At last my thoughtlessness brought upon me some very severe reproofs.
I knew that I was not feeling the weight of them as I should, and I
knew also that unless I should be able in some way to see why I did
such things I could never get any help. Why should I, who longed to be
a soul-winner, be a source of trial to others? Having at last gotten
it settled that there was something fundamentally wrong, I determined
not to content myself until I should discover what it was. Instead of
praying as I had done for so long, for love, joy, etc., I endeavored
to humble myself before God and entreat him to show me what was wrong
within. I made very slow progress. A day of fasting and prayer revealed
nothing. But I would not cease searching my heart. It was very dry
praying, for I had no ability even to feel sorry that my condition was
so bad; but I had one promise to which I clung desperately: "They that
seek the Lord shall not want any good thing" (Psa. 34:10). I could not
make myself feel, nor change my state, but I could seek. And it was
within my power, as it is within the power of all, to believe that he
would be found of me.
At last, little by little, it dawned upon me that I was selfish. The
reader may smile, as I myself do now, that I did not know it before.
But up to that time I had never stopped to consider why I did things.
If I spoke harshly, I was sorry and begged pardon, but it never occurred
to me to think why I had spoken so, except that something had not
pleased me. If I prayed when I felt inclined and neglected prayer when
I did not feel inclined to pray, I knew that I had neglected duty, but
to consider why I had neglected it never entered my mind. If words not
unto edification escaped my lips, I was ashamed, but my motive for so
speaking was unknown to me. But now the Lord showed me clearly that a
desire for personal pleasure and profit lurked deep at the root of all
those acts of indifference and carelessness. Grateful for one ray of
light, I sought again his presence and cried, "But why, O Lord, should
I, who have tasted thy divine grace, who have felt the sanctifying power
of thy Holy Spirit--why should I be selfish?" My spiritual eye was
regaining its sight now and my ear its keenness, so that through many
days, in the testimonies of others, through reading, and in prayer and
meditation, the answer came by degrees, until at last I understood.