoth the Jew.) Well, Barber, then I will not have my beard

shaven this twelve moneth. The Jew began to stamp, curse, and ban, and

finally procured the Sergeants to carry him before a Governor, who,

well considering the matter, dismissed both the gentleman and the

Jew, as both free men, without farther challenge of debt, untill the

Gentlemans beard was all shaven, which till his dying day he never

suffered. And the Jew lost his money.

[Footnote 185: A coin struck by dukes: a ducat was worth in

silver about 4s. 6d., in gold about 9s. 6d.]

[17.] A new Mayors Wife of a Town in the West, came to Church the

first _Sunday_ after her husband was chosen; and just as she came into

the Church, the people began to stand up at the Creed; which the poor

heart mistook, and took it to be an honour done purposely to her; An't

please God, says she, I'll requite you all before my Husband goes out

of his Office.

[4.] A certain King being sick, one pray'd that he might reign as long

as the Sun and Moon should endure, and the Prince his Son after him.

[4.] Some Scholars having a spight against their Master, because of

his Harshness to them, resolved to play him some trick; so knowing him

to be a very Curious neat Man, they daubed the Railes of the Stairs

with some Tar. Now the Master coming down in the Dark, laid his Hands

in it, which set him into a terrible feu'd; so he call'd all his

Schollars, and took them into strict Examination; but, suspecting one

above the rest, he was very sharp upon him, urging him to confess it,

telling him he did it. The Boy utterly denied it; but the Master

was the more pressing upon him. Indeed, said the Lad, with all the

Asseverations imaginable, I did it not, but if you please, I'll tell

you who had a hand in it: Hereupon the Master thought to have found

out the Truth, and so very eagerly asked him who? Your Worship, Sir,

says he: Whereupon he was dismissed, with the applause of all his

Fellows, for his Ingenuity.

[26.] In a discourse at Table, wherein they chiefly treated of strange

things, and one among them said, that he had a piece of the Hawthorn

Tree in a Box, which always bloom'd on Christmass day for many years

together, and at last was robb'd of it by some of the Parliament

Forces, and could never get it again. Why, says one, how could it live

and bloom as you say without some earth, or the Sun's influence? Why,

says he, d'ye think if it have that vertue to bloom on Christmass-day,

that it had not the vertue also to bloom without the help of the Sun

or earth? and so let out some Oaths to confirm it.

But another being by, to fit him in his Story; and to make it appear

to be truth (as you know it was) began to confirm what t'other had

said, with some Oaths too. For, says he, I my self have seen that

Haw thorn Tree bloom a hundred Christmas-day, and if I were to say

a Hundred more, I should not lie; and I went once thither, when they

were come to the Berries, which were red, large and hard; and so took

some of them, and button'd me a Suit and Coat with it, as the fashion

is now (for you know our fashion in England for Cloaths never alters)

and when I and some others were at Church together upon Christmass

day in the morning, little thinking of it, about Ten of the Clock

precisely (he swore) that the branches sprung out so fast and so

thick, that he was covered all over with them; insomuch that he lookt

as if he had been in a Wood, and so heavy they were upon him, that he

could not stir till one went out of the Church and fetcht an Axe, and

cut away all the Boughs, that he might see his way out; and when they

had done, he went home in this posture to his lodging; and swore also,

that there was as much Wood cut off, as serv'd him all that Winter

for fewel to his Chamber; but however, says he, I had rather be at the

charge of the Wood than to be served so agen. But Gentlemen I tell you

this to confirm what that worthy Gentleman told you before: whereas

you were in doubt for a great while whether it was truth or no: but I

hope there's no doubt now: and so swore it agen.

[78.] One demanded of a wild yong Gentleman the reason why he would

sel his land? who answered because he hoped to go to heven, which he

could not possibly do til he forsook earth.

Learning hath fed me, yet I know no letter, [91.]

I have liv'd among books, yet am never the better:

I have eaten up the Muses, yet I know not a verse,

What student is this, I pray you rehearse?

_Resolution_, A Worme bred in a booke.

[18.] A Preacher, whose Sermons no body cared to hear, intreated a

Friend of his to come to hear him. But he begged his Excuse, saying,

that he was loth to disturb him in his Solitude. Another who had not

the luck to please his Auditors; He did better last Year, said one.

How can that be? said another, for he did not preach at all. In that

very Thing he did better, reply'd the first.

[17.] One told a Bakers Son, that his Father was a Knave: Truly, says

he, _Though I say it, that should not say it_, my Father is as honest

a man as ever lived by bread.

the complaint of M. Tenter-hooke the _Proiector_, and Sir _T_homas

Dodger the _Patentee_.[F. 186]

[Illustration:

"I have brought money to fill your Chest

For which I am curst by most and least."

"Ov'r many yeare a scraping is left at a clap,

All thou hast gotten by others mishap."

]

_If any aske, what things these_ Monsters _be,

Tis a_ Projector _and a_ Patentee:

_Such, as like Vermine o're this Land did crawle,

And grew so rich, they gaind the Devill and all._

[Footnote 186: "On a broadside, entitled as above, is a

woodcut, which represents a 'Projector' who has a pig's (?

fox's) face, a fox's ears, screws for legs, and fish hooks for

fingers, bears a measure of coal, and a barrel of wine on his

legs respectively, tobacco pipes, dice, roll tobacco, playing

cards, and a bundle of hay slung to his body, papers of pins

on his right arm, and a measure for spirits on his left arm, a

barrel (? for soap or butter) and a dredger, (? for starch) on

the skirts of his coat.

"The introduction of screws here may be illustrated by the

speech of Alderman Chambers, who was prosecuted in the Star

Chamber for saying that merchants were more screwed up

and wronged in England than in Turkey; he was fined

£2000."--_Catalogue of Prints and Drawings in the British

Museum_, No. 263.]

Loe I, that lately was a _Man_ of fashion [101.]

The _Bug-beare_ and the _Scarcrow_ of this Nation

Th' admired mighty _Mountee banke_ of _Fame_,

The Juggling _Hocus Pocus_ of good name,

The Bull-begger, who did affright and feare,

And rake, and pull, teare, pill, pole, shave, and sheare,

Now _Time_ hath pluck'd the _Vizard_ from my face,

I am the onely Image of disgrace.

My ugly shape I hid so cunningly

(Close cover'd with the cloake of honesty)

That from the _East_ to _West_ from _South_ to _North_,

I was a man esteem'd of ex'lent worth.

And (Sweet Sir _Thomas Dodger_) for your sake,

My studious time I spent, my sleepes I brake,

My braines I tost with many a strange vagary,

And (like a Spaniell) did both fetch and carry,

To you, such _Projects_, as I could invent,

Not thinking there would come a Parliament.

I was the great _Projector_, and from me,

Your Worship learn'd to be a _Patentee_,

I had the Art to cheat the Common-weale,

And you had tricks and slights to passe the Seale.

I tooke the paines, I travell'd, search'd, and sought

Which, (by your power) were into Patents wrought.

What was I but your journey man, I pray,

To bring youre worke to you, both night and day:

I found _Stuffe_, and you brought it so about

You (like a skilfull _Taylor_) cut it out,

And fashion'd it, but now (to our displeasure)

You fail'd exceedingly in taking measure.

My legs were Screws, to raise thee high or low,

According as your power did _Ebbe_ or _Flow_:

And at your will I was Screwd up too high

That tott'ring, I have broke my necke thereby.

For you, I made my _Fingers fish-hookes_ still

To catch at all _Trades_, either good or ill,

I car'd not much who lost, so we might get,

For all was _Fish_ that came into the Net.

For you, (as in my Picture plaine appeares)

I put a _Swines face_ on, an _Asses eares_,

The one to listen unto all I heard

Wherein your Worships profit was prefer'd,

The other to tast all things, good or bad.

(As Hogs will doe) where profit may be had.

_Soape_, _Starch_, _Tobacco_, _Pipes_, _Pins_, _Butter_, _Haye_,

_Wine_, _Coales_, _Cards_, _Dice_, and all came in my way,

I brought your worship, every day and houre,

And hope to be defended by your power.

Sir _Thomas Dodgers Answer_.

Alas good _Tenter hooke_, I tell thee plaine,

To seeke for helpe of me tis but in vaine:

My _Patent_ which I stood upon of late,

Is like an _Almanacke_ that's out of _Date_.

T'had force and vertue once, strange things to doe,

But now it wants both force and vertue too.

This was the turne of whirling _Fortune's_ wheele,

When we least dream'd we should her changing feele.

Then _Time_, and fortune, both with joynt consent

Brought us to ruine by a Parliament:

I doe confesse thou broughtst me sweet conceits

Which now I find were but alluring baits,

And I, (too much an Asse) did lend mine eare,

To credit all thou saydst, as well as heare.

Thou in the _Project_ of the _Soape_ didst toyle,

But 'twas so slippery, and too full of oyle,

That people wondred how we held it fast

But now it is quite slipp'd from us at last.

The _Project_ for the _Starch_ thy wit found out,

Twas stiffe a while, now limber as a Clout,

The Pagan weed (_Tobacco_) was our hope

In _Leafe_, _Pricke_, _Role_, _Ball_, _Pudding_, _Pipe_, or _Rope_.

_Brasseele_, _Varina_, _Meavis_, _Trinidado_,

Saint _Christophers_, _Virginia_, or _Barvado_;

_Bermudas_, _Providentia_, _Shallowcongo_,

And the most part of all the rest (_Mundungo_[F. 187]).

That Patent, with a whiffe is spent and broke,

And all our hopes (in fumo) turn'd to smoake.

Thou framdst the _Butter_ Patent in thy braines,

(A Rope and Butter take thee for thy paines.)

I had forgot _Tobacco Pipes_, which are

Now like to thou and I, but brittle ware.

_Dice_ run against us, we at _Cards_ are crost,

We both are turn'd up _Noddies_,[F. 188] and all's lost.

Thus from _Sice-sinke_,[F. 189] we'r sunke below _Dewce-ace_,[F. 190]

And both of us are Impes of blacke disgrace.

_Pins_ pricke us, and _Wine_ frets our very hearts.

That we have rais'd the price of _Pints_ and _Quarts_.

Thou (in mine eares) thy lyes and tales didst foyst.

And madst me up the price of _Sea-coales_ hoyst.

_Corne_, _Leather_, _Partrich_, _Pheasant_, _Rags_, _Gold twist_,

Thou brought'st all to my _Mill_, what was't we mist?

_Weights_, _Bon lace_,[F. 191] _Mowstraps_, new, new, _Corporation_,

_Rattles_, _Seadans_,[F. 192] of rare invented fashion,

_Silke_, _Tallow_, _Hobby-horses_, _Wood_, _red herring_,

_Law_, _Conscience_, _Justice_, _swearing_, and _For-swearing_.

All these thou broughtst to me, and still I thought

That every thing was good that profit brought,

But now all's found to be ill gotten pelfe,

I'le shift for one, doe thou shift for thyselfe.

Finis.