Such a revelation of my heart should have helped me, but so blind was
I that the only change it wrought was to turn the weapons of harshness,
criticism, and exaction upon myself. And for three long miserable years,
with a heart like a stone so far as feelings were concerned, I wrestled
with doubts and fears and tried, oh, so hard! to reach the standard of
spirituality which I had formerly held up for others. Labor in prayer as
I would, the light would not dispel the darkness, the stony heart would
not soften, except for a short season. Then, how I gloried in the light
and how I mourned when it was dark again! Worse than all else, there
fell upon my soul a state of seeming indifference to my condition and
carelessness toward both God, the souls of others, and myself. Stir
myself out of it, I could not. Sorrow and joy alike seemed strangers to
me. As there was no blessing, so there was no grief. There was a great
calm, but it was the calm of the grave; it was not peace. When reproved
for causing trials to others, as I often needed to be, I endeavored not
to be guilty of the same offense again; but no matter what I did, I
seemed to experience no great depth of sorrow. Withal there developed a
lightness quite foreign to what I had been by nature or grace. I seemed
to live only upon the surface, and to have no ability to reach any
depth of grace. This I deplored, and longed for the blessing of genuine
sorrow. How often I wished that I had never heard the truth if only
I might have the chance to begin all over again!
I lived in circles, making no progress. Daily I prayed for a return of
the joy, love, peace, and victory I had once known. Sometimes the clouds
rifted a little, and I gloried in it, thinking that surely the Lord
had heard, and I should be delivered; but soon I would feel the same
dulness settle down, leaving in me the same aching void as before.
Again and again I tried to repent, thinking that I surely must be
a sinner; but I could not work up any earnestness, nor could I find
anything in particular of which to repent, only the darkness and general
dissatisfaction which I was experiencing. If only I could have begun
again; but there seemed no place from which to start, no foundation for
my feet, and I felt myself almost entirely swallowed in the quicksand
of despondency and discouragement. I realized then the force of the
Psalmist's words, "If the foundations be removed, what shall the
righteous do?"