I came at last to revel in my experiences. Insensibly to myself, I
gloried in MY joy, MY victory, MY trueness to God. Others told of trials
and difficulties; my testimonies were full of victory and praise, and I
rejoiced in the fact. Little by little I began to notice the faults and
failures of others, and having begun to think so much of what I was,
I had but a little step to go to make a comparison of their faults with
my virtues. As I remember, I did this all quite unconsciously; but a
brother at last said to me, "I fear you are losing that burning love
for others which you once had." Thus reproved, I sought the Father in a
very simple prayer that he would fill me again with that sweetness and
tenderness so necessary for a child of God. That he answered no one
could doubt, least of all I myself. A passion for souls took hold upon
me. No labor was too hard, no sacrifice too great, if only I could
influence a soul for Jesus. I felt a tenderness of soul toward those
whom I had formerly criticized, and whereas I had avoided them, now I
felt a drawing toward them, and though I believed (because some in whom
I had confidence warned me of it) that they possessed very serious
faults, someway I could not see them so plainly.
I was young in years, and oh, so ignorant! If only at that time my
wisdom had been equal to my love for God and souls, how much of sorrow
I might have been saved! How hard the Spirit of God tried to keep me
from taking counsel with self and others! but I had yet to develop that
individuality which can stand alone with God in sunshine or tempest
and at the same time hold an attitude of humble, submissive love to
the brethren. I needed that single eye which sees only God and is not
occupied with self or others, except in humbly loving and serving them.
Partly through a lack of understanding, but more especially because
spiritual pride was gaining a foothold in my heart, making it impossible
for me clearly to distinguish the voice of the Spirit of God, I failed
to heed his warnings, and entered an experience of darkness and gloom,
lighted by a very few rays of his divine presence, which continued over
a period of several years.